utopian

That sounds like it makes a lot of sense for my situation, but I have lost a lot of faith in therapy. I have been in an out of it almost my whole life, and it has rarely helped. Philosophy has helped me a lot more, thinking through things logically slow and steady. One of the reasons I am here. Yea I know I am gonna have to replace it with something, I just dont know what. I wish I could get that excited about work or writing or something lol. As far as creative things, I have a book I have been meaning to write, as I got certified at a computer networker at a school where I saw lots of new technologies, and I want to write a book about the future of living with technology. I have it all laid out in my head, I just need to sit there and do it, and then I sit to type, and oh hell Ill play a little games first... and then yea you see how it goes lol. I was only able to come up with 8 things really for the list. Some of these things I do, like working out, but ya cant work out all day. Others are only weekly event things, or longer. One thing I do like is women (eheh, eheheh) but I got too many problems I am trying to work out to be ready for that. Nothing on my list, that I can do consistently, that I am not already doing. I play planetside 2, pretty much only now. Used to play Everquest and WoW. I feel spending time doing these things is a waste, because I am an unusually smart guy, who has plans which have been proven to work, which could change the world for the betterment for humanity. I could reach my goals of fame and money and lots of good stuff if I just got off my ass and pursued it. I dont. I am not sure if I envy you your gf that plays games or not, cause I think if I had a girl that played games thats all we would do lol. But then again, I certainly would never do anything else, which is the problem.

I have known for a while now that I have been addicted to video games for a long time. Video games give me a high I have not even found in drugs (which I stopped years ago) and can only compare it to the runner's high athletes get while doing their thing. I have often thought before that I need a more constant level of stimulation (in part due to child abuse as a kid) and video games are the only thing that can fulfill that. I used to do cage fighting, and it was maybe a level 8 or 9 out of 10 of excitement, while video games can provide a 7 at most. However, I cant be getting punched in the face all the time, while video games I can do all day and are relatively cheap, even sometimes free. And thats mainly been the problem, that when I try to quit playing video games, or severely reduce my playing, I cant find anything else to replace it. There is nothing else as constantly exciting, stimulating, and able to occupy my mind. There's just nothing there to replace it, and if I try, its as if there is a large gaping hole in my world. Some might say, what is the problem. Well games do interfere with the necessities of my life. I am ok, but I have a potential I have proven to myself I am capable of, and I just don't bother doing it. I would rather play video games. I can't find the motivation to work and advance when I dont need to. And then, sitting there playing games, my body reminds me it is depressed, knowing it is wasting its life sitting in a chair, when it could and should be out changing the world. If anyone could help me figure this out I would really appreciate it.

One of the reasons I am posting this is I am going to college, and a professor noticed I was struggling unusually hard, and put me up for testing. I found out I have a learning disability. I have a perceptual reasoning score of 127, which is exceptional, but a processing speed of 78. I cant absorb information from outside my senses very well, but I can usually theorize in my own head about things. It makes certain things easy and certain things difficult. Like learning about baby shaking. I often can't grasp what I am reading. I suspect it had a large part in creating disability, and I am thinking if I understood it more, I could better deal with my disability. There are other things too. One step at a time though.

So I have had a lot of problems all throughout my life, and have lived around these problems. More recently I have been on a path of self discovery, and have found out that life was not supposed to be this hard for me. It is kind of a relief knowing that, but also fairly depressing, as I am wondering what my potential is now limited to. I still do not understand the depths of my problems. I will likely be posting them piece by piece here. The first thing I think I want to understand, is what it means to be a shaken baby. Both my parents confirm it happened to me when I was a newborn with a broken collar bone. No one knew until an xray later, but I did cry an awful lot. My mother would jump around with me trying to cheer me up, making it worse. Unfortunately what my mother would often do in foolishness, my father would do in maliciousness. My father, a few days into my birth, would shake me angrily trying to get me to shut up. I read somewhere that 3 out of 4 babies die of shaking. It must have some very clear effects. Everywhere I go to read more about it however I run into a wall of jargon and cant understand the complete ramifications. I get confused easily. I was hoping if anyone could tell me, fairly simply, what kind of symptoms shaken babies develop, and how it effects their lives.

Hello all, I am utopian, a 28 year old man from beautiful San Diego, CA. I stumbled upon FDR while researching bits about economics in the recession, and have been following ever since. I am here to rub elbows with other in depth thinkers, explore and understand my own child abuse and learning disability (and effects they have both had on my life), develop my understanding of relationships, and many other things. I don't agree with everything Stephan says, or perhaps I would if I knew more about it, but honestly, there are few places in the world where a person can go just to discuss things rationally forgetting philosophy and other higher topics, and I am glad to have such a place. I look forward to chatting around.