myclippedwings

Hi, thank you very much for your support and understanding... I have just confronted them about this and asked them whether they viewed the property without me... Their response was that they only went out to shopping and then came back home, I even asked them twice and made it clear that I won't be angry with them for revealing this, I just want an open, honest exchange, they lied again. I then asked the guy whether he was still angry with me for the arguments we had, and he just said that he was frustrated. So now, I got my answer, my rage is justified, they are dishonest even when I gave them an opportunity to just discuss this openly. I think I am better off without them next year as I can't stand this open hypocrisy, I think my feelings about them were right all along. These people are narcissistic and constantly need approval and validation from each other and because I don't play into their game, they want to exclude me. Then my inner child feels fear of abandonment, and then I blame myself for not going after them? I will give them a last chance tomorrow when I try to speak to one of them individually, and I will make it clear that I want them to be honest with me and that I won't retaliate or react with hostility or anger because of it. After that, I am done with them and I think I will stick to my feelings at all costs I felt like I wanted to find out whether they would still lie to me if I would ask them about it. I just did, and they lied. I think I am finished with them in general, if they are so dishonest to me then I just want to let them go. I think me lingering here and bothering you guys (sorry about that) was because I was so indecisive about whether to confront them or not. I think there's also a part of me that feels that my sense of self comes from how others perceive me, which is why I feel shame about them leaving me. This stems more from the fact that I was raised not to have my own sense of self, which is another reason I am on FDR as I am trying to get affirmation from you guys whether it is my fault for being on bad terms with them or whether my instincts about them are right in that I feel that they make it harder for me to be my true self. Essentially, always struggle internally with whether I am wrong for not pursuing the group and being on my own?

Mmm, I don't think I have a specific example of catching them lieing. But I feel that they talk to me about me behind my back and just the general passivity of how they deal with me. They aren't honest to me with them not liking me, they just try to hide it and act friendly to me when I talk to them in general. I feel that they have all connived together to not tell me about the viewing, so that's why I said that they would probably lie about viewing the house if I asked them right now? So I think I would have to answer no to the question of them being liars?

I haven't confronted them yet, they are i the living room now?? Or did you mean, if they lied in the past??

Thank god, you understand what is going on, I feel less isolated now... Basically that is how both sides are dealing with everything at the moment, very passive aggressive and just very hush hush, no one is really showing how they really feel about each other. To be honest, if I confront them I will try my best to just be calm and not be rageful to them? On one hand I want to talk to them honestly, but on the other hand I feel like they don't deserve me being open to them if they are being dishonest like this with me?? "Are you sure they are rejecting your true self?" On one hand, I am not being my true self because I repress my feelings a lot, but on the other hand they are rejecting me for just being me? I feel angry with them because I feel that I am trying to be with my emotions, but I don't feel comfortable doing that in their presence, so I do it in my room, but then I get labelled "quiet" by them when they talk about me behind my back. Also I am angry because one of the house mates has a crush on the guy I fell out with, and so every time I have an argument which is between me and him, she goes upstairs with him and then they talk about me behind my back? I feel like they treat me differently (in a negative sense) because I stopped trying to be fake positive and fake happy all the time?? I feel like since I have stopped going after their approval, they interpret this as me ignoring them or being on bad terms with them? Because in the beginning I did sacrifice myself to be in their presence and I did go after their approval, but all it got me was anxiety and discomfort. "Instead of hearing what they may say (they dont like you, or dont like living with you ) you are saying how they are hurting you, or lying to you. If you react with anger and rage to them, why would they want to open up to you about whats going on?" Do you mean that I should confront them to ask them what they honestly think about me? It's kinda true that I have mostly reacted with anger and grandiosity when arguing with that housemate (guy), but on the other hand I don't always do this and it seems that they are just not that open to discuss how they are really feeling? But at the same time I am guilty of that too? They are eating in the living room now, I still have my feelings of anger, but I still feel indecisive whether to confront them or not (without being rageful to them, but just calmly discussing this)?

Hi, thanks for the swift response... I agree they are free to leave me if they want, I am just angry at their dishonesty about it as I can almost guarantee that if I ask them where they went that they would lie to me. I honestly feel like I want to just confront them about it as I am sick of all this passivity in dealing with them. To be honest, I don't really like them, I honestly don't, I think it's just my fear of abandonment making me react this way, or the fact that I feel rejected by them?? But then I remember that if they reject my true self, then are they worth being with?? I feel that they betrayed me because they act friendly in front of me, but do these kind of things behind my back. And also because none of them told me anything, but I am only on bad terms with one of the house mates? Honestly after spending some time looking at my feelings of anger and rage, I am just tired of having to be my false self to keep up with socializing with them, which is why I have withdrawn from them and try to spend more time looking at my own emotions? "It sounds like you dont like living with them, though. So why do you want to live with them next year?" I think I just feel scared of being abandoned to be honest, I don't like them because they are emotionally dishonest and I always feel the pressure to hide my "negative" feelings when I am around them?? What would you recommend me to do??

Hi guys, I live with a couple of housemates at the moment and they are going to view a house for next year without me? The thing is that they are keeping this secret from me, but I have heard them talk about it. The reason why they did this is because I fell out with one of the house mates due to arguing, but I have tried to make amends since. However I have stopped trying to talk to him, since I feel like it's always me that needs to make the effort, it feels like a "one way street" relationship, but he thinks that I am ignoring him? I stay in my room all the time, but I do try to talk to my house mates often, it's just that due to repressing my emotions I feel like I need my own space where I can feel my anger. They talk behind my back and label me as silent, but the truth is that I don't feel comfortable around them as it feels that only "happy" or "positive" emotions are allowed when we socialize, which puts pressure on me to sacrifice myself just to fit in?? My question is, should I confront them about them betraying me? Is it my fault, or are these just shitty people I need to let go and focus on my needs and emotions? Because every time I interact with them I feel like I need to sacrifice myself?

Hmmm, I have heard about this interview before. I haven't read it completely, but I get the impression that Martin Miller is holding her accountable for her behaviour before she started writing her books and go into emotional repression? Damn, so you meet up with those people to share your your problems with repression?

It feels a bit tragic because I constantly seek for others to fulfill me, but I didn't realize al along that I myself am the best person to fufill what I really want for myself? I really have been raised, almost trained to behave like this in my childhood. As the most important thing was to behave, be a good boy and be obedient to get my parents approval. Rather than seeking approval internally from my own standards?

Thank you so much! I especially like the Samaritans idea as I didn't know they offered training. I will also try the meetup.com idea soon. Thank you

I'm not really into IFS, I'm more into Alice Miller's concepts. But I kind of agree with the part about nurturing myself? I guess I constantly seek approval from others so that I indirectly make other people nurture me? But the more I pay attention and care about my own feelings, the more I learn that I can only nurture myself, so yes, it is myself who I am desperately looking for all along , isn't that sad? Thank you very much for your advice, I sometimes "try" to be myself to see the "consequence"? By consequences I mean that I always feel that I will get punished for being myself by either being abandoned, labelled as boring or just as inferior by other people? But thankfully most of the time, I see that it's quite the opposite, I really do filter out the shitty people by being myself... This podcast by Stefan sums up everything about how I feel about this: http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_720_The_Hell_Of_Attempted_Connection.mp3 Basically, I still have these feelings of being abandoned, rejected, labelled as inferior that are all from the past, but because I have not faced them/processed them. It is as if people will reject me in the present? Luckily I have tried to be myself a lot more now since arriving at university. I would rather be good friends with a few people who care about me, rather than sell my self out and be a tag along for the group of people who will never appreciate me. The more and more I admit to feeling bad (from the past), the more I recognize the pattern, the easier it is to control my behaviour, the easier it is to make choices and the easier it is to deal with people. And most importantly the more I realize that I can't control people, I can never make people love me and fill that void that I have from repressing my feelings? That's another reason for this, like I stated earlier, all this seeking for validation seems to be another way of me trying to nurture myself through other people?? Through, Stefan, Alice Miller and by validating my negative feelings, I realize more and more that the best person to nurture myself is myself, as straightforward and common sense as it seems. Coming from my abusive background, where I had to have no needs of my own to please my parents, it is really hard to do, because of the tremendous fear and anxiety that stands in the way like a massive roadblock :/ And this roadblock is the crossroads where either two things happen: 1) I massively repress this anxiety and fear, which causes depression. I have no choices, my life never changes, I am a born loser and it will never change? And neither myself, nor other people like me? I feel a massive void inside, and I fill this with addiction... 2)I Admit to it, feel it and try to understand it. Suddenly I recognize my behaviour for what it is, and I can see people for who they are. Now I have clear choices to make to take care of my inner self? That's what I realized as well... I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation? If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression. Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation. That's what I realized as well... I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation? If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression. Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation. That's what I realized as well... I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation? If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression. Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation. That's what I realized as well... I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation? If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression. Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation. That's what I realized as well... I have been so used to focusing on the needs of others, their emotional reactions, their opinions of me that whenever I look within for some inner life to share with others, there is more than often a sense of emptiness. Just like you, I just switch off and can't talk, because either I am afraid of being rejected for what I say, or I have repressed my feelings so heavily there is nothing inside for me to share with other people in a conversation? If we don't get validation from our parents, and then in turn we don't learn how to validate ourselves in adulthood, then we are only left with one option: squeezing validation from those around you. Which just feels like daily mental torture. Because the more you focus all your attention on getting validation from others, the more you neglect validating yourself. And it's just a daily cycle of the anxiety of rejection, the disappointment of not getting validated, followed by the depression of avoiding the pain of rejection and finally closing the cycle by more repression through addiction to get through the depression. Luckily, I do not feel pessimistic about this, rather optimistic, because being myself really works, it really does give you that clarity of find to recognize the choices you have in front of you (in other words, freedom). I have always, ALWAYS felt more happy, satisfied and better off(I still feel negatively, doesn't mean that I only feel positive all the time)being myself, than when I give in to my fear and look for validation.

Wow, beautifully said. I honestly somtimes felt pessimistic about my chances with showing and explaining people things like anarcho-capitalism and libertarianism. Bt you are right, we won't see the change in our lifetime, but we are definitely the ones to influence change. Especially if we parent peacefully, we could have generations of our families be non violent/abusive, which is already a massive change on its own. Ironically chaos theory in maths states that a small change in variables can cause a massive change in your resulting variables. So small changes now, would have a massive impact later.

I don't really know but I can guess I could become a counselor with some psychotherapy training as my number one option. Maybe some charity work with child abuse organizations. Spread leaflets like Jordan Riak's anti-spanking leaflet. Create a website/blog. Participate in FDR's child abuse side and try to get involved with people in FDR or introduce people to FDR and Alice Miller's work? aeaxplain to people (who are genuinely open minded) how and why child abuse/ emotional repression is destructive? Ohw and I forgot, stop the cycle of abuse with my children which would possibly stop the abuse cycle for generations to come??

Ohw, alright. Don't get me wrong though I am very much into spreading awareness about child abuse and its destructive long term effects, I just feel that becoming an academic psychologist is not the only way to do it. Let alone the best. Heck look at Alice Miller, her PhD did not save her from the wilful ignorance of the media and academic community.

I feel like I pretty much live a lie on the daily... I am struggling to be in touch with my emotions, the real me, so i present either a fake persona to people, or I just withdraw and focus completely on myself ignoring everyone else when I just give up the exhausting effort to be a people pleaser. And on the other hand, I am quite ashamed of how skinny I am, so I hide how I look like daily, while I also sweat from my anxiety. So not only am I emotionally hiding, but I am physically hiding as well ?? I feel like I have this massive core of shame that I never dare to fully face emotionally, that Ii get all these nasty physical symptoms like anxiety/sweating and low appetite instead? In other words, my body pays the price for my mind refusing to recognize the truth on a daily basis, it is complete torture :(

Hi guys just like the title says, This anxiety has tortured me for most of my life, where I can just not seem to be myself around people?? I feel that if I be myself and show my true emotions, people won't like me for who I am?? I feel like they would rather see the "fake" me, the one who always smiles, jokes or conforms to the friend group? I think this definitely stems from childhood, since my mother flat out made it clear to me how much she hated/rejected me when I pissed her off for no apparent reason whatsoever (ata a young age of course)? So I feel like I constantly have this anxiety with me in social situations where I fear this rejection/abandonment from people because deep down it feels like people will reject me just as my mother used to do to e when I was young? It feels very painful when I realize this, but it's the truth? Of course my mom now regrets all the abuse she dished out to me when I was young, but now I have to suffer with these long term anxiety/depression effects? So far Alice Miller's books and being authentic with my emotions, even the difficult ones like this anxiety has helped me so far? I used to almost become reclusive and be addicted to video games/internet just to avoid these negative emotions on a daily basis?? Does anyone else have some advise or similar experiences to this? Can anyone shed some light on this?? I have been all alone with these feelings so far, I definitely cannot trust the people around me enough for me to share stuff like this with them

Mmm, what do you mean by me not being selfish enough? I have heard of the Fountainhead and Ayn Rand, but I haven't actually read it? I felt that choosing engineering was selfish as it was more for economic and prosperity reasons, rather than just doing psychology and seeing how far I can take it with combating child abuse in the world?? But on the other hand, most posters here are right, doing academic psychology is definitely not the only route, to be honest it paradoxically seems like one of the most restrictive routes of making people aware of the severe, life long consequences of child abuse.

Thank you very much for your helpful response, it makes sense to me tha twhatever I do in life, it will always be more helpful/productive/beneficial if it comes from a place where I am completely comfortable with my inner self and emotions, sadly that's not the case at the moment, but I am trying hard Also I let the indecision cost me a year of my life as I took a gap year:(

Woww, thank you very much I just didn't fee; right about it. Deep down I just wanted to do psychology because I didn't really know what to study, but since learning about voluntarism, how the economy works and just plain being sick of being low skilled in such a competitive economy. I just felt that spending another 6 years at uni would be a waste. I mean look at Stefan, he pretty much does what I admire about Alice Miller and makes the truth about child abuse well known to more people, but he did not have to go through academia for the whole thing. Just one question though, you seem to know a lot about academic psychology, just how bad is it? And did I really dodge a bullet by choosing engineering?

Hi guys, Just like the title says, I wanted to get a psychology degree so I could essentially do research on child abuse or at least make it more well know, just to build up on what Alice Miller did with her hugely important work. However I just didn't feel right about spending 5/6 years in education just to get anywhere in psychology, and even if I did, I wouldn't have the freedom to do what I want anyways? So I went for engineering, as I figured that I am low skilled and I am just sick and tired of the poverty and unemployment that comes with being low skilled. So hopefully engineering will give me a long term comfortable life economically? I feel like I have made a selfish decision as there are not a lot of people out there who even know about Alice Miller, let alone do the kind of work she had done? What are your guys thoughts on this?

Spot on, this is how I have been feeling my whole life! And the worst thing is that since this "positivity" lie has been pushed by most people around me, it makes me fear the disapproval of being true to my negative feelings. So in short, it makes it harder for me to validate my negative feelings, t fully be myself, instead I always feel like I hae to conform aroud these people and then the anxiety of not fitting in kicks in and the whole miserable cycle repeats all over again as it has done for most of my life Thankfully, I can see that I have to be true to myself no matter what!! My feelings and perceptions are true, people are faking it so hard because they are fearing the same disapproval/negative emotions themselves. But what really pisses me off is how they shame other people for it