dysfunc_survivor

I just spoke to a person who witnessed my parents treatment of me as a child. As it turns out, they were far worse monsters than I have understood.

Another way of looking at conscious / unconscious / subconscious as just different organs. We tend to group them together and slap generalizations on them, as if they were of the same kind. This can be advantageous from some perspectives, but perhaps disadvantageous from others, just as consciousness usually is viewed from a rational, logical standpoint. If I were to define the word conscious, I would say "the ability to see oneself". But again arises the problem with definitions. What is self? What is see? Does seeing include feeling? If so, consciousness involves more than just the rational understanding of self. Does it include "recognizing", as in being able to equate self to other?

I just did the Queendom IQ-test. I guess I've been underestimating myself a bit.

Unconscious or a Subconscious is mostly semantics. What is consciousness? Since the word "conscious" means aware, unconscious or subconscious are oxymorons, but only from the perspective that what we by our conscious mind consider conscious. *phew* Does the unconsious consider the conscious conscious? The conscious and the un/subconscious are merely aware of different things. The unconscious communicate to the conscious in ways that are mostly invisible to the conscious mind, unless you consciously pay attention to it. It mostly communicates in shapes, patterns and of course feelings and sensations. That's why things like music and art are important to humans; they are mostly patterns, which speaks directly to the un/subconscious if it has any quality.

I've been involved with something similar, and too made those silly calls. Anyone having an ACE-score over 1 I would suggest to stay away. It did me some good, and it did a lot of harm too, for me personally. One of the most destructive results was the notion that I had been "healed" and needed nothing else, like for example therapy. Being who I was back then (I was 21), I'm not sure therapy had helped me better, since I couldn't distinguish between good or bad mental health services. It was a start of self knowledge for me, but a very shaky one.

Here's my analysis of that dream: To enter the house, I must obey mothers narcissistic abuse. The death stare is fear which manifests in different ways, when I was a child as shyness and most lately as panic attacks and fear of authority. The killing of the girls is a conditioning to prioritize mother over other females, to put it mildly. Something I have come to realize is: The people that hurt me the most are the ones who taught me the most. I would like to hear your opinon on this. It is something that I see seldom spoken of. I'm sure it must be combined with some willingness to wake up, but the sad thing is that I can't see that I would have learned these key lessons without their abuse; you learn in the most effective way when you are fighting for your life. I guess that is why most stay asleep. The key is hidden where you never want to look. It does make gratitude and blame mixed up, it's not as pretty or clear cut as some make it out to be. The Buddhist analogy of the lotus that creates beauty out of mud comes to mind. One vision I have had is that a child that grows up in a tribe like setting, free of abuse would develop a low IQ but a high level of "naturalness". Like a plant that grows up in optimal conditions, there is nothing to compensate for. Think instead of a tree growing on the side of a steep rocky mountain. This must instead compensate for a lot and develop "intelligence". In a similar way I think of my need to work on myself, and my IQ that seems higher than the rest of my family, as a compensation for the position I was given growing up. I was born in an environment that required me to solve problems. I needed to develop coping strategies for having a narcissistic mother. In other words, my emotions didn't help me as a child, because my mother is blind to them. In this sense I see a mutually exclusive relationship between IQ and "naturalness". I'm sure, or I hope, that there is less destructive ways of obtaining intelligence and self knowledge, but then again, I'm not sure who would go through this volountarily. Maybe it's just my way of defending my path

I just woke from a nightmare. I was approaching a house, it was dark. The house had two balconys right atop of one another. On the top one stood my mother and she was looking at me. On the bottom one were two young attractive girls who saw me and were smiling and waving. My mothers gaze at me made me radiate hatred towards these two girls. My eyes were radiating hateful radiation that was induced by my mothers stare at me. There was a death stare loop created. As I staggered backwards being overpowered by this power, either I could stay asleep but then kill the girls by this death stare or I had to wake up, breaking the loop, I couldn't look away and I couldn't keep from being stared at by my mother. I woke up in a gasp. As I tried closed my eyes again, the death stare came back online and kept killing the girls. I had to wake up and write this.

This was the first visit for almost a year. I skipped several birthdays, christmas and new years, which of course resulted in ostracization from other familymembers. This is an scary and very important thing to be aware of regarding narcissists; They spread their agenda to their proxies, which in turn creates a vacuum - everybody is on her side because "I am bad" and she only wants fluffy clouds and teddy bears. Sure, all this drama is nothing that I need. It just comes at a high price, or actually the deal is out of my hands. Now she thinks all is mended. No action required on her part. But sure, I won't be back soon.

I visited my parents this weekend (Easter). Having broken the glass of the narcissistic abuse, standing on the other side looking back at the whole thing was interesting, sad and still very frustrating. "We weren't very good parents" actually slipped out of my mothers mouth during dinner. She has bad hearing which is very suitable for her. There is almost no way to speak to her without yelling, which eliminates the possibility of talking about anything personal. Of course she refuses to get a hearing aid. It's also a great way for her to shame me for mumbling or any other derogative statement about the way I speak. It is impossible to be assertive around my mother. The only allowed way of relating to her is to be an inanimate object. Anything beyond an infant is corrected, shamed, ignored and belittled. Anything beyond the infant is a threat to her. There is no understanding of the pain, suffering and the work I have had to go through to be who I am today. On the contrary, she sees it as an offence. Like her way of raising me wasn't good enough. Newsflash: It wasn't. Politics came up. She doesn't understand that she isn't objective in her reasoning. She was constantly defending her view that "there is no way of really knowing anything", which allowes her to have any opinion that suits her. Of course she is completely unaware of this. Anything I would say that challenges her view, she replied with "You're so mean!". So her need to see me as a nothing-knowing, opinion-less, wanting-less infant is paramount. How can you be a son to a mother like that? There is nothing of me that is welcome. At the same time she insists that I visit more often. She even said that I should move there. The gap of understanding between her wants and needs and my wants and needs are undescribable. She needs me to be something that I no longer am. That something lived in my body my whole childhood and many more years. She doesn't see anything but that thing, the deeply codependent infant. She hates and fears anything but that. The panicattacks. When I started my last job 3 years ago, I was starting to have panicattacks. The emerging emotions of being around people that were suppressed until then. A start of the eroding of the codependent false self I have been acting out around other people all those years. Becoming your true self isn't a smooth pretty enlightenment. It's a rough, dysfunctional, broken alternative accident. Maybe it will make you sane, maybe it will kill you. My dad. He was happy to see me. He had a stroke in 2001. He can hardly walk anymore. He is almost in a zombie-state. Can hardly form a sentence. I could tell he became upset with me because I got in to arguments with mom and that I got frustrated with his lack of attempts at actually communicating with me. They both just want everything to be nice and "as it used to be". The fact that I have suffered all those years exactly because of that, they just put out of their minds. We were going through old photos and found a photo of me as a 11 year old. My sister called and I could hear how mom said that I was "happy old me" in that photo. Just smile and get abused! We don't want you to wake up, just smile! Just reflect back that all I do is fine! My childhood was a bodycast of razorblades. Just lie perfectly still and you will be ok.

Truck of peace has finally come to sweden http://nyheter24.se/nyheter/inrikes/881298-lastbil-har-kort-in-i-folkmassa-i-centrala-stockholm

If you'd replace the word women / women in that post to men... She finishes off with something like "the rage must be directed" bladi blah. Then why rage?

It seems they've solved the issue. Several call-in shows have been published lately without this problem. My ears thankest thee

So this popped up in my fb-feed. What's your take on it? http://alanalouisemay.com/blog/2016/1/9/the-world-needs-angry-women

23,2% of Swedens population now have foreign background http://www.scb.se/hitta-statistik/statistik-efter-amne/befolkning/befolkningens-sammansattning/befolkningsstatistik/pong/statistiknyhet/medellivslangder-hushallsstatistik-asylsokande-m.m.-2016/ http://www.scb.se/en/finding-statistics/statistics-by-subject-area/population/population-composition/population-statistics/pong/statistical-news/swedens-population-2016/

The murder in Arboga August 5th 2016 (apparently the mother didn't die) was carried out by Mohammad Rajabi http://www.expressen.se/nyheter/mohammad-hogg-ihjal-42-aringens-pappa/ Prosecutor wants him deported http://www.expressen.se/nyheter/brottscentralen/aklagaren-vill-utvisa-rajabi-efter-mordet/

The rape in Borås mentioned in post #2 above was commited by Syrians http://www.friatider.se/fem-syrier-h-ktade-f-r-gruppv-ldt-kt-utanf-r-bor-s

March 7th, Hallonbergen (Stockholm suburb) Double homicide. Couple José and Elizabeth Ruth Axelsson gets throats slit / stabbed to death. The father was witness to a murder. 4 youths was arrested aged 15, 16, 20 & 21. Perpetrators are african or of middle-eastern or norhern african heritage. 3 of the names: Fouad Saleh, born 1995 Mikael Chamoun, born 1996 Adam Boto, born 2000 http://nyheteridag.se/dubbelmordet-i-hallonbergen-kvinnan-fick-halsen-avskuren-de-satt-och-skrattade/ http://nyheteridag.se/tva-doda-i-hallonbergen-polisen-tvingades-skjuta-flera-gripna-i-massiv-insats/ --------------------------------------------- Uppsala: In january 2016, Mohammed Rawajbeh rapes 16-year old girl at school (Stordammens skola). Is allowed to continue going to the same school. In october 2016, he commits a second rape. http://www.svt.se/nyheter/lokalt/uppsala/pojken-omplacerades-inte Somebody threats somebody regarding this subject: http://unt.se/nyheter/uppsala/hot-efter-misstankta-valdtakter-pa-skola-4540606.aspx

It is now likely that the musician Claes Mård who filmed the riots in Hallsberg will face fasc... I mean legal consequences of his actions. His employer, the leftist ABF (Workers Educational Union) has taken actions against him and he will likely lose his job.

According to the county board (länsstyrelsen), the municipality of Malmö is to accept 408 refugees during 2017. According to the law of settlement https://www.migrationsverket.se/Om-Migrationsverket/Pressrum/Fokusomraden/Bosattningslagen.html municipalitys are obligated to provide housing. For this the municipalities receive USD 25000 per migrant from the government = USD 10,2 million for the 408 migrants. http://24malmo.se/2017/03/19/sa-manga-nyanlanda-ska-malmo-ta-emot-2017/

150 persons have returned to Sweden after fighting for ISIS. Social services says "Give us a chance to work with these persons" pathological altruism at its best. SÄPO (Security police branch) refuse to give out the names. Why weren't they apprehended at the airport on return? They hade one of them, Mailk sniveling in an INTEVIEW on national swedish TV. How will sweden be seen internationally as we indirectly support ISIS!? http://www.svt.se/nyheter/inrikes/sverige-ar-unikt https://ledarsidorna.se/2017/02/playing-with-fire-the-swedish-prime-minister-and-the-muslim-brotherhood/

March 18th, Stockholm Arab nightclubowner rapes 20-year old woman http://www.friatider.se/nattklubbschef-pekas-ut-valdtakt March 18th, Eskilstuna 23-year old man (unknown ethnicity) kicks man in the head in front of police, get arrested http://omni.se/man-sparkade-offer-i-huvudet-framfor-polisen/a/paOpw

The government put forth a law proposition, stripping municipalities from the right to refuse refugees. http://www.svt.se/nyheter/inrikes/pk-nya-forslag-fran-regeringen-om-nyanlanda There was an uprising on the island of Gotland after 6 afghanis raped the wheelchair bound woman. There was also a counter demonstration, which of course got media attention, portraying the protestors who opposed the police action (transporting the aghanis to the mainland and protecting them) as... you guessed it, racists. There is still strong push to portray us who speak out as racists. There is a large facebookgroup you may have heard of "Stå upp för Peter Springare", a police officer who published a rant displaying the names of perpetrators landing on his desk during a common workweek. We are now 226.000 members in that group. https://www.facebook.com/groups/279528999133185/?hc_ref=NEWSFEEDSome are there just to "spy on the racists". Springare has been tried for two crimes so far, publishing of investigation information, and misuse of internal police database. lol The police has even made the restrictions for use of their database tighter since. He is continuously being slandered in the press. I live out in the sticks, so no chaos here. I do have two neighbours who house refugees. They receive SEK 3000 (USD 340) per refugee per day for food and housing. I approximate that money from info in this video The refugees get a prepaid smartphone, free bus fares, gym card (which normally costs also SEK 3000 per year) and schooling. The bus in to town used to be quite empty and sleepy, mainly old people and schoolkids. Nowadays it's a very obvious enrichment of non swedish speaking fellow bus travellers... To illustrate the ignorance of many swedes: A female acquaintance told me the story of her neighbours reporting her for housing a non-registred tenant. Her "boyfriend" travels from africa to stay with her periodically... Like there are no single men in sweden. I just don't get it. But it does illustrate peoples attitude, but at the same time very afraid to act in a way that can be traced back to a certain individual. I think it's just a matter of time before we begin to see swedes coming together. Swedes are unfortunately very private and qiet folks, and have to be pushed quite far to stand up for ourselves. There is also a big difference of attitude in the big cities Stockholm, Gothenburg, Malmö compared to rural areas. We who live out in the sticks are called "peasants" and white trash and so forth. I grew up in a Stockholm suburb.The suburbs have been completely transformed. Even if I wanted to move, there is no way to move into a city. Stockholm feels very overcrowded at this point. I can't stand it for very long periods of time. Personally I am mostly waiting to hear of a friends children being groped or raped. The only way a swede will take a stand is to be personally affected by the situation. Sweden have had many years of uninterrupted Marxist indoctrination. Since I try to be open nowadays of my views, there is little chance of me getting a job in the area. Most of my former collegues work side by side with immigrants, so they "need to chose sides".

Some of them are obvious from the character of them. I will post links to if I find out that a certain crime is made by a ethnic swede. Many of the crimes has follow-up articles which can be found, where the origin of the felon is published, for example the rapes in Västerås, Visby, murders in Kista etc.

March 17th, Växjö: 3 immigrants assaults 2 females and one male http://www.smp.se/nyheter/en-till-sjukhus-efter-misshandel-i-centrala-vaxjo/ http://blogg.alltforforaldrar.se/claudiacrowleysorensson/2017/03/18/skakad-och-ledsen/

March 18th, Medelpad: Cars and dumpsters set on fire during the night http://www.st.nu/vasternorrland/medan-du-sov-flera-brander-pa-ett-par-timmar-och-brak-i-stan Malmö, Pipebomb thrown at firefighters fighting burning cars http://www.swedenwatch.com/ Jörn? 25 yr old female on way to work surrounded by 8-10 migrants Man suspected of double murder in Kista (Stockholm suburb) arrested in Denmark http://www.expressen.se/nyheter/gripen-for-dubbelmordet-tillbaka-i-sverige/ Sundsvall 2 found dead suspected murder http://www.st.nu/blaljus/brott/tva-hittade-doda-i-lagenhet-i-sundsvall-polisen-misstanker-mord Skövde Stonethrowing at security guards http://www.skovdenyheter.se/article/stenar-kastades-mot-vaktarbil/ and on and on,,, http://www.swedenwatch.com/has most of these incidents in their feed