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My ex and I have been divorced since April of 16 and we are still making adjustments to the agreement. Kind of frustrating because at this point she is talking about going 50/50 custody which eliminates child support. Sounds great except when you take into account we spent the last year and a half duking it out in court and costing me thousands in lawyer fees and child support along the way. After the kids being kicked out of three day cares in less than as many years I finally said enough and asked her to let me have them and put them in day care under my supervision and parenting and see if there is a change. Going on a month with not even close to the incidents that went on at daycare under her..."care". This scenario has me wondering if kids are actually ADD/ADHD or just under structured at home and just put on meds because of a lack of the parent/s desire to control their kids as opposed to them having to deal with uncontrollable kids. They are talking about putting my kids on meds and I am like well if they aren't acting like that with me than it is consistent behavior thus it must be something external to the kids that is the problem. Their mom continually lies during the sessions and I am about to put a stop to them altogether because I feel like it is a waste of time for me and the kids. Hopefully we will make it to court to file for custody of them full time soon and be done with her insanity altogether. Anyone else successfully get custody of their kids? Or even remotely going through this hell storm that I am? would love to discuss

I think generally the FDR community regard parental separation/divorce as correlated with highly negative outcomes for children. Isn't this an over-simplification of the facts? I bumped into a study recently that said that when economic and parental attachment are taken into consideration, then outcomes for children remain essentially the same. I think the study looked at success in terms of both intellectual development and healthy relational outcomes. That is to say that the ill effects of separation are due to decline in collective family income and break away of emotional bond with the father. However, if after the breakdown the financial situation for the children is good and there is still connection with the biological father (or a quality father figure) then things turn out much the same. What do you say to these study findings?

An interesting article from the CDC discusses the fact that roughly 80% of divorces today are initiated by women. Further research seems to indicate that this percentage has steadily increased ~10% every decade since the 70's. Thoughts?

My friend lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. I'm guessing it might be more difficult to find a good therapist where they are so heavily religious but does anyone have any suggestions? I don't see any resources on here. Thanks.

The situation: I've been asked to be the 'Best Man' for a good friend, which is honestly something I never expected to face. I'm honored to fulfill the role, but I do have some problems with it. My own parents divorced when I was six, leaving me with a lasting bad impression of marriage. My mother is currently undergoing the process for her third divorce. I've seen marriage used too often to merely trap a partner, either for temporary or lasting financial security, directly from the father or through government subsidies, or for reproduction out of some unconcious desire to replicate the hasty, clueless babymaking of their own parents. I met this friend through mutual friends in university and, though he has a couple years on me, we've gone through the philosophical, theological and political awakening side by side, challenging and encouraging each others ideas. Though I rarely use the terms to avoid straw-manning of arguements, we are atheist AnCaps. For as long as I've known him, almost ten years now, he has been romantically attached to the woman he's now proposed to. While I obviously don't know her as well as he does, I entirely trust his judgement of her character, and completely agree that she is very unlikely to treat him the way so many women have treated other men. I'm absolutely certain they intend to have children one day, when they are in a financially advantageous position to do so, which may be soon, and I'm certain she'd be a great mother, non-violent, caring and fair, and he a great father. I'm at the age where a lot of friends are starting to marry and have children. Some, I would say, unwisely. I think if anyone can make marriage work then these two people have the best chance out of anyone I know, and they are fully on board with the idea and principles of Peaceful Parenting. But I still have my reservations on marriage itself. I expect I'm going to have to give a speech at a ceremony sooner or later and I don't want to bomb it with my shaky trust in the institution of marriage, and how it is more and more frequently used almost like a social weapon. I'm painfully aware that my doubts stem from my own prior experiences, so any help rendered in overcoming this aspect of my personality would be greatly appreciated.

Hello. My name is Brian. I've been listening for several months and am a donor. I love philosophy and love the things that are going on here. I am new to the forum as well. I have a situation that I was going to try to talk to Steph about but I'm not sure how interesting it is, yada, yada. So I'll make a long story short. If you're married and have stepchildren (huge mistake right there) and things aren't working in the family (wife doesn't like my child, I don't like her children, they don't like each other etc.) is it better to try to work it out or just leave. Which one do you think would cause less damage and limit the damage that already has been caused? There obviously are alot of extenuating circumstances (mormonism, death of a biological parent, and more) but I think it's pretty safe to say that my wife and I get along pretty well most of the time, but all of the other relationships in the "family" are damaged. I've asked two different therapists this question while explaining the whole situation and I got two different answers. a. You should leave. You won't hurt the kids, they don't like you anyway and you don't like them. So as far as you limiting the damage to the children, the damage would be minimal anyway. b. You only have to deal with the kids for another 10 years. If you love your wife, suck it up, do your best and wait out the storm....to paraphrase. I wish I had never gotten myself into this situation, but I did and now I need to figure out the best way to fix this for all involved. Any thoughts on this are welcome. Even if your thought is that I'm a moron...

I am a dad who gets to see my son for the day once a week. He is seven, grade two, and, up until today, he believed in Santa, the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. I don't remember what we were talking about when he seemingly randomly said to me "Santa isn't real.". I haven't talked about Santa with him for years after learning more about ethics, I did somewhat indulge the fantasy when he was about three, but I swore to myself that I wouldn't lie to him about anything including this. I didn't want to lie to him, but I didn't want to provoke his mother or teachers so I didn't outright tell him either. Today while we were playing Lego together he told me "Santa isn't real". I responded with the truth and we had a long talk about many different things including lying, trust, whether its possible for a human to eat a billion cookies in one night, whether its possible for a human to visit 40+ houses a minute for 12 hours solid, and many other things. He was hurt that he was lied to by others, like his mom, and hurt that I lied through omission by not simply telling him the truth earlier. I promised him that I'll never lie to him again and apologised sincerely and we had an incredibly emotionally intimate bonding experience where we talked about things like what dreams are, why people tell kids Santa is real even though he isn't how I want him to feel like he would choose me to be his dad if he had a choice because of the fact that he didnt. Much more memorable time than the usual video game fest we have. When I dropped him off back at his moms later in the day (a woman I never should have dated to begin with, highly volatile personality) I told her that he told me Santa isn't real and that I confirmed his suspicion. She was pissed. She basically yelled at me for 5 minutes about "There's reasons you should lie about these things" and "Do you have any idea how much I put into Santa for him", all within earshot of Aidan, the window was open, as I stuttered around her assault attempting to explain myself but failing miserably. I am now worried that she is going to use our son as an emotional pin cushion for her to attempt to manage her anger and I am questioning whether it was correct to tell him the truth in this situation. Hindsight is supposed to be 20/20, yet the only conclusion I can derive from this latest eruption is that I never should have dated such a mess of control issues of a woman. However, that conclusion doesn't seem to have much to offer in terms of best dealing with the hole I dug for my son BY creating him with this woman, and possibly by being honest with him when his mom prefers a lie. I should also mention that she mentioned in her tirade that I should have called her when he made the proposition. What do you think? Honesty is the first virtue is it not? I understand that there are some things you don't tell kids like the ISIS beheadings, that's not a lie if you don't talk about it, which is similar to how I've approached the Santa thing in the past, but where do you draw the line when you know your child CAN understand all the ins and outs of the situation and is actively seeking the truth of if, yet his emotionally abusive mom is emotionally attached to the idea of him remaining blissfully, or not so blissfully, ignorant? I thought that telling her up front what happened was the best idea, 'soften the blow' so to speak, but now I'm questioning whether I should have maybe told my son the truth but to keep it a secret from his mom, or if I should have simply gone along with the crazy lady and continued to 'lie by omission' as I have before. Now that I've written this post I'm thinking that I did the right thing by telling him the truth and apologising for not doing so earlier. Now A) He knows the truth. and B) He knows I respect him enough to tell him the truth. Anyway if anyone has any insight into anything I might have missed here I would love to get your thoughts. Also if anyone has any similar stories and how they dealt with them I would love to hear about that too. Thanks again for reading and thanks in advance for any responses.

My husband and I are getting a divorce. It is my decision to end things and it was made after we had tried very intensive counselling. The councillor and I both tried our best to get through to my husband but after much talk he refused to acknowledge that his actions have played a part in my not feeling safe in the relationship and my worry about our two boys (aged 4 and 6) becoming a target of his abuse. The counsellor said that even though breaking up our family would be horrible, staying in the relationship as it is would be worse. The councillor supports my decision to leave wholeheartedly and said to my husband that he is a very angry person. Him being angry and me being fearful in our relationship was very destructive. My kids have already seen/heard stuff that will stay with them for life. My husband said that he may want to cut us out of his life completely as it would be 'easier for him' than seeing the boys. Prior to counselling he had threatened to do this if I left him. He was giving me the option of staying with him without him committing to changing anything. I do think (hope desperately) that he will come around and I am keeping things very civil but at this point I really don't know what he'll do. I realize that no matter what, this is going to be the worst thing I could possibly put my kids through (well, staying would have been worse). Right now I'm trying to find as much I can read as possible to explain things in a way that a 4 and 6 year old can understand. Any recommendations?

The video features a child reading a "Dear Mom & Dad" letter describing his emotions regarding the divorce. The video was published by "The Child of Divorce Inc." a nonprofit organization dedicated to mending the heart of the child of divorce. The organisations website (http://thechildofdivorce.com/) encourages you to send them your own story on how divorce has impacted your life. Furthermore it offers a book list on the topic.

In this program I review recent news that the judiciary would like to extend access to the divorce process to the unmarried. I look at the cause of declining rates of marriage and the effects this is having on the divorce industry.

Hi, this is my first post on the board, and have been listening to FDR since Stef first did the Joe Rogan podcast back in September. I’ve gained a lot from it so far, but I think its been made clear to me that the road ahead is a life long ride so I’m strapped in but right now I’ve got a flat and a spare with no tire iron or jack. I’m feeling very anxious as I’m writing this, and a little nervous. WHOO, here goes nothing… My name is Louis, I’m 20 years old, currently living in northern San Diego, CA, USA. I moved here just 13 months ago from Staten Island, New York, where I was born and raised. I moved to California with my Mom, Stepdad, a mutual friend of theirs, and my girlfriend who had been living with me in my mom’s house for 2 years before the move. California was my mom and stepdad’s plan since I was little. He’s a screenplay writer so the move was a step so he can have more opportunities. Right before moving, my mom expressed she no longer felt in love with my step dad, who had been in my life since I was 3, and felt that it would not change. While making the move, we drove in an RV and currently live in it, they didn't sleep together, and upon arrival, she began sleeping in the same bed as the mutual friend. (I guess not so mutual). This drove my stepdad crazy, every night they slept in the same bed together 2 feet away from him. He expressed his discomfort and anger in this situation but it did not matter, after 2 months he had gotten his own place. This stirred me up a lot, it still does. It was clear what was going to happen the whole time, just not explicitly , and until then I just didn’t want to except it. I expressed my sadness about the situation with my mother when she had approached me while my stepdad was away before he had moved out of the RV, with the option of my girlfriend and myself moving into an apartment with her and her new bedmate. That was when it was made explicitly clear to me that my stepdad and her were over and she was indeed going to be with this guy. Who I had known since I was about 5. Obviously the move with them did not take place. But when we had that interaction, I cried as I wanted to ask her how she could be so heartless, such a monster, so wrong, but I couldn't ask her that. I said I didn't want to just abandon my stepfather in the RV, especially where we are living is very far from anything. I can’t remember what I said but I tried to express how I felt, and I can only remember her yelling and tearing, “What about how I feel?!” I went silent, I didn't realize at the time but the whole interaction was all too familiar. She had said that she felt not in love with him for nearly 5 years, but didn't know it herself, and once she realized she did what she wanted to “feel happy” cause thats all she’s ever wanted, and yeah maybe it wasn't pretty but now she’s happy. She has since gotten a DUI and is without a license and probably the most miserable I’ve ever seen her. But I can never tell, she’s impossible to read, every time I see her I feel like she is mad at me, or she’s got something to say and just won’t. Thats one half, maybe the smaller half in my mind for now. But not irrelevant, as the big one is around my Bio-Dad. Before I moved out here, I worked with him doing construction for 2 years after I graduated high school. He knew my mom and step dad were moving but not that I was planning to go with them, I put off telling him for 6 months, and then a month before, I told him, with my girlfriend present. I could not initiate the conversation towards that topic, so we sat at the table awkwardly, until late when I gave the okay for my girlfriend to start. She went with “Mr.B, we have something we would like to talk with you about.” My heart was pounding the entire time, and I was fighting back sweat, and shaking. He took it okay. If it was what I wanted to do then he was happy, I suppose. It was all there but I didn't want to see it then, but I wanted so desperately to take this chance to move to California so I can get away from him. I see it now. All of it for what it is, abuse. My dad has always been a yeller, some would call it short-fuzed, others just an asshole. He's always been one for violence. He always told me stories of him getting into fights at school, or into trouble in school, and then my grandfather beating the shit out of him all the time; always with the caveat that he was BAD. My grandma would call it “Fresh”. I don't know who told me but I was once told that my dad once drowned kittens in a sewer. And boy oh boy does he love his beer. My parents married young, had me at 19(both of them), and separated when I was young, (about a year), but didn't get divorced until right before my mom remarried, some 7-8 years later. My mom had full custody of me but I always went back and forth until I was 16, then I stayed only at my mom’s. I’m my mother’s only child, but my dad, had a girl with a woman he was dating and proposed to, but turned him down, when I was 6. My sister’s mom was no longer living with us about 2 years later, and when I was 11 my dad introduced me to, lets call her Rita, a woman he once dated in high school and left for my mom. Rita had a son (9 at the time) from a man who ran out on her and denied paternity when she was 18. My dad moved them in with me and my sister about 2 months after the meeting, and married her all alone in Jamaica 4 months after that. They would go on to build a custom house together, and when I was 15 they had a baby girl, and my dad legally adapted her son, then when I was 17 they had another girl. After Rita lost her job after having the first child, they started to struggle, so after the second child was born, they were looking to sell the house they just built. It sold and we moved the last of their stuff out of that house and into the new one, the morning before Hurricane Sandy hit Staten Island. My dad would sometimes brag about his power over us by saying things like ‘when me and my sister would start to get out of line all he had to do was look at us and we knew’. I have many vivid memories of my dad hitting my first little sister and beating our dog. I always remember there being a hole in the wall somewhere that my dad made with his fist, even before my sister was born. Before I moved and knew better, I know he was doing the same to my 2 youngest sisters, then 4 and 2. But I know it has been going on as since they were less than a year. This caused me look at my early childhood where there’s really not a lot of memory before 5-6, so I talked with my mom. She left him because of the way he is, with his temper, so I asked about being spanked, she says he spanked me as early as 8 months old, but she insisted that she wasn't as worried about that as she was his verbal abuse, and rages. She admitted that she also spanked me but she said specifically 8 times. When I asked her, ‘You won in the legal system, 100%, why did you not take me away from him if you left because he was violent?’ Her response haunts me, “Well you really looked up to him at the time this was going on, and wanted to still see him, he was your dad, and when I grew up hating everyone who took me away from my parents, I just knew whatever I experienced I wanted to be opposite for you.” Now the older girl just turned 5 yesterday, and the other turned 3, 2 months before. And I know they are experiencing all the same kind of trauma that I have, living with my dad, they might have it worse considering the mother. I recently asked my oldest sister about how often has she seen my dad, hit, push, grab, slap, spank, or anything violent towards, either of the 2 youngest, her response was about twice a day. And I already know that the verbal aggression and abuse is constant. I also asked my stepbrother but in the context of, my sister says twice a day, would you agree? He said “at least from what I SEE.” I desperately want to confront my father on this issue but the fear level for me is so overwhelming. Ive spoken to him all of maybe 6 times in the year that I've been living in CA, but the last time, I tried to RTR him but couldn't speak it and I needed to get it out, so I texted him, explaining that I have fear around talking with him honestly and openly. Needless to say he didn't get it, but left with the good old, “You know I love you, when you're ready, I’ll be here.” I know this is long, so to anyone who’s read this far, I am truly thankful, and if anyone can offer up any comments, questions, advise, or criticisms, would all be helpful here. I would also like to acknowledge that this post as my very first may come on as very strong, but that would be why it is so lengthy. Thank You anyone and everyone, Louis

Ah, where shall I begin... I dove head first into Stefan' videos about a week and a half ago. Something clicked. I'm here to learn because I'm at a(nother) crossroads in life, unable to continue cycling through my same patterns of dysfunction anymore and having difficulty determining what direction to go in. I went from an anxious overachiever in my youth to a depressed, directionless and drifting divorcee' all before the tender age of 27. I got lost in the rabbit hole while trying to decondition myself from my Catholic, nationalistic, athletic, and tribal indoctrinations of my youth. Mr. Molyneux's rational, humbling, and personally applicable insight is helping me to see through my missteps without constantly beating up on myself. I finally feel a step closer to the self-trust that I can barely remember what it feels like to have. Thanks for your support, and I will do my best to return it. fitzpatrick

I've been married for 3 1/2 years. I was 20 and he was 28 when we got married. At the time, we were both devout, conservative, fundamentalist Christians who were raised by parents who sheltered us from just about every opposing viewpoint and religiously indoctrinated us from the time we were born. I found my way out of religion and am now an atheist. My worldview has changed completely over the past two years and I consider myself a rationalist. My husband, on the other hand, is still a very anti-rational thinker and a Christian as I once was. And I do not know what to do. I don't blame my upbringing for my own choices; I take full ownership for them, since I was an adult at the time I decided to enter into a marriage relationship. I take responsibility for the fact that I did not dedicate time to acquiring adequate self-knowledge prior to making a lifelong commitment involving another person. I take responsibility for the fact that I did not take the time to get to know my husband for as long as I should have. And I take responsibility for the decision to get married at an age that was too young. I see now, too late, that I was an utter idiot with my choices. I value keeping my word and I know I, as a consenting adult, made a promise to him on our wedding day and it would be a terrible thing for me to go back on my word. At the same time, we had always planned on children, but I do not think it wise in the slightest to bring children into the mix, one parent being a strict rationalist/atheist and the other an anti-rationalist/religiously driven thinker. Our beliefs about the most fundamental areas of life are now not only different, but they are diametrically opposed and raising children in the middle of that would be lunacy. Aside from the issue of children, I just don't know how the marriage can ever have a hope of being happy when we have such conflicting values and beliefs. But I also desperately do not want to go back on my word and break a promise I made by ending the marriage. I know therapy is probably the first step to figuring things out (whether that leads to staying together or separating). Any other suggestions or advice?

Hi All I wanted to make available some notes I took down from a podcast where Stef talks with a man who discusses the breakdown of his marriage, in particular the behaviour of his wife. I'm not sure which podcast it was... Can you suggest any more? If so, feel free to post below. Signs a person is preparing to leave a marriage and abscond with children - Removal of money from joint accounts - Not paying bills - Spending more time with friends - Talking to/flirting with strange members of the opposite sex - Making the other person sleep on the couch or a friend's house - Throwing things/violent in front of children - Unexpectedly allows time with children - usually occurs right before she leaves with children - Unexpectedly allows affection e.g. sex, kissing, where it was previously being witheld - Plays children against the other person - Children showing signs of 'brainwashing' Signs of demise - Fundamental disagreement about what marriage is supposed to be - Changes after birth of children - Taking children to family, friends without the involvement of other persons - Correcting the parental discipline of the opposite partner to win affection from children - Campaign of alienation against the partner Warning signs before marriage - Tending to marginalize partner to the point where they would get angry at the partner pointing out the marginalization - Not having any expectations about nurturing the relationship - Expecting to be cared for, paid for and looked after without reciprocity, but threat with withdrawal of sex - Selfishness/spoiled - A honey trap - Physically appealing and outgoing - don't mistake accidental characteristics for personal virtues - Likes attention from other men/women - Men -Vengeance of the beta male to screw up the alpha female - Lack of intelligence or willingness to learn and explore - Entitlement complex - Not willing to look at self-knowledge - Lack of empathy for the unfortunate Beware personal failings - Have you been conditioned to be treated in a certain way in your childhood, which means you will be put up with shitty behaviour? - Do not get married or have children without self-work - very dangerous thing to do - Hanging with the wrong crowd? If bad people like you then there is something in your behaviour you have to be aware of - Don't have kids straight away, especially with worldly, attractive people - unfortunately despite the stereotyping there are indeed greater risks here

I am in a 12 year relationship with two small children. My girlfriend is very upset with me. Full of resentment. She is upset about the division of labor, my personality defects and a feeling of domination. She is feeling like she is done with our relationship, I feel very differently and am still I madly in love with her. I'm looking for advise on how to repair our relationship. If any one has any advise or experience saving a marriage please let me know. Thank you for reading this and taking time to reply.