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I've been reading Nietzsche's Genealogy of Morals lately and in order to understand it better I thought this might be the right place to start the discussion. This is my understanding of the first two parts of the book (part three will follow soonish). Here we go! Part I In the beginning, the ruling elite (i.e. slave masters) define good and bad. Originally they only refer to qualitative differences. Good is nothing more than someone / something better, higher, stronger than the average. In a similar way bad only means something low, weak and ugly – the plebs and the products of their work. No morality has been invented yet, might makes right – the nobility takes what they think naturally belongs to them in a similar way as wolves hunt elks. It is hardly a coincidence that most heraldic signs of the nobility have lions, eagles and bears in them. Morality gets invented by the slave class as a survival mechanism for themselves: whatever the slaves must do in order to survive becomes a virtue. Since the slaves cannot openly be rebellious and keep the product of their own labour they define weakness, lack of courage and even obedience as virtues. In the slave morality 'good' means someone not like the slave masters, it defines good purely by negation of the 'noble' good. To describe slave masters in these new terms it uses the word 'bad'. At the bottom of this morality is the feeling of resentment hiding in plain sight – instead of avenging masters in the real world, what the slave morality offers as medicine is the idea of the spiritual world after death, where a rightful judge will punish the slave masters for their sins and reward the slaves for their virtues. To propagate these ideas, you'll need a new class, the priests. Part II – conscience and bad conscience If I understood correctly Nietzsche thinks that the origin of conscience follows roughly this causal chain: Active forgetting → Active remembering → Being able to give and keep promises → Seeing every human transaction through the lenses of validity of promises to others and/or to yourself == conscience. Remembering with regard to promises is a manifestation of your own strong will to power (yearning for freedom) – you can only give promises if you believe you're strong enough to be able to keep them even in the face of accidents etc. Older societies needed to 'remind' people of the necessity of remembering with different forms of torture. In order to understand bad conscience we need to grasp the origin of guilt. The most primitive form of agreement (promise) is the contract between the debtor and the creditor. Nietzsche claims that in the ancient world people enjoyed causing each other pain – usually this privilege was reserved for the masters, but even the plebs had sometimes this luxury. If your debtor was unable to pay you, you could demand your payment in pound of flesh – either as some organ of your debtor or as your debtors freedom all together (i.e. your debtor would become your slave). In a similar way, tribes we're thought to be indebted to their ancestors (gods). Amount of debt would be directly proportional to success of the tribe. Therefore, to please the gods they would sacrifice cattle and even humans to their ancestors. Original sin ('Schuld' means both guilt and debt!!) is precisely this feeling of indebtedness to your forefathers. This is also the bad conscience people feel and religions – such as environmentalism and multiculturalism - utilize in order to keep the slaves in check; “polluting the Earth by existing” and “white guilt”. Christianity claims to solve this problem by sacrificing the God himself on a cross for the unpayable debts of mankind. Bad conscience is formed once the human animal recognizes he cannot escape the society – his natural aggression and cruelty now turn inwards. Original sin would be one form in which this phenomenon manifests itself. So what do you think? Did I miss something crucial here? Should I read 'Beyond Good and Evil' before I even start to tackle this book? One of the most important parts was the link between guilt and credit. Could this ancient moral link be the real cause why nobody has succeeded reinventing the money and making it popular - instead of it (credit money system that is) having been the monopoly of the governments for so long? Anyway, I'm happy to hear your thoughts.

Hey guys. I have a question about guilt and trying to decipher if it's true self or not. My guilt I experienced a while back about a certain situation that was my responsibility but hadn't hurt anyone had actually led me back into the arms of my parents. I hadn't left them yet and I was about to but the guilt put my life on hold. I had to try to right the situation as much as I could. During that time period I was crying on my mother's shoulder and seeking comfort from both my parents. In all of your opinions, if the guilt I feel leads me to seek emotional comfort from those who abused me, is the guilt necessarily all true self then?

Hi all. I would appreciate some perspective from other virtue-minded people on an internal struggle I'm dealing with regarding an accident with a firearm. As a foreword to the topic, I've reported my incident in full to my local police and it carries with it no illegality. A year ago I had an accidental discharge with my carry pistol in my room and the projectile shot through my roof/wall and up into the night. It was at a 45 degree angle so it wasn't going to hit anything with full power, but where it came down is where it could have done damage. The minute it happened I got into my car and drove down into the area where it would have landed, and there was no commotion. What I should have done that night was contact the police immediately, but I didn't due to my fear of my father's anger and whatever consequences might accrue legally (again, the police now know and it carries no illegality). After a week or two I informed my parents about it and since no police came they decided to just seal up the hole. About 8 months passed and it hadn't crossed my mind. I'd landed a job and was building my assets up to finally move out. Everything was going great. One night after work I'd bought some strong alcohol (I don't drink) and the next morning I thought I had alcohol poisoning. I rushed myself to the ER and it turned out I would be fine. When I told my folks they seemed not to be too bothered by it. That night I had two dreams, one where I was late for work and was probably fired, told my parents, and they turned a cold shoulder to me saying I deserved it, causing me to have a meltdown. The second was where I was watching myself fire a rifle into my back woods accompanied by a friend I used to know. When I went from 3rd to 1st person I stopped in horror and rushed into the woods to make sure nobody was hurt. I emerged in a parking lot where cars and walls were riddled with holes and people were coming out all angry and yelling at me. I kept searching to make sure at least nobody was hit but crowds of angry people just swarmed me. From the minute I woke up I was overwhelmed with guilt and fear at what I'd done. After vigorously analyzing my two dreams and the circumstances surrounding, I decided to follow my gut which was telling me to report what happened and take full responsibility. I went to the cops, told them every detail, and all they did was make a report (since nobody reported anything). I thought the fear of the cops was what was bothering me, but after I cleared it up with them, the only thing that disappeared was the fear. The guilt still sticks and it feels like something is still wrong. I still feel it in the bottom of my stomach right now, though it's not debilitating. So... how do you perceive my guilt from an outsider's perspective? I would really really appreciate some help with this as I have nobody in my life right now I can really explore this with, and the one thing I want in life is to be a good person. This could be my true self pointing me in the direction of virtue, or historical trauma, and that's what I feel I need to figure out.

A very important message regarding a painfully common misconception about having psychoemotional struggles, feeling unsure, being "weak," and looking for help.

I'm a male, 21 years old. Living in Sweden where I grew up with my mom and dad, older brother who is mentally and physically handicapped (dyskinetic cerebral palsy + mental disability I do not know the name for), and younger sister. At 13-14 I cut myself, and at 15 I started doing drugs. Things were all right as far as my earliest memories go, maybe that's because there aren't that many of them. The ones of my brother are happy and with parts of our extended family around helping out. My brother can not talk with words, he does not have that kind of control over his muscles. He does communicate though, like an infant. Crying when upset, making sounds to hint at something, blinking for yes and almost pronouncing a "no" when he means "no". As I grew past him I never realized the situation, my parents never talked about it. It was 100% normal until I started being away from my family and hanging out in friends houses without wheelchairs at around age 7-8. That's when I first noticed things were off in our family. I never had trouble with kids teasing me or him for it, but I would be scared having girls over when it came to that. My friends got to know who he was but they never got close. He was mostly in another room if we were playing in our house. They never/very rarely asked about him. If there was an option to play at someone elses house, I would fight for that. When my brother was around 14 years old and I was about 10, he started having problems with his hips and back. There were many surgeries and trips to hospitals in different cities for many years. We never talked about it. We went there, said comforting things to my brother like "it's going to be better soon" "you can go home soon" etc. He understands these things to an extent... After 10 minutes he'll be asking "when can I go home?". Very annoying for parents who does not want to talk about anything. My parents never asked me or my sister about our experiences of any of this. My brother stopped eating around this time. My parents would mix "regular food" into a mush like the ones for babies because chewing was hard, but even this got too hard for my brother to eat. So naturally, my mother got mad. It escalates quickly and soon she is full on yelling at his face, he's crying and there me and my sister are sitting across the table, watching. So is dad. In these intense moments of action he's passive. My brother has gotten nutrition through gavage ever since (I'm not sure if that's the right word. Food through feeding tube in stomach to bypass the throat). Then he stopped sleeping. So now my mothers screaming would not end after dinner, it would carry on into most of the nights when I was around 13-19 years old, until I moved out. I asked my sister earlier today how the nights are now, she said "he still wakes up, but I guess mom is less mad". She would scream so loud, and so would he. "You have to sleep, don't you understand?! I'm tired of this, it's *enough*!". The worst thing she ever said was "if you don't shut up I'll throw you out of this window". That stuck with me, you could say. Then the next morning, she and dad is acting like nothing has happened, smiling and ready for the day. My brother was happy too, but he can't really help it. I thought I was going insane, I obviously couldn't process reality. There's lots more, but I guess that is enough. I've been to counseling for a few months, once every 2 weeks which is not enough for me I feel. I've told my parents all of this, how I feel they abused all of us. But they do not get it. Just today I told my mother that I do not want to come to the birthday dinner, because I'm afraid I will burst into tears. She replies with the usual "but I've said I'm sorry already! What do you want me to do? It's in the past... I can't go back in time, and change what is done! I'm sorry!". I've invited them to a meeting with my counsler in 2 weeks, looking forward to that. I work as a personal assistant for my brother, have done for 2 years. He didn't have anyone else at the "daycare" he went to after school. My parents report good times in school, and when he left at age 19 for something called "day center" (roughly translated) he was miserable. He cried every morning, he did not want to go. He would cry until he puked. Right, I forgot to mention he would average vomiting something like 2-3 times a day for the later half of his life. I have a lot of gross memories of him and vomit running down his chest, me and my sister panicking yelling for mom or dad to help... He's 26 now and I believe it's getting better on that aspect. To be honest I think it's my communication with him that has made this improvment (among other things, like going out for wheelchair dances and hanging out at a café for handicapped people). He is always looking forward to going there with me, he has lots of friends who want to be with him, I help him communicate through translating his body language to others, and he has only puked 3-4 times during my 2 years working with him. I have to start the day with going home to him, and he still lives with my parents. Then we take a taxi to the Day Center, when the day is done we take a taxi back and my parents take over the role of "personal assistant". This makes me very sad. I don't want them to take care of him, and I don't want to meet them every day. I don't know why I made this post. I originally called it "feeling guilt over not going to dads birthday dinner" but it turned out a lot bigger than that. Don't think I have a question for anyone to answer, I just wanted to express how I feel and maybe have someone listen.

I wrote this article a year ago, and since it's this time of the year perhaps some of you may find this helpful. Holiday Depression and Stress

I Don't know where to begin and I feel a great deal of anxiety thinking about telling people this. I'm just going try to explain. My issue is: I need to apologize to someone, because I have physically attacked them without warning and without being threatened. I know this person is and always will be such a terrible person i don't know how to apologize to them. I don't think they will know why I am apologizing if I attempt to apologize only for the attack, but refuse any communication unrelated to explanation or closure for the attack. I want to apologize for what I have done and offer closure for the terror I brought upon his life. I can't imagine what that could have been like for him. I can’t live the rest of my life knowing I have attacked someone and haven't even apologized. I feel i can't live my life now knowing this. When i start saying things like this I start to think i don't know who this apology is even for. It starts to seem like the point is to relieve MY guilt from doing it rather than his pain and trauma and emotional damage for having it done to him. When I consider the emotions he must of felt I think it must have been terrible for him, to think someone could hate you so much to actually attack you, to fear for your safety. When I consider those things I am partially doubtful, because he told everyone about the incident immediately after it happened, didn’t call the police or press charges, made the scar I gave him his FB profile picture, and he continues to brag about the scar/incident and use the topic as a conversation starter… I guess context essential…. The Story:The Situation is so complicated and has so many contributing factors on my part that go back so far, I have no idea where to start so I’m just going to try and tell you how this happened. I also want to say that I can remember my thoughts from when I was on the SSRI, but it’s like the thoughts of a mad person to me. Any thoughts in the following paragraph are memories, not the thoughts I have about this now. This took place 3 years ago when I and all my friends we're about 19. The previous year i had attempted suicide and I was gladly put on an SSRI. It was like being on a little speed all the time (I now have a ‘working diagnosis’ of bi polar, something I’ve been told SSRI’s have a manic effect on). I got my first apartment with my boyfriend, this guy (call him N) and others, as a product of my parents’ divorce. I broke up with my boyfriend because he had anger issues, and kicked him out when I was told he was the source of missing food. When N’s girlfriend left him he became very depressed, I talked him out of suicidal thoughts and I felt I could trust him after his vulnerability. For unknown reasons, I become too horny after time, and it’s been like this since puberty. I wrote a note proposing we be ‘fuck buddies’ without fucking, or kissing because I didn’t really like him I wanted to use him. He agreed, and later asked if I would harm him in ways like cutting, I agreed to scratch him hard on his back. We had only a couple encounters. Soon after, N and the other roommate told me they were moving in to another apartment and not paying the rent that was due in about two weeks. I felt betrayed and confused. I found a new apartment with another who I considered to be my bestfriend.One day, a couple weeks after moving in to the new apartment the bestfriend let it slip that N said we had slept together and after convincing him I was unaware of this and that it was untrue, a couple friends enlightened me as to what had been happening behind my back the past month or two. N had twisted real events, like us having a sexual encounter into stories like we slept together and we were dating or that he didn’t want to date me and was using the scratches on his back as ‘proof’ we’d slept together. Said things like my breasts and genitals were unattractive and unpleasant. That I was a regular hard drug user. That I had sex with other people we both knew. I realized that he had framed one of my good friends for stealing from me, when of course it was him. I found out he was attempting to date my friend at the time, someone he previously said had unattractive genitals and called a slut ext. I found out he was the one stealing all my food, and that he regularly bragged about instigating fights between myself and my ex. N took pictures of the written conversation between him and I and sent the pictures to my ex, stating that I had really broken up with him for N.Then my bestfriend told me he was going over to N’s house and I could confront him if I wanted. We left within 10 mins of me hearing all this.Over the past couple of weeks I had been so angry and sad about not knowing what was happening to all my friends, I was stabbing cardboard boxes to try and relieve my anger without cutting myself. I grabbed the blade I had used to stab the boxes and my friend said ‘are you going to scare N?’ I quietly said ‘…yeah’.(I wish so much that he’d realized how mad I was and that I had no idea what I was doing and taken the blade from me. Every time I see this ‘friend’ I wasn’t to ask him if it’s all been a dream. Sometimes I feel like if I could just ask him, that I would wake up before it happened and it would never have to happen. I’m crying my eyes out right now, I’m afraid to type to word pad what happened)I had no idea how or what I planned on doing, I just had a notion that somehow I would humiliate and betray him the way he had me. I would let everyone know that what he was saying was a lie, and I would expose something he had told me in confidence. When I saw the blade I thought I could somehow tell everyone that he was bitter because I wouldn’t have sex with him and that I wouldn’t cut him, only scratch him. When I picked it up and my friend asked if I was going to scare N with it, I sort of thought that was something I could do and brought it with me.We went to N’s apartment and I yelled something like ‘so I hear you’ve been telling everyone we slept together’ in a room of about 5 or 6 people. I remember the beginning and end of this exchange but not the middle. I just remember that he was twisting what I said to make it sound like the lies he had been telling were just secrets I didn’t want people to know. When I could not respond to this I became so enraged and hit him somewhere on the head or face, and he laughed at me, and then I cut him. I actually c u t him, I didn’t see where, I found out after it was the right side of his neck. I can see myself doing this in memory, but I can’t remember feeling myself in my body, grabbing the blade, swinging, deciding this. I’m light headed thinking about this, and I feel like just stopping and puking. I feel like …what I feel I should feel like, disgusting.My friend grabbed my hand and I dropped the blade. I realized what I had done about 15 mins after in his car and I started asking him how bad it was, where and what was going to happen to both of us. He assured me N was taken directly to the hospital. Then I realized that I may have just attempted murder depending on where the wound landed….The wound was two inches wide and I think half an inch deep on the right side of his lower neck. I went to jail for the weekend until my mother bailed me out. He texted everyone we knew and told them I tried to kill him.I had a dream when I was younger(7-10) that I had done something terribly wrong and I was being sent to a detention of sorts. But I didn’t go, I ran and I ran all over the town while being chased by authorities. I accidentally jumped into the detention ‘room’, it had no ceiling and everyone sat in it willingly. I jumped back out and continued the spree. I was caught and because I did not willingly go to detention I was sentenced to something worse. I was suspended with my head floating above water, in a lake. I think I had to stay like this forever until I died. My dad came to see me and he was so ashamed and sad that he was losing me. He asked why I did this, I told him I was sorry. Then I shrivelled up and died. I thought of this dream immediately after being put in jail. I felt like this dream was coming true. I felt like my whole twisted life had been coming to some twisted end like this. I felt like this was the end. This was the end of my life, this dream was the prophecy and I had fulfilled it. I felt like I was dying in that jail cell, l felt like guilt and shame could kill me.If that was what was what I was capable of doing, something needed to change. I started really trying to figure out what was wrong with me and how I could fix myself and come back from this terrible thing i had become.I spent the next year in court and weekends in jail for the next 8 months after court.From what I’m told his life has not changed that much. ..How do I even attempt to approach apologizing for this?

I've been working on knowing myself better and improving myself/understanding false feelings for a while, and I feel like it's been going really well...but there's something that I've been having trouble understanding, and it's the way I self-impose judgement and guilt. Right now, I'm currently trying to be more assertive about my preferences, which has been reducing the way I judge and guilt myself a little bit, but it still hinders me a lot sometimes, even for small things. For instance, if I say something "too assertive" in person or on the internet, I will start fixating on it, get anxious that I said something "wrong" and only feel better if I either edit what I said, take back what I said, or add a qualifying statement. It's a dilemma, because sometimes I am not sure if this is my real self showing I was being insensitive or unempathetic, or if it's my false self trying to censor me or make me less assertive. Does anyone share in this or have any advice as to how I could continue?

New article on the struggles of standing up for yourself in a toxic relationship; more specifically about self-doubt: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2014/06/setting-boundaries-with-toxic-people.html

Hi "This is long you do not have to read everything, only read the chapters that you need to read to answer the question." I have 3 questions 1) Were my parents abusive? And if yes was it there fault? Are they abusive or not, I am confuse. 2) Am I the way I am because of my parent?(as much as I kind of believe it, I don't want to sound like a whinny person)(saying omg it's my parents fault) 3) What solutions do you suggest and why? And here are rules that must be respected at my moms place. 1) My Home my rules whatever the age even if over 18 2) you were my kid and will always be my kid 3)younger siblings must respect and listen to their older sibling and elders 4) Childrens are expected to take care of their elder in old age 5)can't arrive late at home everyday or every week. 6) the parent is always right 7) can't have sex in my room( I think that one is reasonable) 8) expected to contribute finantially to the home 9) My moms definition of a good man is a man that provides ressources to his familly. Values learn, 1) its okey to lie or steal sometime if its for a good cause like giving food to your kids(this one confused me a lot) 2) you must share with others 3) be polite 4)dont let people bullie you 5)defend yourself if you are attacked 6) people of colour must always work harder to succeed Communication with my mom is difficult because she is not the strongest at french and, I can never know if she is acting sick or genuily sick. She has high and low tention and when she get into heated dispute with me she starts getting sick, which makes my sister say I should stop, to avoid my mom getting a heart attack or a stroke. She is pretty sick physically but not too sick that she cannot take care of her own self. And her education is very low. In her school you had too learn things by heart without knowing why, and each time you made mistake you were punished by getting hit or by staying on your knees, and when you got home you might get a second bitting from your parents. All schools and parents did it at the time. People in my familly see it as normal and humorous. So she doesnt have much critical thinking skills or reason unfortunately but is very superstitious and christian. ____________________________________________________________________ Table of content 0. Introduction 1. Family history 1.2 some bad stuff my mom said, and her hate of men(except me) 1.3 My dad 1..3 my mom 1.4 punishments 1.5 my older sister 1.6 religion 1.7 my childhood and history of rejections 1.8 Is my mom aware of what she is doing? And how to find out? 2. Guilt 3. My love life and sexuality 4. Confusions 5. Career goals 6. Conclusion ___________________________________________________________________ Here are a few problems I had, that thanks god( I am atheism I say it for sake of expression) I discovered the source of those problems therefore I begun to solve a few. Of them.(with the help of counselors and philosophy)as well as (confronting my fears) I have been trying too hard to be somebody that I am not. 1) Afraid to engage In physical or verbal conflict involving defending an opinion or of someone who wants to cause violence physical or verbal to me, for example somebody saying that I am stupid for not performing well at work. ( Now I defend my opinions against people, but it is difficult to do and I defend my opinions against my mom occasionally by using a comedic tone, with my sister I defend too. Obviously I never win an argument against my family and I am never right. Even with my dad, I am wrong for not calling him, I am late, and everything is my fault, not his. ( this question is troublesome to answer during job interviews) 2) Afraid or very uncomfortable to be intimate with women. (It's difficult to have full trust in women as much as in men, but I can have conversation, mostly superficial with 20% of personal stuff.), I have trust issue in general with people. I had a hard time trusting in my own self. 3) Uncomfortable to talk about sex and to express sexual desire or to display sexual energy ( I can force it but it doesn't come naturally. When I was a teenager sex was a taboo subject at home. If people kissed on tv, the channel was changed. And If I asked a question about a word, I was told that I was too young to know), First time I had condoms home, my mother felt uneasy. 4) Am still a virgin at 25 and I used to be very frustrated about it. (Sometimes I am considering participating in the “mgtow” movement. I stopped pursuing sex now as I am focused on a hobby that I really love. I masturbate on pornography but I reduced my frequency of exposure to pornography by a lot. 5) Never had a real relationship, I wanted one super badly but now I don't really care. I was obsess with relationships or sex.( it used to be my main goal in life and the best I did is dating 2 girls for 2 weeks we did kiss and hold hands. One of them Had a bad breakup I believe. She as a successful career thought, and loved what I do and gave me my first kiss; in short she boosted my confidence a lot. I was 19 when I had my first kiss which was with her. The second one I don't know much about except that she is working toward a successful career in a similar hobby of mine. Beside does 2 successful date I had at least 30 dates that went nowhere 6) I was very hard on myself (perfectionist), it was nearly impossible to accept that I was good at something. It was difficult for me to take compliments positively because I did not trust that people believed in me. Always trying too hard to be the best in my career and skills that I chosed, I was rarely satisfied by my effort and results. I could stay awake all night to finish school projects, accomplishment was more valuable than happiness) Now sometime people will say I'm good at something and I do an effort to trust their 7) Obsess with physical appearance, with a lot of yo-yo dieting for 6-8 years gaining and loosing 20lbs. ( if I got fat or lost abs my sister would say it, and sometimes my mom too.) (if some people at school said I was fat in the last 2 years it would make me sad)(Now I decided to use a slow way to lose weight, and I changed my appearance.) Unfortunately still now it's important to me, I still find it hard to love my self without having the best body I can. I am trying but I still need this body.) I was told when young that my father was an ugly guy and that i looked like him/ now she says I'm good looking and better than my dad 8) Lots of duality and confusion between career choices and hobbies. (I had to choose between illustration (commercial communication arts), Dancing/Circus and Acting. My parents wanted me to do stuff in Medicine or engineering. I choose Illustration. Now I wish I had taken dance or circus. 9) Always felt I owe something to somebody and could never say no.( on top of that I am still confuse of wether or not I owe my parents something, I used to want to become rich to save my mom from her depts., cuz I love her so much) 10) General fear of a lot of things including fear of yapping big dogs.(fear of all my family member rejecting me and calling me a selfish Ingrate.), I use to fear sleeping in the dark. 11) Use to be very shy.( but I used pick up artistry for 4 years, talking to strange women and going to dates and getting rejected. Now I call myself more reserved and quiet instead of shy. I still get some anxiety sometimes. I feel anxious because when people make a joke about me, I tend to get angry very fast. No socialising avoids the issue of been made fun off (as joke) . I have been called weird and different, by acquaintance, I learned to accept and like it. 12) Solutions: After 5 years of seeing a school counsellor, well 2 different one. I finally accepted that the origins of the problem are my education from home. What she said is : You are a non-traditional kid born in a traditional family and the only way to get better is to first separate yourself from your mother physically(move out) and second mentally separate yourself from her. I probably wrote in my journal but from my memory I think she said that my mother was selfish and manipulative. I am tired of this environment despite me paying very little for rent and food. I feel excited to move out. _______________________________________________________________________________________ Now the fallowing text is very long. You may use the table of content above to skip to whichever parts you may feel the need to read, to answer my questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________ 1.Familly History: 1.1 The positive things that were done. Now the problem with this is. My mom did my food, took care of me when I had my burnout from college. Cuddle me a bit as a kid. (She considered that kid should not be cuddled too much and her family agreed and I did not get maternal milk I Think)(I know she is against giving maternal milk)When bullied at school she advised me. She prevented me of becoming an alcoholic or druggy by because of bad friends. She makes me pay a small part of the rent and food and ask for help on some depts. She helped to pay for 10% of my college tuition, by giving me credits money and sometimes real money. I have warm memories of her touching my nose; I have memory of going to her room when I had a nightmare and me sleeping near her. Last year I was always remembering these memories and I always wished that I could still sleep near my mom in her bed. One day I called my dad because I felt sick, but my dad was not here to help me so my mom took care of me . 1.2 Some bad stuff my mom thinks and said and her hate for men and sex and pleasure. But in contrast, I have being called stupid and idiot sometimes when I was probly 5-10years old. The justification for it is because I was unable to do certain things the right way. At the moment she says similar things but as a joke and very rarely, because obviously I am better at doing things now. Now when she says things like that I imagine what I would say. I think I replied to her once but there were no agreement. I was also told that I was not good looking and looked like my father and that my father was ugly. But now she says I am a good looking guy and that im different and better then my father. My mom and dad were separated before I was conscious. And I was born to hate my dad. I was told and heard conversation that men are evil! I believe it was a common toward only men in my race because most black person don't have a dad therefore all black dad are bad. A lot of female friends of family were single moms. I saw my dad on rare occasion but had fun. He bought me kool toys and played with me a bit until I started to hate him because he was lying and my mom used that as an advantage to make me hate him. Also the fact that he had other partners was used to make me hate him. Thirdly is anger about child support was used to make me hate him too. But I learned 4 years ago that he was always busy because he was paying some child support or alimony for me plus he had many other children to take care off. My dad's version of the reason he separated with my mom was that my mom loved him but my mom's cousins who hated men except for the sex and money. My aunt apparently told my mom that she should find a way to kick my dad out of the house and get child support. Till now I never told my mom that I like my dad now. Oh and I have often beign called lazy and all of this up till now. And now when people call me lazy in school I take it very personal and get very mad or sad. I have also beign told by my mom that I am not man an off because I dont know how to fix things n the house when she ask. I cant know everything, I know some thing but unfortunately I am not an andy man, I am more of an illustrator, an artist a thinker. 1.3 My dad My dad was in the military when young. He is strict, more than my mom, but less religious than my mom but he goes to church. He wants me to be polite with him. I have no subject and hobbies in common with him and we are unable to deeply connect because have been disconnected for so long. I don't like much hanging out with him cause its boring and we always meet during him working but I love is presence and I like to feel that he is a man I like to see him deal with client. He is an entrepreneur. And works super hard, it seems like he never takes a break (one explanation of why I overwork my safe even when in pain). He worked 6 days a week until he was 60 years old. He has recreated a new family now. My dad had at least 3 different wife and few children in is life. He is 66 years old now and still works but 5-4 days a week. Unfortunately I don't really feel love for him but no hate either. He seems to love me a lot thought. He used to give me promises to meet me to go out when I was a kid and then he would cancel on me. I hated this. Because I loved him and wanted to see him but then he would lie to me and work instead. My mom used that to help me hate him too. Unfortunately I always forgave him. I think. People putted a lot of pressure and hate on my dad, including is on family. They told him that he is irresponsible and doesn't take care of is kids. All is kids 1.3 My mom My mom was with another man before my dad and had my sister with him. My sister never met her dad because he died or disappeared. He used to gamble apparently. But my mother was in need of a man no because, she is born in a country that is poor and immigrated in Canada. Obviously needed to Mary and get a husband because she had no skills and no education. My mom often says that women should not Mary for love, but for resources. My mom regrets her choices and said she should have married a handsome white man when she was pretty and young. She was like a princess at home she told me her brothers and sister did most of the work and her dad loved her very much. In contrast Her parents were very harsh and strict, and gave many rules. She said parents in her country were mean for no reason. Hitting their kids and yelling at them. People from my parent's country actually find animal cruelty to be a good thing and a normal thing. People also get robbed and the law is not very good. My mom worry a lot about what other parents thinks of her. She feels insecure that people realises that her son is not going to church. She feels insecure that people ask why I don't have a girlfriend. Sometimes she prefers me not to show up to an event to avoid shame. And sometimes she wants me to come to an event to avoid shame. I suppose this is selfish right? 1.4 Punishment I got hit for punishment in the past. Once for not eating my food, and once for being too eager to open Christmas presents in front of family member( I think she did it to not be ashamed in front of her niece) Because her niece Hits her son with her fists(punching)(her nieces punishment are harsher). Till today I see these punishments as justified. I was hit with a belt. My mom thought always refused that the men of the family punish the kids because the man is too strong. On another note my mom's niece was not a single mom but Her and the husband was in a bad marriage, The husband manned up(like we say), had no sex and gave all is money to the house(my mother considered him a good man for sacrificing is pleasure) but he divorced recently. Obviously my mom approved that the husband was an evil guy because he divorced (which he is not a bad man I know him), unfortunately I consider these punishment to myself somewhat justify, as the things I was punished for were not good. I was also yelled on by my mom a lot. And as a result at least 3 times in my life I have been yelled on by teachers and it made me cry. The last time it happened I was 22 years old. And even till now I feel a shame and feel weak for having cried. And I am afraid of that teacher you yelled at me, (i know he as anger problem etc) I had a tendency to cry if I got hit by people to much, this made me felt like a weak man also. It's difficult for me to see anarchy as a good thing. I wonder if the world can work without a leader. And can people really be great without punishment. These concepts are hard to accept for me. But if I can think critically, maybe I will approve of anarchy. If I had kid I might actually want to hit them out of anger. So it is a good thing I don't want kids in a way. I fear kids, I fear kids not obeying me, and feeling shame of them not obeying me. I am the kind of guy in a company that needs someone to tell him what to do, It is difficult for me to be assertive, but I made a lot of progress by practice. Oh and I want to a Now I don't know if this story help, One thing that helps me prove the theory of my counselors is. One thing that helps me prove the theory of my counselors is my older sister. 1.5 My Older Sister My sister is over 30 and still a virgin and on top of that never had a relationship and never dated and still lives at home with me and my mother. I am 25 years old but will leave next year at 26 years old. My sister has been having some women problems that might contribute to her not having kids if she waits longer. And my mom know this but she wants her to mary the kinds of men she . And my sis is still afraid to move out and on top of that she feels trapped by the obligation of the church and religion. She can't leave the church and the religion because she is afraid to lose all the friends including my mom's respect and my moms services which she depends on. She told my mom she wants to leave this church for a new church and my mom said that she doesn't want her to move out to a new church and my sister obeyed, that's 1 year ago. Recently my sis started to doubt religion but she is still a believer. She wishes she could travel but said she can't because of my mom debt and growing sickness. My sister wishes she could move out but is worried about my mom's health. My sister believes that she has an obligation to take care of my mother(just like the rule above), my sister feels very guilty to leave her. She is afraid of the consequences of leaving which are shame and abandonment of her family, I know the church and the family will judge her. My moms idea is that once my sister get married that my mom can live with my sister and her husband like a lot of people in my culture do. My sister disagree but did not present her disagreement with my mother. She told me thought. My sister did not want to buy a new car because she doesn't have the money finance. But she bought it because my mom needs it for the grocery and visits to the doctor. My sister told me she cannot refuse the request of my mom to get a new car. My sister is frustrated and unhappy she told me. I suggested see a counselor or therapist but no success. (For the therapist she can't because she is paying my mom's dept. and the rent. She is also afraid to see counselors because she is afraid to have nothing to say, I suppose it is guilt also. She did call one counselor once but then gave up She told me she will try again but first want to stay longer at home and get some more education for her career.. I used to hate my sister a lot. Because she always ordered me to do things for her that she can do herself, like going in the fridge to get stuff for her while she could. I hated her also because I felt guilty to disobey her because I had an obligation to obey my older siblings including her. I also hated her trying to be a second mom to me. She admitted this year that she dropped me on the floor when I was 1 or 2years old; she was 7-10 years old. She dropped me out of jealousy or something but she said she regret it and that she did not mean it. But I did lots of passive aggressive things too. My sister as a lot of weight problems, she loves to eat very sweat and salty stuff. She is self-conscious about her image, She is actually overweight, and unfortunately I can't like to her and feel the same as her so I can't help much on that part. 1.6 Religion At 7 years old I got converted to the protestant religion( I was told that everything I ask to god I will be given to me by god(a kid's dream)and that I can be protected from bad dreams and nightmares. And at 16 I got bored and stopped going to church at 18 years old and it caused a lot of hate and disagreement in all my family of around 15-25 people. I was a black a sheep. 1.7 My childhood and rejections I did not have the luxury to choose my style of fashion(but I thought all parents decided on that except for the lucky kids(the white kids)) so when I was 16 years old I hid my gothic clothing's in my school bag and redressed myself in the schools restroom school. At that period I had 2 personalities one at home and one at school. I also got into a lot of arguments with my parents and my sister. It always ended with them being right and me being ungrateful. Once confronted her about my style of fashion and whore my cloths in my house, I was 18., And she stripped me of my gothic accessories(not naked) So I went outside in the way she wanted me to dress and the next day I continued my game of concealing my fashion style. Now she doesn't prevent me to be what I want but at the same time I am not a gothic anymore. If I was a gothic of course it is bad because it represents Satan somewhat in her views. I dress my way now but she says it's wrong. She jokes about it and that I look like a beggar I laugh it with her of course. If I have bad fashion taste she tells me but I do what I want. The older I get the more I dress like in her ideology. Its seems. But it's not in my control. I wonder what happened. Maybe I just grew up and changed my style I suppose? Or I switched from pleasing my mother to pleasing women I am sexually attracted to. But mentally thought I evolved. So obviously there is no negotiation at home except for food. I could never sleep over at my friends or visit my friends except if they were black or that she knew the parents and that the parents were religious. My mom always believed what the news said. She believed that if I went to friend's house I can get abused, sexually abused or kidnapped. My friends at school (mostly white) thought it was weird. But that changed. And at age 20 I disobeyed and went to a party and slept over She got mad and I did it. 3 more times, my sister was against me also (against her own will). And then she my mom got less angry but always found ways to make me feel guilty for going to party and bars. For example if I come late home, the neighbours will judge we and we may lose our apartment because of you. That's her words. Just like me stopping to dress the way I loved I stopped partying or going to clubs and I wonder if it is me growing up or just the effect of what she wills. I know I hated having to argue all the time. My mother is a bit racist, hates gays and lesbians, hates non religion, hates man especially black men, seems to hate sex(seems like she never enjoyed it by a story she once told) Is always poor, as a lot of depts. And my sister pays most of her depts. And the depts. always come back it never ends. Her hope was for me and my sister to get careers. In her mind she had no choice to get in depts.(obviously she never learned about finance, my aunt did thought) and I help to pay sometimes too. Because me living in the house means I must help (like the rules above). In kindergarten apparently they wanted to transfer me to a special school because I never talked to nobody. My mom refused thought because she thought if I went to the special school I could become worst then what I was and I agree with her on that. (What she doesn't know is that it could be her fault). In elementary school I always had bad grades and always passed with the lowest grades possible, except for gym class and art class. My peers and friends loved my drawing skills. Once I had to go camping with the school, my mom refused to let me go. but the stubborn teachers knocked on the door and took me by force (the teacher did well because I loved that trip so much, it taught me a lot because now I love nature) my mom worries a lot of me getting killed or dying or getting kidnapped. In high school I had very bad grades except for the 3 last years. I could excel in art class, especially drama class and gym. But I was very depressed. I thought I was depressed because I could get no girls. I got bullied by a lot of people; I always let them bully me(it's almost like I was replicating my parents relationship without knowing it I guess). And being yelled at made me cry. I always had to work harder than others to pass in school. There was a lot of pressure to succeed in school because school is the only path to success and happiness (my parents did not get the opportunity of school) MY parents encourage school over pleasure, career over pleasure. So they discouraged me from activities like, except for ballroom style dances (because it in our culture) and ballet was gay so I could not do that. And of course in college I wanted to get girls even more but could not get them and school work was even more difficult, had to drink coffee every day and eat bad foods. At 22 years I went into a big big big depression, I had an anxiety attack during my sleep, Because I putted a lot of pressure in myself like getting a good career to help my poor mom and dad, Like helping my mom's family who lives in a poor country, like getting girls to have sex with me, to love me. To have a beautiful body, To be able to make my teacher appreciate me. And I exploded. My mom helped me and accepted that I take school slow. Only when I exploded did I get the right to get a break. That made me realise how a lot of business do the same, they work hard until they get a burnout. And they are praised for the burnout! I told myself never again. I started looking in communities like the Idle foundation and the whywork. Communities who wants to abolish the 40 hour work week etc. My mom even proposed that I take an easier major and of course a major of her choice. 1.8 Is my mom aware of what she is doing? But at the same time, is it her fault? She is born pretty much into religion, religion teaches bad things, She had bad influences (her cousin and single friends) and strict parents. She did not do much school beside maybe 1 or 2 years of adult high school maybe. This mean she doesn't know much about the law and about psychology or philosophy and she have difficulty speaking complex ideas in French. She doesn't believe in therapy only church. Church is the cure for everything for her. She thinks she can eat what she wants but god will cure her. She believes that if a kid is evil its not the parents fault. Probably the devil. Her philosophy is that a Parent is always right and the kid is always wrong. So each kid we know that did something bad it was always and is always the kids fault. Recently I challenged her on that subject but no negotiation was possible I had to be jokey about it. She was okey with manipulating man for services like help for groceries and work on the house and money, etc. As a result I am finishing college now in 5 years instead of 3years. So I have been in college for 7 years and it is only this year that I am getting a diploma, not a bachelor’s degree but a cegep diploma, it’s like an associate’s degree for Americans. And I was always having a hard time at school since I was young. I loved to dance but never got encouraged. They hated the field I took and only liked it when they saw I was somewhat good.at it I had to drink a lot of coffee every day to motivate myself to work in school, Always forcing myself to work. Always giving myself ridiculous standards of quality which I never reached. And I never reached them because I did not realise I was broken. I was told that maybe I am a.d.d. or a.d.h.d. My sister is very depressed and is mad at her 2. Guilt I am feeling guilt as whether I will help my mom when in old age. The thing is I don’t think I will be doing a high income career. I feel guilty of living on my own and letting my sister suffer longer supporting my mother. I feel guilty of leaving and I am afraid of the day that I will be considered an ingrate and selfish because I will be paying rent for myself instead of helping my family which is in the culture of my mom’s country. In her country kids stay with their mom and dad for a long time and help the parents in old age. Once she said that, kids are ingrate, they leave the house and create their own life and never come back and she said at least I have my daughter (my sister) to count on. What she doesn’t know is my sister is very angry and mad she just never expressed it to her. 3. My Love life I am a 25 years old virgin, and had only 2 relationships who lasted 2 weeks each until breakups. I had a lot of dates but now I realised I choose the wrong type of girls probably. And I was very shallow (((my mom and sister are very shallow too. Men must be good looking, have great career and get married and buy the women a lot of material things and pay the bills. He must be religious. Dressed clean and sharp like a normal citizen. And Women must have breasts, she can’t be skinny, she must be smart and independent. They love to judge a woman is pretty or not pretty etc.))) So I used to be very looks oriented. Now I need looks but only what I think looks good, not what the media think is good. And I need more than the looks. And now with philosophy and the Mgtow movement I am even more precise In what I want in a women. I do not want kids, I do not want to get married, I don’t know if I want a girl living at my place or not. I’d like to have sex with a virgin like me, buts going to be hard to find. If she is not a virgin its fine also. I am sometime thinking of getting a vasectomy. Because if the girl gets pregnant I will be clear with her that I don’t want to take care of the child. No child for me before 40 years old for sure. Sometime I thought of becoming a single dad lol. I don’t use pick up artistry anymore, for a while I would talk only to girls in activities that I practiced. I don’t go out too much with people I go out alone more often. Now I don’t approach at all, I only do my hobbies but I love to look at girls for their body and how sexy they are. But I do have conversation with women just for conversation sakes. But it’s hard for me to just be friends. I tend to love every girl who is kind and nice to me, almost like if I was trying to fill a hole in me So I stopped. I realised maybe I need to start serious therapy. I realised that being attracted to me (girls attracted to me) is not easy because I have ideas and views that are very different than most people and on top of that I tend to be reserved and not to talk too much except if I find similar views. Most days I can be happy single but some days I can’t avoid the feeling of loneliness and not being physically or intellectually a womens choice. Maybe it’s because I am living from my parent’s money and because I don’t have a career yet. Even though I see boys who live with their mom have girlfriend(maybe it’s because their family is more functional I don’t know) But At the same time I dodge a bullet, no unwanted pregnancy and no stds no aids. 4.Confusion I am very very very very confuse as whether she is good or bad, as she did not learn what is good parenting because every of her friends believe that this is the way also, actually some of her friends are way way way way worse. 5. Carreer goals I want to work a normal full time job 40hours a week a job that is very easy so that in the next 10 years I can dance and practice circus full time as a hobby.I don't want to be a freelance illustrator because that would take a lot of time of dancing. And working instudio would require I practice for another 1 year and would also take to much time of me dancing. After 10 year I was considering either something in dance or geography or coming back to illustration or doing graphic design. Subject like philosophy interest me but I don't think I want to be a professor. The thing is I spent 7 years of hard work not doing the things I love and sacrificing both my physical and mental health for a career that I probly wont be working in, at least for a long while, And I have 22 000$ in depts I must pay back in maximum 10 years. Dancing and circus will cost me 4000$ a year this includes dancing 4-5days a week with physical therapy and massage included. I had a lot of difficulty in jobs, had a lot of crazy boss, and boss who hated me for not beign social and also because I dont work fast an off and make to many mistake(forget stuff) The last job I had and the current job I had were both minimum wage but they like my work. It does suck I guess tobe 25 on minimum wage. but eh i can change that. I did a 3 month unpaid internship in my field already also. And I did not like the job. and this type of carreer would require me to sacrifice 1-2 more years when I already sacrificed 7 years. And I am moving out next year. Only reason I am home now is I wanted to have an education and a skill. and I wanted to do what everyone said was right which is get a degree or a diploma. And it would have been difficult for me to get an education out of home. Now at least I have an off skills for either getting a bachelors degree on my own or just go in the job market. My friend told me I should save 4000$ before living but I dont know if I can save that much while living were I am. Im actualy pretending to be ok were I live just so I could finish my education and save money.And at the end of the day, maybe I should have left at 18. Maybe the reason why school and work was hard was because I was home. Instead me I was thinking if i dont cook and pay cheap rent, it means I can succeed better. 6. Conclusion Now I feel more confident, I confront people arguments sometimes, I love some quality of my self, Now that I will graduate from my diploma(which I am not interested in pursing anymore) I can focus on my hobbies. I love my hobby. My counselour told me that I am a different men then 5years ago, I progressed so much, And as much as it is difficult for me to accept compliments I accept this. Things I accept that I am good at are Know how to figure out myself well Good at making structures even if I am a disorganised person Can express complex ideas( I think) I have been told that I am smart or wise( Im to modest to accept this one) I am good in arts and illustration( not to my standards but I accept it) Good dancer(natural skill) Good physical habilities(natural skills) Open minded Genious in art( hard to accept) Good leader in a team( hard to believe) WOW that was long. And that's only 60% Hopefully this can help assess the question on the top and I am open to comments in brief now my problems are, I need to be able to see thats wrong, I am so brainwashed. Because I always thought I was in the minority of not normal people but actually everyone is the same? And I am always under the impression that if everyone does it, its good. I am confuse about autority but I know that I want equality!! But I am not sure if in the capitalist system of the west if I can demand to be equal to my boss. Can I really be equal to my mom. I dont event know how to solve issues other than with violence. Once a girl was bothering me at work and I could do nothing at it than getting mad or quitting the job if she continued. Feel the first thing I want to do now is move far away So that I can develop the skills I need. I realise I am somewhat like my mom, I dont want to date or get married. And like my dad I try to work too much and forger pleasure, always trying to get stability. My dad knows how to negotiate thought because I seem him negotiate when he works in his business. Anyway Hope you can help me a bit. U dont have to read everything, read the parts you think can help me.

A new video on perfectionism: What is perfectionism? How and why do people develop perfectionistic traits? Why is having perfectionistic traits problematic?

Thoughts, anyone?