That black void of nothingness... And the lantern of hope.

[Yeravos]

I thought I'd share some thoughts I have had these last days. Perhaps there are others out there that feel, may feel, or have felt the way I am feeling now. Just want to let you know, if that person is you: There is hope. And I think you know it, deep down.

 

Last thursday, I went out to jog in the spring sun for a while. After about 15 minutes into my run, I sort of had a series of revelations hitting me.

I realized that most of the things I am doing in my life at the moment, are not things I want to be doing. Instead of doing things I want to do, or not do anything at all. I felt like I wanted a total do-over with my life (the parts I had power over, not my childhood). Like, fake my death, have a fresh start. Not know the people in my life, so I could get away from all the responsabilities I have, without having angry glances shot at me, without people talking behind my back as the guy who dropped it all and made it uncomfortable for others.

 

Now that I just wrote that, I got this thought that maybe I am mistaking my now adult relationships with my childhood ones. That perhaps, I won't be attacked for quitting the things I don't want to do.

Even if I get attacked, so what?, is another thought. Most of the people I know that theoretically would attack me are not people I like that much anyway. I find our interactions dull, lifeless, shallow.

 

What I have gotten from the relationships I have today at college is 98% of what I thought I wanted when I was a child, when I was a prisoner in school: Recognition for ability, respect because of my position, social status. Things that I now think I realize aren't virtous, aren't important. That what I am doing is what most other people do around me: Hide from the past, or adhere to it, revere it.

 

I only got one shot. One life. One pinball. And I have to make what's best of it, not wasting time with dead people, doing things I don't want to do.

 

Yesterday, I felt really terrible during the evening. I thought ''What is a life without conflicts? What does that feel like? I don't think I can imagine what that is like. I feel scared. I don't know what to do with my life. The world is a dark place. Everything feels empty, like a black void. Is there a meaning to anything?''

 

And then I thought: Maybe this is my soul, tugging at it's chains. Struggling to break free, fighting tooth and nail against the mindlessness, the black hole the people around me worship? Maybe I am seeing more clearly now, that I am again, seeing the world for the dark place it can be.

 

Or perhaps it's me self-attacking in some way, because I am going to give up the things I don't like doing, and that my inner-critic sees this as laziness? I am not sure. Maybe that's what I have been doing, mimicing my father by taking on several projects at once, saying that we love being busy, while I know that both him and I are trembling beneath the stress, hating it because the people around us do so little in comparison, which I have seen make my father turn bitter. And lately, I have felt bitterness for that same reason too. And all of this gets us what? Recieve the shallow gratitude of others, for being ''the guy that works really hard!'' or ''that man that get's things done!''. ''You work so hard! That's really impressive of you!''

 

And if that's the case, is my father also trying to hide from attacks from his inner-critic, for not doing things? For the fear of being called lazy?

 

I still feel this emptiness inside. That all the things that I used to enjoy, or thought I enjoyed, were nothing but escapes from my past pain. That the only thing they did was to please my inner-critic, to do what I was supposed to do: Become my father. Be that hardworking, no resting kind of guy! Take on the burdens of others, because dammit, someone has got to sacrifice themselves on that altar, and that someone must be me! It is my purpose! It's what I deserve! I may not rest! And really savor the bitterness that follows, because other people arn't up to pair, and life isn't supposed to be fun! It's about sacrifice.

 

At least, that's my hypothesis, as to why I feel the way I feel.

 

But, underneath this emptiness, I can feel a sliver of hope. That lantern of self-knowledge I lit more than a year ago isn't dead. I take all these feelings and thoughts as evidence that I am on the path to something big regarding myself. That my feelings are trying to tell me something, that they are trying to steer me somewhere. So, all I can do now, is really try and listen to myself, and dig even deeper than before. To strike that vein of self-knowledge gold.To break out of the patterns of childhood.

 

I can actually see bars infront of my inner eye of sorts. It's hard to explain. But, I am standing behind bars, finally, really, with my whole being, realizing that I am behind bars. Rays of sunlight find their way through the gaps in my prison cell, dazzling me. And I know I want out. I just don't know how.

 

At least I know I am in a prison now.

[Subsidiarity]

Thank you.

[cynicist]

Beautiful

 

I realized that most of the things I am doing in my life at the moment, are not things I want to be doing. Instead of doing things I want to do, or not do anything at all. I felt like I wanted a total do-over with my life (the parts I had power over, not my childhood). Like, fake my death, have a fresh start. Not know the people in my life, so I could get away from all the responsabilities I have, without having angry glances shot at me, without people talking behind my back as the guy who dropped it all and made it uncomfortable for others.

 

Fuck yeah! I was also raised in such a way (controlled/micromanaged) that I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm free to do anything I want, that I don't have to please others... and those thoughts amaze me. I get this strong sense of happiness and wonder when I think about how I can do absolutely anything and nothing if I want. That other people's opinions don't fundamentally matter. That's how foreign those things were to me when I was younger...