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cherapple

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  1. cherapple
    Stef has said the opposite: People who have had better childhoods often take their accidental birth circumstances as a sign of personal virtue. They will be less likely to threaten their view of themselves as "better" when they were merely born to better circumstances. Since they haven't experienced abuse, they can't handle seeing the symptoms of trauma in others. I would argue that the classification of their childhoods as "better" is an illusion. Part of "better" would include being taught to sympathize with the less fortunate. Their lack of sympathy betrays the lack of depth in the way they were parented. Their blindness to the truth of abuse betrays their blindness to their own experiences.
  2. cherapple
    Perfect, Millie, Thanks!
  3. cherapple
    These are wonderful. I've missed some of them on Facebook. I'd like to see these collected somewhere, like in an FDR memes page here on the website, or on Facebook.
  4. cherapple
    It's horrifying what your parents did to you. I'm so sorry. You can't unknow the language of violence, but you can know it more. You can work to understand it fully, and what it did to you. You write about it beautifully. There's the terrible place of violence, and there's the terrible place of dissociation -- the limbo between knowing and unknowing. You were in the first terrible place as a child. You were in the second terrible place when you were re-enacting what your parents did to you. Now you're in the place of knowing. Congratulations on taking the huge step toward truth and understanding. Knowing may feel like another terrible place at first (at least it did for me for a long time), but it's where you find the power to stop the repetition and make conscious choices based upon your own real desires and preferences. Thank you for writing what must have been so difficult to share.
  5. cherapple
    I have a couple theories: 1. Isolation: People who are isolated in childhood spend a lot of time in their heads -- watching people, reading books, and trying to make sense of the crazy people around them. Philosophy continues that pattern naturally. 2. Secondary benefits: People who received fewer secondary benefits (money, cars, college paid for, surface or pretend emotional connection, status as "the good child," etc.) from their families have more to gain with self-knowledge than they have to lose by maintaining the status quo with their families. I don't think Daniel Mackler is necessarily right. My ACE score is a 7 and I took to FDR like a drowning woman from the moment I found it, I think at least partly due to the reasons I list above.
  6. cherapple
    Thanks for the reminder to pick a size and color, and send my PM!
  7. cherapple
    That is true, but no one chooses to learn to defend themselves in such a manner. Defenses are born of necessity. The challenge as an adult is to learn to put one's defenses down, without attacking oneself for having picked them up.
  8. cherapple
    That definition assumes that social anxiety is self-inflicted. Social anxiety comes from being prevented from using your own judgment as a child, because if you were allowed to do so, it would be a threat to those around you. The source of the anxiety comes from others, not from you. That said, I'm now going to say what may appear to be a contradiction: My social anxiety as an adult greatly reduced when I realized that I was doing exactly what I feared from others: Silently attacking them in my head. I feared it from others because I was doing it myself, and I wasn't conscious that I was doing it. Once I became curious about what was actually going on for both me and others, I learned that the truth was much less frightening than the unconscious and the imagined -- once I put myself in the company of good people. The truth, even if it's hurtful, is always grounding.
  9. cherapple
    I've also been wowed by your letter, Polly, as a woman of similar age, whose relationship (marriage with kids, in my case ) also didn't survive my commitment and work toward self-knowledge. I married a "family man," hoping that meant I'd find an example of a good family in his, but it ultimately meant that he wouldn't threaten his identity as the "good son" by looking at his own childhood. Stef is right when he says we unconsciously choose the perfect partner. I wanted one who wouldn't be interested in my "shameful" childhood, and I got exactly that. I can identify with a lot of what you've written. "Playing house with the dead" and wondering "where was Freedomain Radio?" when I was looking in therapy, medication, academic philosophy, psychology, literature, books, and marriage and kids -- for so long for someone or something to help me. No therapist (until I learned to look for one) ever said that my anger at my family was justified and that it might help to distance myself physically (the emotional distance was always there) and find out who I was both with and without my family's definition of me. I admire your courage and I'm highly impressed with the things you've been doing and posting. I'm really sorry that it's been so difficult and painful, but I thank you for sharing yourself so deeply.
  10. cherapple
    This quote sums it up: "What the fuck are you supposed to talk about? [This horrible thing happened to me. The evidence is right here,] and I'm not allowed to talk about it. It's not social anxiety. It's simply being too stuffed with horror and secrets to be able to make any small talk." From #2691 Asshole Proximity Disorder http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_2691_Wednesday_Show_7_May_2014.mp3
  11. cherapple
    Read Daniel Mackler's new book, "Breaking From Your Parents." He talks about his own difficulties with finding good therapists, what to look for in a therapist, and how he healed through self-therapy and journaling. http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Your-Parents-Setting-Precedent-ebook/dp/B00I5RZR3A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395706762&sr=8-1&keywords=daniel+mackler
  12. cherapple
    I would like to add that avoiding the truth of what someone did to you – forgiving as forgetting – results in forgetting yourself ("dying") for the benefit of someone else. To live and be oneself, and to experience a joyful and true relationship with oneself and others – is a hunger.
  13. cherapple
    Welcome from Schenectady! I've met local people who know of FDR at the Capital Region Bitcoin meetup, if you'd like to join us.
  14. cherapple
    He may not have been talking specifically about social anxiety. But yeah, when you want something, you feel anxiety about not getting it. This could relate to social anxiety because you want to connect to people, but they make no effort – or the opposite of effort (rejection and attack) – to connect to you. "Looking at anxiety as inner conflict" reminds me of the podcast "You are not conflicted," which brings me back to the theory that social anxiety occurs when people inflict their feelings or preferences on you, and they want you to think the problem is yours. http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1596_you_are_not_conflicted_convo.mp3 (How do you embed podcasts?) I'm sorry to hear that you experience your frustrations when interacting with women, Kevin. Have you considered that the anxiety you feel may be theirs, or even partly theirs? Perhaps you are meeting women who don't want you to be yourself? I can relate to having automatic-fogging responses to people and social situations. I'm understanding more lately that the type of people I'm around makes all the difference. I grew up around people I did not like, so I learned to manage feelings of dislike, believing the problem was mine. Of course, that would cause "social anxiety," trying to pretend I liked people that consciously or unconsciously I didn't. Putting myself in the company of people I actually like makes all the difference!
  15. cherapple
    A good way to begin is to define, or redefine, social anxiety. Let's collect some quotes from these podcasts. I'll begin by paraphrasing what I've learned from them. It has been helpful for me to understand that the fear I feel may not belong to, or originate from, me. Social anxiety is a strong sensitivity to the fear that others feel, and don't want to understand that they feel, in the presence of your genuineness. When people reject their feelings, you feel them twice as strong.
  16. cherapple
    I'm going to talk about the OP as if he's gone because he said goodbye, but if you look at the original post from a mecosystem standpoint, there is a part of ashesmi that feels worn out and is asking to be heard. Perhaps he wants to be heard by Stef, or those of us on the boards – if so, he's using a dishonest way to achieve it – but using willpower to act against a part that wants to give up doesn't work. Perhaps withdrawing is exactly what he needs, so that he can focus on hearing himself. From that comes the energy.
  17. cherapple
    Thanks, Audrey. I'm three hours away, but perhaps I'll make a day trip sometime.
  18. cherapple
    I'm so sorry you're experiencing this with your sister, Brian. Her responses literally turn my stomach, from her first word, so I can only imagine how you feel. I can identify with feeling literal-shaking terror at the thought of interacting honestly with family. Bravo for taking the action and re-experiencing the pain. It's apparent how difficult it was for you. What was or is your goal with the conversation? What do you hope to achieve for yourself?
  19. cherapple
    There is no moral absolute; there is only increased possibility for morality. The less we have to worry about survival, the more we are able to make moral choices, and since survival is less an issue today than at any time in history, we are more morally culpable for our choices than at any time in history. It's not that individual choices are absolutely "right" or "wrong." It's that holding people responsible for their choices, where choice is possible, is the definition and principle of morality.
  20. cherapple
    How so?
  21. cherapple
    Installed and it works. I didn't have to refresh. I love it.
  22. cherapple
    Are you asking about unchosen obligation? Which by definition is not moral because it erases the chooser. Personality is grounded in choice. In the past, people had much less choice, and where there is no choice, actions are neither moral, nor immoral, but simply a matter of survival. Your question makes morality relative to the circumstances of history, which it is, but only while you're in that history. We can only live in the moral circumstances relative to the present, and today we have infinitely more capacity for choice, and therefore infinitely more moral capacity.
  23. cherapple
    That happened to me quite a bit in the beginning, too. After a while, you learn who to engage in philosophical conversation, and who not to. You find several friends with whom you can discuss ideas that are of interest to you, whom you can trust not to attack you, and who want to hear more from you. Quality, for me, is more satisfying than quantity. Talking for one or three hours with one person is better than debating with twenty. I can identify with feeling frustrated about people's reactions. Do you think it's the truth itself that's overwhelming you – you want the truth – or the defenses that most people have against it? Defensive people want to overwhelm you because it gets you to stop saying whatever is overwhelming for *them* to hear. In other words, is it *your* overwhelm that you feel, or theirs?
  24. cherapple
    That was my painful experience of journaling, as well as therapy, reading, and all my attempts at self-knowledge before philosophy – and not the stuff I studied in college – helped me stop spinning my wheels and finally gain traction. DaVinci, do you journal and are you working on self-knowledge? Usually when you are stuck, it means there's something unconscious is going on. The same is true for helplessness. It is rooted in history, when we were children and we really were helpless. What was your experience of feeling overwhelm and of talking to people, or trying to be heard, while you were growing up? Does it feel like it's being recreated or repeated in any way in the present?
  25. cherapple
    Thank you. I would use a Chrome extension.
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