cherapple

The answer is to refuse to bully yourself. Channel the angry energy from a lifetime of being bullied into yourself. Not to get angry at yourself, but to invest in yourself and separate yourself from the bullies. Draw protective boundaries, becoming clear about what kind of person you are and what kind of person they are. Begin to separate their craziness from your sanity. Get away from crazy people whenever you can, or at least understand the level to which they will go in order to harm you. This is a process that takes time. Ask yourself questions: Does a belief that I am crazy benefit me, or does it benefit the bullies? Follow the benefit any time you feel an emotion or have a belief about yourself, and that will be the best signal about where the emotion or thought is coming from—you or them—and whether someone else wants to help you or harm you. You were born to learn to take care of yourself, and that is the greatest evil of what bullies steal from you. They cripple your ability for self-care. Don't let anyone tell you that you're crazy. Assume that you are sane and that your emotions are doing the best they can to help you within a crazy environment. One of the greatest signs of sanity is whether someone seeks self-awareness, or seeks to avoid it; and whether someone wants to help others gain awareness, or whether they act to cripple it. Over time, as you seek greater self-awareness and refuse to bully yourself, you'll repel bullies from you and attract more people who treat you well. It may seem at times like there are no such people to be found, but the more you work to become one of them, the more you will be surprised (at first) to find them.

What was the fear behind the shouting? What were you afraid would happen if your son didn't sit down to dinner with you? What was angering, frightening, or even panic inducing about the fact that he didn't want to? I always follow the principle of starting with myself, knowing and changing myself, so that I can better stop trying to change my children in attempt to comfort myself. Your history is horrendous, and yelling is an expression of panic, in my experience. If you are just beginning to examine your history, I can only imagine the childhood parts in you that still scream to be heard. It's up to you, if you want to hear them now. It was your parents' responsibility to hear you, and they did worse than not listen. When you don't hear yourself, you repeat your parents' behavior against yourself, and worst of all against your children. It's not your children's responsibility to hear you. It's your responsibility to hear them. When you follow the signals of the children—including your child self and your wife's child self (if she will go there with you, and it sounds like she will)—they will tell you what they need from you. Your son wanted time to himself. Why? Why were you afraid to give it? Curiosity and gentleness are the key to behavior change.

I don't get the sense this person is pro child. He's basically calling them stupid and irresponsible, and there's a tinge of resentment to his responses. Is this person a parent?

Who said applying philosophy to your life was supposed to be easy? It's definitely easier in the company of others who are doing it, too. Welcome!

Why are you not ready to deFOO? Financial? Emotional? Not that you have to. Just wondering why you say that.

I finally got all the right boxes checked and unchecked. Thanks, STer! And James.

I'm not sure about the screenshot, but I'm using Windows 7 and Chrome.

When I click "view new content," I am not getting the latest content. I either get a blank page, or few posts may sometimes be listed, but definitely not everything that has been posted on a given day.

I'd like to add my own experience, as a female. Very young children can indeed have sexual feelings. I was about six when my parents took me with them to see a violent porn film at the drive-in. They treated me like a dog who would have no thoughts or feelings about what I was watching. My body responded to the sounds and images, and I had no idea what was happening to me—how, why, or what it meant. Of course, I thought it meant something awful was wrong with me. My parents told me to "go lay down and go to sleep." The terror was almost unbearable, and the only thing I could do was suppress the whole experience. I'm only beginning to come to terms with the mind, body, and soul F'ery that my parents' sexual choices throughout my childhood did to me. I'm so sorry for anyone who suffers the horrible and confusing consequences of having parents who inflicted upon them their dysfunctional and sociopathic sexual behaviors. It is such a difficult thing to get clear on—enshrouded in so much shame, humiliation, and secrecy. The answer is to take the shame and give it back to them. It is not ours and never was.

How does the mother treat the boys? What is her reaction when they fight? What was her relationship like with the father and where is he now? I would look to the parents for the source of the conflict. Children repeat what they experience. If they act aggressively toward others and their mother, it's because they have experienced it from her and/or their father. I notice that you focus almost exclusively on the children, and say very little about their mother. The children are not the root of the problem, and any solution always lies with, and is the responsibility of, the adults. Can you talk about this with the mother? Is she willing to work with you? What does she say about the cause for her children's behavior? It sounds like a big responsibility to take on, problems that you didn't create, and you are perhaps having second thoughts? Do a search on "siblings" under podcasts and you will find several.

Like finding water in the desert! Then finding the water that was there all along, within myself. I have felt happiness like I've never known before, yes.

I discovered Kal Molinet after Jeff Maxim (Skeptical Youth) interviewed him. What struck me most were his clarity and success in talking about anarchy with those around him, and his smile. He seems to have "happy anarchist" down. By his telling, even with his mother. I'm skeptical, but intrigued. I subbed to his videos. I wouldn't mind hearing a chat between Kal and Stef.

I have not read Ursula LeGuin in a long time, but I remember feeling incredible pain (part of the reason I stopped reading her, and to a large extent, books in general) at the worlds, relationships, and possibilities that she depicted, and the fact that I "couldn't" experience them myself, in this life. I tried reading The Dispossessed, but couldn't (there's that word again) relax into it at the time. For a very long time, books, stories, and authors seemed like the only places and people that I could find that understood me, or showed any interest, commonality, or understanding of my experiences at all. Obvously, they couldn't show me or offer me any of these things directly because they were "things," rather than people with whom I could interact directly. Le Guin stands out very strongly as an author who got what the possibilities were, and consequently made it so painfully clear what the realities were.

The free market runs on negotiation, which is learned in childhood, by being peacefully parented. The more children grow up knowing how to negotiate, the less people will respect or give any legitimacy to the violent thugs who take what they want, rather than negotiate and offer value freely. The root is in parenting.

Homeschooling is not allowed by most parents, so the fact that it's legal according to the state is irrelevant for most children.

Of course it wasn't the state that made me unable to express myself. It was my family and the people around me rejecting me every time I tried, and preferring that I didn't try. I didn't alienate and discard my family. They alienated and discarded me, and realizing that was the gift of morality, not the cost. They pay the cost of not having a relationship with me, or themselves, but I'm no longer paying the cost of not having a relationship with myself.

Stef starts with personal relationships, not with morality, which is one tool for finding and building meaningful relationships. I would say self-expression is where I've felt least free in my life. Yes, I'd like to not have an astronomical amount of my money and time stolen from me, but being able to express my deepest thoughts and feelings, and talk about my most cherished interests, with the people around me who claim to love me is the freedom that is most important to me. I wouldn't say I'm prevented from that anymore, though, now that I've staked my claim on my emotional, intellectual, and physical life. I don't care what anyone in government does, but I do care what those I am closest to do. They have way more power to respect or disrespect my freedom than a stranger from an institution.

What if you went with your gut? Use what you learned in your experience with this therapist to search for someone else. To begin: Make sure they are willing to answer your questions first, in a free first session or phone call. Make sure they allow you to state your goals, and that they are willing to adapt to you first and foremost, not you to them. Ask about their history—you are free to ask anything you that's important to you—and look for a lack of defensiveness and signs of that they've achieved personal growth. She says her procedures are "for your security," but you feel the opposite of secure. It can be very difficult to judge where the insecurity is coming from when you've grown up in an abusive environment and feeling insecure is as familiar as breathing. Instead of focusing on yourself, look for signs of insecurity in the therapist. Defensiveness, inflexibility, and lack of curiosity are all signs that they are managing their own insecurity, which means they will not be able to help you with yours.

Why are you focused on your father's abuse, his childhood, and his problems? What is it that you would like him to understand, and why do you need him to understand it? Have you tried to talk to him about your own childhood experiences? There's nothing wrong with asking him about his experiences, but It seems like you are hoping for some kind of relief by changing or correcting your father's understand of himself and the world. If he admitted tomorrow that there is no god, what would that fix for you? You can only change yourself. It is up to him to change himself, if he wants to. The evidence (just from what you've written) is that he doesn't want to. What is the feeling that comes up for you—if you want to share it—at the thought of him preferring to remain irrational?

To admit you hold a conclusion is not the depth of honesty. Why do you think of women as "chicks"? You may already be exploring this—I'm not saying you're not, and it's great if you are—but in-depth exploration of your conclusions about women might lead you to gain some real traction in finding a women who isn't just a "chick." Perhaps I'm speaking the obvious, and I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but sometimes the obvious is the most difficult to see.

Precision has been very helpful for me. You say: "I have always had trouble standing up for myself." Correction: You tried to stand up for yourself as a very young child, and you were attacked. It benefitted your parents for you to believe that you were weak. "I have a very hard time even telling people when I am having experiences in which I am being victimized in some way."[/font] Correction: Your parents didn't let you tell them. They didn't listen, and they showed you no curiosity, empathy, or sympathy. They did not teach you the skills of self-expression or negotiation. They taught you the skill of self-erasure. The very people who were supposed to help you hurt you. "They did the best they could." Correction: That is their story. It was not your experience. As you point out, if they were doing the best they could, they would allow the same to you. I think you're understanding these things, but the more precise you are with the language, the more quickly your understanding of yourself and the effects of your childhood upon you will grow. I'm happy to hear the podcasts have helped you so much. Oh, and it never hurts to read about Simon the Boxer again. Cheryl

Ten Ways to Be Your Own Therapist, by Daniel Mackler

I am so sorry to read about your childhood experiences. It's absolutely terrible the way your parents have treated you, and part of that treatment is inflicting guilt on you for their actions. You are not guilty for your honest emotional reaction to their abusive treatment. It was never your responsibility to love your parents. It was and always has been their responsibility to act in loveable ways toward you. If they didn't, it is perfectly reasonable, sane, and right that you would not have positive feelings toward them. You don't owe them positive feelings, appreciation or love. They owed that to you.

The benefits of anger are for you. If other people want to know about them, they will ask you with genuine curiosity. Instead, they attempt to misdirect your anger away from your abusers, reinflicting it back on you. You don't need to prove anything to such people. They know exactly the benefits of anger. The only proof you need is that they are working so hard to deflect you from them.

Thank you [Y]. It takes courage to speak about the fear of speaking, rather than acting it out in written form on the boards, with judgments that the one who speaks is immoral.