Ruben Zandstra

Same here. Network television is terrible. Rare occasions excepted, in which case the show can be viewed on the web next day. Our children ( 4, 6 ,and 9 ) have seen next to no network television throughout their lives. It's quite interesting to watch them observe the rare commercial they get to see: there's a lot of puzzlement. All content we watch on television is downloaded from the web / newsgroups ( SABnzbd) and streamed from a network share. Right now the android tablet is hot with the smallest ones, where they can choose from a variety of game-apps and cartoon-selections. We do limit time. Television stays off before 5 pm. Computers / tablets / phones can be used for educational/practical purposes at all times, but not for gaming etc. Works pretty well so far, and the limits apply to all family members.

In order for you and a girl you like to become really intimate, you should be very much interested in each other from the beginning, and even more than ordinary friends by your own definition, be talking about anything like crazy, especially emotional and personal issues. In other words, a promising new lady friend you are romantically involved with, should probably not be asking you to be introduced to your friends. She would have been studying you quite a bit on beforehand, and be well aware that you don't have what you consider to be friends. Perhaps she will not have many herself, or at least share some of your feelings and ambivalences around friendship.

I've told my children why I don't see my dad anymore, the plain truth, in an age appropriate way. There is the aspect of granddaddy being really nice to his children's children of course, which is especially wry if he's been treating you like crap most of your life. I've explained to them that to me he was quite different when I was their age, which makes it hard for me to deal with him now, because essentially he has not changed towards me. So when my children have a friend that I really like a lot and who has been around plenty of times in our house to the point where he has become a friend of the family, if they themselves stop liking him for whatever reason, it is their decision if their friend no longer get's invited to our house. It wouldn't be right if my preferences to keep inviting him would outweigh theirs, they would feel really shitty if a friend they have major quarrels with would be warmly received in their own house by other family members. In a similar way, I am the one whose preferences towards being with my Dad should be of the most weight. This principle was accepted after some thought. We've had various conversations like this, and though it is evident that there is a certain amount of genuine grief, loss, and being sad for granddad, I think the matter is settled.

The fact that you are overwhelmed, conscious about the issue and working on it is the best thing that could happen to your son at this point. And yourself for that matter. It's fantastic. There's the issue of making choices and being prepared as well as possible when it comes to stressful moments. There's also the self-work. Are you in therapy, or is it an option for you? If not I would really advice you to go and make the investment. It's payed off a hundred times for me.

It might help to take some time and write those critical questions down, the ones that are overwhelming when you consider your options. By doing so things might get a more tangible shape instead of just being a complete waterfall as you mention, and the issue can be examined rationally. I think the practicalities you mention are mere details, what happens to her current debt is most likely going to be pretty inconsequential to you when you look back at it ten or twenty years from now. It would be decent of her to pay it back if she ever gets a chance. I wouldn't spend time waiting for it to happen. That time would be another thing taken away from you. She has pretty much defaulted on you, in multiple ways, is what I get from what you are saying. What kind of fundamental resolution you make about your arrangements might be more important from a future standpoint.

Hi Nigel, There's a false dichotomy lurking there I think. The choice you present yourself with seems to be that you will either have to keep on carrying your sisters burdens indefinitely, or that you will become like your father. That's not particularly fair towards yourself. You will not be abandoning her by telling her to leave. Quite the contrary, you'll be urging her to get a life of her own. And if she knows how lucky she is to have a brother like you then she will make sure to remain being close to you. Or do you think she might make a point of abandoning you when you ask her to leave? Chiwoojo's advice is great I think: If I were you I would certainly focus on your relationship with your sister with your therapist.

My impression of this interaction is that you might be feeling that at this point she was mainly just saying that which sounded best to her imagined client, which would then allow herself to imagine being of use. None of which has anything to do with anyone but herself. When you pointed out that you think she is wrong about parents, to her this meant that she made a mistake, had misjudged her audience, has not made you imagine that she is of use, and this unsettles her. She's made it clear that she would be happy to study any material you send her, study like she has been doing for a decade, and then go and prepare better things to say to you. Is this characterisation anywhere close?

Hi Nigel, Sounds like a nightmare scenario to me, I'm very sorry this is your situation. Is there any objective possibility for her to go back to your parents place, some other familymember, or somehow get a temporary roof over her head? This is an estimation you could make for yourself - and might want to check out on your own- if she is making you carry a double burden without being consciously troubled by that. Could you explain what you mean by "counter domination by abandonment"? I understand it would be extremely hard to just tell her to leave, period. But I don't understand how it would be an act of domination?

It's totally hypocritical. Journalists have not been reporting about child abuse in schools for decades, not when the public education they were so big on was put in place. In the same vein they are not seeing it going on right now ( the epidemical outsourcing and drugging of children). And even when they do report about it, they are ... downplaying the abuse. I am sorry this happened to you, Xelent.

It's just a thought, but could it be that you're grieving over the fact that your brother is - to some degree- abandoning you by becoming a father?

Great video. Were you reprimanded as a child for not being on time at all? I got verbally attacked by my Dad each and every time I made him wait. Scary and totally hypocrite. So I'm kind of ambivalent about my punctuality. And also about getting angry when people show up late all the time. Over the years, some people I confronted with their being late repeatedly would sit me down and explain how they were simply more relaxed around themselves and other people, less demanding and critical, and how I should perhaps learn a thing or two. I've been taking that shit serious for many years.

Hi Trout, We started to rethink our parenting about four years ago, when our 3 children were about 4, 2 and 0 years old. Before that we didn't hit our children, but voluntaryism was not on our agenda consciously. It's hard coming up with things that have changed since and how long it took. It's mainly me and my wife that have changed I tend to think. In fact I think our lives have become more or less uneventfull in the realm of behavioural change you are aiming at: It's just that our lives have been relatively unharmed by the accumulating effects of parental force. To see short-term change, it's probably best to just look at families all over the place where spanking, neglect and humiliation is occurring. I think that's where children have to adopt emergency strategies, and where the dramatic changes take place. How about you?

69 Michio Kitahara, “Childhood in Japanese Culture.” The Journal of Psychohistory 17(1989): 44. 70 Kenneth Alan Adams and Lester Hill, Jr., “The Phallic Female in Japanese Group-Fantasy.” The Journal of Psychohistory 25(1997): 41. 71 Stanley Rosenman, “The Spawning Grounds of the Japanese Rapists of Nanking.” The Journal of Psychohistory 28(2000): 10. These are the sources that are mentioned in the footnotes of the particular chapter. The journals can still be ordered I think, and probably contain their own footnotes and sources. A first Google on the names of the authors gives me facebook and linked-in accounts. I'd be interested in your findings if you were to go and delve in by the way!

Imagine questioning this kind of insulting drivel as a child, facing 30 kids and a teacher. Not me thank you, M'am! I've been filling out nice and thoughtful answers to similar crap like crazy when I had years more to go.

I have yet to listen to the podcasts mentioned, but the subject is very interesting. What's said here sofar reminds me of "Into the wild" by John Krakauer, which is particularly interesting because Krakauer goes into some detail about the childhood / FOO - relationships of Chris McCandles.

Hi Marius, I've seen three different therapists over the years, which is more than usual perhaps but I'm still no authority on the subject Two of my therapists were not so great in hindsight, one was pretty good. If you are looking for one I'd focus on therapists working outside of government institutions such as RIAGG / GGD. http://www.nvvp.nl/ offers information on private practitioners all over the country. Intakes are usually free, basic insurance will usually pay the first couple of sessions ( you need a prescription from your physician). Some therapists are willing to negotiate their rates after that.

http://www.dutchdailynews.com/dutch-children-school/

The analogies of guitarplaying and walking to barcelona are somewhat missing Naers point I think. Both guitarplaying and going to barcelona require more or less objective skill-sets that are beyond the personal realm, they deal with objects in a shared physical world, and you can instruct people on them without having to deal with each person's most individual aspects, their histories etc. Each guitar is a guitar, directions to Barcelona are equal for each and everyone with the same starting point. I certainly agree that when trying to get self-knowledge other people may help, and are perhaps essential, books may help ( shape your thoughts on things you already kind of know, shuffle some inner cards etc.) but I agree with Naer that basically it has to come from within. There can be no general instructions like roadmaps or chord-diagrams. Better comparions to the attainment of Self-knowledge might be: to find out where the music is coming from, or to study yourself like a geographical map.

Hi Skeezix, In terms of parenting what's been of practical help to me has been Gordon's book called "Parent effectiveness training". It's well known, and is probably available in local libraries and secondhand stores. In terms of selfwork I can highly recommend books by Alice Miller. I have a copy of a book of her in English that I can spare, if you PM me I will send it to you.

Fascinating read, thanks. Medical professionals aside, I also wonder how Michael Greger ( www.nutritionfacts.org) would respond to this.

In the last sundayshow a Dutch person called in and the (very interesting) conversation led to the topic of the Netherlands as being a progressive place where one might expect libertarian ideas to spread quickly at some point. This initself might be true and I certainly hope so. But when spanking was mentioned there was an error: Stef mentioned that to his knowledge the Netherlands had been among the first European countries to prohibit spanking and this is not the case. A Dutch law prohibiting the spanking of children was passed as late as in 2007, where the beating of animals had been forbidden back in 1993. Also, homeschooling is near to impossible in the Netherlands, seemingly more and more so, unlike for instance Belgium. Here's some data about no-spank laws that I looked up: Sweden 1979 Finland 1983 Norway 1987 Austria 1989 Cyprus in 1994 Denemark 1997 Letland 1998 Kroatia 1999 Germany 2000

Fabebook might be a good practiceground for a habit where you don't offer your honesty to people when they have not earned it. I'm certainly no master in this skill myself, but reading your post it really makes sense once again .. The idea that you can just walk up to people assuming that they're going to be able to perform all kinds of introspection that took you (or at least me) many years of suffering and hard work ... is kind of irrational. How did you feel prior to your initial ( "look in the mirror") response?

Is it defect or do you need one without having an example? If you have an old motherboard try searches with anything that looks like a version number on the board. In my case the version number was in between the card-slots and it could only be seen when all the cards where taken out.

Hi Yan, Welcome to the boards! Where is your free community going to be established? And do you have a showcase / is any of your work online?

Do you think his Asperger's Syndrome is important in determining how to deal with his DS playing? I am asking because I have no experience with children who are affected by this. But we do have this same gaming issue with one of our children. At some point we decided to let him have his way with it for a while, and then after two weeks changed our minds as his playing only seemed to increase, and other activities diminished: it seems positively addictive for him, which to our estimation we should not allow to go on. I can do some work on wondering why he is attracted so much to these games, where his sisters are far less interested in them. But practically speaking, at this point we've decided to put some boundaries in place. He can play for an hour each day, and for another half hour or so on my desktop computer .. and that's it. Every once in a while we re-negotiate about the how and when's of his quotum.