MysterionMuffles

Wow you guys are awesome with that. I feel almost guilty now for sitting my neice down to watch the children's channel for more than 2 hours lol. Almost. Uncle needs a break from running around once in a while! Anyways, I don't have children of my own, just a neice I babysit on the weekends, so I don't have much to contribute to this thread other than a word of amazement to how differently this is approached by other philosophical parents. Though I do wonder if anyone has tried Dayna Martin's approach where you just let the kid spend endless hours, maybe an entire day watching a show or playing a game, which results in the kid getting their fix fulfilled and ultimately choosing their own limits? And doesn't letting them go over the intended time limit cause them to not take the limit too seriously after a while, or is there a way to work around it? Where it's like "you can play an extra 2 hours today, but tommorow you gotta stop 2 hours earlier." Is that nitpicky or does it go a long way?

I don't get it....what did you do or say? When you post, there's this green icon just below the emoticon smiley. It's called image then you can either upload one or link to it.

How do you know this? A common excuse for someone wanting to date someone exponentially younger than them is that "they're mature for their age." And hey maybe they are, but that doesn't mean they would be sexually ready for someone more than a decade older than them. Especially at the teen age where most of their development happens. Don't think about the illegalities and punishments that may come (even though she seems like she might consent), but I'd rather focus on objective perspective on how you think a relationship with her will actually play out. I'm not here to tell you if it's wrong or right. I did date a girl who was 3 years younger than me when I was a senior in high school. I know that gap wasn't too big, but you can imagine the judgements that came my way when I became 18 and all of a sudden it was wrong for me to be with her. The way I guage it is; could you be doing better than this? What amount of shyness do you have to have, to have a girl a whole lot younger than you confront you on your shyness? (Wow that's a lot of have to have to have to's lol) Discern between sexual convenience and true intellectual/emotional compatibility. Also be honest with her and tell her if you have any discomfort taking someone so young out for lunch. If she doesn't already, let her know how old you are and ask her why she wouldn't much rather date someone closer to her age? Or better yet: ask her what her relationship with her father is like. If it's dysfunctional, it's a clear sign she's trying to replace him with you with the bonus of possible intercourse. Hey man, I ain't gonna lie. Making love to a young girl in bloom has its novelty value, but that kind of tarnishes any possibility of real growth and reciprocity. If you do have a grip on where you are in life, you will know instinctively if this relationship may be right or wrong for you. I trust that you do, and that you will listen more to your head than your other head if you know what I mean. As for the heart? I can't say much on what effect she may have on yours, for all we know she might be the sweetest girl you ever met, but you gotta weigh out the cost/benefit to dating someone that much younger than you. Are you okay with being judged by others who may not see it as innocent? How will you make sure her emotional maturity is even compatible with yours? If she's very immature, can you look into your own maturity or any other aspect of yourself that may be attracting her? Are you sure you're just not being overrun by your hormones as Undelution said? Would you even know how to let her down easy if it turns out she's not compatible with you? If you do decide to date her long term, how do you think that'll play out? Will the age gap even matter and will her parents accept you despite of it? Have you even been pursuing women around your age? What are your standards for love and sex? Those are a few quesitons you might want to start asking yourself. Hope this helps!

Also as Stef has said, "the best control is connection." If you're not connected with your kid, you may not find joy in the simplicity of just being with him. Enjoy and acknowledge his presence, play with him in between conversational breaks with your friends. Let him know he exists and he is part of the interaction, not a distraction. mr evil, ironically you had a very good natured post and very empathetic. You're right, some of the responses did seem condascending...I feel like mine was now too LOL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88Jv79Kz_rA I don't know how accurate Ubisoft's research team is, but if they really are, it's cool to see Stef's ancestor William in polygonic fresh expressing the same libertarian views against the initiation of force and taxation.

I would only find it unfair if you wouldn't reciprocate, or worse, down right reject him and he kept trying lol. My IFS revelation was recognizing that I had a girlfriend part living inside of me. Yeah I know, que in the foreveralone jokes but I found it very helpful to access this fictional woman that lives in my psyche. Before I ever had real life girlfriends, I used to fantasize about what kind of girl I would be with, and that manifested my girlfriend part. She embodied whatever current preferences I had for women in terms of looks and personality. In my journalling, I came to understand that this part developed in me as a tool to self soothe. Being neglected by my mother for most of my life, and sometimes downright rejected, I invented this girlfriend part I can access in my day dreams or nights of insomnia, to envsion my self being caressed lovingly in her arms. It's a weird conundrum, but she trippled as a maternal replacement, a romantic fantasy, and a sexual fantasy. Not sure if it's significant to separate them. In my senior years of high school, that's when the flings stopped and I started dating for the purpose of having long term relationships. So out with the flings, and actually out with a girlfriend part because some of her traits were embodied in the 3 women I dated. Not all of her traits were contained into one, more like spread out amongst them. Due to my low level of confidence and self respect at the time, my standard for romantic partners was low and so the quality of my relationships were also quite low. I don't feel comfortable sharing the details on that because it feels so foreign to me now. So I'll just continue with the revelation. After the 3rd woman and I broke up after a 2 year relationship (a year and a half was official, while the last few months were just fooling around in denial about what we truly want in life), that girlfriend part started to seep back into my psyche. I used to be haunted by it and feel worse about my self for having to resort to this fantasy. But then I learned the importance of her existence in my psyche. Despite of all the manifestations she has taken over the years, she has always played the same role. She's someone I can drift off to and fantasize about to picture my self being a good boyfriend to. The only difference now is, my focus is on her virtues and how openly we can communicate, whereas before I ever got involved with women, she was just mind's eye candy for me to get off from. I surmised that I invented her as a way to create a template for what I would like in a woman. I even let her take hold of the pen for most of my journal entry, and she assured me that she will be there for as long as I need her, but her main job is to make her self obsolete. Little fantasy role plays of me being a great guy and whatnot, that, I think, is preparation for when I'm ready for the real thing. She even said that whoever I meet and date in the future may not even be exactly as I would want her, maybe even better, but never ever worse because the time I've spent on self knowledge has only raised my standard for love so much higher. Anyways, I hope this makes sense and doesn't seem like a destructive part to have in my psyche. Like I may get too lost into the fantasy that I would settle for it more than any real romantic interactions. Sure as hell doesn't seem like it to me as I have grown comfortable around women the past 6 years, and have started seeing them more than just potential sexual partners. Respecting them for who they are without any intended goal of sex has given me so much more perspective on their true value.

I ask this because I had a revelation about my love life while using that methodology for introspection.

Damn that is so cute and inspiring. He really went through those great lengths to prove how much he wanted to be with you? Did you not at all feel put off by his dedication, or was that dedication complete satisfaction and complimentary to you? Like are you used to that kind of treatment, or was it so new that you couldn't help but fall in love with the man? I think you struck a chord with me when you said: That moved me. This is what I feel right now: one of the strongest urges to find a woman for that very same reason. For her and for me to feel valued for simply existing, for being who we are. To be understood and to be understanding because I feel like I've had so much love inside me locked away that I cannot deal with the loneliness of not having someone to share it with. I don't know why I started to cry finishing that sentence, and out of all the things I've ranted about in the forum, that was the first thing to really hit me deeply. I am really thankful for your participation in this thread, Mishelle. Are you familiar with Stef's idea of the Mecosystem/Internal Family Systems? That we as individuals consist of a mulitiplicity of subpersonalities? I am willing to share more about my ponderings of love and romance, but I don't want to overwhelm you with something you may not be familiar with.

Another tactic is simply admitting that you don't know, but that all you know is that our current system is not effective to begin with. Anything that could replace that would be infinitely better since so many crimes remain unresolved anyway. But uhhh what Kevin says has more bearing on reasoning and logic lol.

Lol yeah I was just making a satirical generalization. Anyways, I'm still new to IFS and not too far into the book by Jay Earley. I've gone so far as to read the first example session and saw how helpful it could be. However, I feel like the way I'm using the concept is very different from it, but still pretty helpful. The way I'm using it is putting a name to certain behaviours, mainly one that used to ignore my grandma's needs. I labelled that my inner-father, a direct influence of how negligent and downright aggressive my father was towards me, and still IS towards my grandmother on a daily basis. I've never tried to heal the part, rather recognize its existence. Since I've gotten aware of it, I've been able to tell it to "please be quiet, and let me speak instead." And for once, I've been consistently sweet, caring and kind towards my grandmother, finally being one of the few people in my family who is not annoyed by her nor nags her for the way she is. I have a more in-depth post about how I became kinder to my grandmother through a series of IFS inspired journal entries you can read here. But basically, there are many parts of my self I've been discovering and I haven't done much in identifying them as either protectors or exiles. Just very negative influences that I am able to quiet now and no longer let control me. Is this approach valuable? It still seems like it right now, but if anyone can give me feedback on the faultiness of that approach and how it may not be as permanently helpful as I'm hoping it to be, and assuming it to be since I've been pretty serene for 14 days straight. I mean the last time I was ever consistently happy everyday for two weeks straight was when I went on a cruise in Europe and that was two years ago. ANYWAYS those are my thoughts so far.

Yes probably infinitely more helpful than prayer which is an IFS talk with your inner-God, which I really think is your inner condemning parent

That's great! I hope her apology was genuine and she's made promises to change that she will keep.

WOW Stephen man, I have to admit. My critic did actively avoid the video you shared, but I let him know that he can still be sceptical during or even after this video. I still sort of am, but I have a better understanding of how it is possible to have subselves because of the brain region arguments in particular. This makes me want to look further into that because that's the kind of physical evidence I was looking for, even though a part of me thinks that personal ambivelance is already enough. Again, the critic though won't settle for that, so thank you for sharing the video because now IFS therapy and its helpfulness is amplified through the accumilation of proof provided in this post, and as I read the Self Therapy book further.

That John guy sounds like a real asshole. Erin: Since about 80% of parents hit their children, I don't think it's fair to say a lack of corporeal punishment is the cause of these "bad" children. Wouldn't it be the other 20% raised in peaceful homes that were bad? It doesn't add up. THAT is an epic argument! So true. Kids these days have NO respect BECAUSE of the abuse. If such a vast majority still hit their kids and the majority of kids grow up with no respect...ugh what an axiom! I love how people think they can sanely say that you can spank WITHOUT anger and WITH LOVE...if that's the case, then you can steal with generousity!

Hotdamn! Thanks for all the replies guys, STer I loved your blog post. So multi-sided and open to interpretation. I learned a lot as well. Lol at Stephen, yes thanks for satisfying my critic's curiousity. I'll respond to this thread on how I feel and what I've gathered about IFS when I get a chance to watch the video Stephen shared. This is shaping up to be a really helpful methodology and increasing understanding for it can only benefit me further.

Welcome to the forums and holy hell that is quite the backstory...I am really sorry for what's happening with your family. What kind of appropiate games do you mean if you mind me asking? Also, yeah it's horrible you gotta throw the government in, but the CPS is the best we've got in our society especially if there's refusals to sit down and talk about issues within the family.

I very much enjoy the idea of the individual containing a multiplicity of sub-personalities. I've had a small introduction to that idea when I read a quote by an author whose name I can't remember. It went along the lines of, "a writer is just many people trying to be one." It plays on the idea that any author's characters are just basically an extention of themselves and their own subconscious, and as a writer my self, I identified with that idea quite strongly. But for a while I thought it was exclusive only to us, and then I started hearing more about Stef's references to the Mecosystem and a few people in the FDR community talk about the helpfulness of IFS therapy. Personally for me, in the past 10 days of daily consistent journalling, I've used an IFS/Mecosystem approach to writing out my internal dialogue. It seems very very helpful in figuring my self out. It feels less of an argument of the self, and more of a simple dialogue amongst sub-selves. Applying different personality traits, roles, and intentions onto separate parts of my self I can label has made it easier to quell my ambivelance about my personality and life itself. I've discovered many parts, labelled them as inner-[father, mother, child etc. just to name a few] and put a voice to each of them. They've all had interesting things to say. Anyways, I won't get too into detail about my personal revelations using this approach. What I do want to know if there is any empirical evidence of the IFS/Mecosystem being a real phenomenon. Like have there been studies that show people's brains lighting up different parts of their brains when certain motives, roles, feelings are accessed? Somehow signifying switches between subpersonalities. The human mind is so goddamn hard to wrap your head around (probably not the best metaphor lol). I do believe we have the tendancy to infect our personalities onto each other and we influence each other consciously and subconsciously, seems about right. And the idea that this methodology helps a ton, with or without a therapist's guidance...would that be enough empirical evidence that I need?

YIKES people are so twisted...they really love to justify that it's okay huh? We have a long way to go if we are to change the world. It must start with pulling people's heads out of their asses. One of my number one arguments against the idea of "spanking with love," or not doing it too often is this: If spanking is not beating a child, then groping a woman's body is not rape. Really, it's not. But it's a violation of their personhood and that's all that matters. Whoever you argue this with, if they get offended by the comparison and start attacking you for using something so "disgusting" and "offensive," they have far bigger problems than you will initially realize. BTW when you said: Erin: KK, Respect your elders (for no reason) or I'm gonna hit you and teach you respect. I actually wanted to try clicking like LOL

[sarcasm]Oh, no, but you see nathan, kids are uncontrollable little animals that need to be domesticated first. If you're kind to them you give into their cries and all that crap, they learn to take advantage of you![/sarcasm] I can never understand how ingrained that crap is to people.

I reign from video game forums...nuff said. In game and board drama is such a hilarious thing to look back on now.

eh not to mention the collective fear of the actors influence the unsuspecting customer to conform

Look at my post above you for an example of reasoning with a preverbal toddler. And if I may add another example, there was one time my neice was throwing around a bunch of DVD's out of the case and onto the floor. It was pretty loud and reckless. She was about 20-24 months old by this time btw. Anyway, I was actually pretty tired and although I have spanking completely off the table, I did want to yell at her to stop, pick her up even and pull her away, but I didn't. Instead, I sat beside her and held her wrist so she can maintain eye contact with me and said, "if you want to play with the DVD's you're gonna have to be careful okay Be gentle and place them down like this, one by one." And then I started showing her how I take DVD's off the case. Her way was just pulling them out and throwing them behind herself without even looking back. I showed her my way and the way I prefer that she played with them if she wanted to be able to continue--and so I just pulled them one by one and showed how to slowly place them down on a neat stack on the floor. I even put emphasis on how the less distance there is between your hand and the dropping point, the better. Then, you wouldn't believe it, but she actually listened! She stared at me for a second and I thought I was wasting my time, but she pulled a DVD out of the case, actually turned around and slowly bent over to place it down as gently as she could. It dropped an inch to the ground, but it was better than them flying around. Eventually she got better the more I applauded her success in putting them down quietly and as straight as possible on the pile. Every time she grabbed too many at a time or threw them, I would just lose enthusiasm. Peaceful Parenting podcast, THANK YOU! Lol, I forget which one it was, but Stef said enthusiasm is a good weapon to enforce positive behaviour. You show it when they succeed, keep encouraging them if they fail, but show your genuine drop in enthusiasm. Anyways once again, I hope my examples help, if not please give me feedback on why they might be faulty approaches I use,

I dunno if I'm just talking out of my ass here, but in the case of sleep training and brushing teeth, much like with feeding, I think you just have to find creative ways to get it accomplished. I've been babysitting my neice every weekend for almost a year now, and it just doesn't work when I try to get her to sleep. The coaxing methods I've used in the past were absolutely fallacious. There was only one time where I held her down (gently don't worry lol) with my arm over her body and she struggled to get up, but after a few attempts she fell asleep without a whimper. The second time I tried that, she struggled to get out of my hold with tons of resistance and I noticed she was getting frustrated with that so I stopped. That was a method I used before I started babysitting her, but the one I have been using since day one was taking her out on a walk. And prior to that, more importantly, is to exert a ton of energy playing with her. It will energize her and make her pretty hyper for that next little hour or so, and once I'm tired, for another hour or two she will still have that pent up energy to do more crazy zany things. But once I've expressed that I don't have the energy for it anymore, she will inevitably get upset, try to pull my hand to stand up and continue playing. That's when I get on one knee and to her eye level and explain to her that I'm too tired to keep playing. Even if she's pre-verbal I think it's very important to teach a kid to know when it's "time to talk." It's only a guess, but I think the only reason why spanking and nagging "gets the job done" when you do it is because there's a change of tone in the interaction that the child fears. But it's like what Stef says, when you're close with someone, all you need is the lightest touch. "A whisper is a sonic boom." So to show my neice play time is over, at least for me, I'm still peaceful with her and a bit playful, but a subtle change in my movement and craziness, she's starting to understand that when I get on the one knee to talk to her without making faces or goofy sounds, that means I'm trying to reason with her. She usually just shrugs it off and starts playing on her own, and eventually tires herself out and signifies that by rubbing her eyes, yawning. I will then try to pick her up and put her to sleep, but she will resist getting picked up. Less and less though I have to get resistance as she is now getting used to the idea that I've followed her cue and she just knocks right out in my arms. It's the darndest thing. Anyways, I'm sure I could've explained that more shortly and concisely, but I wanted to emphasize how many little things go into one goal being achieved, at least in the case of sleeping. As for her brushing her teeth, I DONT DO THAT THANKFULLY that's what her parents are for when they take her home lol. So I don't know much about how to deal with that. Just be creative and patient. Try new methods and see which ones your kids are more receptive to. Then you can relish in the comfortability of repetition and habit if for a long time, that kid really enjoys a certain approach to getting their sleep, milk, and what have you.

Oh yeah that's right, the whole biology aspect of women's co-dependancy does come into play. I think even in modern times with the evolved brains of women, it is still no match to the base needs of their bodies. So I'd imagine sacrificing love for career in those kind of over-independant women create an unnatural sex drive. They either seek out to many partners, or just none at all, without ever really wanting to settle down. This is just my amateur theory, but I think we're all built in with a certain level of sex drives, obviously unique to all of us, and it's a shame to stifle it with the denial that all you really need is to invest in capital to increase your self worth. Not in the whole money is evil kind of thing, but in the sense that it creates an imbalance of desires and fulfillment. I've had 3 girlfriends, and 2 flings, and only 1 girlfriend I had was with me for more than a year. With my particular friend mentioned in this topic, I'm getting a bit more clear about where we are as friends. I mean I've known her for a few years now, and most of that time she was with another man, so I sort of got used to the idea of not being attracted to her. Yeah if you can believe that, I didn't care if she had a boyfriend back then, I always had this desire to be platonic friends with her. Though she became single a few months ago and that's when we started hanging out even more than we ever have before, and that's when the ambivelance struck me. I don't know if I was in denial or maybe I still am, but I really do believe I don't want anything romantic with her in particular. We connect on so many levels that I don't think even remotely touch on the romantic side. There was one week where I did fantasize about what it would be like if I were to be with her and of course that gave me some pleasure, but when I got to hang out with her at the end of that week, that desire kind of dissolved. All these traits I feel are compatible with me romantically, were only traits strong enough for a solid friendship than a romantic relationship. It's hard to explain, but basically I felt my mind creating a fiction around her that has nothing to do with who she really is, and I was only falling in love with that idea as opposed to who she really is. I don't know, is it weird of me to say that I can recognize what makes her attractive and not be attracted to her? And as a person who used to be very jealous and possessive, I don't get jealous when she talks about the dates she goes on or talks about the casual sex she has like I would with a woman I feel like I'm working towards? Well anyways, I haven't ruled out the possibility of us. I've just come to the conclusion that I don't feel anything for her right now, but I am open to let the relationship develop as it is at this rate and see what happens. Not in that passive, I won't do anything til she's close to have a new boyfriend kind of way, but in the way that I don't feel inclined to actively pursue her that way. Anyways, yes I want to find a true romance with a woman I've never met. I like the idea of starting fresh and really getting to know someone in the process of dating. I've usually been friends with my girlfriends for a long time before I asked them out, and I wanted to try something different in my adult life as opposed to my teenage approach. I want to get better at flirting because I have some knowledge on how to from left over PUA knowledge (don't worry I've scrapped all the shallow stuff from my mind) and I tend to have a lot of fun with it. I just want to develop better habits that actually seal the deal as opposed to the momentary fun social exparament adventures I've been having since I've been single. Just been testing my self out so to speak to see my comfort and confidence levels etc. This is getting pretty long, I think I've bled enough now lol. Thanks for you input, Mishelle! You've given me so much to think about, CLEARLY based on my blocks of text I'm glad to hear you're in a healthy marriage that keeps you joyed, so I trust your word on a lot of what you say, if not all of it.

I think tadas nailed it quite simply especially since it's in quick list form lol