NigelW

I thought I knew and not knowing is boring!

I got a lot of value out of your post. I found the 'status as true' section particularly useful! Great work, Kevin!

I think the same could be true of fact. If something is asserted as fact and has no grounding in past observation then can it exist in the future? I may have misunderstood where you're coming from, but let me know.

@TheRobin I see! So a solution to a conflict of definition would be to go back to the thing itself rather than using the definition. @Joel Patterson Could you define absolute? @cynicist I think I gotchya. That seems to be new to me. You're jumping ahead a little bit, I think. If I make an assertion as to whether I can change in the future it will be based on past behavior. If I had a history of pretending to change, then it would not be true that I am changing. It would be contradictory.

@Kevin Beal So the past is not the future and the past is distortable. That makes sense! I don't find religious claims particularly helpful. I think non-answers would be helpful in determining who to avoid. That does help thanks! @TheRobin Oh no problem, I appreciate the honesty. So how would you know if your definition of something is incorrect? Does it come down to getting feedback? @dsayers So, the term objective is used to describe something in space and independent of time, is that correct? If I build a cabinet and I say that it exists that would be true, but after a renovation it has been converted into shelving and saying that the cabinet exists would be false. The conceptual definition would still exist in memory. Are you talking about the conceptual definitions as being independent of time? I have conceptual definitions that are reinforced by my daily experience but can I say that they are absolute and independent from the effects of time? I'm not 100% that I follow, but let me know. @Prairie That is a new way of looking at self-work. I've often felt like I need to isolate myself until I'm certain that I will not end up getting the same relationships back.

Times new roman is easier on the eyes! @dsayers No harm done. How do you know that truth is not dependant on time? I can't conceive of living without time because I require time to process reality. Could you explain that a little more, please? Oh, I wouldn't call it ‘bad'. As I understand it, human concepts are continually challenged. Are you saying that truth is only arrived at through the reflection on things that have happened? That fits for someone who was propagandized, like me. I mean, I thought I was a happy person until I broke my denial which came from a process of reflection. I've never seen anyone go beyond the 2+2=5 argument, so I thought I'd poke the box. With the risk of looking insane of course and I find the concept of time fascinating. @TheRobin Can I ask why you'd want to differentiate between things that are conceptual definitions and claims made about aspects of the world? Is it to discard inaccurate conceptual definitions based on observing reality? @greekredemption Future behavior cannot be certain because of a lack of information. Is that probable or are you certain? @Kevin Beal My intent is to clarify basic concepts, not take a stance on mysticism or fatalism. If it's fine to generalize or make predictions based on principles supported or derived from probability, rather than fact, wouldn't it be a non-answer? Isn't truth is only arrived at through a process of reflection of past events because most people have been propagandized? What is a non-answer? @Prairie I'm having trouble with what you said about 'apparent limitations' and I'm not sure why.

So because you say there is no reason to anticipate that 2+2=5 and gravity will cease to be an effect of matter in the future, statements of fact can be made of the future? Is that a prediction or a fact? (Not trolling, I promise.) I mean to ask if facts are restricted to the past and predictions to the future. Facts and behaviors are different things, thank you for the correction. I think this is where I made a mistake. Something that is broken will not fix itself, because a pipe is not the same as a human. I understand that, but I mean to clarify the concepts and meaning of fact/prediction that I am using. What I don't understand is how you make the jump between fact and prediction. What does that look like? Am I overthinking this? Lol, I was able to get to class today, and I made quite a few warranted assumptions. I get your point about coping strategies. Having to limit myself around boring people is exhausting.

Can statements of fact only be made of the past? Would statements made about future behavior be based only on probability, no matter how small? If I understand how the brain works I am not seeing myself type in real-time, but it is my memory of typing and reflecting on having typed. I am fixating on the past. An example would be something like, how I had a terrible childhood but that it is not going to define me as a person in the future. Saying it makes it only probable that I will not let it define me. It is then shown through my actions how accountable I have been. So when something is true, is it fact upon reflection of past events and only probable in the future? I hope that makes some sense. Digging through a ton of crazy to find some truth, any comments or feedback are appreciated. Thanks, NW

I appreciate the sensitivity and the precision offered in your posts. I have been in a therapeutic process for a while now and I think it's helpful to know what I need to work on. If there was any confusion on my end, I apologize. @Lens: Wow, thank you. Can I ask what you mean when you say he was using me? Can you explain that? I've never thought of that. @Kevin: I tend to think cynically and resentfully of my grandfather. But to give you an idea of how sickening it is, I was at a family dinner and I said, 'I didn't have a father.' My aunt looked reared her head and said menacingly, 'your grandfather did the best he could.' I have mixed feelings towards my grandfather but I would not excuse his behavior. He took me in and helped me to finish high school, helped me get my drivers license, and co-signed for my student loans, but I think he's unreachable. Based on a confrontation I saw with him and his son (my uncle) where he continually denied having abused him. @dsayers: I keep forgetting that I wasn't modeled better behavior. Thank you.

I’ve been exploring my ambivalence towards my father and I’ve come out with some interesting memories. They seem hidden from view most of the time and I see only how he wasn’t there. I find myself getting stuck in blaming my parents from time to time and feel like myself as the helpless child I was. I remember playing hide and seek with my Dad and my brother. My Dad used to put on a hockey mask and chase us around once we found him. It was a lot of fun! I remember pleading for him to keep playing but when he stopped there was no negotiation. A few years later we were staying with my grandfather for a short time and I was playing hide and seek with my brother. I saw that my grandfather had fallen asleep on his rocking chair and had remembered how fun it was when my Dad would jump out of the hallway and chase us with a hockey mask on. So, I snuck up to the side of my grandfather’s chair and screamed at the top of my lungs, “Roar!” From what I was told, he “nearly had a heart attack.” My father was at work from what I can recall, in another part of the country. I also remember around the same time playing in the second floor hallway of my grandfather’s house. There were some mirrors on the wall and giant windows opposite them. The stair was no more than two or three feet away from me when my grandfather came over and pushed me. I fell down the stair and caught the hand rail about four or five risers down. My sister recalls this happening. No one in the family did anything to address the issue. My father did NOTHING and my grandfather remained the stoic paragon of moral virtue in the family, which leads me to the next memory. My brother and I were in a conflict and he enraged me. I remember feeling absolutely helpless to do anything. It so happened that we were at the top of a stair. I pushed him and he went flying. He was not as lucky as I was and he fell six or seven risers onto the carpeted stair landing with plywood subflooring. My sister recalls this memory clearly as well. I can’t remember if I was spanked but I do remember my exasperated mother often saying things like, “how come you hurt your little brother!?” Once again, my father was at work, someplace else. I feel like I am looking for moral clarity for these memories. So, if anyone has any comments, please feel free! Thanks

I am glad that you responded when you did, it gave me a better idea of what I wanted to work on. It would appear that what my father did was inflict a social boundary that I took very seriously. So, my therapist gave me the words that I wanted to say, "no, I know what is best for me." I've heard it said that, to a child, that would be a death sentence and It really struck me how powerful those emotions are even in my 20's. Something that caught me off guard was that my therapist said that I have a lot of anger towards baby-boomers. I'm curious if anyone else has run into this. I have a growing list of books that I should read and I am not sure why but I feel like not reading at all. I do appreciate the recommendation, though! I think I will try to search for the audiobook version.. Thank you again, cynicist!

Thank you for the support. I am aware that he was implying that it would bring my sexual orientation into question, even at the time and already being an insecure child, his comments made me feel even more uncertain. It’s hard not to take that personally as a child and even now. I think I am lacking empathy for myself at that time in my life... I don’t want to become the wretched mess that my father was. I should feel lucky for avoiding that fate, but there is something that draws me to that memory. A yearning or fantasy that he would stop being hurtful. That if I change or do something differently or out of spite, he would finally change. Could it be that I want to excuse my behavior in the past by letting my father off the hook? If I’ve missed anything, please feel free to comment/ask questions

Hello again, I want to unpack a statement made by my father. I'd like to bring this up with my therapist this week and I think it would be productive to get some input from y'all first. The memory is quite hazy, but from what I can recall I was about seven or eight years old and playing with a wrench. I was trying to tighten a nut onto a bolt that was holding two pieces of metal together. After learning to use the wrench with my right hand, I tried my left and was successful. My father came over and I said, “Dad look! I can do it both ways!” He responded with, “don’t tell anyone at work that.” My father was an alcoholic tradesman who was rarely home, just to give you an idea of what he was like.

Thanks Lians! Yes, I think that I had taken that role. To have this made conscious is a load off my mind. I do have a disaster scenario that plays out in my mind. It always ends up with my sister convincing an authority figure to screw me over or assault me. I know now that I have this tendency to take the role of a parent with people who are manipulative. But it is my responsibility to become conscious of it and know when to say, ‘do it yourself!’ Thank you for the comment, Ruben! I want to solidify that in my mind, that it is not my responsibility to take care of her. But I feel like I can’t until I’ve moved out, which is quite certain to happen. Seeing the lack of reciprocity has been very instructive. I feel that there are other things I could tangent off of this experience. But, it may be better to take my therapist’s advice and search for another apartment. Thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to respond. I hope that I can return the favor in the future!

Hello, Here’s an update after a rather disorienting yet relieving therapy session. I will just talk about the session, but there were a few interactions that I had with my sister prior that were significant. If you’d like to know more about those, just ask. The session consisted primarily of a role play. I was taking my sister’s perspective and my therapist was playing me. I found it odd how easily I slipped into the role. But soon enough we soon uncovered a memory. I remember being about 14 or so, which was a short while before my father left my mother. Whenever my sister would go out with friends, my father told me to go out and make sure that she got home safely. I remember spending up to 3 hours, after school, looking for her at one point. We called the police and I’m not sure what happened after that. The occasion that sticks out most in my mind was when I had to accompany her to the local youth club. The people there were trouble and I sensed it. There were other girls there who had physical scars and were looking to start a fight. They insulted me and were starting to pick on my sister. My sister was frightened and so I told her that we had to leave. The group of girls followed us out and walked down the street behind us. My sister turned around and started to swear at which point I felt doomed because I was responsible for bringing my sister home. There were little words exchanged after the initial insult and my sister stood in front of her. The girl swung and hit her in the jaw. The rage and helplessness I felt in that moment was unprecedented. Never wanting to hit a girl I growled and shouted at the two girls. My sister and I walked home. I felt guilty and sad. I had failed to keep my sister safe and there was nothing I could do. I got home and I couldn’t stomach telling my father this, but the signs were evident. (I can’t remember my parents’ reaction or even if my father was there). I would go out on a limb and say that my mother’s reaction would have been disbelief. The ordeal has left me stricken with anxiety and guilt. But, in my therapy session today I said what I wanted to say to my father for over a decade, “do it yourself!”. If you’re wondering about the significance of this, I never spoke back to my father. That usually led to spankings. My therapist has suggested that if I can't get through to my sister that moving out is a valid option, which could be in as soon as next month. Thank you for reading.

If I continue to engage with her I am saying that her behavior is acceptable. I certainly see how that could be a form of enabling. She is aware that I have been asking fundamental questions about the family and has expressed regret for what she did to me when we were children, which consisted of verbal abuse. I gave her my sympathy and assured her that I am working on myself. I not innocent either, I was verbally abusive and I’m still dealing with those feelings. I don’t suppose it’s manipulative to firmly say that I need security in this relationship and by you not paying your share of the living expenses I feel insecure and heartbroken? It could be that I am addicted to those feelings and that I am already experiencing them. That would be a very helpful revelation. On the other hand, it could be quite possible that you could be on the money. The next session with my therapist is on Wednesday. I will bring it up, thank you. I’m so sorry that your sister reacted to you in that way. My sister and I are around the same age, I’m 23 and she’s 24. How long ago did you decide to deFoo from your sister? Thank you for the podcast suggestion, it was helpful!

I took your suggestion and wrote down the questions. The main question or criticism is, "how will you afford to move around." I have one more college semester remaining that is coming up in January and my expenses, although low, are certain to take a hit from me reentering the college life. Also, I think if the relationship with my sister is impacting my capacity to have conversations with healthier people, then I would say I would find away out regardless of the cost. I'm having trouble appreciating the future standpoint. I've not been in this type of situation before and I'm lacking direction and certainty. I feel lost. The next question is, "how will your sister survive without you?" In thinking about why I chose to allow my sister to stay with me I have come down to two questions, which may be an incorrect way of looking at it, but let me know what you think. 1. She is capable of being a responsible adult, which means she knows that she is hurting me financially. 2. She is incapable of being a responsible adult. She is unwilling or unable to accept that she is hurting me financially. If I choose to allow this to go on I am permitting it. If I leave, then I am not allowing it to go on. I still wonder why I chose to allow my sister to live with me versus finding another roommate. I've considered the possibility that I was trying to avoid finding another person to live with me or downsizing. That sounds inherently manipulative and lazy, I realize that now and I want it to stop. If anyone could share their story of deFooing, that would be of great value to me. Thank you

@chiwoojo I've expressed my need for financial security and how I felt. She reacted with indifference and irritation. I cut down my costs to make ends meet and I still feel guilt. I don't know that I want children, but I would like to be secure. Thanks for the advice, I will make a point of bringing this up again, at my next session. I have discussed this before with my therapist and I've thought about it myself, maybe she is unable to take care of herself without me. @Ruben I think I see it (false dichotomy) too, thanks for pointing it out. I'm not sure if it's a fear of being like my father but I am afraid. A waterfall of critical questions flood my mind when I think of telling her to leave. I've considered leaving the debt issue for now and meeting my need for financial security, which would be a minimum of her paying her share of the rent, utilities, and food. If I can convince her to meet that basic need then she can gain some breathing room to take responsibility. The reason I say that is because she has expressed her fear of telling me that she can't pay her share. I could be wrong but it seems to fit. But in terms of debt, whether or not she pays me back, it may be the smartest money I've ever spent. What do you think?

Hi Ruben, There are places that she could go. She could move back to where she was originally which is out of the question. Another option is for her to move out on her own. We've discussed this several times but she doesn't seem inclined to do so. My father left when I dropped out of school. He left when I needed him the most. I don't want to be like my father. Let me correct myself, it wouldn't be an act of domination, but leaving helpless and dependant children to fend for themselves is not a neutral act. Why do I think that she is helpless?

Hello, I'm a 23 year old trying to save and pay off debt. The only person that I am still around from my FOO is my sister who is my roommate. She was looking for a place to get a foothold in another province to start making money, so I obliged. Before she moved in with me 6 months ago, I had just started to attend therapy and everything seemed to be improving. Her presense has started to bring up a lot of feelings from my childhood. We have on occasion gotten into disagreements about financial and emotional boundaries. I've been paying for her share of the rent, bills, and bus passes for 3 months. I brought this up with her and she avoided and made excuses like, "I hate being poor" and, "I just need a higher paying job." Financially I am capable of supporting myself but I feel helpless when dealing with my sister. I feel sometimes like she is a child and refuses to take responsibility. I know that I am not initiating force by leaving, but I also do not want it to be a way of counter domination with abandonment as we both suffer from abandoment issues, which she prefers not to talk about. Additionally, I feel like her presence is interfering with my job. The stress of not being able to save and falling further into debt because she is unwilling to discover a way of working it out. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you get out? Thank you for reading my post and feel free to drop a comment or suggestion.

Are there any construction industry professionals that have seen any applications specifically designed for building code calculations?

Some noobie ideas to bounce off you: -Do you think the "numbing" may have to do with a dissociation? -The architectural reference is interesting. Do you think the cafeteria may have to do with a memory of dissociation. -Is the number of people on the stage is significant? -Could you tell me more about the "darker intent" of the Anthony Robbins show? What feeling do you have associated with it?

That is quite a dream. What did you do the day before?

The full-tilt approach to therapy is pretty bewildering. I had a similar experience in the middle of last semester. It was just like falling out of the matrix.... I haven't experienced any type of control, although I find I can't turn off my emotions. My sensitivity towards interactions has really increased as well. How common is IFS? Did you ask your therapist about it or is there an internet resource? I feel quite ambivalent about any deep introspection, but I am curious.

I find that I'm resistant towards mecosystem/ifs. Argh. It may be a sign that it may be worth pursuing. Have you felt the same way at times?