Bouncelot

"I don't know her or you, but this sounds like you're in love with a fantasy. Also, the combination of pushing away, only spend a few hours a week, but when together seems open could easily be an act. Or allowing a fantasy to cause you to misinterpret the time you spend together." Thanks for the perspective. This is part of what I am wondering... If there was a flag i missed or if upon having the first real relationship of her life (all the others were one sided) she is breaking. Am i just romanticizing it? Looking back the change was not "visible" in the past. i.e. there were no "signs" that just got worse over time. this is almost a full 180. She is showing signs of a break, distracted, unable to focus for long periods, she has her time scheduled at about 150% and is constantly letting things slip. One day she told me the same story 3 times in about 2 hours, not realizing she had already told me it. She has had one friend approach her with concern that she may be entering a depression; and that she should seek counseling. In terms of the self awareness, I am seeking help. I have not yet found a therapist yet. "I'm also curious as to why her time has to be her friends OR you. Have you met any of her friends? Have you spent any time together with her friends?" Yes, and Yes. and this is the strange thing to me as well, and was not always the case. Early on she would spend solo time with her friends, AND we would do couple things with them as well (imo the healty way). Given her busy schedule it would make sense that it would become primarily couple time, instead it has become only solo time, which stretches her schedule even more. Not only is it solo time, she no longer meets with her friends as a group, only individually. I don't get it... but am assuming it is a sign of her mental mess? " I also found your opening line of being "everything you were looking for in a partner" to be a red flag. Especially since you do not elucidate what that refers to." Sorry I was trying to summarize. by "everything I was looking for" I meant someone who: is intelligent and curious. is open to new thoughts and ideas, willing to change their mind is they encounter something that proves old ideas wrong (i.e. open to FDR). Someone who values choice. Someone who has the self awareness and openness needed for real communication. Someone who understands that true relationships are reciprocal. Now, it can and will be argued that her self awareness was not great if she had so many bad relationships in the past, and still does (her current set of friends. I recognize that, but the fact that she was questioning those relationships (w/o my prompting) and willing to be honest with her self, showed me she had the tools and desire to improve it. "Finally, a 19 year difference in age wouldn't be a big deal if you were 60 and she was 41. But if you're 40 and she's 21, there's a very good chance that she couldn't possibly be everything you're looking for and/or even compatible with you." It is possible; and this is a question I have been asking myself almost every day since we got together. We "didn't" see each other for almost a year after we met. Both of us held back because of the age gap. Over 6-7 months we got to know each other, and then became friends. it was 4 months after that, that neither of us could deny what we had. It was very cautious, and deliberate. and we discuss it regularly. I know there is a good chance she will become someone else, and that compatibility will be broken.

I am going to prefix this by saying I am currently seeking a therapist, who I would assume I would normally bring this up with... but until then looking for a little sanity check. Several months ago I met my girlfriend. The beginning was amazing, she is/was everything I have been looking for in a partner. There were some serious and open discussions early on as she is 19 years younger then me. So for the most part it was not a purely hormone driven fall and keep falling as fast a possible romance. We had our friends and family to deal with, we had to make sure the attraction was not for the wrong reasons, etc... Part of my attraction to her (and her to me) was that she was incredibly self aware. We fit in a way mentally, and emotionally in a way that I had never experience before. We had many very open discussions about our pasts, our childhoods, and even our present. Then she started freaking out.... At first it was by controlling our time together, not in a control "me" way. But more of a management. More time spent at her house, less at mine, more time doing frivolous things, less actually communicating. When I confronted her about it, we had a very good discussion about what was going on in her head. How the relationship had become "serious" (we had just passed 6 months), how she didn't know if she believed in long term relationships, or marriage. This was a reflection of her past, her parents bad marriage, and her own hurt from being cheated on in her only long term relationship. On top of that she was beginning to question her relationship with her parents, her friends (were they ever her friends) And in terms of life events, she had started to go back to school making a change in careers. What I realized not long ago, is that I think it was our relationship that set allot of this off. Encountering a relationship that was open, honest, upfront, reciprocal, etc.... Has caused her to question everything around her... She is awakening. The part that is confusing and frustrating is that she has pushed away from me as a result. I see glimpses of the woman I love in there, but she has become very different. She has fill her time to the point where she has as an extreme met with 6 different groups of "friends" in a single day (sometimes she will fit me in, others not), she takes entire days where she needs to "rest", so those days are filled as well. If I am lucky I see her for a few hours a week, and we barely talk in between. It's she is running, she is avoiding, and I suspect I am reminding her of what she is running from.... From what I have seen and heard, I suspect she is on the verge of a breakdown.When we are together though, I see the old her. we are "us" again. She is caring, the relationship is reciprocal we have fun together, we have even discussed what is going on with her. She apologizes, tells me that she is not fully certain what is going on, that she needs time. She even suggested once that maybe we should break up b/c she did not want to hurt me. I want to be there for her; and I have told her as much. I want to support her in this. The woman I love is still in there... but.... How much of this should I continue to take? At what point does it transition from support to masochism? It has only been like this for a month now, but I am already starting to feel the strain.

In my case, I raised my parents (and my sister) from about the age of 12. It is when I discovered/realized that i was not only bigger and stronger then my dad(I matured young). I was also wiser, more mature, and smarter then my parents. They were barely functional as adults, my dad being an alcoholic, and my mom with her own issues. I had to teach them how to handle their finances. I had to make sure my sister was up and ready for school, lunch packed. I had to makes sure my parents were up and ready for work. I had to make sure they remembered to pay the bills, etc.... Essentially it was like having two ~35-40yo teenage kids who you could not reason with, who had control of all the home finances, had their own cars, etc.... In essence it is abandonment.... only you are too young to realize it.... and too young to be on your own... So you make it "work" for the sake of your own sanity and survival.... At least for me this is what I mean when I tell people that I raised my parents....

I look at is as layers/levels. The main purpose of the first few dates is to get to know the person. I like to think that the purpose of the first date is to determine if there will be a second, the second a third, and so on. You want to have fun, you don't want to turn it into an interrogation, you want to get to know the person! You can determine allot w/o diving deep into philosophical questions and conversations. By just asking about their life, their family (do you have brothers or sisters?), their friends, their hobbies, you let them determine the pace. when they ask you questions, you open a bit and see if they are comfortable with your openness. Their reactions, and their answers will tell you allot about their relationship with reality. How willing they are to open up, etc... by re-phrasing a question from different angles, or asking for more details on things you can get a sense any internal logic bombs. You can gain allot of information without turning a a spotlight on them AND you will have allot more fun doing it!

^This^ I can speak much for weed or alcohol, however i was a smoker for many years. Understanding where the "Need" comes from, what hole it is filling, will take you a long way to kicking it. I am still fighting with quitting, almost 2 years now, but when I feel the urge to buy a pack, or bum one from someone, I am able to ask myself where the desire cam from, and to talk myself out of it. Rationally.

Significant Other. Or Superior Officer ;P (Bad joke)

Completely agree Jams, and well put SMG. I think you hit the nail on the head here I think "sorry" and other apologies have moved into the mystical, to most people they are "magic words" that make the problem go away and alleviate guilt w/o having to modify your behavior. The offended have been taught that they need to "let it go" and "forgive" if the magic words are spoken.I think the way you explained it Jams is how it should be, and how it is for us free thinkers. For me, and apologies is nothing more then a acknowledgement, and its the actions that follow that determine is the person is truly sorry. Regrets I tend to put into a different category. Personally they usually don effect others, so I don't share them. They are silent promises to myself; and quite often not even that.... I just make sure not to repeat it. The first time is for learning, if you do it a second, then it's a regret.

My GF once noted "We always talk serious!" (Not a complaint, more of an observation). To which I responded, "Shallow conversation is for shallow relationships." The fact that I don't stoop to that level around you is a sign of respect. That said, there is a time and place for everything. I was recently at a friends BBQ, I met some great people, some of whom I saw a potential friends, they were very real, and fascinated by my tat (I swear on my life, and my love of it... etc...). But a large mixed group of people, at a light event is not the best time to start a deep discussion on the non aggression principal. instead, sometimes you need to keep things light, focus on who they are, get to know who has the potential for deeper discussions at a later date. Plus, there is nothing like a 4am after party that dives deep into real topics!

Thanks for sharing your story! About you comment on "It seems like every time I hear a story on this board or the call in show it's more horrific than the last. I'm not sure if everyone in the world had a bad childhood and I should just get over it or what." I think allot of people have had issues, and each case is unique, but we can learn from others experiences, and maybe help our own lives make sense to us. Like you have done here. Don't swallow, don't bury, because to you its real, and its important. I had similar experiences, I was in my early 30s when I had my first "date". Unlike you I was never chased, I was not unattractive or anything, just never caught the interest of women around me. Other then the drunk groping and surprise kisses from older, very drunk women in random bars. I spent allot of years trying to understand "what was wrong with me(?)", I had normal drives and interests, and a very active libido, but could not form that connection. I was confident, had no issues talking to women, and had many female friends; but still nothing... Over time I came to realize a few things and made peace with it all. - In some cases quality of the women I was meeting did not match my own. On the one side I had my hormones raging, and I desperately wanted to make a connection, and find someone. But in truth, there was always a little voice that knew they were not for me, and kept me from going further. - I had allot of shit going on, my parents were dragging me down, I was trying to start my life with 0 support (in any capacity). If anything it was like being a 20yo parrent of 2 50yo teenagers, and a younger sibling that also needed help. so my plate was "full". And even though I wanted a relationship, I think on some level I would not be able to finish anything I started... Not until I shrugged. - Wrapped up in all this was the fact that even though on the outside I looked like I had my shit in order, I felt great about my self, I was making my way in the world, I was moving up and out..... It was in part a lie, and deep down I knew it. I knew I could not start anything real until I got my head strait. Friends used to tell me I was too picky, that my criteria were too high. The truth was; I wanted something "real", I did not want an endless series of meaningless relationships, and in truth, with everything going on in my life, I understood that the that I could not handle the emotional roller coaster that is inevitable with "bad matches" I did not have the benefit of Freedomain. I ended up de-foo'ing almost 10 years before I found this sight. And spent the the time since then bringing balance back to my life. This place is absolutely wonderful, and with its help I am sure you can discover what is holding you back. We are here for you!

Very nice find!

Welcome!