Bipedal Primate

Well said. :-)

I wear cashmere and designer clothing from Nordstrom, Barneys, and Saks by default. :-p Every piece of clothing I own is from Goodwill. When I lived in Atlanta, I would go to the goodwill in Buckhead near the Governor's Mansion, most of their stuff is designer, with Tags! I refuse to go to a mall and pay $60 for a sweater when I can find one for $3 at Goodwill. Shopping at Goodwill has been so much fun. I have definitely tried out different styles due to the cheap cost. I now have a really nice collection of office suits and conservative outfits all 'Banana Republic' (from goodwill). I agree with Nathan, Banana Republic clothing is excellent office wear.

I recommend checking out some of Kyle Grows podcasts. He is also a therapist. Your post reminded me of one of his podcasts where he talks about his history/relationship with gaming. I have found his podcasts incredibly insightful. http://www.kylegrows.com/

The answer is 'No Contact Ever Again' or limited contact. In my personal relationships, I believe *some* people deserve a second chance to make amends for verbally or emotionally abusing me. It is on me to tell them why I am unhappy with the relationship, and then it is on them to make amends. If they do not show me *with actions* they have regret by no longer verbally/emotionally abusing me, then No Contact is my solution. As a society, I support ostracizing abusers who are: 1. unwilling to admit to the abuse they inflicted 2. unwilling to seek therapy/self knowledge 3. unwilling to *actively* show they no longer abuse people I think your writing is intense and powerful; the dog analogy is so uncomfortable to read, it is spot on -- disgustingly accurate. I look forward to reading more about what you have to say about guilt as a tool to manipulate. Congratulations on such a great accomplishment. :-)

Last month I watched two very interesting YouTube videos with Sam Vankin and an Empath(can't remember his name) demonstrating how a Narcissist reacts to active listening and an attempt to use 'cold empathy' to relate to another person. Cold Empathy Garners Narcissistic Supply (Edwin R…:

Punches you in the face with anarchist philosophy. Gets mad when you don't agree.

{lmao}

I think altering one's appearance 'dramatically' is suspect and leaves me wondering why they are doing it/did it. If someone has one small tattoo, only has ears pierced once, has some highlights or funky haircut/mohawk, wears a little make-up, or starts going to the gym --loses a lot of weight and builds up a lot of extra muscle mass; I don't automatically view it as trauma. I suspect trauma when I see a pattern develop. For example one small tattoo turns into 10 large ones, full face piercings, so much make-up you can't even see the person's skin underneath, changing hair color from black, to blue, to red in a very short time span and then suddenly shaving head, or the extra muscle mass quickly turns into a very unnatural steroid enhanced look. I think it's healthy to try out non-permanent new looks and/or new hair styles; experimentation with your appearance can be a fun way to figure out your likes and dislikes. I view this as self-care, not trauma. I have never wanted tattoos or piercings, the idea of doing something permanent has always seemed like a bad idea. And I will admit, I tend to jump to judgmental conclusions when i see a 22 year old girl with her neck and arms covered in tattoos. I feel sad for her because I project my own fear that she will regret it later in life.

Well said. "The apology is to disarm your anger, to lower your defenses and thus allow him back in." Yep, this is the part that takes people a long time to recognize. Once a person understands "forgiveness is not charity"-stef, they can accept and feel the anger without any guilt.

Hi! I have been living in Beijing for the past year. I have also lived in Hong Kong for 7 years and Shanghai for 3 years. I am currently hosting monthly Beijing FDR Philosophy Discussion meet-ups in Sanlitun. Please do not hesitate to message me if you are interested. Cheers!

I agree, I led a monthly breastfeeding attachment parenting meeting for many years, tried the 'evangelists' route, and it ended up being a total waste of my time trying to convince people who could care less. I should have invested all of my energy and resources with those who *wanted* to learn and grow.I think living your values and role-modeling what a virtuous life looks like is really the only thing you can do. Role-modeling is effortless and free advertising for what we believe in :-)There was a time in my life when I was consumed with 'making a difference' and 'helping others.' Now, looking back I realize that all that passion was just an excuse to avoid working on myself. I was purposely distracting myself with other people's problems, because facing myself was too painful.May I ask, do you spend much time on self-knowledge?Therapy has helped me tremendously, in addition to all the amazingly brilliant cool people I've met here at FDR. :-)

I currently live in Beijing and we can longer view anything on TV covering the Hong Kong protests. Every time CNN starts a Hong Kong update the channel goes black. The internet is super slow right now too. ugh. If these protests result with more freedom of press/speech then I will be pleased because censorship sucks. a bit off topic: [ I lived in Hong Kong for 7 years, and thought it was strange when a poster above described Mong Kok as a downtown area of Hong Kong. I've always thought of Central and/or TST as the "downtown" of Hong Kong. But to each his own :-) ]

I now have a great way to measure whether I am truly connecting 'with myself' or if I'm connecting with my false self (repressing, feeling like I am not real, or like I am living a script). My false self requires so much freaking brain power --The first thing that goes is my intellect, I can not maintain a rigorous thought process for very long when my brain is busy producing fictional information to sustain the illusion of my false-self. I also tend to get sick more, migraine headaches, sore neck, and generalized fatigue. It takes a lot of brain power to support delusional thoughts and my brain becomes bankrupt very quickly. These are huge red flag that I am repressing or living a script.Living as my true self is *effortless* -- Therefore, when I'm connecting with myself, I don't feel depleted of energy. Here are some signs that I have connected with my true self:I don't take things personally, I actually stop personalizing every darn thing a person says to Me! I don't 'instantly' judge others, I wait until I have heard what they have to say :-) I'm much more easy going and I laugh at silly mistakes. I have a sense of humor. I ignore and avoid toxic people.

I am happy to know that your true-self is well grounded 96% of the time, that's Great! Like you, I can go for long periods living my true-self, but recovery from childhood and adult trauma has not been a linear process for me. Through self-knowledge, I have identified the times in my past when I started losing my true-self due to a change in my external environment, and the cause was contact with toxic people. For me, no contact is the answer, but I too am *regrettably* guilty of letting toxic people back into my life. I now identify toxic people by asking myself three questions: Does contact with this person:1. lower my self esteem2. raise my anxiety3. Increase my confusion, sadness, rage, or despair If I answer yes to any of the above, and I have identified a pattern of behaviour, I have to consider that this person is toxic and consider no contact.Source: Are you skeptical that personality subselves run …: Here is another insightful person who does an excellent job explaining self-knowledge and true self vs false self. I highly recommend watching a couple of his videos, I find them very inspirational. http://www.nurturingtruth.com/ I especially liked this one, there are layers of in depth analysis here: A Truth Behind Burning Man: http://youtu.be/lKrZrTOcPkGood luck, finding your way back to your true self, think of all the self-knowledge you have already gained through this experience, now you can reflect and ask yourself, "what can I do differently to avoid feeling like this again?"Much warmth :-)

Hello Torien, Which of Stefan's shows is your favorite? I bacame an uber fan after watching 'the truth about Robin Williams', it blew me away! See ya around

Right after my husband and I became pregnant, I immidiatly went online and joined a discussion board for pregnant moms. I just started reading about cloth diapering, breatfeeding, child led weaning, homeschooling, natural child birth, and back then non-violent parenting was called 'gentle parenting.' When I first read about Attachment Parenting, it seemed like common sense. Then when I read the forums for bottle feeding, daycare babies, cry-it-out in a crib, working moms, -- I started to cringe. I then sought out like minded families in Hong Kong for support and joined 'la leche league International' and volunteered.

Well said. Whenever I use this argument when speaking with other women, I always get the same blank expression as if I suddenly started speaking a foreign language. Why is this so difficult for women to hear, absorb, or even consider?I have a 16 year-old-son, therefore I have a vested interest in him not growing-up in a world of complete idiocy. My son is the evidence that Stay-at-home mom + Peaceful Attachment Parenting + Exclusive Breastfeeding +Co-sleeping works! He is literally the happiest and most laid back easy-going young man I know. He oozes kindness and empathy for others. My son was born in Hong Kong, where I was a volunteer La leche league leader for several years. I offered 24-hour phone support and led a monthly support meeting for pregnant and new mums interested in Breatfeeding, natural child birth, and Attachment Parenting.I can't tell you how resistant most women were to the idea that they would actually need to 'alter their lifestyle' for the benefit of their child. Very few stayed home, most weaned to artificial powdered milk by 3 months, and it was impossible to convince these moms that the cry-it-out method doesn't get your baby to go to sleep faster. I eventually had to stop because it was so freaking depressing to watch moms openly support eachother's choice to abuse their babies. Outside of my attachment parenting family friends I was viewed as a complete freak for carrying my baby in a sling, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, and Breatfeeding on cue. This is a battle that I have fought on the front line, and I was defeated. I'm not sure what needs to happen for women to wake-up and admit they are the problem -- they choose not to stay home with their baby, they choose not to breastfeed, and they choose *not* to practice gentle non-violent parenting. Ultimately, they choose to go through life with their head inserted in their asshole and then blame others when their sons grow-up detached and violent. [this is such a hot spot topic for me]

Connection : A feeling when two people are really paying attention to one another When you think about it, connection is the core of peer support. It is the moment when we realize that someone else "gets it." It is the beginning of building trust, but often it doesn't last for long. We have to work at it, notice when it's there and when it's not there. Sometimes when we lose connection, we find ourselves in judgement. (maybe this person is mad at me.) or (I can't believe he just said that.) In order to reconnect we have to try to understand the situation in terms of context. (what did he mean by that?) Sometimes it means taking a deep breath and apologizing for our part in the 'disconnect.' (I'm sorry, I just had a really strong reaction to what you just said.) Reconnecting is also sometimes challenging when we feel hurt, blown off, misunderstood, or distracted. Reconnecting may not happen the second after you've had a disconnect, but there are some strategies for reconnecting: 1. Name what happened -- ( I just noticed we disconnected) 2. Own your part -- (say it when you find yourself disconnected) 3. Apologize -- (its ok to notice what's happened and apologize for your part in it) 4. Ask -- ( I wonder if I have said something that bothers you?) Source: 'Intentional Peer Support' by Sherry Mead, MSW http://www.intentionalpeersupport.org/

We are all unique individuals, and what works for one person might not work for another. Recovery from trauma is not a linear process, so at times, solitude might be needed before moving forward again. I tried solving my problems in solitude and all that happened was an attempted suicide. I now know that I absolutely need peer support whilst on *my* road to recovery from childhood abuse and adult traumas. My only other point for you to consider is that when you have a whole bunch of people, coming from a positive place, telling you that therapy has helped, then you might want to consider they are right :-) May I ask, have you tried Therapy? Did you have a positive or negative experience? My first few therapists were psychopathic assholes. Unfortunately a lot of Narcissists love to go into psychotherapy to feed their lust for control. Sadly it took me a year to finally fInd an empathetic human being who actually cared, listened, and gave constructive criticism.Have you watched The Fiat Currency of the False Self: Stef does an excellent job explaining why human to human connection is so important in the recovery process.

Hi and Welcome! I am new to the forum too :-) I agree with Kevin, therapy is a wonderful way to process what has happened. Stefan's quote from a podcast I watched earlier today was very accurate. The gist of it was that, -- We can't solve our problems in solitude, we need to connect to another human to work through our struggles. We need to be heard and validated in order to move foward. .... ugh, I wish I could remember the quote word for word. This is why I usually take notes :-)

Excellent Posts! I have nothing to add because all of your replies have been a slam dunk. I wish I could double up my up-votes on all of your posts in this thread :-)@corbyco I highly recommend Stefan's book 'Real Time Relationships.' :-)

Darn, I'm in Beijing :-/ 2:00 AM China Time = 8:00 PM (20:00) Previous Day CEST

Beijing Sanlitun Meet-up Saturday October 11 2pm - 4pm Location: The Bookworm Building 4, Nan Sanlitun Road, Chaoyang District, Beijing 100027, P.R China Tel: +86 10 6586-9507 Web: http://beijingbookworm.com http://beijingbookworm.com/photo-gallery/

Well said, I agree.For those who have doubts about whether a fetus is a person, I always use this example:An egg is not a chickenA seed is not a treeA fetus is not a person

中国是不是很难学，我学得很快。 Zhōngguó shì bùshì hěn nán xué, wǒ xué dé hěn kuài. I think Mandarin is the language of the present and future, especially for anyone interested in manufacturing mass product cheaply and/or in need of massive amounts of cheap labor. China has the physical space to mass produce many products, limited environmental laws, and practically "Limitless" cheap labor due to overpopulation and poverty. Therefore, Mandarin would be an advantage for manufacturing mass products. Mandarin Chinese tops the list of most popular world languages, with nearly two billion speakers. English trails in third place, with 335 million speakers. note: Cantonese is not even in the top tenLanguages This data includes all speakers of the languages, not only native speakers. Language Approx. number of speakers 1. Chinese (Mandarin) 1,917,000,000 2. Spanish 406,000,000 3. English 335,000,000 4. Hindi 1260,000,000 5. Arabic 223,000,000 6. Portuguese 202,000,000 7. Bengali 193,000,000 8. Russian 162,000,000 9. Japanese 122,000,000 10. Javanese 84,300,000 Source: Ethnologue, 17th Edition. 1. Encompasses multiple dialects. Read more: Most Popular Languages in the World by Number of Speakers | Infoplease.com http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0775272.html#ixzz3AN3csWnn Percentage of humans who speak the top 4 languages and where they are spoken: 1. Mandarin 官話 14.4% China, Taiwan, Singapore 2. Spanish Español 6.15% Spain, Mexico, United States, Argentina, Bolivia, Chile,Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, Panama, Paraguay, Peru, Puerto Rico, Uruguay, Venezuela, Equatorial Guinea, Western Sahara Partially mutually intelligible with Portuguese 3. English 5.43% [united States of America, United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, Ireland, New Zealand and Commonwealth of Nations 4. Hindi हिन्दी 4.70% India, Nepal http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_languages_by_number_of_native_speakers