villagewisdom

All children (6) in my family were "strongly encouraged" (required) to play instruments and were offered the option to continue after one year. I (and one brother) stayed with it for years and through multiple instruments. My siblings teased, ostracized, and tried to make me feel bad because I was sharp, had a good memory, never needed to study, seemed to just pick up stuff by osmosis, etc. Oh well, they all had the chance. http://ed.ted.com/lessons/how-playing-an-instrument-benefits-your-brain-anita-collins I'd be interested in brain studies on how singing affects the brain. Perhaps they exist. I think I'll go look that up right now. I really do love to sing and people say I look completely different when I'm singing.

Interesting. Thanks for sharing. My general sense of the whole thing is that you are comfortable with something that is not necessarily productive, like playing video games instead of studying or learning something new, working on a project you've always wanted to do, getting a job, changing a job, being more productive in your work, etc. You appear to have learned some control and enjoyment of it. I'm talking of the jaguar metaphor here. A dangerous animal which acts out of habit. Nice and cuddly but still a dangerous animal. There is some control of it but also awareness that it can (and likely will) come back and "bite you". I get a very strong impression of you thinking very little of yourself and what you have to contribute to the world. I say this because of the vague sense of family being there -- but they are not there. The people in the house (general and unidentified aspects of you) don't really matter. The green stuff would be things growing in you. The fire would be massive expansion. And you intentionally put it out using water and it doesn't matter where the water came from. So you stopped the expansion and it didn't matter how that was done. What if the water represents your life experiences and emotions? What would that say about how you view your contribution to the creative, growing nature of your life? You could be sabotaging your creativity and just not care that you are doing it because you don't think you are important anyway. The second part of the dream contains a clue to perhaps why you may be procrastinating on producing something in your life (that is of course if my first assessment was in the ballpark.) There is a fear of going somewhere you really want to go because you are afraid of what you might find there. Apparently you also have the information needed to understand that your fears are unfounded. So that says to me that you do have an idea about what you want to do with your life but are afraid to act even in light of having the needed information. It's easier and very comfortable to return to the perceived safety of what is known. I believe this is the thing that keeps coming back to "bite you". You know that ease and comfort will not realize your dreams. I don't understand the last piece you put in there. What place were you leaving? If it was realizing that the dangers of "Australia" were false and leaving to go there, then that is productive. You would face your fear and do what you desire in your heart. If it is that you leave that space of recognizing you are holding yourself back and perhaps wasting your life and you decide to go back to your old ways -- not so productive. So that's my take on the imagery presented. Kind of general I know, but I do not know you or anything about your life. Let me know what you think.

Worrying about not saying anything rude -- that's exactly what I'm talking about. I would get so caught up in whether what I wanted to say would be rude or inappropriate that I always ended up saying nothing. A few years ago, maybe 2008, I was working as a contractor at a county health clinic. I was walking to lunch with the site Project Manager and she was talking about her dog that had died. She was really upset about it. I don't remember what I said but she just looked at me like I was insane and turned to the other person who was with us and continued her conversation. I still don't remember what I said. I just know that it was very inappropriate based on her reaction. She didn't know what to say and I didn't know what to say so she just moved on -- thank goodness. I'm still not very good at social interaction but I'm getting better. Greatest tip I picked up from books I read was to ask questions. And Stef is always talking about asking questions. You really can't go wrong in an interaction when you are asking questions about someone else and their life. I didn't learn any of that from "experience". My sister was pretty good at social interaction too and I don't know why. We had the same parents. I learned what I know from reading books and listening to audiobooks -- and only a few years ago. If you only get that one thing -- ask questions about them and their lives -- that will serve you well. You ask one question and off they go on their "story". Then you can ask more questions based on what they have already told you. I learned a lot about social interaction. I'm actually fairly comfortable now in social situations because I can always fall back on asking questions. Do you have people you don't really know very well telling you their life stories within 5 minutes or so? I used to get that all the time and I couldn't understand why. Now I think it is because I never talked and only listened. I got really good at listening. People would just go on an on. Some of it was pretty interesting too. I was at a job interview once and the person interviewing me started talking to me after the interview was officially over. Within 5 minutes she was telling me about issues in her marriage and her dilemma about whether she was going to continue after 14 years or so with her husband. She truly wanted my advice as if I was some authority on her life after only meeting her that day. That's just one example. (Oh and I got the job too.) On a side note, there is a really funny Star Trek Next Generation episode where Data is learning "small talk" for social events. It is hilarious and a little sad too when you realize how shallow some people are when they only know how to do "small talk". I find your sharing here quite delightful.

Calling the show is always good. Just don't expect to make positive, long-lasting, life changes in one phone call.

I don't know how you get being lazy out of that. It sounds like you were never taught social skills. I was the same way and I grew up in the US. I never had a real friend in my entire school life - or adult life for that matter. Sometimes I associated with people that hung out with my sister, 2 years younger than me. Part of my problem was my thoughts were so complex and deep that I had no idea how to bring up subjects that were of interest to me and no one else talked about them. I had no practice in basic conversation skills. This may sound odd, but I was probably 50 years old before I learned what to say to someone who had experienced a death in the family. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's a simple statement, right? That's all I needed to say. But I was mute with people because I didn't know how to say those simple words. The skill to start a conversion and discuss a topic that had real meaning for me was an impossible task when I could only minimally discuss the weather. If I had it to do over again, I'd read some books. The type of book that sounded shallow to me what I was younger is exactly the kind of book I eventually found helpful. I know people in this community do not find "self help" books particularly useful, but I did and still do - though I am more selective now than in the past. You'll get better suggestions on psychology reading material from others on the board. I am still new to those as I am trying to overcome bias from bad college experiences with psychology bullshit teachers.

I think you may be aware that you are thinking irrationally -- but if not, you are thinking irrationally. The way you are describing the events reminds of when I was 2 or maybe even a little younger and I exploded in temper tantrums often. I never learned impulse control. I was reckless as a teenager and young adult. I ruined my life for many years and worse yet, brought two children into the mix and their lives are forever damaged because of me and my irrational choices as a teenager. I just wanted to get out of the house because my mother was a stupid bitch and knew nothing about what life is really about. My guess is that something happened when you were very little and you are playing it out again. I would say remember that you are older now and have more control and can make your own decisions. Get angry and really feel it. But beware that just getting the hell out of the house can lead to disaster if you do not have a plan and are simply striking out in anger. Yes, get out ASAP if that's what you think you need to do. But have a rational plan. I think I have repeated that enough times for today. What does being an adult look like for you? What do you value? How can you get there? Who will help you? Is there anyone else that can assist you in reaching your ideals -- someone who will listen and is mature enough to give useful advice. Oh wait, that might be Stef. Call into the show. And I emphasize useful advice because if you rely on others in your peer group, you are asking for advice from others that have no more experience than you do with what it takes to live on your own. Are you in therapy? Have you asked your mother to help you with that?

I'm so sorry for the crap you have experienced and I appreciate your sharing. You need therapy. There is nothing you can do here to help yourself or your children IMO. If I were you, I would begin immediately looking for a therapist if you have not already. Look and keep looking until you find someone who can help you. The issues you are talking about are deep and multiple. You need professional help.

Wow. Very powerful. Sharing . . .

Hello Brian, I have no expertise in your situation. I just want to say I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time and good on you for reaching out. I think it is a very interesting topic and I recommend getting on the show with Stef. I've had and continue to have similar thoughts about not being interesting enough for this or that. When I hear those thoughts (and I get them a lot now as I am podcasting every other week), I feel it is self-attack on my worth as a human being. I can now stop immediately though it hasn't been so in the past. In the past the self-attack thoughts kept me from moving on my desires but not any more. The thoughts are sometimes relentless and I do not try to stop them. I just acknowledge them and move on with the task at hand. They become muted to a soft buzz in the background. Sorry I got off topic there. I look forward to hearing your progress. Okay, I read your post through again and did come up with some thoughts on it. I find both of the therapist responses that you paraphrased to be quite cold toward the children. And perhaps I would need more detail. I find myself wondering why the therapists did not suggest family counseling. There are issues that those children have that need to be worked out. And I am confused about how you can love your wife and she you -- and yet there is no caring for each other's offspring. Caring in the sense that you would go to any length to support each other in all things -- like working out the differences between the children. There is so much that could be learned about communication, negotiation, and what it means to be a wife, husband, and parent. And again, I am no expert. I am not walking in your shoes. So I am just wondering out loud.

This thread is actually disturbing to me. A question was asked. And when Existing Alternatives replies, multiple lines are quoted. However, the answer that was given by multiple persons regarding bonding has been ignored at least three times perhaps more as Existing Alternatives started a previous thread on a similar topic where the same answer was given there. And now there is a response that the question actually arises from a "smart-ass" remark by Adam Kokesh that sticks with him. Anyone can say they are peaceful parenting on a board like this one. But I truly do not see that in this post except that the words were typed. Everything that came after is a testimony that peaceful parenting is not being practiced. I will restate that peaceful parenting is more than not spanking, It requires gathering information and re-educating yourself via books, seminars, classes, etc put together by people who have expertise in the subject. Existing Alternatives, I have not seen you post any evidence that you are peaceful parenting. There are multiple books, websites and blogs that have information on peaceful parenting and how to deal with your question. You haven't mentioned anything you've gotten from them. But you choose to follow a nagging thought generated by someone you admit is not even known in the field and try to include his "smart-ass off-the-cuff remark" in your "peaceful parenting". I applaud your desire and call you out on putting it into practice. You have another thread where your child felt misunderstood and how to deal with it. Now you are over here chasing down how and when you can stop supporting him. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone. I simply cannot sit back and say "oh how great thou art" because someone typed the words "I'm on board with peaceful parenting."

Adam Kokesh -- really? I had no idea he was an authority on parenting. Did he mention studies supporting his position? I would be interested in looking at them as this seems contradictory to current evidence. I'll have to look up that video.

I think you are missing the point about why a child is the victim of bullying. It is the lack of parental bond that even allows that to happen. If your child has a deep bond with you, there will be no "radar" for the bullies to pick up on. Stef has mentioned this often. Your child would never be in this situation if the bond exists. Additionally, the fact that you are preparing for your child getting in a situation where they might have to make a choice about whether to "run to mommy" or not has interesting implications. You are apparently planning for the event to occur. Therefore, I must assume that you are also taking steps to make sure your plan is fulfilled. Based on my above statement, if you have a bond with your child, you would need to break it to ensure success. An even worse idea that I am getting from the way your question is stated is that you used having an altercation which resulted in a threat (i.e. run to mommy and you will be further ostracized) and "working out differences" as the same thing. And finally, you are looking to "draw the line" between parental authority and teaching your child to be independent. I believe, therein lies the root of your problem. What books have you read? How are you educating yourself as a peaceful parent? Not spanking is a great start. But what are you replacing that with? I suggest a call in to the show and a chat with Stef to get some clarity on this. Your child's future is at stake.

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a time of it. Hang in there. Hopefully, your therapist will be able to help. My experience is that not being able to focus, forgetting things, feeling like i am about to have a complete mental breakdown, feeling like there is a crazy person that lives inside my head that is trying to possess me all come about because of the tremendous amount of emotion stirring in me. This seems very similar to to what you are describing. Personally, I had to get it out to be able to think clearly again. Backed up emotional energy makes it impossible for me to think rationally. GET IT OUT. That's what I say to myself. So these examples are some of what I use on an as-needed basis. Journaling, free writing where I just write and write and write whatever I think of, listening to music and singing or humming loudly (singing is a particularly powerful method for me) Also, dancing to the music until I drop works. Being out in nature helps when I am at the farm. Walking with bare feet in the grass is particularly calming. I feel the grass. I listen to the sounds of the bugs. I watch a sunset or full moon rising if available etc. and I let the tears come. You need to find ways to move the emotional energy out. Then you can look at it and make decisions about what to do next. And Josh makes a very good point above with the self-attack. In order for me to do the things I mentioned above, I had to stop the self-attack. That came first. Stop the self-attack then be with the emotions until they run out. No self-attack for having the feelings and no self-attack for how many times you have to take action and no self-attack for how long each expression of emotion lasts. That's my recipe. My remedy for alcohol craving is to remind myself "I don't drink alcohol". Not that I am an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic or anything like that. I simply affirm that "I don't drink alcohol" is who I am. I used the same technique for smoking. "I don't smoke cigarettes". I still have cravings for that also but it has been so many years that it is very weak now. My identity of "I don't drink alcohol" is old but also still new due to a relapse when I thought it was OK to let that thought go. It was not Ok and never will be and I remind myself a lot. I imagine someone offering me a glass of wine or a beer at a social gathering and I imagine myself saying "No thanks, I don't drink alcohol". No apologies or hanging my head because I have problems will alcohol.It is just who I am. This is very hard after coming home from a difficult day at work but it worked in the past and is working for me again. My husband is on board with me and if I suggest stopping to get some wine or beer (that's where it always starts for me) he will say "We don't drink alcohol". And I will say, "You know what? You're right. We don't drink alcohol." I really appreciate his support. Hopefully, your wife is supportive in that way. If not, ask her to join you in creating that identity. It is very empowering. My husband's input makes getting through that little time period after work when I just really want to give in really easy. I have found that the time period really is small and it passes quickly with just that little bit of support. Feel free to private message me any time. Especially if you need a reminder like "We don't drink alcohol".

It is called Village Wisdom Podcast and available via iTunes here -- https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/village-wisdom-podcast/id916496501 The target audience is young women and teens so may not be appropriate for most here. I felt that I needed to fill in that gap a little bit in educating about peaceful parenting. And specifically I felt I needed to offer the wisdom from my own mistakes to hopefully make a difference in at least one child's life. My children are grown and have children of their own and I cannot get their childhood's back for them. However, i can reach other young women and attempt to stop them from making the mistake of having a child when you are still a child. I'm no philosopher but I have lots of life experience to share. I'm completely on board with peaceful parenting and working diligently to help that movement progress forward at an even more rapid pace. A more important focus of the podcast is being prepared -- really, really prepared -- for marriage or life partnership and having children. Peaceful parenting will be a no-brainer for these women. Thanks for listening and please post reviews and comments on iTunes as they will expect it and bug me about it. More importantly, it will help me get the word out.

So the title of this thread indicates that the child was hurt by the behavior of his peers. I believe that is why you got so much feedback about bullies. Is the title of the post what he actually said? If so, he did feel bullied and you need to be honest with yourself about that. Again, I say you need to support your child's emotional experience. I do not see in your statements that you have explored the emotion that he was experiencing. Ask him questions. What were his feelings? Was he feeling isolated? Was he feeling inferior? Was he feeling picked on? What was his experience? Get him to talk about the feelings. What were they like? Was there anxiety? Did he experience fear? etc. etc. etc. I believe you need more information but not from us. You need more information from your son. You simply cannot address or advise him if you do not fully understand his experience. It is his experience that he needs to respond to -- not the actions of the others. There is nothing he can do about the actions of others. He can only learn to address his own issues and build security within himself through your support and guidance. You can tell him to act this way or that way. Do this or do that. But the real issue is why was he hurt by what they did? What is he missing in his own security about himself? About who he is? Please keep us posted on your/his progress.

OMG that's horrible. 1st grade? My very first thought is hold him, hold him, hold him. He's six. So little and vulnerable. Empathize with that pain. Acknowledge that pain. Comfort him. Comfort him and let him feel that security and understanding you provide. Those are all my first thoughts. You've probably already done that but I just finished reading an article about a 14-year-old that committed suicide at school and the horror of it is still with me. Why didn't his parents know how much pain he was in? Why did he feel so alone that suicide was the only way to stop the pain? Teaching him to deal with the bullies is important but secondary in my opinion to him knowing you will always be there for him to hold him when he hurts. End of rant. So sorry he is having that experience. Please let us know how it goes. Others will need the information. And I will definitely be passing along any nuggets you post.

That's some really good insight. Do you have plans for how to use the information or is it more of a gauge or status report on your progress?

I look forward to seeing your full analysis on this. Since I don't know you at all I went with the symbolism I saw without regard to individual personality. And of course it's coming through my filter and will never be completely accurate. But I must say that the feedback on a few things that you verified as accurate is uplifting. I used to be pretty good at working with people and their dreams. Perhaps I'll pick it up again and see where it goes. Again, looking forward to your interp and thanks for sharing.

Hey, I'll give it a try. I love dream interpretation. I haven't done it in a while except for my own but here goes. I'm from a different dream interpretation camp than Stef with people in dreams. I think of them as various aspects of the individual having the dream. And I see how they interact with each other as how you are approaching working with your own idea of yourself. My interpretation of dreams is based on the idea that we as human beings are constantly trying to learn and evolve our consciousness and the dreams are giving us information to facilitate that growth. So there's the FBI agent and the photographer taking pictures of secret stuff. So if both of these are aspects of you, then you have one part that is like an authority figure in charge trying to keep the other part quiet. So I would think of that as one aspect of yourself remaining in charge and having control over what aspects of your life are investigated. I would think of the photographer as part of you that notices things that others might not notice. That aspect might perceive things about yourself and others that goes beyond the normal daily noticing of stuff. So the FBI guy wants control of that information. In the symbol language that I use the train would be a group or organization that you are affiliated with. Something with lots of people having a similar direction in life. so it could be a job or it could be this forum -- anything where there is a common purpose or direction for the group. It's interesting that the car that you are in has no one in it and that you are flying high. I would interpret that as you being aware that you have experiences within the group or organization that others do not. You also are "above" the world. I suspect you have a lot of respect for your own knowledge -- your intelligence and ability to think, etc. So this is an important awareness because you definitely have the ability to make good use of the information you are receiving. And I would say the information from both parts -- FBI and photographer are central to your intelligence and continued growth in self awareness. The tussle and possible death of the photographer is interesting because death would indicate to me a change within that aspect of yourself with death being a transition in dreams. When something dies in nature it returns to the earth and supplies nutrients or building blocks for the next creation. And the change would seem to have to do with keeping secrets. You making a decision about how to move forward with new information in your life. I would say that these secrets would be secrets about you, your personality, your understanding of yourself, etc. So considering changing the way that you are approaching your growth in understanding. Then there is an awareness that while you are struggling with trying to control the photographer aspect of yourself, considering whether to change, you are missing opportunities that would help you in your quest for knowledge and self understanding. The lights are like awareness. The UFO would be something about yourself that you have not fully identified. You are aware that there is more to you but you still do not know much about it. The inner struggle between your FBI agent and photographer self is distracting you and detracting from wondrous new discoveries. You yank the photographer back inside and it's like you are talking to yourself here. You are saying that you need to have this photographer part of you that is seeking information and the FBI investigator who is also looking for data working together. You struggle further and he gets away. This seems to be some indication that you are not exactly sure how to work with this part of yourself. You are trying to control it but it refuses to be controlled and escapes. There is awareness of not handling yourself well when confronting new evidence and the truth it might give. So sometimes the truth slips away. I love the transition to the photographer part of you. That's like empathy for yourself. You can now see how this part of you works. This is the clue to working with the photographer aspect. Or it could be showing what is holding the photographer back from cooperating with you. Evacuating to an old school. Obvious symbol of learning. And the place of learning within you is an old place. It's like an old way of learning. And there is a sense of safety there. That makes sense as we are most comfortable with the familiar. It's like you are holding yourself back from transforming your learning opportunities into something more appropriate for the present day. The authorities that actually arrive are typical professors. I think barricading yourself in and trying to hold on to old ways of doing things is what you are doing in this dream. This is the part of the photographer that would need to change. It seems to me that there are areas of your life where you are still holding on to old ideas that you learned in the past. You fear the change that the ethical and moral part of you is capable of making. You may be relying on old information and just repeating that old information. I get that from you going to the lecture hall to possibly learn about liberty. Of course it could go the other way as well where you are learning new information to help you to transition to the next step. So that's my story of your dream. What do you think? I need more practice at this and I appreciate you giving me the opportunity.

Perhaps contradictory is not the correct term to use. Just above you state: "I am still not sure that you can practice empathy to gain proficiency in it" and then you write that you think it is a choice. I agree. Choosing to experience empathy is a choice. So making a choice over and over is practicing. After a while you can do it more easily. That is what I meant when I used the word contradictory. It's like you say something "is not" this and then say "it is this" and they are the same thing. Also, not to criticize, but just to note. My experience of your communication is quite harsh. And I do not say this for myself. I say it for you. I believe you are quite harsh on yourself and it shows up in your expression in writing. However, it is writing and I could be totally off base with that. Emotion is not effectively communicated in this kind of interaction. Words without the sound and visual accompaniment can easily be misconstrued. So sorry you had such a rough time. Are you in counseling? I'm sure you know that if you are not it would certainly help. Again, so sorry for your situation and loss of your childhood. Are you and your brother out of danger now?

Practice is how you become good at anything, including empathy. It's tricky because it requires really deep listening, an identification of the feelings in the other, and a response to the feelings identified - which is subjective. I mean to say, what is an appropriate response? Also, empathy is not always used to identify negative experiences. You can experience the joy of another as well. I cannot say whether you are "good at empathy" via these kinds of posts. In my experience, it would require much more direct contact to know that. I was just curious whether you thought you were or not. In some of your responses it seemed you were very familiar with it and in other places it seemed more of an intellectual understanding and not so much personal experience. I could see in your writing some kind of confusion or struggle within you because of the contradictory nature of some of your statements. Sounds like you have some issues at home. Sorry to hear about your brother's abuse. Were you abused as well? It seems likely but I do not want to assume.

Just curious. Do you consider yourself good at being empathetic?

Hi Jake, Before commenting on your plans I would need more information like your long-term future plans. Things like are you planning to have a farm of your own? Do you want a family? Are you going to be a permaculture consultant? You might need some business savvy for that. What is your time-line for "the plan"? etc. Also, tell me more about your current opportunity. Are you Canadian? What is your role on the farm and what do you want to gain from the experience? etc. Love Fukuoka's stuff. And love living in Virginia as we have Joel Salatin doing some great political stuff for small farms. Not like getting free stuff, but getting the regulations relaxed so we can sell stuff from the farm without FDA/USDA burdens. I think it just might happen. As long as we have the evil government, it's good to have someone on our side. I look forward to hearing more.

You are describing the female communication style fairly accurately. We do tend to communicate more easily with other women but that is only because women understand how women communicate. There is one correction that I would make. If you deviate from the "format" she is not feeling threatened and insecure. She is likely upset that you interrupted her unwinding mechanism and feels you are not listening to her. Women often talk to reduce stress. They do not want advice. They do not want whatever problem they are talking about to be fixed. They only want to talk until they run down. And they want empathy while they do it. You simply cannot have an intelligent conversation when she is in unwind mode. During the unwind you could try some questioning like Stef does on the call-in shows. "how does that feel?" "what are you feeling right now?" "wow, that sounds really painful". "I'm sorry you're having such a bad experience" "tell me more" and so on. Practice empathy. That would definitely help with getting the stress out. And would give her the opportunity to explore her emotions more deeply. You really only need to refrain from trying to fix the problem. It's about the emotions, not about the specific problems and situations that she is talking about. Those are just stories to move the emotion.