villagewisdom

Hi Jake, Good post. I also find Stef's references to farming a little out of touch with the eat local, small farm, sustainable, permaculture models currently gaining ground. I have heard these references several times and have come to the conclusion that Stef thinks of farming the way that most of the US thinks of farming and that is as a manufacturing industry. I see that you know that ultimately it is not a manufacturing industry and never will be as it is not sustainable due to the laws of nature. Sustainable and permaculture are being proven the way to feed the world. I also find that references such as "nobody wants to do the labor" are also inaccurate. I know of lots of people from your age to mine (59) that are getting into agriculture because of the lifestyle. I have big plans to work hard until I drop. Rather than doing boring stuff at the gym, I find walking a few miles over the farm while moving and checking on animals is great exercise. Today I turned quite a few wheels of cheese that weigh 12 pounds a piece. Much more satisfying that lifting weights. When we get to full production on cheese, I will likely be lifting and turning 12 pound cheeses for an hour at a time. That's actually more exercise than most would do at the fitness center. I love what I do. And it is hard work. Hard work has really been demonized. It's like people think that you can't be intelligent and also do hard labor. It's just not true. Have you heard of Joel Salatin? Extremely intelligent and an excellent farmer. He's also a libertarian. Have you read "the Unsettling of America, Culture and Agriculture" by Wendell Berry? It's a good read. He has some good arguments that are different than Stef's about why we went from 80% farmers to 2%. There are lots of people your age or maybe a little older that are trying to get into sustainable agriculture and permaculture. I've met a few. It's your life. Do with it as you please. I'd love to hear more of your plans. It's exciting to see young people like you working to make a difference in our messed up food system.

I could definitely get the man to woman example of listen and ask questions. It takes effort for a man to do that in my experience. And I have to ask and ask a lot of times and remain calm while asking and not come across as nagging. So I can see the desire and action there on the man's part to contribute to and grow the relationship by going outside of his comfort zone. But the example of the woman to man seemed condescending to me. I think the concept was valid but I didn't see the same desire to love her man as I saw in the example of the man loving the woman. I am a woman so maybe I missed something. But I distinctly remember my mother doing something like this. But as I watched her with my child eyes, I could tell she was just placating my dad and not really respecting him. She thought of him as just too dumb to know any better and so she just let it go. I know this had an effect on me as evidenced by my lack of respect for men in my early relationships. I still struggle with it a lot. I do not believe that it is unique to my mother and subsequently to me. I believe that attitude is quite widespread in the feminine among us. And I say that because of the current war on men being waged by feminists and some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths. In my experience a better example for the woman's scenario would have been to acknowledge that he brought her the fish. Acknowledge the things that he does for her. Anyway, those are some of my thoughts. What do you think?

If it is 40 clients and he sees them once every 2 weeks, it would fit the model that LovePrevails described. Also some practices are driven by corporate requirements for the number of patients they see. In other words, they work for a hospital or practice group that dictates their work schedule. The corporate entity would have them sign a contract to meet a certain level of patient load as an employment condition.

Wipe your ass with left hand in India as well. So anyone seeing you use your left hand for eating would be disgusted and shy away from anything you touched. I'm sure it made hygienic sense to them at the time. Now it is just another part of their society and I believe it is still enforced to this day.

I responded once to one of the memes supporting hitting children to teach them discipline and respect. My post was simple. "Your children do not obey you because they respect you. They obey you because they fear you."

Had a dream with Stef in it last night and just want to share. In the dream I was sitting at a table with Stef on the left side of the table relative to me. We were having a chat like he would do on the call in show. At first I wasn't making eye contact and was reading supporting evidence to him from a book or something instead of connecting emotionally. I caught myself and engaged. He asked some questions. I dove into the issue and identified a painful experience, acknowledged it and felt some relief. I remember a little bit of the dream before that and it had to do with me communicating with my sister. That's about all I remember. I wish I could remember the topic we discussed at the table but alas I was so caught up in the fact that I was having a talk with Stef and having a breakthrough that I do not remember what the breakthrough was. Likely it had to do with me remembering a day or so ago that, as a child of 8 or so, I hit my sister on the head with a plastic toy rake because I was very angry. I'm not even sure I was angry at her. It split her scalp and she was really bleeding. I also remember once when I was only a little more than 2 and she was a very small infant that I pushed her stroller off the porch. My mom had stepped back just inside the door to get something, my two older brothers had run off to the car or somewhere and could not see me. I pushed the stroller. There was a burst of anger with that experience too. Afterward I remember being really horrified that I might have hurt her badly. My mom screamed and it was a bit of chaos for a moment. I think my sister was alright but it was really scary and terrifying for a while. And I had caused it all. But my mom did not know I had done it. She was horrified that she had not secured the stroller. I felt all kinds of stuff during those few moments. My sister is in Texas and I am in Virginia and/or South Carolina. I wanted to see her in person but that is not likely to happen soon so I have it on my weekend agenda to talk to her via phone and apologize for all the horrible things I did to her when we were kids and open a new dialogue. We are not estranged but I feel it is important to start this conversation anyway. Okay so I sort of went on a tangent from the actual dream. But I think it is likely that the topic of discussion with Stef may have been those experiences and what would make me want to hurt my sister. I think that because that is where I got to in my self-investigation a couple of days ago. Looking forward to your thoughts and perspective on this.

I love the vaccine debate. it just goes on and on. I'm glad my children are grown and I don't have to make this choice. I might look into a few of them, but most I would skip. When I was growing up, children were purposely exposed to measles, mumps, and chicken pox (and possible others) so the kids could get the virus, get it over with, and be immunized for life. (Yes, I'm sure I'm pretty old for this group). So the idea that there were huge fears in the 20th century regarding children dying from these diseases is an interesting turn of events. Just the simple fact that there is government force involved raises tremendous red flags for me. You can throw "scientific studies" in my face all day long. Who paid for those studies? All of the evidence points to government coercion to get, and keep, someone in office and to funnel dollars to academia and the pharmaceutical industry. So they might work and they might not. They might be harmful and they might not. The government does not give a shit about the health of you or your children. You and I are left arguing the point and they just keep collecting your taxes. I particularly love the polio scare tactics and the use of FDR (the person, not this site) as an example. Take a look at this page from the Mayo Clinic website. They clearly state that the " the vast majority of people who are infected with the poliovirus don't become sick and are never aware they've been infected with polio." So "the vast majority" are not affected but the stories I hear would have me believe that the entire world is in danger and if I or my children get this deadly disease we are automatically going to be crippled. SymptomsBy Mayo Clinic Staff Multimedia [*] Although polio can cause paralysis and death, the vast majority of people who are infected with the poliovirus don't become sick and are never aware they've been infected with polio. Nonparalytic polioSome people who develop symptoms from the poliovirus contract nonparalytic polio — a type of polio that doesn't lead to paralysis (abortive polio). This usually causes the same mild, flu-like signs and symptoms typical of other viral illnesses. Signs and symptoms, which generally last one to 10 days, include: Fever Sore throat Headache Vomiting Fatigue Back pain or stiffness Neck pain or stiffness Pain or stiffness in the arms or legs Muscle weakness or tenderness Meningitis Paralytic polioIn rare cases, poliovirus infection leads to paralytic polio, the most serious form of the disease. Paralytic polio has several types, based on the part of your body that's affected — your spinal cord (spinal polio), your brainstem (bulbar polio) or both (bulbospinal polio). Initial signs and symptoms of paralytic polio, such as fever and headache, often mimic those of nonparalytic polio. Within a week, however, signs and symptoms specific to paralytic polio appear, including: Loss of reflexes Severe muscle aches or weakness Loose and floppy limbs (flaccid paralysis), often worse on one side of the body Post-polio syndromePost-polio syndrome is a cluster of disabling signs and symptoms that affect some people several years — an average of 35 years — after they had polio. Common signs and symptoms include: Progressive muscle or joint weakness and pain General fatigue and exhaustion after minimal activity Muscle atrophy Breathing or swallowing problems Sleep-related breathing disorders, such as sleep apnea Decreased tolerance of cold temperatures Cognitive problems, such as concentration and memory difficulties Depression or mood swings When to see a doctorBe sure to check with your doctor for polio vaccination recommendations before traveling to a part of the world where polio may still occur naturally, or where oral polio vaccine (OPV) is still used, such as Central and South America, Africa and Asia. In countries that use the OPV — vaccine made with live, but weakened (attenuated) polio virus — the risk of paralytic polio to travelers is extremely low, but not zero. Additionally, call your doctor if: Your child hasn't completed the series of polio vaccinations Your child experiences an allergic reaction after receiving polio vaccine Your child has problems other than a mild redness or soreness at the vaccine injection site You have questions about adult vaccination or other concerns about polio immunization You had polio years ago and are now experiencing unexplained weakness and fatigue _________________ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/polio/basics/symptoms/con-20030957

Stopping yourself from thinking is simply not possible. That's like trying to make your heart stop beating. Additionally, I have never been able to make a commitment to "not" do something and make it stick. The commitments that work for me are to "do" something not to "not do" something. If I think to myself "don't think about monkeys", I immediately think about monkeys just to understand the thought. And then if I think "stop thinking about monkeys", I immediately think about monkeys again. On the other hand, if I say "I'm going to focus on this job interview", I focus on the job interview. And if the thought of monkeys comes to me, I think "I'm going to focus on the job interview.". I second the Eckhart Tolle recommendation. Also it is my opinion that it is not possible for a personality to be "scatter-brained". I consider it self-attack. We all have the power to choose what we think. We may not know how to exercise that power or are unskilled at making it happen consistently, but we do have it. There are ways to develop concentration skills. It takes practice and may be more difficult for you because of the traumas. But it is certainly within your capabilities. Sorry for the loss of your roommate.

So sorry to hear that your heart is broken. Sounds like you and she have made some really bad choices. How is your son? And do you have a plan for your next steps?

My personal experience with that 20% is to "kill them with kindness". It's really hard for people to continue to be rude to someone who is polite to their rudeness. And I don't mean pretending to be polite and cowering or bowing your head. I mean actually being polite. As long as you are strong in yourself, you can be strong in your presentation and you can have a profound effect. For anyone watching it will be clear to them the difference between an asshole and a civilized human being. It may be the most important experience for them that day. More importantly, you become strong in who you are, no matter the circumstances. You see? It is not about them. The world is full of unaware people. You can give them an example of what it looks like to fully present and comfortable with yourself in any circumstance. And if they do not see, what does it matter to you? You've just completed another exercise in living up to your own standards. Check. Example Customer: "the service here sucks. where's my order" You: "I'm sorry you feel that way. Can I get you anything else while you are waiting?" Customer: "hell no, just bring me my stuff" You: "I'll bring it as soon as it is ready." walk away. What just happened? The customer was rude. You empathized and asked how to help. Customer wanted no help. You move on. The customer's rudeness is not a reflection of your "customer service". Customer service is not really about the customer at all. It is about you living up to your highest standards. It takes practice to maintain your own sense of self in the face of others. Sounds like you are "working hard" on it. The skill will serve you well in days to come. I would love to hear of your progress and interactions.

Mostly I listen to music because it reflects and/or enhances my current emotional and mental state or "mood". However, I have purposely used music to move my thoughts and feelings to a different place. My experience is that I can use music similar to a blanket or some other object of comfort. Do I want to be warmer or cooler? Do I want to cover up or uncover? Do I want to be cooler because I'm already cold and want to feel it more strongly? And so on. The music itself has no power over me (or you for that matter). However, I can use the way that the music resonates within my body to enhance any given feeling. I can also use the way the music resonates within my body to move my mental and emotional perspective to another place that I determine. The bottom line is that I still choose. I am the one that decides what I will feel. If I'm feeling down, I can really dive into that with some really sad and mournful music. Or I can pick something uplifting. Sometimes I might be so down that I really want to stay sad and fully experience that sadness. Again, It's my choice. Because I recognize that choice, I find music useful for delving into my various traumas to get in touch with my feelings. Sometimes when I'm listening to a piece of music for the first time it will evoke an emotional response spontaneously. It is my choice what I do with that. Will I investigate further into what was triggered in me. Or will I just enjoy a poignant experience because I am a human. Again, my choice about whether it is significant and needs attention or whether it is simply me being me. One final note that is not directly related to listening to music but is related to music and emotions as a whole. When I listen to music the emotion stays inside of me. When I sing the emotion moves through me and out into the world. I use singing to get myself "unstuck" from something I am holding inside. There's more to that but I will refrain from including it here. Hope that helps. And thanks for asking the question. It was a really good one for me to contemplate.

These two sentences do not make sense to me. They appear unrelated to each other. Perhaps there is a sentence missing from the middle that would help. Tell me more.

Hi Thanks for the feedback. The information about the difference between "having sex" and "sharing sex" is new and interesting. I'll investigate that more. I'm curious about why you suggested printing the post, sharing it with him and getting his response. We have talked openly about all of the things I wrote about. Please elaborate.

Hi, I'm new to the forum. So forgive me if I am too forward. I feel for you. My husband is similar and truly believes he is contributing much more to the marriage than I am because he works so hard. He also believes that if he works just a little bit harder and a little bit longer hours that I will be happy. I kid you not. He really believes that. And even though I tell him that he is mistaken, he does not believe me and so continues to work and work. And he actually blames me for having so many desires that he cannot fulfill no matter how hard he works. My husband has some really odd ideas about what I want and what will "please" me. (I've told him that the fact that he thinks I need to be "pleased" irritates me.) He used to ask me what I wanted. And I would tell him what I wanted. I have had to be blunt in recent times and tell him that all of his ideas about what I want in our relationship are incorrect but he continues to do the same things. Work a little harder. Work more hours. This has been going on for several years. We are approaching our 9th anniversary. Recently I asked him what he thought his life would be like if he spent all of these hours and hours working to build our farm and in the end he turned around and I was gone and he had no one to share his creation with. Unfortunately he just thought I was threatening to leave him and missed my point that the physical structures were only important if we have an actual relationship where we can share them. I had a real break through with him the other night. I finally got him to admit that at this point we have no relationship. We are no longer connecting. We exist together but are like two ships passing in the night, This was very hard for both of us. It was raw honesty. He kept insisting that we have this "deep connection". I kept saying that we USED TO HAVE a "deep connection". We. Do. Not. Have. A. Connection. We no longer have fun. We no longer have sex. We rarely have a conversation that does not end in an argument about some trivial thing. There is no connection. There is only the memory of the beautiful connection we used to have. I just kept saying it over and over. He came over and sat in front of me and was very tender and tried to convince me that we are still connected. I was quite blunt and told him that he was imagining that I was connected with him and it was only in his imagination. I don't think that I am saying this very clearly because it was very profound. He was describing our "connection" like a strong radio signal with some static in the transmission that was a bit annoying and would clear up. I realized he just kept putting up with the annoying static but had no plan on how it would clear up. I was describing a completely dropped cell phone signal. Just pretending we still had just as strong a connection as when we started was just really stupid to me. I then proceeded to apologize for making the choice to pursue our relationship when I was aware that pursuing personal growth was central to my being and while growth was important to him, he also resisted change. I admitted that I had seen it and I ignored it. I pretended that he would grow with the same ease that I did. And because I did that, we are now in the current situation that I find increasingly unbearable. I apologized for the hurt that my choice was causing him. Stating the truth of my conscious choice for disconnection due to his resistance to change and making the apology changed his whole perspective on the situation. The shift was almost palpable. I could almost see the dominoes of everything that I had been saying over the past three or four years falling, He got it. He really got it. I have hope that re-connection will occur. Even though we do not have children as you do, we have invested a lot in our lives together and I have new hope that we will repair the damage and be better for it. John Gray's books are helping quite a bit. It has taken over two years to get him to read/listen to the audiobooks. But he is finally doing it. And apparently he is getting some pretty good ideas. I have noticed subtle differences in his interactions with me for the past few days. I have hope. You have described a very tough situation. I would suggest getting a different therapist if possible. A third party to mediate would be beneficial but it does not sound like that is happening with your current therapist. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.