villagewisdom

I hear you. There is a lot there. There is a lot to your story. I'm here to listen. As far as walking, it means going outside and walking down the street. That's it. Nothing complicated. Just walking. I'm not a psychologist and can't really help you with the deep emotional issues you are describing with your parents. There is anger there that needs to come out. I can see that. But then there is a point afterwards when you give up trying to decide whose fault it is or whose issue it is. I did this "trying to decide who to give responsibility to" for many years. I used to be very far into the new agey energy stuff. Like people's negative energy can affect you. And perhaps is does. But the bottom line is that I don't care whose energy has me staring at the ceiling ruminating about how bad my life sucks and how bad I am as a person because I can't seem to cope and how the world is fucked up and no one cares and it's never going to change . . . the bottom line is that I need to get up and face it. Not knowing if it is me or someone else just keeps me immobile. It doesn't matter. What matters is doing something different. If you find out that someone elsewas a major contributor, get them the hell out of your life - or at the very least just move on. There you've addressed it. You've done something. If it's your own responsibility, same thing applies. Do something. I can hear in your story that there are many expericnes in your childhood that have contributed to your state today. I have lots too. An advantage I have is that I am much older and have moved on past many of them. I have gotten past many of my childhood issues. It takes time. And of course professional help is a great benefit. I've used it a couple of times during my life at various points where I felt it was useful. i never did the long term therapy like Stef talks about. I've relied on self-help. I know that is not popular on this forum, but it has worked quite well for me. Anyway, the biggest key I learned over the years was to look at my situation and see how I was acting like a child. Perhaps 8 or 10 or 2 or 5. I would explore the feeling -- not the circumstances and details of the event. The feelings would be something like shame or fear or anger or sadness or helplessness (big one for me). Then I would look at the situation and see that something today was triggering the same feeling. Perhaps being made fun of on the playground or something like that and feeling helpless to make the situation change. Not knowing what to say or do to fit in and not get into these situations where I was bullied. So as an adult I might be worried that I made a mistake in a social interaction or at work and I would keep playing it over and over in my mind and wishing I had done or said something different -- and it would trigger that same feeling of helplessness to know what is the right thing to do. My next step is to realise that I am no longer that child and that if someone were to enter my life today and say something rude and intentionally hurtful, I would know exactly what to say and do. And to be perfectly honest it would not be to try and fit in. It would be something that let the other person know that I am powerful and an adult and not a child. Laughing back at them is the most effective I think. Like Stef does when people put crazy comments on YouTube. You just laugh at their ignorance. You say you think others get angry with you. How do you feel about that? Is it okay and just their problem and you feel alone? Do you feel ostracized? Would you like it to be different? Or is it more that you want to be able to be yourself and not feel responsible for how someone receives it and you are now angry that you feel you must alter who you are -- so they will not be angry. Feel that little child that is frustrated and insecure and doesn't know what to do and has nowhere to go to get the answers needed. You are no longer that child. There are places to go to get more information. You have a fully functioning brain now. You have resources. You are not going to be left alone to die without anyone to care for you. You can make your own choices now. You can say "screw you" and move on or you can say, "why are you angry?" and find out more information to determine whether you have actually erred or if they are just playing you. I could go on but I may be way off track by now so I will end for now. I'm just saying use that supercomputer mind of yours. It's awesome and fully developed now.

Now I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing that kind of fear in your life. There is no easy answer. Especially when you are as deep in shit (pardon the pun) as you describe. My experience is that you need to take very small steps in the beginning and continue to allow the "shit" to be there. If it is as pervasive as you say and your dream shows, you will take many steps before you begin to see what is under all of that. But the only way I know of is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take one step and then another and then another. I don't adhere to religious faith but there is a place for having faith that what you are doing will eventually pay off. When you throw out a bucket of shit and another and another and still all you see is more shit, it takes some kind of faith that what you are doing is actually having an effect. The only alternative is to continue to look at the shit and do nothing and the result will be that nothing different will happen. The shit will continue to pile up. Do one thing different. Then do something else different and something else and something else. It can be something simple like making your bed when you get up or taking a 5 minute walk whenever you think of it. But these simple steps will only work if you do NOT mentally bash yourself if you think of something simple to do differently and then do not follow through and then begin the process of condemning yourself over not following through. It is circular and keeps you in the same place. Again, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help.

Wow there is so much there. The first one is about resentment around not being taught how to play "the game of life". It seems pointless and you are not very good at it -- just like you described your inability to interact socially and a small desire to even do so. People get in the way of you doing what you want. This is also related to the statements you made about not knowing who you are. Playing "the game of life" as it is played by society is not how you would choose to live. So on to the second dream. That house describes your own mind. You see yourself as broken and structurally held together by critters that actually contribute to the demise of your mind. Perhaps you continually attack yourself for your state of mind or you habitually just go along with the crowd even though you are aware that you are dying inside. This is almost woven into the fabric of your mind and seems inescapable for you. Bugs in the wall. A light in an otherwise dark dream, from my perspective, is that you are aware of something or remember something in your past that you loved beyond anything else in the world. You worked on it and were pretty genius at it. This is that side room. However, at some point it was put away in favor of doing what was expected of you but you never really let it go. It is still there but in need of care and nurturing. I'm going to go out on a limb here and connect it to your statement that you are aware of how you assemble your thoughts -- however, if you don't "get anything out of it" you toss it. And you have that shit piling up in your dream bathroom. My inner Stef voice says, "get anything out of it" compared to what? I take the old woman to be a part of your brain that is under or below your waking level of consciousness -- subconscious. The opposite sex representing that which is the flip side of your normal waking consciousness. She is old and you wonder why she has neglected the house. It is still you, subconscious you -- recognizing you are neglecting your inner thought processes and ability to think rationally. Likely in your past you had unique thoughts that were different from others in your environment. Likely you were young and not mature enough to assemble those thoughts in a way that fit in with your environment. So you tossed them out in favor of fitting in with others. Perhaps you even had an idea about what you wanted to do with your life but finding no place for it in your family environment, you closed it off in its own little room. I think you know this already as you have become aware of this room off to the side. You love the stuff in this room. You love the ideas you have hidden in that room. You love your ability to assemble thoughts into useful components. The super powerful computer is your mind and your ability to think. Awesome imagery there. The problem is waiting for someone else to get rid of the shit in your life. Everywhere you look in the bathroom is shit and filth. Worthless stuff that needs to be eliminated. You think it is the woman that should do something. Some magic motivation, some inner urge or whatever. In reality it is up to you to get the shit out of your life. And apparently it is everywhere. Your solution was for the woman to either clean up the mess or move on. I suggest that this is the message for you. No need to wait for someone else. Start today cleaning up your shit. No matter what happened in the past, today is a new day and you have the power -- the raw computing power to shine in this world and be a super computer. Hope this helps.

Sorry for the late reply. My dad came to live with me and I just helped him through his last days and am returning to the world outside. Anyway, here is the link to the workbook I mentioned. Unfortunately I have not had the opportunity to use it due to the above-mentioned circumstances. Thanks for bringing this back to the forefront of my mind. http://coherencetherapy.org/resources/manual.htm

Hmmm. Interesting. Here's my take. The building represents the solid structure of your mind. You have spent a bit of time creating this solidity and safety. But you describe it as cold and grey. Perhaps this has motivated you to add some warmth and color to your life -- perhaps just to become unfrozen and really begin to live life. Anyway, only you know the circumstances and there is something you have experienced recently that is threatening that solidity. I agree with Matthew in that it is likely anger and rage that is trying to make it's way to the surface. Are you trying to dig into your past on your own? You need some support. Don't try to do it alone. At best you will run yourself in circles avoiding the truth and at worst you can have a real meltdown. Peace in the New Year

Wow, what an awesome dream. There is a lot there. And it is all about you and how you think and interact in the world. It is about your personal power and nothing about political power. There are a couple of things that I want to point out. I only have a little bit of time or I would delve further. Several things stood out. You used "I assume" a couple of times in the dream. That says to me (and correct me if I got this wrong) that you were writing things into the dream that were not actually there -- you assumed they were there but there is no evidence that they were there. You had a lot of trouble keeping your eyes open The guy on the skateboard -- his eyes were wide open and he put himself out there but he was awkward. There is a lot more but I want to just give some ideas on these themes. I believe you could ask a lot more questions when interacting with people. You may be assuming and not getting the facts. Oftentimes we think people think the same as us but they do not and if you ask questions you will find out the truth. (open your eyes to the truth). Sometimes the truth will be startling to you. It can hurt really bad when you get broadsided with the truth after assuming something false for a long time. This dream tells me you carry a great deal of insecurity in your place in the world. It is hard for me to say exactly why without a lengthy discussion but if it is true that you don't ask questions when you have them and simply assume and proceed on assumptions, then you set yourself up for disappointment and pain. It is important that you get comfortable with asking questions ---- and ask pertinent questions. Twice in this dream you mentioned asking a question and then not caring what the answer was. I suspect you interact with others in a way that helps you fit in whether it actually fits you or not. You even mentioned this in the dream that you try to fit in. This is not the path to happiness and security in your life. Also, sometimes asking questions and not waiting for the answer is a protective device for avoiding an anticipated painful truth. The solution (IMO) is the guy on the skateboard. He has his eyes wide open and is wearing colorful clothes that would bring attention to him. And he was awkward. As you come out of your shell and start to be seen for who you are, you will be awkward. Let it be okay to be a little off balance and not completely smooth in your conversations and interactions. Just keep practicing and you will get better. But don't continue with eyes closed and walking blindly through life and hoping for the best, always assuming and then being surprised when life slaps you, and asking questions that are of little interest to you, generally hiding your beauty from the world. I realize that this is a pretty straightforward analysis without a lot of discussion of the particulars but that is all I have time for in this moment. Please ask questions and I will provide more details. There is so much available for you in this dream. It's really awesome.

I just bought this book and the workbook after watching some videos on the topic. I'm working with a coach and her successes with me seem to be following this exact model -- though accidentally I think. Hence I bought the book and am seeking to learn how I can move forward on my own.

You can get on someone else's bandwagon but by your post you sound like the kind of person that has definite ideas about how the community should work. Have you considered creating your own tribe? It would take some time but would be worth it in the end I think.

Thanks so much Jake. I watched the video, bought a book and workbook. I have a coach that is using something that seems similar to this except for step 3 and I began that myself because it seemed appropriate. I've made amazing progress. The effortless change is awesome. I even had an experience of recognizing that my sister bullied me but only after it had changed. I responded to her in a completely different manner than any time in the past. After examining the interaction is when I saw that I had been letting her bully me for just about my entire life. It was really weird and different to identify a negative pattern and associated trigger AFTER it changed. We had another similar interaction and again she tried the usual trigger. It simply had no effect on me.

I can relate. I'm going to chime in with some of the others here and say that it is not "bad". It is something you want more self knowledge about and some control over. Asking questions is the easiest for me and most fulfilling. It just takes a little practice. Keep doing what you are doing and it will get easier. No one learns how to play the guitar in one session. Also, identifying more completely when it happens can be helpful. Who are the people you are most likely to do it with? I identified it happens for me when I meet someone new and in almost all social situations where there are lots of people. I began to feel my insecurity and acknowledged it. This brought much greater awareness of how and when I was doing it. I found it is a protective and control mechanism for me. What I found beneath the insecurity is that if I keep talking, no one can say anything mean to me. I can appear intelligent. There are other things also but when I notice, I just stop, refocus on asking questions, and repeat as many times as needed. Practice, practice, practice. You've already done the hard part -- Self-awareness.

My thoughts are you are spot on with your analysis. Except perhaps for the ants. And I would say not so much worldly consequences specifically but more like your response to the consequences. In adding the water (practicing in the world keeps the ideas growing) you again went to Stef for the hose and felt the need of help from someone unknown and almost unseen. It's subtle. I'm thinking perhaps your area of self knowledge currently in progress is reconciling knowing you will feel alone and an outcast and the self knowledge you are seeking is in how you will deal with it. Usually you are stung by it. But how can you be different? How can you be strong on your own? How can you take the sting out of it? How can you be more secure in yourself?

villagewisdom, on 13 May 2015 - 09:02 AM, said: I'd be happier. More virtuous. Kinder. More interested in other people. Stronger. More courageous. Spontaneous. Less chronically depressed. More self-expressive, more creative. More interesting and more helpful. More principled. Wow, sounds like a good plan. Those are all created by you and no one else. No one can stop you from having that life. I say -- Go for it.

Sorry to hear you are entitled. That sounds really painful. What would your life be if you had no parents and you weren't entitled?

I did a podcast last week on the difference between shame and guilt that might be useful to you. You can find it here: http://peacefulheartvillage.com/vwp019-shame-and-guilt Also, I just recently found evidence that the way a woman's brain is wired to perform under stress, or more precisely fear for her survival, can turn her into a screaming shrew and then back to normal when the stress is removed. Lizard brain stuff. Some of your doubt may come from your knowledge of what you are capable of if you feel or perceive your survival, or the survival of your children, job, relationship, etc., is threatened. Not quite the same I know, but still related to the fear of being "a bad person".

The reason that I do it is the deprivation - entitlement/binge cycle. I created mine because I learned as a child to judge food as good or bad. I had to eat certain things at certain times else I was going to die from ill health. I also learned to judge myself as good or bad. When I put the two together, if I eat "bad" food, then I am "bad" and become anxious and self-conscious. So I am a good little girl and do what I am told. After a while the little girl rebels and begins to feel entitled to whatever she wants -- that triggers the binge. The initial release of the restriction brings a sense of euphoria and short-lived gratification. But of course, after a while, I feel bad and guilty that I have been "bad". Restriction is reinstated. It can be food, alcohol, sex or anything else you have been told is "bad". Unfortunately, I don't have an answer to getting beyond it yet. I have an idea regarding letting go of "religious" and other currently marketed and promoted dogmatic ideas about the body, diet and lifestyle but am currently seeking help to make it a reality. I know I have no real freedom until I have self-awareness about it. I have an appointment today.

Please don't give up. Perhaps sharing your own experience would be beneficial. Please keep bringing the message.

I'm thinking along the same lines. Although even if I was a statist, I would have my doubts. One touchy, feely success does not a long history of corruption change. I'm pretty sure corruption would creep into the process -- even a statist would know that I think . . . and exploit it. Perhaps I'm being a little cynical there, but the fact is that the state is corrupt by nature. On the other hand, if the idea catches on and they make it a stronger part of their identity as a nation, it could go a long way to relieving some of the corruption. They do have an equally long and deep history of meditation as a tool for "spiritual awakening" and with that awakening comes caring for one another (in my experience). Nah, I still thinks it's an irrational pipe dream to have any thought that it will work in even a small way. I'll continue to concentrate on my own small sphere of influence and see what I can do there. I can have an effect there. That's the balm for my cynicism.

What would Love Prevails say?

Hi and welcome.

I couldn't get past the title / wording of the question. When would you ever "make" your children do anything? I wouldn't even attempt to respond to the apology issue until that is cleared up.

I can't see "upset about it". She is filming it the way you would film any of your child's moments you wanted to save and cherish. I saw the mother perhaps trying to play a role that she "should" chastise the child for some transgression but she really wasn't able to pull it off because the child was simply being herself and beautiful. She obviously thought there was value in filming it. Why would she film it if she didn't recognize and want the memory of the poignancy of the moment? Some of these responses just don't make sense.

Hi Aaron, sorry you had to grow up without your father. I hear your anger and I also hear some sadness and a lingering desire to perhaps have a father who cares but a profound lack of trust that it could ever work. His attempts to contact you seem a genuine desire to get to know you and learn about you. But who knows how he will react when you express your genuine anger at him not being there. You might proceed with some RTR. "I'm really, really angry." "I think that if we got together I would ______________, or perhaps ______________, or maybe even _______________ and all of those things are _________________ and I just get angrier and angrier." "I don't really believe you can make up for not being there for me and do not see the point. You would need to do ___________ and ____________ and _____________ for me to even consider creating a relationship with you." "I've gotten used to not having a father and don't need or want you in my life." Or whatever comes to your mind. RTR and see what happens. I would also recommend phone or Skype if you do decide to give it a go. Email makes it too easy to stew over this sentence or that sentence and wonder what he meant. Email cannot convey in-the-moment emotions and empathy. You will need to be able to have real time interactions to have a real time relationship. Good luck with whatever you choose.

I was hurt deeply by many things that my mother said to me. One of them was similar to what you describe. And I had a very difficult early adult life due to missing links in my childhood education about what it means to be an adult. She failed me in many ways. I also learned many wonderful things from her. She died three weeks ago after more than 6 years in a nursing home following a couple of strokes. She had a very keen mind. She was fully aware and present in the beginning but she could not speak. She could no longer communicate with us. It was a horrible experience for all of us to watch her slowly, very slowly deteriorate. My father is an asshole, bigot, narcissist, etc -- he openly admits it. He is a mean person. Yet he stayed by my mother's side every day he was able during that six and a half years. For the first couple of years he drove 10 miles each way, twice a day to spend time with her, to care for her, and to let her know that she was not alone. His health dropped dramatically and we talked him into reducing his visits to once a day. He ended up gradually going earlier each day and staying later each day. She was his life and he hers. He watched her deteriorate day by day. We did as well but from afar. He was up close and personal with it every single day. I can only hope that he passed on this kind of loyalty to me. I don't know as I am not in that position but perhaps I will rise to the occasion. As time when on his behavior became harder and harder to tolerate when I would come to visit. He became even more negative about all of his children if that was possible. For many years I would just nod my head and think to myself "whatever, you're just an ignorant talking head and there is nothing I can do about that". Finally, I did end up saying some things I had held inside for a while because I wanted him to understand how he hurt me and was continuing to hurt me. He didn't get it. He still doesn't get it. I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually have the mental capacity to get it. I only added to his pain and he just dug in even deeper. I came to the conclusion that being an asshole is his coping mechanism for his own internal pain. I don't regret what I said, but I also don't see a real benefit for either of us. He has dropped his guard a couple of times and just hugged me and said something like "you know I love you". The truth is that I do know that he has a very limited capacity to love and to show love, but the child in me still wants to hear it. The child in me still wants his approval. He never gives his approval and he never will. He expects all of us to "just know" that he loves us without him having to be vulnerable and show it. He will never change that because he truly believes that is how it is supposed to be and that he is being a good father. No amount of rational argument has made any difference. And in fact I realized his limited mental capacity when during several conversations he would pause as if trying to understand what I was saying, then he would get this "that does not compute" look on his face, and then he would go back to his original argument. That pause where he was trying to understand what I was saying was quite telling. The information literally had no where to go. There is no mental capacity to hold it. I respect my father's loyalty. It is likely his only redeeming quality. He was 100% completely dedicated to his vows of marriage to his wife. He stood by her side day after day after day. He is likely going to die soon as well. He pretty much used himself up caring for her. He is still an asshole. But he pretty much gave up his life for my mother. It was a real life Notebook (the movie with James Garner) story -- except for the asshole part of course. But one was a movie and one is real life. I don't have any recommendations as to what you should or shouldn't do. I just wanted to share my story as you asked. Well, perhaps one recommendation. If you have children, love them with all your heart and soul and let them know you love them and you are proud of them. Find out more every day about who they are. You can make a difference there. Sorry you are having to go through this. Let me know if you need any support or if I can do anything for you or your family.

What does your heart say?

Perhaps Mr Dean would need to keep at least one sense to be able to verify that the data in the comment did indeed come from . . . . Him