Kurtis

Hello Tweety, Thank you for sharing these difficult issues, I can certainly empathize with what you are experiencing. How about taking a step back from your questions about your relationship with your sister and focus first on just yourself... The fear and anxiety that you feel towards these interactions with your sister, do you know their sources (what is being triggered)? Do you have similar experiences in interactions with your mother/parents? Basically what I'm asking is "What is the extent of your self knowledge?" If your siblings are not self aware, they will be repeating the behaviors modeled to them by your parents. For example, if your mother uses emotional manipulation to avoid uncomfortable truths/conversations, then it is likely your sister would be doing the same. I would suggest a third option: be honest with yourself and listen to the fear that you feel. That feeling is there for a reason and you need to figure out why (and remedy it). Do not self-erase for the benefit of others. Understanding this is key. During my healing process I was delayed a lot by a desire to "not leave my siblings behind". Stef often talks about this type of fear, although in a more global sense, when on these journeys that we all are on. Which is, how bad it sucks to be scouting these new and unknown frontiers all alone. We want to bring others along with us. But, we can't. The only person you can change is yourself. Your only chance is to become the change you want to inspire in others. Lead by example. Your siblings will have to pursue their own individual paths, just as you are. But, you can show them that change is possible. That it is possible to leave the fear and live in a place of happiness. You do these things and in time, you might reconnect with your sister there in that place, after you both have gone through your individual healing journeys. Only once you have done this successfully for yourself will you be able to offer useful support to others. So, the big question is, what are you doing to heal and change yourself? Are you in therapy? If not, that would be my suggestion. A therapist can help you navigate these challenges. They can help you establish boundaries and give you support along the way so that you don't have to feel so alone. Let me tell you that all this is possible. You can get to a point where you no longer suffer from fear, anxiety, guilt, and confusion. As to which relationships will survive this transition, well, that is not your responsibility. You need to focus on yourself first.

Self-knowledge work would include understanding when and why you are self-attacking (hyper critical). If you have a high sense of self-worth, then you would be more compassionate and forgiving with yourself. I think the last two sentences I've quoted of yours shows how you have answered your own question (answer, then question). To reiterate, have you done the self work that focuses on your early childhood experiences? Have you removed the triggers of your self-attack by processing your traumas/experiences of your childhood? Have you figured out the causes of these patterns and addressed them? If you like, I can share my journey through this similar situation if you think it might be helpful.

From the article: "Which is why it seems worth ask­ing: Are there policy in­ter­ven­tions that could, real­ist­ic­ally, help to im­prove how black Amer­ic­ans sleep?" Uhoh...

I wanted to add onto what David said, which is a concept that came out of my therapy and was very useful for my healing. Which is the idea of being your own competent caretaker. For those of us who were unfortunate enough to not have a competent caretaker during our childhoods when we needed one, there is a hole there that needs to be healed. Speaking from my personal experience, my lack of competent caretakers created situations where I was neglected and or abused. This led to me internalizing things and destroying my sense of self worth. If you can find your way to self love and realizing you are worthy of love and care, then you can really start "rebuilding your internal system" as David said. The current adult version of you, can be the competent caretaker for your inner child that needed, and still needs, that care. protection, and love. The more you explore this, the more you will see how your entire being has been trying to take care of you all along (For example, by body sensations connected to your nervous system such as warnings of danger experienced as anxiety. Or messages from your subconscious expressed in dreams.) For me this concept led to some major trauma processing, but was under the guidance of a therapist. The more people I meet who suffer from trauma, the more it seems to me that the finding of one's self worth is an integral component to healing... perhaps even the primary requirement. The more you act to nurture yourself, the more you will feel nurtured. You do have the power within yourself to heal what was broken, to be your own competent caretaker.

Krista Tippett from her podcast 'On Being' has a good interview with Rachel Yehuda: http://www.onbeing.org/program/rachel-yehuda-how-trauma-and-resilience-cross-generations/7786 Also, a friend passed this related article onto me this week: http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2015/05/28/trauma-may-be-woven-dna-native-americans-160508

I like it!

Because a "responsible smack" IS violence, "potential" rape is not.

That's a nice opinion that you have, care to back it up with some logic, evidence, or research? My step father was often "smacked" with a wooden spoon by his mother. He then grew into a man who hit children in the head with his hands and threw them around. These parents that you continually bring up as examples of peaceful parents, ARE NOT PEACEFUL PARENTS. Peaceful does not include verbal or emotional abuse. Please stop saying you have all this experience with peaceful parented children, because based off of your own descriptions, you do not. As others have pointed out, peaceful parenting is based off of win win negotiating. This is not some unachievable ideal, so please stop saying that also. You lament that people here are not open to your logic. Yet all I see is a person who is emotionally invested in defending violence against children. You have not brought any counter arguments to the masses of evidence that Stef has compiled here in his podcasts and videos, guest interviews, and books, that demonstrate how detrimental violence is for children. Instead you claim to know some parents who abuse their children in non physical ways and therefore we need to hit children. The idea that hitting children is good, is a very extraordinary claim and requires some proof. Especially when you have ignored the evidence that proves the opposite. As dsayers mentioned, this was a dedicated post for a listener's project. It would have been preferable for you to initiate your own post in the peaceful parenting section, where you could attempt to disprove peaceful parenting and prove that hitting children is good.

Where does the anxiety physically manifest? You should look into somatic experiencing (SE) therapy, which has been a powerful tool for me in dealing with anxiety (and trauma). ( http://www.traumahealing.org/about-se.php ) There are techniques from SE that can be used to regulate your nervous system from the 'fight or flight' (anxious) state back to the 'rest and digest' state. One example is the "pendulum" technique which is described here: http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=454 By focusing on the feelings in your body that are 'anxious', or unpleasant, and then taking that focus to an area of your body or perception that are the opposite (the safe/happy feeling oasis wherever that may be) you can guide your nervous system in being able to better regulate itself. There are other techniques too, but all of it is best first done under the guidance of a professional. Ultimately, a good goal to work towards would be resolving your traumas so that they no longer can be triggered and send you into these very terrible states. However, that can be a long journey, and so these SE techniques can be very useful to minimize your discomfort along the way.

All sounds about right to me that our mecosystem components might have varying degrees of interest in separate forums

Hi Zaccheus, thanks again for your work! I just received some feedback from some friends of mine regarding the pamphlet. This couple had wanted something that they could use in their efforts to communicate peaceful parenting to some neighbours. The feedback they (my friends) offered was that it would be more useful to have a pamphlet that was more concise. Like some real attention grabbing bullets, using powerful but short facts, and then have links to more detailed info if the reader wanted. The problem they said was that the people that hit their kids are often of lower IQ and would not make it through that pamphlet. Anybody that is interested in the details and will read through it all is already somebody who is at or on their way to peaceful parenting. What this couple was looking for was something that could be used to hopefully spark that moment of insight or interest that would initiate a parent to begin questioning their cycles of violence that they were involved in. Perhaps an intro version of the pamphlet could be made up?

Good advice. I'm very sorry that you are suffering. You sound frustrated and angry. People here are trying to help and provide possible answers to your question. However, you reject these possibilities without much explanation because they do not match the answer you are looking for (Porn is Bad). Have you talked to a therapist about these issues and fears, or about your past?

I watched the video and it says that the changes in the brain caused by porn addiction are the same as those changes caused by drug addiction (dopamine reward system, etc). This seems to back up my suggestion that focusing on porn is focusing on the symptom, not the cause. Drug addicts also suffer from ED and other problems such as depression. Again, I would suggest looking at Gabor Mate's work and the idea that all addictions are rooted in trauma. This isn't to say that porn addiction can't have negative effects on you, of course it can. What I'm saying is that if you stop the porn use (symptom) without treating the trauma (cause), then you will very likely just be replacing one addiction for another.

Have you listened to these shows?: http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/1927/how-to-find-a-great-therapist http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/1716/freedomain-radio-sunday-show-1-aug-2010-how-to-find-a-great-therapist Also there is a recent post that may be of help: https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/44668-difficulty-of-finding-a-therapist-an-inquiry/ It might help people here provide the information you are looking for if you give some details into what type of issues you are hoping to work on.

Yes, abused children do run away from home. However, police catch them and bring them back to their abusers. Is this how adult hostages are treated if they are able to escape? The way you describe how a child can simply tell any adult about their abuse and need for rescue is not realistic. While technically possible, you are thinking about this merely in physical terms and omitting the differences between an adult hostage and a child. An adult being abused/held hostage by some other adult would likely know that is wrong and would attempt escape at first chance. However, a young child being abused BY THEIR PARENTS does not see this as clearly. The child needs their parents care for survival, this is in our biology. It doesn't matter if there are modern external factors that might prevent the child from actually dieing. The child doesn't know this, they only know their feelings that they are totally dependant on their parents. When the child is presented with the fact that the caretaker they are dependant upon is dangerous (abusive/neglectful) they often internalize this to avoid this fear of death. This results in the destruction of the child's sense of self worth. This lack of self worth can make the child feel that they deserve the abuse, or at the very least, make it near impossible to reach out to other adults for help. The morality of this situation regarding parents obligations towards their children is what dsayers has been trying to get you to see. In your last response you said: "What pledge? Where is the pledge? Where is the contract? No one is signing with blood and letter to do anything when they have a child. It is complete philantropy to raise children, not an obligation. That is where I can't see the proof of any positive moral obligation" Is this a serious question? "Where is the contract?" You say it's complete philanthropy to raise a child, so by your logic to not raise the child is a complete moral neutral situation? Say my partner and I decide to create a child. We have the birth at home and after the child comes out we decide we're not feeling charitable, so we just leave the newborn on the floor. Where eventually it starves to death. But no problem right? Because we're not obligated to do anything. There's no contract so good luck trying to demonstrate we're at fault for this death. This is an extreme example of neglect. And yet, this is the neglect that by my understanding of your arguments, you say is simply a matter of aesthetics?

I wonder if you are over defending both of your parents? Throughout our evolution, children who were neglected or not cared for faced a very real potential for death. Having a caregiver that can randomly act out in frustration and anger, especially in a physical way, must have been very frightening to you as a child. Imagine yourself today confronted by a giant, multiple times your size, who lacks self control, attacking you in a very unpredictable and violent fashion. As a child it is even worse because you need that persons love and care for your survival. Did he ever hit you and your siblings in the head? Even if he didn't, when somebody like that is acting out, they are not thinking rationally. There is always the potential for someone to slip, for a blow to land just the right way to seriously impair or kill, or cause the child to fall and hit their head. I would say that these types of behaviours are very life threatening and certainly would be perceived that way by children.

Ahh you are correct, thought I read that she had hit both her and her brother. But, is there not some level of ignorance which then becomes immoral? As a parent, it is your job to protect your child. If the parent neglects this duty and is thus ignorant of what goes on in the child's life, are they not then immoral? I'm not talking about some unrealistic 'perfect' standard of hyper vigilance of all things. If a parent is so ignorant that they do not notice the effects of 5 years of sexual abuse on their child, then yes, I would say that level of ignorance is immoral. Also, it is possible that her mother is either lying or in denial. In which case it is willing ignorance and even more evil.

Just to be clear, she is not talking about "every single thing that ever happened" or accidents/tricks etc. She is talking about being sexually molested for 5 years. She is talking about a mother who beat her, a mother who she is scared of, a mother who manipulates her.

I'm so sorry for all that you suffered Thank you for sharing these details, that takes a lot of courage. To answer your question: If your mom knew about the sexual abuse at the time and now claims to not know anything about it then she is in denial. People have incredible abilities to create massive fantasies to protect themselves from the reality of their actions. If this goes on for decades, they can lose the distinction between fantasy and reality. If your mom truly did not know about the sexual abuse then she was horribly absent and neglectful. Both these options mean your mother was very abusive and harmful to you. She is responsible. I'm sure your mother also suffered horrible trauma as a child, but that is no excuse once she became an adult and had children of her own. We need to take responsibility for ourselves otherwise we'd never break these cycles of violence and abuse. You said you did some therapy... are you still in therapy now? This same mother is living in your house with your children?

Have you listened to Stef's podcast on how to find a good therapist? http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/1927/how-to-find-a-great-therapist And perhaps this post on finding a good therapist might be helpful: https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/44668-difficulty-of-finding-a-therapist-an-inquiry/?hl=%2Bhow+%2Bfind+%2Bgood+%2Btherapist#entry408611 As for the OP's comments and this thread... It has made me wonder if there might be a correlation between the male children of abusive/neglectful mothers who then grow up with porn addictions or PIED or other ED like issues. Either way, blaming porn I think is missing the point. It's like bad parents blaming video games, music, or movies for their children's issues. A more useful question than 'how much porn is unhealthy' might be what type of early childhood experience predisposes one to unhealthy sexual behaviour (and what can be done about it). Either way, a definition that I've heard and like for addiction is that: "Addiction is determined by the consequences." ie: If there is a behaviour that causes negative consequences and you can't refrain from that behaviour despite the consequences, then you have a problem.

As for health benefits, I had read in some of these studies that actually having orgasms created benefits by the release of certain hormones etc. However, this is merely a side point. The main issue is the struggle with addiction and related suffering. For which I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles and pain. The thing that was of most help to me was therapy. My therapist was trained in somatic experiencing which I found extremely helpful. Have you tried therapy yourself? I'm sure there are even therapists who specialize in these specific issues.

A listener created pamphlet on peaceful parenting here: https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/44731-peaceful-parenting-pamphlet/

You may also be interested in this thread on "Is anger really healthy for you?" https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/44123-is-anger-really-healthy-for-you/

I agree with Gabor Mate's idea that addiction is rooted in trauma. Therefore, heal the trauma and you are freed from the addictive behaviours. If you focus on treating the behaviour (the symptom) your trauma will present in other behaviours. I had a history of using marijuana, food, and porn as a way to regulate my negative emotional states. These emotional states were the results of early trauma, and due to poor attachment with my mother I had poor self regulating ability. Through therapy and self work I have processed my traumas and am now able to self regulate in a healthy manner. I am now free from these chains of addictive behaviour. However, I'm still a male human and have a biological drive to inseminate as many women as possible. I use porn to satisfy this drive although it is in a healthy way, as it does not take much of my time nor does it have negative consequences on my sex life with my partner. Additionally, there is research that shows a positive correlation between ejaculation frequency and prostate health (a couple links below). Which isn't an argument for the use of porn, but it would suggest that withholding a natural bodily process is not a healthy alternative. http://www.harvardprostateknowledge.org/does-frequent-ejaculation-help-ward-off-prostate-cancer http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/844820