Kurtis

Welcome to the boards. What a fascinating 13 years you have described, I'm sorry for the loss of your sister. However, I am very happy for you and your family that you are safely out of the military. Have you found where your fear of death originated? Your life goals are admirable and I look forward to your future posts.

This reminds me of a concept that came out of my therapy called "competent caretaker". The idea is that you can be your own competent caretaker, you can provide the love to yourself that your parents failed to do. This way your are never alone with your challenges, you'll always have yourself there to provide love, forgiveness, and help where you need it.

Some good things came out of discussing this topic of anger in therapy today. I found them helpful, hopefully others may also: A distinct difference between rage and anger... Anger is directed or focused, and one retains the sense of self and of others. Anger can be very useful (as mentioned above). Whereas rage is unfocused, pervasive, and can be very destructive. I don't see how rage can be helpful. After the threat is removed, you do not want to retain those high levels of anger as this is a big energy drain (not to mention an unpleasant way to be long term). However, it is healthy to retain some of that anger as it will be there, ready to spring into defensive action should the threat ever attempt to return. To be processed, anger does not need to be expressed at the people who were the threat to your health. There are various techniques to do this. For example, if the anger makes you feel like using physical force to remove the threat from your "space", you can have a friend press their palms against yours. Starting at your shoulders (arms bent) you then press them away from you, ending with your arms out straight. The friend should apply enough resistance to make this hard work to do (but not too much so that you can't remove the "threat"). Another method can be to free write all your anger out onto paper and then either hold on to that paper, or have some kind of ritual to let it go (burn in a fire, send out on a river/ocean etc). I also enjoyed thanking my body for the anger. Being grateful for all the ways in which my body works to keep me safe and happy

I'm so sorry for my misunderstanding and thank you for explaining it. I should have asked first instead of being accusatory. I'm feeling pretty embarrassed now!

I thought that was a possibility too. Which if that was the intent, I don't see how that was helpful to people who are struggling with this very real issue in their lives. I agree with you on the self erasure comment. That is what i experienced at the last funeral I went to. I won't make that mistake again.

I disagree with the idea that those are wise words. If I don't want to go to bad people's funerals, why would I want those same bad people at mine? Why would good people not come to my funeral because of me not going to bad people's funerals? It doesn't make any sense. Also, I find that your post is lacking in empathy for PGP. He explained a very difficult situation, a decision that has negative consequences in his family and culture, and you implied to him that he should have gone or else he'll be alone. Maybe it's just me but that quote seems very similar to the cultural message of "you should respect/love your parents otherwise you're bad".

Thanks again Nathan. Your first point is a helpful perspective. I have been wondering if new relationships could be beneficial to my healing process (as in finding others also interested in philosophy), but your point makes a lot of sense to me. I need to undo the standards I have for some behaviours before I can replace them with more healthful ones. Your second point is something I have recently come to accept. Pursuing new relationships is very time intensive and I need that time to work on myself. In the past I know at times I would seek new relationships as a direct way to avoid doing said work.

Thank you Nathan, your post was very helpful for me. I have tried my best to be "anger free" in my interactions with my parents as I associated anger with abuse (my step father would be angry when he attacked me). I have anger from 20 years ago that is not expressed and I can feel the numbness you mentioned. This post gives me a lot to work with and think on, thank you! Thank you RJ for your kind words. It sounds like you know what you need. I think once you are no longer in their house, in daily close proximity, that everything will be much clearer and your body even happier.

I have manipulated the people that I care about. Recently I have been shown by a couple brave, wonderful people that I manipulated them. I used them for my own needs at the expense of their own. I had initially become aware of this tendency in a romantic relationship that ended several months ago. I thought I was being mindful and had been avoiding repeating this behaviour. I was wrong. I learned this behaviour from my mother, who to this day continues to lack empathy and who furthers her own interests at the costs of others. When I am shown my hurtful actions towards those I hold dear, I see that I am acting in the exact same way as her. I know how much this hurts others because I have suffered the same treatment. Even when I am in the moment where I am manipulating someone and they call me out on it, I still feel this drive to keep going. Consciously I abhor this behaviour and yet subconsciously I continue to repeat it. I will be making this the focus of my therapy (next session is in a few days). However, I am also appealing to the community for any perspectives that may be of help. I want to make new friends and find a partner, but I need to resolve this before I can responsibly feel free to do so. I do not want to hurt anyone else. I am frightened by the power of this behaviour and my inability to control it. I have tried to keep this as concise as possible, but will freely elaborate on any details if needed.

I have recently been shown by a kind, fellow board member that I have ongoing issues with respect to my past abuse and my relationship to my anger at those who are responsible. I do not think that what I said about my anger having been released is true. It is diminished due to boundaries between my parents and myself, yes, but I think that instead of being released it is merely suppressed temporarily. I have not fully expressed the source of my anger to my parents and I wonder if that may be required before I am really able to be free from it. I will now be discussing this with my therapist. As to your original question, I know that I am still under control of patterns from my childhood. I know I need to resolve these before I can have a healthy relationship, let alone kids. This anger issue with my parents may very well be a key component in the process to achieve those things. I apologize for thinking I could answer your question when I clearly struggle with it myself. My previous post reads like I have it all figured out, and the truth is far from it.

I have been able to let go of much or all of my anger towards my parents. However, this only came after defoo'ing and also accepting that they may never change. My anger was a defense against them and now that they are not in my life my need for defense is removed. I used to have expectations that after 'x' they would see things more clearly and grow, but that never happened. If I returned to having them in my life, as they are now, I'm sure I would find my anger return just as quickly. I used to feel angry towards other people, like in your example of witnessing poor parenting. Now I approach these situations with a lot more acceptance and empathy. Perhaps this parent is ignorant to the truths provided by self knowledge. However, after engaging with them and meeting hostility, denial, etc. I do not persist with attempting to change them by repeating my arguments. Attempting to do so with people who are unwilling would, I suspect, also create the potential for me to become angry.

Hello Shea, thank you for sharing this difficulty of yours. I don't know if my story will help, but the way you described your struggles reminded me exactly of how I felt while trying to figure out my own struggles with controlling conversations. For years I knew I had this tendency to "dominate" conversations, even after I became aware of it I had trouble avoiding it. I would usually notice after the fact, like at the end of the night after a potluck with friends. And yet despite wanting to stop I'd find myself continuing to do it next time. Eventually I figured out the root cause and that was what enabled me to finally start adjusting my behaviour to be in line with how I desired to treat other people. The moment it all clicked for me was when I saw myself as a young child (around 7 or so), and I remembered how I used to try to use words to get attention, usually in a class or after school care type situation. My own life narrative had been that this is just the way I was, which was a funny guy with a strong wit. But in that moment I saw how that behaviour was exactly the same as that which I had continued into adulthood. I saw it for what it really was, which was a child that was aching to be noticed, to be told I was special. Which is something that I never received at home as a child. It was difficult to see that I was acting this way around those few friends, the people that I care most about, all because of how my parents had treated me. I saw how much of a disservice this was doing me. During therapy while discussing this realization my therapist brought up a very good additional detail, which was that as a child this verbal acting out was a way of fighting back at the adults in my life (like if I could make the class laugh at the expense of the teacher, I'd feel like I had got in a good jab). I feel this to be true and possibly came from my anger at not having a single adult in my life ever honestly ask me how I was doing (along with anger at my parents). Through my self work I have come to know my value and no longer feel that childhood need for external validation from others. This has greatly changed my conversations, as I no longer have a subconscious agenda to pursue. I now find myself much more able to be present in these conversations in a way that facilitates more natural give and take. I too used to describe myself as a shy kid, but now I see that it was growing up with parents who put their own interests above mine that created a child who had difficulty expressing himself. The way you describe your "conversations" with your parents sounds like this may also be the key to your question. +1

Also for me I would not describe it as a museum, but the "control" of things was/is certainly present. As an adult, before I de-foo'd, I would sometimes go visit my parents for a weekend. After hours of driving, a ferry, and more driving I would arrive, put my backpack on the floor, couch, etc and go and greet the parents and siblings. Instead of expressing joy at my arrival, my mother would get stressed that my bag was momentarily somewhere it wasn't supposed to be. She obsesses with maintaining a clean house. For my mother, appearance was paramount. Real issues, mental health struggles, trauma, etc were ignored into oblivion, but it was very important that we appeared as a happy healthy family from the outside. My 'exhibit' was sterile and devoid of any real personality or feelings. It was anxiety provoking,

I would suggest to not worry too much about what you should be doing or not doing. Instead, in whatever moment you find yourself in, what do you feel? Listen to what your body tells you. I agree with Lens and DaVinci, if your body is feeling anger, then it is likely responding to a perceived threat. In that case, the healthy choice is to listen to your anger, try to find it's cause and take action on that.

As an example of a substance and healing experience I would like to talk about Ayahuasca. For me, this is yet another tool in my kit that helps me on my journey, along with the usual ones that the FDR community will be well aware of (therapy, journalling, dream interpretation, learning, etc). A main healing aspect of Ayahuasca is that it is able to focus the brain specifically on early traumatic experiences (e.g. childhood abuse) but from the present day (adult) perspective, which is one that knows this trauma is in the past, and not ongoing. This allows the brain to create a new pathway as a result of knowing that the trauma is no longer occurring. Therefore, when events trigger that early memory (e.g. a phone call from a parent) the result is no longer a re-experiencing of the initial trauma. Like most psychedelics, the main work begins after the experience, in integrating it into your life. In this example, that can be to strengthen the new neural pathways through meditation, mindfulness, life choices, behaviours, etc. I personally have processed traumas that were from 25-30 years ago, in one weekend of ceremonies and I remain free of these traumas to this day. These experiences are something I discuss in my therapy sessions to help with the integration. I think I could have got there with therapy alone, but I know that it would be nowhere near this fast. I have a female therapist and I think of my shaman as my male therapist. In regards to Ayahuasca ceremonies, I see the exact same importance in selecting a shaman as one would in selecting a therapist. Perhaps you are familiar with these ideas, or the work of Gabor Mate, but in case not (or for anyone else) then I recommend a CBC documentary that is a pretty good introduction and basic overview of these concepts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DTEGrB5_ZE To say that you have tried DMT is really in no way a comparison to an Ayahuasca ceremony. The benefits of Ayahuasca require the ceremony (a healer/shaman and the icaros). And as always, these are tools that have worked for me and certainly are not for everyone.

+1 I have only recently come through this battle with sense of lack of self worth, inability to love myself, feeling "broken" etc. My childhood of abandonment and abuse left me struggling with these issues for years. Once I was able to see that it was my parents fault, that their actions caused these feelings in me, was I really able to start healing. I remember all to well that "hole" within myself. My relationships were always doomed to fail because I would use them to fill that need I had for parental acceptance and love from when I was a child. (an emotional manipulation I 'learned' from my mother) I really believe that you must deal with these difficult issues and be able to love yourself before there is any hope of true happiness in life and relationships. Aside from FDR, therapy was the biggest help to me. A therapist can provide that safe place of acceptance that can allow you to continue working through your fears. Keep at it, it's worth every difficult moment!

Hello Xavier, thank you for being vulnerable. I can't add much beyond all the wonderful things Kevin has said already, but one thing came to mind when you described the terror/anxiety in your gut, and perhaps it may be of help to you. I had known I needed therapy for years before I found FDR, but what I have learned here enabled me to finally take action in my desired healing and journey of self knowledge. I found an amazing therapist who, among other things, is trained in 'somatic experiencing'. This work focuses on your body sensations. My anxiety and fears would mostly present as these terrible feelings in my chest, and sometimes stomach. After a lot of work, I was able to get at the roots of these physical sensations and learn that they were protective mechanisms that my body/subconscious were using to tell my conscious self of very serious dangers in my life (mainly my parents and unprocessed trauma from my childhood). The work in therapy, FDR, journalling, dream interpretation, deFOO'ing etc has brought me to where I am today: freedom from these fears and anxiety, and in their place is a warm feeling of freedom, love, and happiness. That to me is worth all the struggles and sacrifices that were required in my journey of self knowledge. Like others have said, you gain greater control of your life. You can't undo the past, but you can change the future. Best of luck and I hope you keep at it.

Hi Freemickey, congrats on connecting to your true self! I share your amazement at what truths are contained within our minds and the power of the subconscious to protect us from harm. It took me many years to be able to understand these messages (such as in dream form) and have so much gratitude towards my self for these truths. Many of the answers I'd been searching outwards for were right there in my mind the whole time, and FDR has played a huge role in helping me see and understand them. How you described your process through isolation resonates with me also. I work in forestry and spend the majority of my days alone in the woods (which I love), and this presents a lot of podcasting and audio book time. To be able to have consumed so many hours of FDR each day, in isolation, has had a profound effect on my process towards a happier me. Welcome and thanks for sharing!

Hello everyone, I am excited to join in on the conversations here after listening to so many and now starting to read more! A big reason of mine for joining the community is to connect with like minded people and hopefully even find some that live nearby. However, this does initially seem to pose a significant challenge as most of the introductions here appear to be from major cities and often far away. My searches have similarly turned up mostly empty handed. There does seem to be a group of members located in Vancouver (the closest large city) but this is still a lengthy trip by vehicle and ferry. With several hundred thousand people on Vancouver Island, I'm sure there must be some like minded people who pursue truth, honesty, and freedom. Although perhaps they are yet to find their way to FDR. My question to the kind people here is: Does anyone have any tips for fostering this type of community in their local area? (Especially helpful if there any out there who also live in rural areas and have overcome this challenge.) I often think of Stef's advice to shine so brightly that these people I'm looking for will be able to find me. I have started thinking about how I could start a philosophy meetup or club of sorts. Anyone have any practical steps, ideas or experiences they could share? Currently I am trying my best to live as honest and virtuous as I can, and by doing so have connected with two new friends through my exposure to new people in different communities through my work. To do this I simply was caring, compassionate, vulnerable and honest. However, this type of behaviour 99% of the time drives people away (which is fine since they wouldn't be the people I'm looking for anyways). Sorry to ramble on! I guess what I'm getting at is: Is there a more efficient way to find the small percentage of like-minded people given that I don't have access to (or the time for) direct conversation with every single person to filter through everyone? Thanks so much! Kurtis

Hello Irwin, I was about to make my first post with the same question you asked. I decided to do a search first for "vancouver island" and here I am! A big reason why I wanted to join the FDR boards is to try and find like minded people that lived near me. Since I started bringing philosophy into my life, and in particular my relationships, I have become quite isolated as a result. In the past I had always been slow to make friends as my childhood left me with the experience that allowing people (my parents) to become close leads to an abuse of that trust. Now that I have made significant progress in dealing with the troubles from my childhood I am very keen on making new friends. The difficulty I'm having is in finding people that share a similar passion for philosophy and truth that I now have. Have you had much luck in connecting with any FDR listeners or other like-minded people on Vancouver Island? I am living in Black Creek (between Campbell River and Courtenay). However, I have lived in Victoria at different times in my life and know it well. Cheers, Kurtis