Lotus Flowery

i have a 4 year old son and I agree with everything Neeeel has said.

So sorry to hear this!!

I can think of no other word to describe this than "sociopathic".

Perhaps ask any other potential boyfriends exactly what their values are about certain subjects before divulging yours to them first. That way you will know that what they say comes from them rather than them just going along with what you say in order to win you over.

You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today...and breathe.....

Great stuff, guys.

I do get your point, and I am sorry if I came across as flippant. The reason I can say this with such boldness is because I was in your situation a few months ago, and I have worked very hard to put it right. Literally, the time and effort I have put into negotiating with my son has been obsessive, consisting of me putting it before everything - even if nothing got done for a few weeks. I have sat down with myself and wrote things down, really asking myself WHY my son reacts in certain ways and what I can do differently. It has involved experimentation, trial and error and a lot of mistakes. Here is what I have learnt: 1) I connect with my son as soon as we wake up by playing and bonding. I have instilled this in myself by writing a morning routine which ensures I put bonding time before everything else. This for me was the only way I would have the self discipline to commit to it. When I am bonded with my son I am in the best position possible to be able to negotiate with him and for us to communicate effectively. 2) I discuss in detail multiple times a day, sometimes days in advance, what our plans are. If we are going to someone's house, I show him pictures of them, talk about their personality in a positive way, say how much I like them and I would be so happy if my son meets them. AND after we leave, we can do something you would like to do, what would that be? (Usually an edible treat is my son's answer). 3) I negotiate use of alarms. About an hour before leaving, I start mentioning leaving. Then about 20 minutes in I will say "OK I will set an alarm, then we will have to go" The alarm goes off. Usually he will come. If he doesn't, I say "OK, make me a deal". Usually he will say "One more alarm", I will say "OK, one more alarm" and we shake on it and say "deal". By then he is usually well prepared to leave. If I have promised him a treat, I can then remind him of this and that will seal the deal. It is about micromanaging every little detail at first, then after a few weeks it comes more naturally, AND the whole process is a great way to build trust and communication. I haven't had to drag my son away from anything for a long time. On the rare occasion he adamantly refuses, I might bribe, try and strike a deal, tell him the consequences of not coming (we won't have time to play when we get home because it will be too late), and if this doesn't work I just end up going along with his wishes, but expressing that I wish he would come. If it is absolutely necessary you leave (it is someone's house), and nothing else has worked, you could ask the person whose house it is to ask him to leave? Failing that, technically he is now trespassing and you have the right to remove him, stating that we have no right to be in a person's house if they are not giving us permission - but that would be the absolute extent of the force if it were me.

I am sorry you are going through this. Have you tried mediation with your ex? I encourage you to take courage and call in the show - you have got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

If the house is on fire, then yes it's fine. Other than that...how would you like it?

Responsibility in the eyes of whom? The law of the land, natural law, the two people involved? I used to go out and get drunk like this and when I took responsibility for my actions and stopped doing it, bad things stopped happening to me. A woman ending up in that vulnerable situation, nine times out of ten, is because she has issues. And if a person has issues and doesn't sort them out, bad consequences will always follow - it's natural law. The guy is in the wrong for raping the woman. The woman is in the wrong for failure to sort her head out before engaging in risky behaviour, which has potential bad consequences for other people too. This is just my opinion, based on experience. Maybe it's too harsh a judgement, but if it was my daughter I would not see her as simply a victim, I would feel the need to help her so it didn't happen again, and find out what led to her behaviour.

Isn't marriage a statist institution to begin with?

Great message and I really like the visuals, they keep you engaged. I would like to hear more anger in your voice! Where is your accent from, it sounds like mine??

I agree with d sayers. One of the problems I see with using surveys and generalisations is that these things may apply to the general population, but are WE the general population? I know I'm not. Most people do not acquire self knowledge, and most people fail at parenting and relationships, and therefore those stats apply to them. Your goal should be to become that caveat, in the minority. Seek self-knowledge and become the best person you can possibly be, then you don't need to worry about the stats of the general population.

Will this not be too traumatic for a two year old? When my son was going through a phase of poking me in the eye, I considered showing him pictures of injured eyes so that he could see what might happen if he continued, but then wasn't sure how his three year old brain would process the images and decided against it. Ice-cream is a junk food at the end of the day. I think it is important not to give kids junk. The affects of refined sugar on a two year old's pancreas can be very profound. Stefan made a very valid point in one of his shows once: Negotiation is always key but sometimes we need to make decisions for our children that they might not like now, but they will thank us for one day. With my own son, I consider the future him as well as the present him. For example, he is refusing to have a hair cut at the moment and that is fine, no harm done apart from messy hair. However, he is also refusing to have his toe nails cut. He is not going to thank me for it in the future if I let him have ingrowing toe nails, so they have to be cut! (I do it while he is asleep). Your "future" son will come to appreciate the fact that you did not allow his body to be filled with junk food whenever he demanded it, so I think it is OK to be clear about this and hold your ground. You could repeatedly remind him "no ice cream today because too much is bad for you" before you go out, and set his mind firmly on your plans for the day (negotiated of course).

It is an often-discussed topic no matter whose company I am in, but thanks for bringing this to my attention - I certainly do need to talk about this in front of my son and my friends and family. I have and do, but I need to do it more - thank you.

Hi everyone. I have been asked to clarify the build-up to the hitting and what kind of parent I am: I am attentive, empathetic and a good listener. My son gets lots of love and we have a great relationship. Here is the kicker: I used to spank and now I don't. Until recently I was involved in a religious group which was pro-spanking. I tried to make myself go along with their beliefs (against my conscience) for fear of ostracism from the group, and ultimately God's wrath being on my son and me. Sounds crazy, but I really believed this. I came to a point where I could not only NOT bring myself to spank anymore, but I was so disgusted at my behaviour and their advocation of spanking that I left. I am now in therapy, being deprogrammed (it hasn't taken long, I pretty much did a full about-turn within a week with regards to spanking, parenting, God, everything) and am regaining control of my life. My son's hitting was mostly when it was time to stop an activity (I always give enough notice and even set 5 minute alarms), or as I was saying good night he would poke me in the eye out of the blue. As it happens, since posting my original question, my son and I have learned to laugh at his hitting and he has now almost completely stopped! When he does go to hit me, I catch his arm and take him into his room where we cuddle if he is genuinely upset, or we just say "whoops nearly" and start laughing. I know it is my fault completely. I think when he knew I was never going to spank again, he tested the waters for a few weeks to see if I would resort to it. I think he now trusts that whatever he does I won't spank - it's like he needed to know that. That's my theory anyway. Believe me, if there is a repentant person on this planet, it is me. I've totally renounced my old ways: I have spoken to my son about it, apologised, let him know that I thought it was the right thing to do but now I realise how wrong it is. I have told my friends and family that I should never have spanked, and I am receiving IFS therapy to get to the root cause of why I am prone to getting sucked into cults (found out it is because I learned to renounce my own conscience at a young age and have been looking for an authority figure who I can trust). I could write a whole essay about the religious group involvement, it really was a very disturbing time. Here is another complexity to throw into the mix: My son's father and I are separated. He lives round the corner and we all hang out with each other nearly everyday. However, my ex has teenage children from his previous relationship, and the three of them are very dysfunctional, and they hit each other as a joke, play fighting etc. So I am trying to deal with this situation too as my son is seeing this play hitting and getting confused. In many other ways, my ex is a lovely parent. Basically, we have messed him up haven't we? I am happy to receive your honest comments on all this, as I genuinely am putting all my energy into helping our family to become more healthy and building my relationship with my son. On a day to day basis, we constantly chat, play, go on outings and just stay very close to one another in general, which is great. I believe since leaving the religious group, our relationship has flourished and I have become much happier and I think my son may be just getting used to this. Stefan mentions in one of his podcasts that to spank your child you have to dissociate from your emotions. How true this is! And not only whilst spanking - I was so riddled with guilt that I was dissociating most of the time so I wouldn't have to feel the pain of the guilt. Now that I am not doing this, I have had to experience the pain. I physically want to vomit when I think of what I have done, but it has been necessary for me to replay it. I have written it all down and I couldn't believe it was me. I never thought that I would ever end up getting involved with such a group, and switching off my own perception and conscience. I have a high IQ and I am emotionally intelligent. It was a series of unfortunate events that put me into a place where I could be brainwashed - I am not accusing the group of brainwashing me, I brainwashed myself. Thank you for all your inputs. Thankfully, this problem seems to be diminishing now.

I really appreciate these responses, thank you to all. I would love to hear others chime in. I have not got a lot to say at the moment, but I will give an update soon.

He's right. I studied music at uni and the Chinese kids were amazing on their instruments, but they really struggled with composition. Just noticed the subtitles....LOL!!!

Hi everyone, help is much needed!!! My three year old has developed a habit of hitting and kicking me - not to sound nonchalant, I can expand more on this if needed and am happy to. How do I deal with this so that I don't come across as a spineless wimp who doesn't believe in fighting back?

I agree with those who have said talk to the child instead of the parent, and let him/her know that it is not OK that he/she is being abused. This would be life changing for the child.

I'm loving thins. I am so glad to have a community of peaceful parents with whom to share ideas, it's just priceless! Going to check out the podcasts, thanks for posting, Kathryn and others.

My advice is see a male therapist. Females are way too emotional and reactionary in my experience (not saying all women are like that or that there aren't men who are).

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Thank you, I am so happy and relieved!

Hi, I am a 32 year old single mum (that's right!) from England. I am self-employed and the nature of my work allows me to spend most of my time bringing my son up. I have been acquiring self-knowledge for a number of years, firstly as a member of AA, then as a follower of Christ and now, thankfully, as a rational human being! I made a complete mess of my life due to the fact that my coping mechanism happened to be alcohol, which is disastrous for anyone in such a position, and to those around them. However, it forced me to seek help and self-knowledge and stop at nothing until I found it, so that is good. After viewing Stefan's videos, I left the Christian group I was involved in (some would call it a cult) and I am so thankful to be now parenting my child the way I knew was the only right way all along - peacefully and consciously!!! I have also greatly appreciated what I have found out about MGTOW, and I have realised that I need to take more responsibility for what happens with my ex and my son.