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edit >>> EXTREMELY LONG POST. Sorry about this! Please skip this post and go to #2, unless you have lots of time of course. Hello everyone! I would like to thank you in advance for reading my post, and for any insight you may be able to offer. I have been putting this off for quite some time, thinking that it would not really help to share my problems with the community. The way I have justified this is basically by telling myself that I already know what I must do. In other words, I tell myself that I must seek a professional therapist, that I must make new friendships, that I must sever my negative relationships, that I must be more productive, etc. etc. etc. – and come to the conclusion that you will tell me the same thing, and so that it would be useless to come to you with my doubts and fears. That is all nonsense though, and I can see right through it. I understand that I am evading this need to open up, in fear of coming to conclusions that I may not want to grasp. These are conclusions that I have already come to in my own mind, but perhaps I'm afraid of hearing them from others, or maybe I'm afraid of the opposite – that my conclusions (I'm lazy, I'm too scared, I will never really be normal, I'm too far behind, it's way too hard, I can't do it) are totally wrong, and that this may take some weight off my shoulders, weight that I may be using to punish myself for God knows what (this what is probably the most important obstacle I face). Even doing this right now, is starting to feel quite difficult. I'm starting to feel that sensation in my throat that usually precedes crying. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable, and I think my mind is actively looking for distractions that may help me avoid having to finish this post. A part of me is a bit fearful of the response I may receive, although I acknowledge fully how irrational that is, considering that the responses I have seen here are always quite kind and generally very empathetic and helpful. So, where does this fear come from? Maybe from a general sense of inferiority? The very thought of speaking to Stefan has always left me with a sense of curiosity, alarm, shame, and fear – but in a very disinterested sort of way, like it's something I don't think would ever occur, because I don't see myself far enough down the road of self-knowledge to seek that out, and because I've always thought that I would be able to advance far enough on my own through books and journaling and such. This is probably part of my problem, and I'm starting to acknowledge that. I tend to be too individualistic in the sense that I always think that I can do things on my own, generally distrust others' abilities and capacity to help, and yet never quite seem to be able to do anything at all. However, I blame this on myself, on my constant state of melancholy and inability to concentrate on the here and now. I blame myself for always thinking of what's ahead and never on today. I'm very much a daydreamer, but I know that the sources of this problem are within me and are solvable, and so I am now looking for professional help. I hope I haven't been rambling too much and that the above helps you get an idea of where I'm coming from. Now some background: I'm originally from Mexico, and moved with my mother and half-sister to the US at the age of 6. My father stayed behind. My parents were not married, and my father was 16 years older than my mother (38-22 when I was born). I was a very creative child, and liked being alone, never had much friends, and fortunately suffered very little in terms of physical abuse. I started out well in school (public school as we've always been quite poor, my mother left school at 16 when my sister was born, and her family was also very much poor) and was even put in gifted and talented classes, as I was very good with art and enjoyed reading. However, due to lack of guidance or interest from any adult, I began to do worse and worse in school and finally dropped out of high school at the age of 19 I believe (I had always been a year behind because it took me a year to learn English after I arrived, I think I was a junior then but very much behind). I dropped out because I was told I could just take an equivalency exam and obtain my GED, I was not told however that it was necessary to be an American citizen to do so (I was not) and so that never happened. I worked as a waiter and helping an uncle in real estate for a while, before deciding to move back to Mexico where I could be "free" to live my life as I pleased. I was very proud then, falsely so, and the idea of having to ask someone to break the law so that I could work just made feel so ashamed that the idea of living in Mexico really seemed like a good one. I lived with my father for some time in a small city on the Mexican border (where he had moved to be closer to me after he had been deported from the US for having overstayed his visa) for a while, about 10 months, and then I managed to move to a large city with the help of money my mother made available to me. The time I spent with my father has been probably the worse period in my life, because I depended on him but the guy really is about as broken a man as I've ever seen, and obviously he carries a lot guilt in regards to me, and long story short I'm just really angry at him to this day. After I left my father, I came to Guadalajara, the city I'm originally from and which is quite a large city and had many more opportunities for me. I worked in call centers for a while, and then in bicycle shops (something I'm very much into). I had read Ayn Rand in my teens, and this is what I think saved me and is still responsible for keeping my flame alive. I think it caused a few problems too, because I think I tried to be like her heroes for a while, and well that's really not a very smart thing to do. I think I repressed a lot of emotions during my teens and early to mid 20's because of this. I was very hard on myself. I'm sorry I feel like I'm straying a bit from the point, but I think I know what's next. After living alone for a few years, my father came down here to try and be closer to me. We lived separately and saw each other frequently, but then we had an argument and I basically cut him off completely after explaining everything in a very long text message. I basically said to him that he was a bad influence on me, and that he was the same guy who had abandoned me as a child (by being a bad partner to my mother and forcing her to leave him). I also said to him that his interest in the esoteric was only a way for him to believe in impossible things, which made it easy for him to imagine that he and I could actually have a healthy relationship. Plus, my father was sexually active from a very young age, something I know marked him deeply and is probably the cause of all his neurosis and guilt. Then, I at some point got fed up with my job, and quit. I had only been working and daydreaming in my free time, and I had not been thinking much about my future, or making any friends. I was still very proud then, and had never been very sociable, and found it quite difficult to relate either to nationals or others who too had come back from the US. At this point, I thought I would leave the city and go live in small town, where I could work hard and live a simple life away from the distractions of the city. I didn't plan this terribly well however, and ended up with no money and my things on the sidewalk. And so I reached out my father, or my abuser, and have been living with him ever since. For a good while I descended into a very deep mental fog, and forgot all about what had originally made me break ties with my father. I started working at a bike shop and earning just enough to pay for my basic needs. I lived this way for some time, and was going deeper and deeper into this sort of zombie state. Then my mother came to visit me recently and really forced an awakening which had been building up the months prior to her arrival. I was devastated. My emotions, which had been turned off for years, suddenly were brought back to life and it scared the shit out of me. After having been numb for years I started to really feel and it was all quite overwhelming. My mother, who I'd had a generally good relationship with, suddenly made me see just how unfit I was to deal with reality. When she was here I felt like I was in a way responsible for her, and this made feel totally inadequate. It made me very nervous, and I had not seen my mother for about 7 years, and so this also shocked me into life again. Since then I have taken up listening to FDR again, which I had not been doing mostly due to not owning either a pc or a smartphone, and basically just not looking into self-knowledge before this event. Although, to be honest, I've always had a need to keep a diary, even if at times I have ignored it for months – it's an urge that always comes back, and I have hundreds of journal entries in physical journals, iphone notes, word documents, etc. I may share some if anyone is interested in listening to my inner voice. Right now, I am making enough to pay my bills, and thankfully can do this through one part time job. The free time I have I want to invest in some project that will allow me to make more money in the future, such as elaborating some cycling-related apparel or perhaps developing the talent I know I possess but have not developed. However, I tend to spend most of my time between all sorts of different interests and cannot seem to make up my mind which to focus on. I feel like there's no one in my life that has genuine interest in me or that has the knowledge to guide me in any direction or offer any real advice. Also, I'm still very much in an English-language frame of mind. I speak good Spanish, but am not totally fluent as in I cannot write very well or articulate my thoughts with the precision I wish I could – I'm still very lacking in terms of vocabulary, but I don't have the will to focus on working on my skills because I'm really not sure I want to continue in this country, on the other hand, I don't see the possibility of leaving this country any time soon. I sway between thinking that I will never find anyone worth making friends with here, and that there have to be people worth making friends with but that I will never know if I don't reach out. However, I feel like I having nothing to offer, and like I have to work hard and study hard before earning the right to ask for anyone's friendship. I'm also very frightened of taking the risk in trusting someone only to have their irrationality surface later and destroy the bond I though we had created. I feel like no one is interested in self knowledge, and no one is capable of being vulnerable and sharing themselves openly. I try to be very open and share my thoughts and emotions with the people currently in my life but they are very rarely reciprocal and tend to avoid this kind of conversations. I haven't had an amorous relationship in 10+ years, and have only met 3 women I have genuinely liked in the 8 years I have been here, but I have not had the courage to start a conversation because I just feel so inadequate, so far behind in life, and so painfully conscious that I have very little to offer anyone. I now understand, thanks to Stefan, that I cannot do this alone – but is there anything else I can do beside therapy to strengthen my will, and to find my path? I feel like this isn't really the point of my post, but I don't know how to frame my exasperation into a sentence. It's so many things, a lot which I did not even touch on. I know I need to reach out to a professional, and I'm in the process of finding the right one. If I may ask a question in regards to this – what kind of therapist should I look for? I've come across a lot psychoanalysts but I'm not sure if they're all Freudians, and then there are cognitive behaviorists (?), and a thing called Gestalt. I've looked for analytical psychologists, but have had no luck – they all seem to do something other than individual therapy sessions. Also, is it a good idea to read about psychology? Should I read Alfred Adler, Alice Miller, C.G. Jung ... or could this have the effect of confusing me rather than helping me? Could it not hurt to go into therapy with this knowledge? In the sense that it may interfere with the therapists' work? I'm very sorry for the lengthy post, but I do not know what I should cut out to make it shorter. In a way I think it gives a good idea of where I am – all over the place, confused. Thank you for reading.

AAAAAND the topic didnt load prorperly! Using reply to psot my orignal post. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Hey everyone, i am here seeking therapy. I’ve been brought humbly down after making some seriously bad assumptions about my own mental clarity and also about how much i do need outside help from specifically therapist. Needless to say i was wrong and have paid the consequences as i struggle to gain employment and do what i finally love after procrastinating for so long. It’s very painful due to having not done such earlier, though i am 100% committed to accepting this pain. And fear too incidentally as I’ve found. This is me owning my inaction and inaction to acknowledge the painful truth of avoiding the humiliation and pain associated with getting job, earning your own money and success. [Currently working on and making 3d models public, studying CAD software, studying building (and construction) physics, researching copyright, contacting companies left right and center and networking]. What are your experiences with therapy and what are the best people/places to seek for? I don’t have lot of money atm, so can’t afford the highest askers, but i will not cheapshot this i can pay something and whatever i have that i can pay, i will. Thoughts? #IfyoudontlearnbyReason...

I worked for a highly competitive private business in the food service industry for 35 years in California. We did a great job keeping the customers happy. The competition was tough but so were we. However, our biggest customers like Safeway, Vons, Kroger, Albertsons, Walgreens, Smart n Final, Whole Foods, etc. could have cared less about the service we provided because they knew they would be the priority over all others due to the shear volume of their account and they were right. The problem was that when ever a new company came to town, they would threaten to switch for price alone. We got to where the price was so low we could barely compete against these multinational corporations. I'm not complaining about this in regards to why capitalism works so well, but more how I always felt like I could loose my job at any moment. After time that really does take it's toll. Yes, that constant fear does motivate you to do what ever it takes to survive thus it keeps prices low and service high, always tweaking your business model and service tactics and that is good, to a point. What I found was It started affecting everything in my life. I was always working and spending less time at home with my kids. It made me less empathetic to everyone around me so I not only had the battle at work but it became a battle to be at home. My wife and kids were endlessly supportive but I became more and more frustrated, depressed and disengaged at home. What I was experiencing is not only common throughout the US, it has become pathological. Some people do better than others in that environment (young single males) but look at the corporate/political/Geopolitical condition of the world today, it's ruthless and highly unstable. It made me start to think that there just has to be a better way. It doesn't look like anything will change now since multinational corporations and international banks are running the world corrupting the body politic and most everything else in their path. However, this problem certainly explains why so many people are trending towards socialism / communism as a way to relax the constant fear thus creating more and more susceptibility to the "languasites' Stefan described in podcast FDR3263. I am aware that as long as the current economic structure (fiat money, Keynesian economics and "languasites') are dominant, there is little to no chance of this changing any time soon so my timing on this subject is no doubt out of sync, but I think it is relevant to a bigger picture. Ruthless business models are a big cause of destructive family environments in so many ways it's too much to go into here. People equate this false capitalism as actual capitalism, the cause of their constant anxiety, thus we see the popularity of Bernie Sanders types, along with more and more talk of resurrecting so many historically destructive political systems. The near total loss of freedom seems to be more acceptable than the current work environment and social instability. Capitalism did give rise to this phenomenon even in it's infancy and in it's purest form. I think the purest capitalistic system is susceptible to this regardless of how 'pure' it is. Money corrupts even the most ethical of humans so governmental systems will always have to exist until either the average IQ gets over 110 or the population decreases below levels that existed before Kings, Queens and religion. I have often thought that the only viable government would have be an AI programed in such a way that it's primary objective is for humans to eventually no longer need it, thus no longer needing government to force cooperation. This is based on the idea that it's impossible to bribe a machine but then there is always the programmer. There could be something like a medical cure for low IQ across ethnic lines (as Stefan described in a recent podcast) or a medical cure to the 'virus' of sociopathic and psychopathic disorders though the odds of something like that happening is at best unlikely any time soon. The peaceful parenting model is a necessary imperative but I fear a mufti-generational approach will not be enough to fix anything before we destroy ourselves or render the world uninhabitable. The current social and political situation is dire -- I am not hopeful. (Comments Welcome) Dusty Wiggins 'What this world needs are massive and spontaneous outbreaks of positive creativity.'

http://insider.foxnews.com/2016/03/19/sheriff-clarke-pro-immigration-anti-trump-protesters-are-conglomeration-misfits http://insider.foxnews.com/2016/03/13/judge-jeanine-donald-trump-protesters-silent-majority-will-not-be-silenced Judge Jeanie Pirro also blames anarchists for the protests in that video. Why all of the sudden propaganda against anarchist from Fox? I mean, he refers to them as totalitarians in the video right before calling them anarchists.. But still, will we ever be able to revive the word anarchist?

A new article, where I answer a very common question: should I talk to my parents about my painful childhood experiences? Link: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/03/q-should-i-talk-to-my-parents-about-my.html

I've been away from this community for a lot of time now since I last discovered FDR and some of you may recognize me from a couple of mouths ago (or something like that I'm not sure) and since then some things have happened with some FDR members that have been troubling me.... a lot, torturing me emotionally really and this is the reason why I have been away for so long. This topic is not about what happened in and of itself but the consequences that it has on my credibility in this community. Ok enough with the abstactions. I was in a Skype group with some FDR members and sometime after the formation of said group I did something extremelly inapropriate and dysfunctional (that I'm not confortable telling here) and some of the members deemed it evil (which now in insight I don't find it to be the case at all). After that I felt very disaproved off and some time after I got ostracized from said group. After these events the true nightmare began. In the midst of my thoughts and emotions an argument arose which has been haunting me: P1-The FDR community is based on reputation. P2-People with bad reputation or who did horrible things get ostracized. P3-I did a horrible thing. P4-FDR members know each other to the extent that they will tell each other to not engage with me. C1-I'm gonna get ostricized from the whole community P5-Generally people who are ostricized by the FDR community are bad people. C2-I'm a bad person. And this argument has made me very anxious and fearful of ever engaging with anyone other than zombies (almost becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy). Untill now. Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to get it of my chest. Comments, sugestions, thoughts, opinions... they are all very welcome. Thank you for your atention.

Holy crap.. I'm sitting here listening to some classical music and it feels like everything is in place now. It feels like i found the last piece of the puzzle that was making me so unproductive. This morning has been the most joyful and hopeful morning I've had in the last 3-4 months of darkness. Let me share with you my story and hopefully help someone in the community with similar problems. I'm also wanting to share this because I'm afraid I'm wrong and want some feedback. OK so i finished school in October, and was eager to work in the free market and make a living after being in a pretty bad internship. I started programming but found it really hard to work for more than 1-2 hours a day. At first I thought it was because I wasn't used to working solo, without obligations, and that with time I'd increase work hours. Didn't happen. Then I thought rage against my family would be a good motivator. It wasn't (don't get me wrong, the rage was totally justified). I thought about so many things that could be the origins of my problems and worked through them but nothing changed my behavior, and I became more and more sad and hopeless. I started to think nothing would work, but I kept on looking. I decided to hear http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/1076/procrastination-and-crushed-ambition-listener-convo-video-recommended Stef said something among the lines of: If we're not doing something that would benefit us we should look into the past and see if we were attacked for it. So I did, I started thinking about how my parent's would make me unmotivated. When I found something I enjoyed, they managed to crush it with countless reasons why it was hard and all the complications I could encounter (thinking about this reminds me of my own behavior, thinking about all the possible negative outcomes of everything). At the same time they would also complain that I was lazy. That was a big one in my childhood. I was just lazy. I would get good grades and when proudly talking about it with my parents they'd say "That's just your obligation". When I'd get bad grades, I was punished. They'd take the playstation or the internet "rights" from me. Even worse: Videogames were the only thing I could commit to. I loved them. I remember when I got my first playstation i played tony hawk the entire day - no complaining from my parents. I played it a lot during the next weeks and little to no complaining. So I grew up playing videogames as the only thing my parent's wouldn't bring up reasons against. They would never say "Oh but later levels may be too hard for you" or "This game is easy but the next one will be harder". It was the only thing I wasn't afraid of. So they threatened to take away from me the only thing I could find pleasure in. If you were a sadistic person in search of children to torment and abuse emotionally, this would be a fucking master plan. When those things were taken away from me i would go to my bedroom in rage and think about suicide. It was terrible.. After thinking about all this I then went to program and it was fun. Not perfect, but not nearly as hard as it has been. I'm still afraid I'll get attacked, but I'll continue to work on it, also reminding myself of the terrible childhood I had and that I'm doing the best I can considering what I went through. I'd love to hear your thoughts

Originally posted on Medium! Enjoy! As long as we stay around corrupt, abusive, and nasty people who overtly attack us, implicitly humiliate us through clever language tricks, or invalidate us subliminally through a sudden but brief look of contempt that immediately follows earnest proclamations that attempt to convince us they “understand where we’re coming from”, our entire emotional apparatus will remain compromised. So long as we remain in the presence of toxic people, our emotions will remain toxic through overstimulation; guilt becomes toxic shame, humiliation becomes chronic irritation, fear becomes hypervigilance and paranoia, while anger festers into murderous rage. Let’s have a more detailed look at anger as an example. Emotions are just another kind of information; information in the form of energy and the information that is being communicated through anger is that, not only has there been a violation or a transgression against you, but also that something needs to change, hence the energy which is designed to propel you into action. For instance, if you feel angry after being insulted by a bully, your anger is saying “get away from this person” or “remove yourself from the interaction”. But what happens when we cannot remove ourselves from the interaction? What happens if we are children, have no control over our environment and can’t escape because the bullies in our lives are our parents? Or, what happens even when we can control our environment and leave, but for whatever reason mistakenly believe that we can’t? Well, it is likely then that the anger will turn into rage. The difference between anger and rage is that while anger carries the message, “take control of your behavior and change things by leaving the dysfunctional environment”, rage says, “since we can’t remove ourselves from the environment let’s change things by controlling the other person” or, more simply put, by fighting back. This is why rage is often coupled with violent impulses to inflict physical or psychological damage on the other person. Again, it is designed to propel us into taking action that will change something. But what if we can neither fight nor flee from an abuser, as is almost always the case for children? What happens when we can’t run or when any attempt to fight results in greater harm for us? What happens when feeling these emotions become dangerous for us? The answer is that we end up feeling nothing. We become depressed. We enter the ‘freeze’ response similar to what we would enter into in the presence of a grizzly bear, a beast that we can neither fight nor run from; we play dead. Now, to be clear, it is terribly tragic for a child to ever have to enter into this response as a result of being raised by hostile parents, but at the same time it is totally healthy and necessary for preventing the child from further harm. It is unnecessary when this occurs for an adult who does indeed have the choice to get abusive people out of his life. Once we escape the corrupt and commit ourselves to healing, we slowly but surely can heal our emotional apparatus. And once we are safe to feel again, we gain access to our emotions like anger and grow confidence in our ability to process reality and self trust that our emotions accurately reflect reality. Eventually, people’s sneaky and crazy making attempts to undermine us and blame us for our feelings becomes extremely obvious and pathetic. We become our own proof.

Part three in the series I'm doing on the fear of rejection: what you can do about it and what could be the result of that.

Part two in the series I'm doing on the fear of rejection.

Part one in the series I started recently. It's on an issue almost all people I met or observed struggle—or have struggled—with. I plan to upload part two and three in the upcoming week.

I hope this will be useful to you, it’s an example of applying the principles I'm learning from Nathaniel Branden and Alice Miller and Marshall Rosenberg: I bought a used phone last week and after fixing some parts I realized it was locked and I didn't know how to get past that. The next day while preparing lunch and thinking about this problem I felt like a flushing inside my whole body, intense fear, I almost fainted, I guess from blood getting sucked into the spleen in anticipation for a life-threatening blow. Facing the thought that I had made “a mistake" in not thinking ahead enough when making this purchase was overwhelming. Using Alice Miller's idea that this exaggerated fear is likely a reaction to events in my childhood, I thought of how I grew up being very careful not to get caught doing anything I might get in trouble for, and the link became clear. If as a child I had spent money on a useless locked phone my dad would have been very angry with me because I wouldn’t have been a son he could have been proud of, which I guess unconsciously triggered in him the fear he felt from his childhood when he needed to be a perfect son otherwise his dad would be angry, etc. in a repetition going back from parent to child possibly many generations. As a child I wasn't aware of being afraid, probably because allowing myself to feel this intense fear would have hampered me in doing whatever I needed to do to not get caught. As a result I learned to repress this fear along with most of the events associated with it. Until I read Alice Miller's books and articles (alice-miller.com) and until I tried to imagine myself as a child whenever I experienced one of these strong and puzzling reactions, I was surprised to not be able to remember how afraid I felt in the few instances I did remember being threathened or hit. Now the repression is lifting and the fear is gradually coming back. The next step was to do something about the fear. Realizing that the adult I am now wasn’t in immediate danger standing there in the kitchen brought some relief, but not enough. The fear had been replaced by feeling helpless and lonely, I still didn’t know how to get the phone to work and stop the thoughts of “I am no good”. I longed for comforting arms, someone to understand what I was feeling, who would support me through it. Again this brought me back to my first years, how I didn’t get this comfort and support, and how my reaction had been to put all of it out of my mind because these experiences of abandonment had been too painful (mostly my father getting angry at me and yelling and hitting, whereas I looked up to him for protection and guidance, and my mother who could barely protect us children from him and found it difficult to comfort me when I needed it). This next realization, that once more it was unmet needs from the past that were affecting the present and causing these feelings, brought some more relief and I was able to go through the rest of the day without being so hard on myself when thinking of what to do with this telephone. Looking online for information on the effects of abandonment and how to recover from them, I found http://abandonment.net/articles where I read that fear of abandonment is really the primal fear and it is part of being human, and so the problem isn’t so much having this fear, as how we handle it (although people who live through extreme abandonment such as losing a parent during early childhood can be affected much more than most and it can be much more difficult for them to train to reassure themselves). Laying sleepless at 5am the next night thinking through all this, things then fell into place (most of these past 3 years I've spent doing self-work, this didn't come to me easily). Here was the idea I had been missing in order to better understand Nathaniel Branden’s statement “Nobody is coming to save you” and Marshall Rosenberg’s “It’s our responsibility to meet our own needs”. I had been thinking that I needed someone else to get reassurance from, as a child I had expected this from my mother and because she hadn’t been able to give me this past my first year I think, from around 7 I turned to looking for reassurance from girlfriends. It hadn’t occurred to me that I might be able to comfort and reassure myself. I am now training to give myself the security I need and so far it seems to be working, I am feeling more energy and more calm, less worrying and less confusion. So this is an example of how this process has been progressing for me, making sense of my past and understanding my needs and beginning to take steps to meet them. If you have any suggestions or comments I’m interested in hearing them. I want to express my gratitude to Nathaniel Branden and Alice Miller and Carl Rogers and Marshall Rosenberg, whose work helped me understand the importance of feelings and emotions (otherwise I wouldn’t have recognized it was fear and helpessness and loneliness that I felt, as I couldn’t recognize or admit to these feelings in myself, before), and how to think in terms of meeting universal human needs instead of thinking in terms of morally right and morally wrong, and to learn what self-esteem is and how to develop it. I am also grateful to Wes Bertrand for introducing me to this body of knowledge and for helping me make sense of it. And I also have immense gratitude for the friend who showed interest in helping me explore my childhood and reconnect with my feelings, instead of only having an intellectual understanding of them, and thus to unlock my empathy. (That’s why I had and I think most people today have very little empathy, because of this unconscious repression defense and not because we are “sociopaths” who have no capacity for empathy). Other friends have helped me as well, such as LovePrevails and Lens here on FDR. And recently I’ve been lucky to be able to trade with a student therapist who trains on me as a test client while I get an hour of support each week for free, which I’m very happy for because I would have trouble paying for that much therapy right now. A big Thank You to all! To give you an idea of how big a change this has been for me: before having children I spent a decade reading psychology and self-help books, and the best I could find were Virgina Satir’s books, which helped me some but didn’t help me understand the mechanisms at play. I did go to therapy as well, but the 2 therapists I saw apparently didn’t understand this either. If I hadn’t been lucky enough to come across all these important ideas and these high-empathy people in recent years, which in pre-internet times were even more difficult to chance upon, I would have kept on repressing all these feelings and memories, and upon seeing that the phone was blocked I would likely have found someone else to blame and got angry at them, such as my ex-wife, thinking it was her fault for having burdened me with trivialities that had thrown off my concentration and brought about this “mistake”. Or I would have gotten angry at my children. I used to go to any length to escape recognizing my part in any mishap, because I had this overwhelming fear that I was trying hard to not become aware of.

An impromptu video I recorded yesterday when testing my new microphone; on a quote by Alice Miller and on the delicate subject of suicide in general.

Hi everyone. A short introduction so we understand the context of my situation. I have a Cousin who I have a relatively close relationship to. I don't speak to him that often, but when we do talk, we talk about relatively deep subjects regarding philosophy, our upbringing and how it affects our development and similar topics. He studying for his masters degree in Social work, so he's come across various studies on child abuse and spanking, so he has some knowledge of the subject. He will become a father this coming august, and has expressed to me that he believes , despite the evidence he has come across, that spanking his son as a disciplinary action will be appropriate. He attempts to justify it in two ways. that he will not use an object to assist in spanking, as studies have shown that increases the risk of trauma to the child. His second point is that he believes that "you cannot have respect without fear." I know there are plenty of arguments against spanking that Stefan makes, backed up with research papers and the like. I was interested in hearing thoughts on the Idea of fear and respect, since that is a less discussed topics on his shows. his recent video " how to accept criticism" mentions towards the end that fear an respects are opposites. I want to explore positions on this concept so that I can help influence my cousin's opinion on the matter and dissuade him from spanking his child. I'm aware that he is ultimately the only one who can change his mind, but I figured that its worth a shot. any help on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

Part 2 on the struggles of setting personal boundaries, especially with toxic people. The main theme here is learned dependency. Setting Boundaries with Toxic People (Part 2): Learned Dependency

I've discussed atheism with several Christians I know, including two of my brothers. A common question that comes back at me is "what if you're wrong?" My reply has normally been along the lines of, "I'll take responsibility for my life, if I'm wrong then so be it." However, after some further thought, I think it is important to understand what motivates the question. For those who believe in hell, being wrong on the question of god means you're screwed. Pascal's wager comes into play for many people, and one of my brothers actually said words to the effect: 'If I'm wrong then what? I live a happy life and die, no real consequence. If you're wrong, well then you'll face judgement and potentially eternal suffering.' The implication is that you should hedge your bets and believe, just in case. This is, of course, a face-palm situation, but after some thought I'd like to just share what I think is a better answer to the original question. Q: "What if you're wrong?" A: "What are you afraid of?" Exposing the fear behind the question will likely lead immediately to a defensive stance. Most, if not all, people who believe are motivated by emotion, so engaging those emotions is necessary in order to have any impact. I recall Stefan Molyneux saying people cannot be reasoned out of a position they weren't reasoned into. So where reason fails, my thought then is that engaging the emotions might have some effect. From here, the conversation could basically go anywhere but I think there are two lines: 1. Believer denies being afraid, "I'm not afraid, what are you talking about?" In this case remind him, "the fear of god is the beginning of wisdom," and "do not fear those who can kill the body and not the soul, fear the one who can destroy both the body and the soul in hell" (typing this quickly I'll put in scripture reference later if people want them). If that doesn't work, then make the obvious connection for him, "you aren't afraid of being sent to hell?" At this point whether he accepts that he is afraid or not is irrelevant, you've made the important point and connected the dots, so even if he ends the conversation he will come to a challenging conclusion later on if he thinks back over it. Once he accepts that he is afraid, provided he hasn't ended the conversation then: 2. Believer accepts he is afraid of god, "Yes I fear God, as should you." Now is the point where you might make a moral argument against the god concept, stating that threats of violence and coercion are immoral. Perhaps tell him that he has been manipulated, and that fear leads to irrationality. The original question "what if you're wrong?" is a sign of stockholm syndrome, or the uncle tom epithet. It reminds me of Theon Grayjoy in Game of Thrones and his relationship to his torturer, his fear of 'master' caused him to resist when he had the opportunity to be rescued by his sister. I think it is important to show empathy, most Christians have buried their fear so deep that they no longer remember it. I recently reconnected to my fear of God and hell from childhood and it wasn't pleasant. I hope someone finds this helpful. Best regards, Josh

New article on the struggles of standing up for yourself in a toxic relationship; more specifically about self-doubt: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2014/06/setting-boundaries-with-toxic-people.html

My life has been shaped largely by social anxiety and the resulting behavior habits that have resulted. I have found the podcasts on this topic useful in sorting out this problem for me, but I was thinking it might be useful for others to have a compilation list of all of these shows. I know it is a huge problem with people drawn to these ideas, and it is something that will hold back these ideas. Some may need to be cropped from larger call in shows. I think I will edit this original post with the list. Add known episodes. Include times if known of relavant conversations.

I read an article a year two ago about a study that had been done that helped victims of child abuse overcome some of the emotional trauma from their abuse by writing about it. I guess I didn't think much of it at the time, or thought they were just talking about journaling or whatever. But reading it again recently I realized it might actually be pretty helpful. I recall some years ago trying to put together a story of my childhood to help me recall things that had happened and dramatic events traumatic events. I didn't get very far with the project partially because I type very slowly and partially because I couldn't emotionally connect with anything I was writing about. According to research that they have done at the University of Texas writing provides a means to externalize traumatic experience and make it less overwhelming. So this evening with the help of this article I wrote about some traumatic experiences from my childhood. One of being very scared by my father telling me about the boogie man when I was about three and then having a fever dream and seeing the boogie man's footprints on the ceiling. And another experience of being abandoned and lost at about the same age in a park when I was out walking with my parents. It really amazed me how much those experiences still triggered genuine emotions even though they happens nearly 30 years ago. I think that writing about the feelings that you had about traumatic events in your childhood and how you feel about them now can be immensely helpful. I'm now thinking that I will continue this project until I can get a firm grasp on much of the traumatic events that happened in my childhood. There's only so far that abstract understanding can get you. I've often wondered where Stef gets such clarity on the traumatic events of his childhood, and it's no doubts because he did a lot of therapy and journaling. I mean just this evening I've discovered that my father is a sadist or at least leans in that direction because he thinks it's a good idea or funny to tell a three-year-old about the boogie man who is going to come and get him. I have a daughter who is almost 3, and I would never tell her a malicious story of that kind. But beyond that I also realize that there are some things that will scare a child that's the parent cannot control. So for instance my wife brought home some live crabs and tried to cook them. Being inexperienced with live crabs she let them escape the pot and they ran all over the kitchen and scared my daughter when she saw them. My daughter was scared for weeks afterwards and had bad dreams about the crabs. Even now many months later she was very scared by a crab toy and we had to show her that it was just a toy and not scary. The points in telling that story is that my daughter was scared of the crabs but because she had caring and empathetic parents she has been able to deal with that, and we have not tried cooking more live crabs in the house so we are not re-inflict in any kind of scares on her. But with parents who delight in the idea of telling a child that a scary monster is coming to get them I had no one to help me process my fear or to help me feel safe. Anyhow that was a fairly long-winded way of saying that you should really look into writing about your traumatic experiences if you are having trouble processing them or if you want to gain some more self-knowledge.

A new video on perfectionism: What is perfectionism? How and why do people develop perfectionistic traits? Why is having perfectionistic traits problematic?

A new video where I talk about a segment from a TV show “True Detective,” about the purpose of religion, and about it's relation to insecurity and fear of mortality. http://dai.ly/x1d0iu7

Greetings true bel ... oops, wrong intro .... try again - sorry Stan. Hello all! Long story made short (unless somebody really wants the longer version over skype or something): I've shared an 8-year relationship with a woman that has been my friend for about 9-10 years (I'm 34- she's 33). We separated in the summer of 2013 and after much communication (and mutual listening to FDR podcasts, etc...) we've gotten ourselves to a point where we feel more committed and passionate about moving forward as a couple, but we have a hurdle we must cross in the form of the 2000+ mile distance created when we separated in June 2013 (she moved to Montana). It was during the separation that most of the difficult conversations and negotiations took place to bring us to this point. I visited in her in December, to be sure we were on the right track, and it was shortly after my return that I decided the relationship was worth a deeper commitment. Fast forward through more conversation and negotiation, and we come to the issue: I'm now preparing to move to MT in May to be with her. But, I'm experiencing frequent bouts of ambivalence about my moving out there, and I don't understand why. I have some ideas and theories, but nothing clear, nothing "AH HA!" I have a history of not listening to myself ... so, is this one of those times when I'm trying to tell myself that going out there isn't the smartest of ideas? I keep working through it, trying to understand the ambivalence. All of the reasons are fear of the unknown, as best as I can tell at this point. Fear of the job market, fear of leaving my current job, fear of her and I not being able to make it (financially) and have to move away again, fear of feeling overly dependent on her parents until she and I can find our own place. And the worst fear of all, is that I still don't trust myself, not completely. I have mismanaged (not being open nor emotionally available, sadistic, prone to manipulation) the last several years of my life, and while I no longer abuse myself over it, I'm still raw and uncertain about that history. Kind of like a broken arm that is freshly healed - it's tender and requires more care than normal. She is willing to come back here, despite it not being her preference. We've both said, "I don't care where we live, or if we have to live in a damn trailer, home is where you are." Right now, the money is here, but my current employer won't last much longer (business is failing), but there are a couple of other opportunities here I may be able to take advantage of if I work my ass off to show my value to these potential employers. When I think of her coming back, the ambivalence disappears, and I feel relaxed - more in control of the situation. Moving to Montana feels like "OMG, the pilot just passed out, quick somebody fly this damn thing - aaahh mountains!" There are pros and cons to living in each area, for the both of us. What I'm concerned about is understanding this near constant ambivalence. Am I trying to warn myself away because I don't believe it's an economically viable choice, or am I just expressing my habitual aversion to risk and lack of courage to commit to a major decision? I understand feeling afraid and uncertain about such a major decision, but I can't help wondering why I'm so scared some times. I've never done anything like this before, and most of my life has been very easy and lucky. Most of what I have is due to luck, not because I have proven my value to an employer and am being fairly compensated, and certainly not because I took any risks to get here. I don't have a job lined up, but I'm a pretty smart guy and am networking as best as I can so I can hit the ground running when I get there. I'm sure I'd eventually find a job, but the economy out there is such that there may not be the opportunity that I have here. I could try to make my own opportunity, but that is something I'd have to figure out when I get there as it would be far easier to work locally. She and I both considering going back to 2-year technical school where I can expand my internet technology knowledge, and she would refocus on her first college interest of a job in the medical industry (sonographer, surgical tech, something like that). I have enough money to move myself out there with some savings to spare, but not much. I'd be perfectly happy to help cover the expense of her moving back since she won't have enough to cover the return move to PA, if that is what we decided to do. We both agree we need to continue improving our relationship by being together - long distance is no longer cutting it. The fact that we were able to repair things and actually improve them at such a great distance is something I value highly, and I'm not letting go of that easily. She and I share a firm philosophical solidarity, something I really came to appreciate when I tried dating other people during our separation. What do you guys think? Would anybody be willing to help me understand what's going on for me? I have no problem with forums, but I generally prefer skype because it's more efficient, and I enjoy the immediate feedback loop of a live conversation. Plus, I'm a talker, but not nearly as much as the legendary BCF.

I think I just had a revelation just now, one dealing with knowing myself. I live in a dorm, and it seems this evening one of the other people in my dorm had brought some people over. And I could hear two of them talk. And when one in particular talked, something happened. I was filled with dread. Like, extreme fear filled my soul. God, it was so horrible. I was really terrified. And then it hit me. I recognize this. I have felt this before. It was a long time ago, but I have had this happen before on several occasions. This dread, this hellish fear that filled me, used to erupt when I saw people that bullied me when I was in elementary school. What is interesting, is that while I had this fear (have still), everything. EVERYTHING in my life, just feel so much harder. So frightening. When I know, on an intellectual level, that their not. Almost like the fear kind of spread to other parts of my psyche? I got so frightened. After a few minutes, something else came up: Anger. Intense hate. I just wanted him, and all others like him, dead. Just all dead. I didn't care how, just as long they were killed. After that anger and rage, I realized that I was familiar with that intense fear. And actually, now that I am writing this, I remember something else: That rage I felt. That intense hate. I felt that too, those years when I was bullied. It's really dark, that hate. It's very violent (mentally), very detailed. And honestly, they feel really good. Sadistically good. Anyways, the revelation: I have a hypothesis. All my years of being bullied (all of elementary, 9 years), I have sort of developed a hyper-sensitive ''radar'' for detecting people with bullying tendencies. Something else I realized, with the help of chatting with a friend just now: I have made some efforts to not think, and remember about my bullies. About how badly they treated me, how the humiliated me and threatened me. And now, when I am starting to do some true-self excavating, I think it could serve me to dredge up those memories, and study them. Because, maybe by turning away from that completely, I am missing vital information that could help me in my healing process. This was perhaps 30 minutes ago, and I can still feel the shock-waves inside me. God. it was so terrible. But I am really excited about this revelation, and my hypothesis, if it is correct. And, if it is not, what can be learned from this? Exciting. Excitement in the aftershock of intense fear. Its interesting I think. I can't express how good it felt to get this out of my system. I just thought and felt something. I love this forum. I love this community. I love the kind, honest, gentle, sympathetic in this part of the Internet. Just started chatting on the chat a few days ago, and I love the open, thought-provoking conversations there. Yes. You guys are great.

I've been unemployed for a long time and my parents have been helping me out. At Christmas Eve dinner we all went out. The server put the check in front of me after dinner and my father made a joke about me not being able to pay it. Almost everyone (my parents, older sister and my one aunt) laughed. It brought back memories of how they used to make fun of my at the dinner table when I was a pre-teen sometimes having to do with my sometimes feminine behavior (I'm gay). Looking back it was almost like I had no respite from bullying, since I went to public school. I wanted to say what I know Stefan would say, you know, the stuff about the groups of painters working on a painting for 20 years and then critizing how it came out. But I'm scared to say things like this to my parents and sister. Any thoughts or advice?