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Currently 19 years old, deciding whether or not I should set myself up for the possibility of a family later on, or whether I should set myself up for being single for the rest of my life. Thoughts? Pros and Cons for each? I'm an Omega male so getting laid isn't an option.

What is your "reason for being?" Why are you alive, as opposed to not alive? What do you strive for? Do you strive for anything beyond momentary pleasures? If so, what? How do you know it's worthwhile? Why do you want it in the first place? What value am I to society? Why do I care about my value? How do I know this is in fact my value? These are all questions I regularly ask myself, and while I have my own answers: I am alive because I like living more than not; I strive to build a family; I want to build a good family because I came from a terrible one; and I think it will be worthwhile because it works for Stef. I consider my language skills to be, essentially, my only real skill as, besides my ability to speak and write, I am a very plain person with only a layman's wisdom in any of the various fields I study--history, philosophy, self-knowledge, creative work, etc.--and therefore without my language skills I am not "special". And then there's that question; "Why do I have to be special?" My answer: I don't know, but I think I have to be special because I despise everything that is ordinary and mundane, and if I am mundane and ordinary, I must hate myself. These questions, I'm asking, for both personal and professional reasons. I want to know why people live. I want to know why you live. The reason being, I want to compare myself to others in order to gauge my own value relative to others who have signaled a desire for self-knowledge and self-reform by making themselves regulars of FDR. Also, I want to know more about superior people. Superior being defined as "willing and actively seeking self-improvement and evolution; as compared to inferior people who are wrongfully content with who they are. Wrongful content being determined based on the economic value and the depth of relationships one has." Therefore "right contentment" would be a millionaire following UPB and NAP along the same lines as Stef. He can be content because he has proven himself a man of quality, and established himself and his progeny above the masses. Asking again: What is your reason for being? You don't have to answer all the other questions, but I'd appreciate it if you did and shared how you determined your reason for being. After all, I'm not entirely sure if it is right for me to have this mindset that people should have a reason for being at all.

Good Sunday Afternoon, Fellow FDR Comrades for Anarcho-Capitalism, Peaceful Parenting, Rationality, and Stefan Molyneux Please Notice Me Senpai! Since I've noticed a few other listeners/forum-ers have posted similar topics about how helpful FDR and Stefan-senpai has been, I decided it was high time I shared my experience (from after graduating high school) and how Stefpai was instrumental in my success. During the Summer and Autumn of 2016, I had greatly pondered whether or not to go to college. You see, I want to be a novelist. That means writing books and convincing someone I'm worth his time and my product is worth selling. What does college have to do with that? "Maybe the piece of paper would magically grant me opportunities"... Or so I thought, until I watched what Stefpai had to say to similar ex-kids my age. I decided I'd be wasting time and money (and I mean lots of time and money!) if I decided to get a "Liberal" Arts Degree and risking my sanity if I purposely put myself in an environment where everyone (or at least the majority) think in ways I am diametrically opposed and probably even want me dead for the crime of being a heterosexual White male with Rightist politics. And so from late December to mid January, I followed Stefpai's wisdom of actually entering the Free(ish) Market I claimed to uphold and defend and also beat the temptation of living my youth as a welfare parasite. In six weeks, along a schedule like this: Mondays; Talk to employers/manager's on the phone I've met or yet to meet; Wednesdays; Spend from noon to 6:00 pm knocking on every store from mom-and-pop's to smoking dens (cough cough) and Target to find a job (or at least seduce the employer into expediting my hiring). Thursdays; Review with my therapist (which I got on the advice of the Stefpai) what I was doing and how I'm doing it; Saturdays; Plan out what I'd be doing the following week. Eventually, after being to literally 90-something shops (with some repeats where I felt a little more time and persistence could get me a job) my resume was finally reciprocated by a young and wise Pakistani business owner who wanted someone to train and teach as a protege so he could expand his already successful enterprise. What was this enterprise? I had no idea. I forgot I even I submitted my resume to him. However, the morning after the call I followed Stefpai's business mindset of remembering it was the customer whose weight sustains the business, and respecting the role of my future (and now current) employer whose own energies had turned a dusty and empty space into a workshop full of technical gadgets I couldn't even begin to name. I knew nothing of technology (beyond vidya games) or how to repair them (I never break them), let alone how to do web designing, security, or finances. And yet, the man hired me. I knew he would too. When asked the loaded questions of "what would you do in X scenario" I gave answers that both my employer and his financial partner liked, which seemed to greatly compensate for my non-existent work history or experience in tech. And by God was this an opportunity; I went, nearly overnight, from parasite to workingman. However, this was just the beginning. I spent the last few weeks in training (unpaid but free, 30 hours a week) and now with only one week left I'm confidant in saying I now know what an LCD is and how to unscrew the multitude of tiny screws on iPhone 6S + Gorilla Voodoo Machine and finally secure not just my first job but something that could lead to a pretty stable and financially secure groove from which I can devote myself to my true career as a novelist. And so, with the security of employment and the persistence that promises Victory, this young bachelor's story begins. Now I just have to put in the work and learn what I can, seeing how far I can go while doing what I love (writing) so that once that's done I can start again the process of persistence and tenacity (redundant emphasis, I know) to actually sell what I've spent 6 years working on since I was 12. That was my FDR helping IRL for business and careers story, what about YOU?

"What do I actually do?" is a question I hear an awful lot from young European men like me. I decided to make a checklist to make things simple for myself and to whomever is interested. The west is dying. Our governments are monstrously large, our vote doesn't seem to matter 80% of the time, and we are all isolated in our own little worlds. So what are the concrete steps to take to save Europe? This is what I want to initiate a dialogue about. Here are what knowledge I have accumulated from men and women much wiser than I: simple and doable for every common European young man. (To not make it seem like I am all words and no action, I will add what I am doing specifically under every point.) 1. Don't drink. Drink once with your family as you reach legal age, then don't drink again until you drink with your son. It's a waste of money, neurons, time, self-respect, health. - I drank a few times with my family only. I don't anymore, because I have seen my loved once drunk, and that was a sufficient argument for me. 2. Don't have sex. Until you can provide for a family, just don't. Plus, using other people for pleasure is the most repulsive thing in the world, even if it is consentual. - Unfortunately, I failed at this one. I was far too curious, but I haven't done it for a solid 2 years now. 3. Get into 3 fights. Loose one, win one, and draw one! If you haven't done this before you finish school, you can get back to this anytime. 4. Finish school. I know, school sucks, and it is essentially the latest form of slavery. But the fact of life is that you need that piece of paper to be considered a human being. Plus, school isn't THAT hard. - I got suspended numerous times for my behaviour (got a big mouth) at school, and I hated every minute of it, but it is good to know that I could survive that whole thing. 5. Get away from your parents! Use your momentum, and get away from the town your family lives in. Get into university, enlist in the militray, go volunteering, whatever really. Just get out! - I went to another city for university as soon as I finished school. It sucked, but I learned to be independent. 6. Go to 1 grownup party. You have to know how decadent your peers are. If you think you are missing out, trust me, you are not. There is nobody there that you want to be associated with once your career kicks off in a few years. 7. Work for free. This might sound weird to some people, but you have to learn what it is like to be a slave. Your currency is work ethic, experience, contacts, and above all, trust and appreciation. Money will follow. - I have worked as a volunteer for the Jesuit Order for a year, and seeing my value, they hired me as a part-time employee. Still, the biggest reward is that I have allies all around the world now. 8. Find what your mission. There are actually 3 steps to this: - What do you do in your free time? Your freetime activities are a good indicator to what you have affinity for. If you play games all day, you may have a future as a sortware developer. - What looks awful? Look around you, and find what you want fixed. Then fix it. - How do you look before God? At the end of your life, what will you have had to achieve in order to not to be ashamed to stand before your creator? 9. Eat well, sleep well, work well. 3 filling meals, 8 hours of sleep, 6 hours of work minimum, and 20 pushups per day. Simple as that. - I wake up every morning at 6 to go work out by the Danube river for an hour. Even in the winter. 10. Become independent of your parents if you haven't already. Get a paying job, or a scholarship. - I have been getting nothing from my parents for over a year. Feels pretty good. 11. Clean up your past. Arrange a meetup with your parents as soon as you become independent, and sit down to talk with them for 8 hours. If they refuse, offer to pay for their time. If they still refuse, they don't love you. Try again in 3 years or so. - I couldn't set things straight with my father yet. I invited him to Budapest, I arranged accommodation, entertainment, everything. But then he told me he was disappointed in me. It was a disaster. I shall try again next year, when I will invite him to Belgium. 12. Join a community. If you can't find a community, then make one. - This was probably the hardest for me, even though I am extremely blessed, as I have the best people around me as my colleagues. 13. Dress well. No need to complicate this. Just dress as if you were going to see your dream girl for the first time every single day. - Got this one down. 14. Read the Bible. Whether you like it or not, the bible is the foundation of western civilisation. Literally every single fairy tale, and movie production is a "gesunkenes Kulturgut" of the Bible. If you haven't read the Bible, you don't know what you are fighting for. - Checked. 15. Choose your place. If you haven't already, find a good spot to create your family, and to live out the rest of oyur life. This may be almost as difficult as predicting the stock market. - I am not here yet, but I have begun the research. 16. Find a woman, marry her, and love her. However, do not ignore the power of boners. Do not make your choice alone. Have your allies give you the green light. - Not there yet, but I have begun the research. 17. Make lots of soldiers. A population needs 2.1 babies per woman to sustain itself. But since not everyone has such foresight as you, you should make at least 6. Plus I need men for my crusade. 18. Homeschool your children for as long as it is legal. 19. Do not divorce. Affections will die, the wife will get old. It will be tempting, yet you will be a man of your word. 20. Fulfill your mission. You will know when you have.

Culture is the hierarchical system of values of a people. Depending on culture, we call certain people heroes, others fanatics, just because they died for something they believed in. For most of history, we have always known that while human life is precious, it is not the most valuable thing in the universe. People have always given up their lives or that of others in favour of other values. Socrates gave his life for truth, the 300 gave theirs for Greece, martyrs die for their sky daddy, the marine in the jungles of Vietnam died for... something, the alcoholic dies for his gluttony... etc On a personal note, I do not trust anyone who would not give his dear life for some sort of ideal. I have more respect, more trust, and more admiration for the Jihadi who very well may blow me up tomorrow, than for the aerage pathetic, lazy, fat, chips-eating, low-testosterone, selfish western kid who takes it out in the comment section on the Jihadi for being a "fanatic". What is the value most worth your life?

I've been pondering this thought for a while; Is the West worth defending? The West of today, I can say without any doubt, is not worth defending, not worth dying for. Islam, to anyone who isn't a member of the cult, is very much a real life and death threat. I'm not saying they're the same; the West isn't likely to lynch me (yet) while Islam most certainly would. What I am saying, (and asking), is that with the West's gynocentric democracies, LGBT nonsense, increasingly Socialistic and Fascistic governments, and decreasingly White or identitarian cultures, is doomed to die eventually. I simply cannot see how the West will ever return to Nationalism and Capitalism, or progress towards Anarcho-Capitalism. All I see is a wheel spinning that will eventually lead to a repeat of history (whether it be South Africa, Brazil, the USSR, or NatSoc Germany--they're all seemingly inevitable disasters). With the White Woman being the greatest enabler of this travesty and the White Man becoming increasingly inert and flaccid, I simply lost the empathy to care for this "civilization". My thoughts (not a plan, really) are to simply tend my own garden and find a way to bunker down and stay away from the major hot spots where disaster is likely to occur. Call it cowardice, call it treachery. I don't care. In the 18 years I've been alive I have never cared for the non-existent values of this carcass and am convinced that the values history and some right-wing (and pseudo-right wing) claim existed either never existed beyond a small class of talented individuals or only existed in society for a brief period in time. But what I want to know is this; what does the FDR community think and am I right to think and act in such a way? EDIT: I posted in the Self-Knowledge section because I know this isn't an intellectual matter but a very personal one. While I think I have logical factors into my thought process I am also sure my own personal experiences and emotions have driven them. Therefore I'm focused more on the personal side of it rather than the intellectual side.

Hey everybody, I am very proud and glad to share with you a review I've been wanting to do for a couple years now and that's for The Fault in Our Stars; a story about two teenagers with cancer who meet at a support group and fall in love with each other. I want to thank everyone here who has watched my videos so far, provided helpful feedback in terms of production quality as well as philosophical views on some of the stories, and I hope you continue to watch and share with newcomers!

Hello, folks! Today, I'm making a firm decision to dedicate the entire month of March to re-assessing the direction I wish to take my life, defining what I want in my relationships, and re-assessing my belief system from the ground up to address areas where I am inconsistent. The idea to embark on this project came about as a result of some key realizations I've come to in journaling extensively over the past several days. -- Firstly, I've realized that I am trying to seek love in finding a new partner without first truly loving myself through and through. I wanted to be loved first (and give love later), but neither can be truly sustained according to traditional wisdom without first establishing self-love. I'm a fundamentally good person, but I've made mistakes long in my past which cause a deep sense of self-doubt and reluctance in accepting that I am worthy of a virtue-based romantic relationship.. It was mind-blowing to realize this, but I think it's a crucial first step in the solving of any problem to first identify that it exists. I am perhaps most eager to tackle this issue in therapy and whatever means you're aware of which are useful for establishing genuine self-love and respect would be greatly appreciated. Secondly, I've realized that I've put the cart before the horse regarding my online business, creating loads of valuable content at an unprecedented pace without first realizing that I am a complete beginner without a sound grasp of the fundamentals of what it takes to run a successful online business. I've been operating based upon past experience, intuition, and what little knowledge I've picked up from conversations, books, and podcasts. Some things I'll be pondering deeply are: which social media platforms are most relevant to my niche, how to conduct myself on social media, learning the fundamentals of blogging and article creation, the fundamentals of running a successful eCommerce store, and so on. I've steamed ahead at full speed prior to studying the proper ways to accomplish my goals; this means I will likely have to unlearn many bad habits and fix many problems I've created for myself. Third, I've realized that I'm completely taking the philosophical arguments of Stefan Molyneux at face value without healthy skepticism and research into alternative explanations or rebuttals. (surely I'm not alone... right?) I've gained a sense of intellectual comfort in "knowing" that the Non-Agression Principle is valid, that UPB is valid, that there's such a thing as Property Rights, and that there's no God. Regardless of the validity or truth in the conclusions I have in my mind, I've become aware that I've arrived at them through a critical methodological error: I outsourced my own thinking to the thinking of another man. I've never fully read the source materials from the original proponents of these concepts and critically analyzed them. Instead, I listened to someone who "did the job for me", and accepted his explanations as truth. This is clearly not a healthy way to arrive at any conclusion; I've decided I'm going to have the intellectual integrity to do my own reading and arrive at my own conclusions. -- Frankly, it's not fun to realize all of this in the span of less than a week. I've put about half of my eggs into the basket of my business, and need to be successful in that venture in order to sustain myself. However, I can't seem to focus much at all on business with the shift in consciousness I've experienced due to these key realizations. I liken this to a mild existential crisis, and I'm ready to face the challenges ahead of me no matter the cost. I feel sincerely that my life is accelerating and that I must rise to the challenge; it's exciting and intimidating at the same time! I have found that the community here is full of good-willed, intelligent, and experienced individuals with a willingness to offer valuable perspective to help others. Perhaps some of you have experienced something similar, and can offer some advice on what helped you through the struggle of an existential crisis where your gravest errors in thought and plan were made apparent to you. Maybe you know a couple of good books on the subject of introductory metaphysics and epistemology, and you'd like to share those. Heck, even if you've got an interesting article to share that you think could help myself or others, please share it! No matter what advice, perspective, or resources you offer, I'll sincerely appreciate them! I'm looking forward greatly to engaging you all in conversation .

Old wisdom backed by new research: http://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness

I had a lot of fun talking and thinking about this. Hobbies! What are they for? What are they even? Can you have hobbies when the world is on fire? Also, being crazy about your passions! Let me know what you think

I had a lot of fun talking and thinking about this. Hobbies! What are they for? What are they even? Can you have hobbies when the world is on fire? Also, being crazy about your passions! Let me know what you think Video is improvised, none-scripted and kind of crazy. You have been warned!

How has philosophy changed your life? And have you been able to surround yourself with like-minded people? Just curious

Hello, my name is benji (: I am a very driven person who loves to stay busy and meet new people (: . I just graduated with my bachelors degree in psychology with a minor in special education. I chose this path because I think it truly is the best way for me individually to help people and to spread the knowledge of goodness (: .In regards to what I do for fun, I love to play soccer. I have played for the UNC men's soccer team throughout my college career, which I will miss once I graduate. Although, I have just joined a Fort Collins coed soccer team!! AND IT IS SOO MUCH FUN!! hehe... I love to be active and routinely involve myself in different sports clubs and programs in order to live my life to the fullest (: . Most of all I love goodness/virtue, morality, and love. I spend most of my days researching and learning about new therapeutic methods in hopes to begin to add some good into this world (:. Simply I love knowledge,morality, honesty, and integrity. these are the some of the most important principles that make up the nature of who and what I am. Interestingly, I do enjoy partying and letting loose. But I am finding thats not exactly what makes me happy in all honesty. Although, I am very extroverted and can be the life of the party. hehe. Thusly, I enjoy long walks that involve lots of talking, i routinely video tape conversations I have, in order to preserve those moments that we all love, that we all wish to last forever (: .... What i loev most of all is creating and maintaining a deep and loving connection based on honesty. I am currently seeking a 100% honest and open relationship. Specifically my standards for relationships are only 3 honesty, courage, and kindness. These are the standards by which I am currently seeking a romantic partner and friends in my life. If your curious about anyone of my standards. I will love to discuss them further (: ... life is a series of challenges, but having people who you can share those hard occasions with is something that will only make those obstacles easier and more fun to climb together (: .... So what do you say? message me and lets do some climbing. hehe hehe, I simply love to love, . I do have a plan for the future, but of course, life and everything is always subject to change at any moment, so embrace the change, as no doubt, IT IS a beautiful time to LIVE!.... Also, I am a health nut so to speak. Eating healthy, working out, and maintaining my physical health is a very important quality of my life. (:, .... , In observation of my "Benji Nature" I am truly a cuddle bug and especially enjoy cuddling my fluffy puppy Charles, hehe. I have been told that i am a soft warm hearth to entertain ideas and enlighten the harder issues that many of us struggle with. for example, relgion, politics, life and death, purpose of life, these are all some of the most important things THAT ARE NEVER TALKED ABOUT!! therefore my goal is to change the world ........... with 1 tool love/empathy. and love is what i am seeking (: although, that will take time, so please know that truly, we are just becoming friends, because best friends make the best, life time lovers (:

Hello to my fellow board members. I'd first like to say I've been a long-time FDR fan and donater. I discovered Stefan's show through similar movements like those of Ayn Rand or Adam Kokesh, and have listened to - at least - one thousand of his podcasts by this point in time. This show has changed my life, and the relationships in it, for the best. So to Stefan, as well as all of you for your role in the show: thank you. I've learned recently, through the use of unrelenting curiosity and maturity in my conversations and reflections, that my parents are nihilists. I won't get into the details of the situation I experienced right now, nor the complexity of my childhood (which caused in me a severe anxiety disorder and teenage drug use). However, I would like to explain how, after applying RTR and philosophy to my life and relationships, the information learned from their use causes everything to slide and click into place. What I mean is that, after a particular conversation with my father, and through days of introspection and note-taking after the fact, I learned that my parents are somewhat sociopathic nihilists. What it was that "clicked into place," so-to-speak, was the devastating realization that my anxiety disorder takes the form of my nihilistic fathers voice, which eats and has eaten through my thoughts and motivations throughout everyday of my entire life. This leads me to the rather depressing issue at hand: for the past few weeks, occasionally, I've been experiencing severe depressive states generally followed by serious considerations of suicide. The problem: I DON'T WANT TO DIE... as of now my eyes have teared up and I feel pressure in my sinuses. I've promised myself that I would never take such an action, but I feel so afraid that my future self won't be able to handle the stresses of life and be driven to do this; and I feel nothing short of pure terror. So, from the folks on here, I ask simply for connection. For people who care about life, philosphy, and the future to have serious conversations with, to know that I'm not alone in the world; there are so few I can consider myself close to. I'd like to talk about my experience with anxiety, with life stresses, with my parents, as well as share some RTR success stories. I'm also new to the board as far as posting goes, and new to forums in general, so I ask for empathy in that regard. Glad to join the group, Mason

Hi, I got a question and answer concerning the purpose of life. I was thinking about 'What is the purpose of life' and seeing and hearing all the material Stefan Molyneux has provide to me through his Youtube channel, I would conclude that the purpose of life is to get offspring (be a parent) and one day ask your child / children at an adult age, if they think you did a good job as a parent raising them up to be rational, free thinking individuals. Would you agree? How do parents think about this? Thank you,

In this officially first (and hopefully not last) Self-Archeology vidcast I share my thoughts on the concepts of death, existence, and mortality.

Basically, I am living with my father, he is abusive, I am 16, and I feel it is time to leave and stand up. I lost my mom at age of 10, so she is not around. I feel like my only option is to try to sue my father for child support, which is not really what I want to do because its using the state, and so on. But in the past he would hit me, I pushed him once and he called the cops anyways. He also said I was a drug dealer and said he had some which he had taken away a few days ago. Anyways recently, yesterday, my dad hit me for the first time in a while and I am kind of fearful, anxious and not sure what to do. Can anyone please offer some advice? I put myself in foster care previously and it was basically prison (no going out past 9 or 10pm or theyll call the cops) and stuff to that effect. Long story short, according to laws, once I have turned 16 I cant even go into foster care anyways (the old case was closed). I dont see any or many options. But I feel I must leave. I also have no friends or family friends or family that I could stay at or really trust. Any advice would be deeply valued. Thanks Jake

Over the past few years, I have formulated my philosophy of life, a 13-page document that may be found at either of the following links:https://docs.google.com/file/d/0Byh6JnTg3RMecHhxV0pYeklqV0U/edit?usp=sharinghttp://www.scribd.com/doc/183418623/My-Philosophy-of-LifeIn the first half of the document, I present and defend the following positions: atheism, afterlife skepticism, free will impossibilism, moral skepticism, existential skepticism and negative hedonism. The second half of the document is devoted to ways to achieve and maintain peace of mind.I have found the entire exercise to be very beneficial personally, and I hope that you will benefit from reading the document.I am posting my philosophy to solicit feedback so that it may be improved. I welcome any constructive criticism that you may have.Enjoy!

I thought I'd share some thoughts I have had these last days. Perhaps there are others out there that feel, may feel, or have felt the way I am feeling now. Just want to let you know, if that person is you: There is hope. And I think you know it, deep down. Last thursday, I went out to jog in the spring sun for a while. After about 15 minutes into my run, I sort of had a series of revelations hitting me. I realized that most of the things I am doing in my life at the moment, are not things I want to be doing. Instead of doing things I want to do, or not do anything at all. I felt like I wanted a total do-over with my life (the parts I had power over, not my childhood). Like, fake my death, have a fresh start. Not know the people in my life, so I could get away from all the responsabilities I have, without having angry glances shot at me, without people talking behind my back as the guy who dropped it all and made it uncomfortable for others. Now that I just wrote that, I got this thought that maybe I am mistaking my now adult relationships with my childhood ones. That perhaps, I won't be attacked for quitting the things I don't want to do. Even if I get attacked, so what?, is another thought. Most of the people I know that theoretically would attack me are not people I like that much anyway. I find our interactions dull, lifeless, shallow. What I have gotten from the relationships I have today at college is 98% of what I thought I wanted when I was a child, when I was a prisoner in school: Recognition for ability, respect because of my position, social status. Things that I now think I realize aren't virtous, aren't important. That what I am doing is what most other people do around me: Hide from the past, or adhere to it, revere it. I only got one shot. One life. One pinball. And I have to make what's best of it, not wasting time with dead people, doing things I don't want to do. Yesterday, I felt really terrible during the evening. I thought ''What is a life without conflicts? What does that feel like? I don't think I can imagine what that is like. I feel scared. I don't know what to do with my life. The world is a dark place. Everything feels empty, like a black void. Is there a meaning to anything?'' And then I thought: Maybe this is my soul, tugging at it's chains. Struggling to break free, fighting tooth and nail against the mindlessness, the black hole the people around me worship? Maybe I am seeing more clearly now, that I am again, seeing the world for the dark place it can be. Or perhaps it's me self-attacking in some way, because I am going to give up the things I don't like doing, and that my inner-critic sees this as laziness? I am not sure. Maybe that's what I have been doing, mimicing my father by taking on several projects at once, saying that we love being busy, while I know that both him and I are trembling beneath the stress, hating it because the people around us do so little in comparison, which I have seen make my father turn bitter. And lately, I have felt bitterness for that same reason too. And all of this gets us what? Recieve the shallow gratitude of others, for being ''the guy that works really hard!'' or ''that man that get's things done!''. ''You work so hard! That's really impressive of you!'' And if that's the case, is my father also trying to hide from attacks from his inner-critic, for not doing things? For the fear of being called lazy? I still feel this emptiness inside. That all the things that I used to enjoy, or thought I enjoyed, were nothing but escapes from my past pain. That the only thing they did was to please my inner-critic, to do what I was supposed to do: Become my father. Be that hardworking, no resting kind of guy! Take on the burdens of others, because dammit, someone has got to sacrifice themselves on that altar, and that someone must be me! It is my purpose! It's what I deserve! I may not rest! And really savor the bitterness that follows, because other people arn't up to pair, and life isn't supposed to be fun! It's about sacrifice. At least, that's my hypothesis, as to why I feel the way I feel. But, underneath this emptiness, I can feel a sliver of hope. That lantern of self-knowledge I lit more than a year ago isn't dead. I take all these feelings and thoughts as evidence that I am on the path to something big regarding myself. That my feelings are trying to tell me something, that they are trying to steer me somewhere. So, all I can do now, is really try and listen to myself, and dig even deeper than before. To strike that vein of self-knowledge gold.To break out of the patterns of childhood. I can actually see bars infront of my inner eye of sorts. It's hard to explain. But, I am standing behind bars, finally, really, with my whole being, realizing that I am behind bars. Rays of sunlight find their way through the gaps in my prison cell, dazzling me. And I know I want out. I just don't know how. At least I know I am in a prison now.

Hello. I wanted to share this with the board, in the hopes of someone might have advice they could share with me. Be warned though, this could very likely be a very messy post, because my thoughts are all over the place. My situation today: I am in collage, studying at the moment two REALLY easy courses, which gives me in a sense, all the free-time in the world. This has been the case for a month now. My weeks have looked like this basically: Go to the gym 3-4 times a week, listen to pod-casts on FDR, work as a volunteer at my union's union-house as a chef's apprentice and as personal when there are night-clubs, go to parties with my friends, work within my fraternity, hang with my two closest friends in my dorm. However, the last week or so, I have noticed something that consumes enormous amounts of my time: Sitting in front of the computer, doing practically nothing. Basically pressing F5 while on facebook. And for the last few days, my mood has deteriorated. I have felt apathetic, powerless. Imprisoned within my own room, and I am my own guard. Or, my anxieties are my guards. Well, that's a hypothesis I have at least. Could be wrong of course. What I mean by that is, that I am running short on money. I am, for the first time in my life, approaching a situation where I MUST find myself a job to pay the rent and put food on my table. Problem is, I have extreme anxiety around the prospect of applying for a job. Essentially paralyzing me when I for example, try to write a resume. Today, just 20 minutes ago, I took out my camera, and recorded myself for 30 minutes straight (I used to do my journaling text, but now I am trying out video-journaling and I find it easier actually), just blurting out stuff. Stuff like ''Alright, I am really frustrated because I want something to do! But not just something to pass the time, but something I have a passion for! Something that I can devote almost all my time to, make a living out of, have as my life-goal! I want a purpose! I want meaning!'' My mind was racing at this point, I wasn't sitting down recording, but pacing about, starting to breathe like I had been running for 30 minutes as a not-so-fit-person (basically, I hadn't done anything physically that would make me breathe like that). I would stop talking during that time and start to sing instead, that I didn't know what to do with my life. I also noticed a few thoughts pop up in my mind, which did not make sense to me. Thoughts like ''Your life is over, it's to late to achieve anything, you had your chance but you passed it up!''. Even though, intellectually, I know that I still have time. I am only 21 years old, and I have passion! I have good health! But I don't know where to put all my potential! I don't know what to do with my life. Sigh. I am sorry if it is all over the place.

Have you ever been told by a doctor that you have a chronic condition that will change your life from diagnosis going forth? it may affect your mobility, cognition, sight, etc, or other quality of your health and life negatively? Were you given a shorter life expectancy and/or increased physical burdens that made you consider how long you have? So much to do, never enough time. What about your kids? personal goals? Shoot me a message privately if you want a more intimate conversation about the topic. Many those who have had a loss need to know they are not alone. I would like to point out that personal loss of health, mentally and physically comes with age as our bodies wear out, are exposed to illnesses, injury etc., it is natural and it sucks to go through but so goes the arrow of life to death. As I remember, Stefan called it "the best cancer ever". Wow Stef, was he just trying to put a smiley on his face?! No, I know now that he felt it. It is that realism, that meaning to the meaningless, vivid-life, lucid dream one is in wear their life rushes through them and they feel a need for expression and a fulfillment of certain life goals, a need to self-improve. You take that look over your shoulder to scan the whole Maslow pyramid. Safety and security meme's for your family and wishes, memes to achieve self-actualization, and even if at all. Let me know what ya think.