LovePrevails

hey thanks for the reply I numbered your points so I could reply re: 1) I can see that concern - I think the point she was making was that when I "interrupt her" it's kind of like shaking someone awake, she is not grounded/patient. While that is "her" issue to deal with - being given the suggestion that if I want her to pay attention I should touch her first to avoid conflicts is still an attempted engagement at problem solving. This does not radically improve the relationship, but as I say, any reduction in conflict is welcome since my financial situation compels me for the time being. re: 2) That would be a really good suggestion if I was dealing with an acquaintance or friend, thing is with family it's kind of like trying to be the counsellor in prison for the criminal that perpetrated a crime against you. I am far too triggered by all her little annoying habits to stay present through trying to help her. I am very good at helping friends improve their ways of communication but family is just too hard! Too much history.

thing is if someone violates the NAP by verbally abusing me I am entitled to not treat them with UPB in my own speach if I choose to do so or I'm too triggered by their attack within the self this will no doubt lead to worse consequences, if I verbally abuse myself then another part verbally abuses the verbal abuser part etc.

I recommend the book by Alfie Kohn "Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community" it gives a lot of great insights into how education could be dramatically improved

there are lots of barriers to entry in those countries so many entrepreneurs should be able to set up shop there for cheap labour that they bit up the price of workers

What about me? I don't hold the same political positions as you so I don't have to be congruent in my day to day principles with your political believes on the other hand I have been consistent with my own principles, I've volunteered on forest retoration projects and made myself available for over a hundred hours of counselling and relationship-coaching for free for people who could not afford it not saying that makes me a great guy, I wanted to do it to help and I got something out of it myself including experience and the warm fuzzy feeling of bonding over the stuff that really matters I also modelled what was possible in terms of taking practical steps to help improve the world we should all get as much as possible involved with the hands-dirty work of helping not just saying what the world should be like in tems of politics (like redistribution of wealth etc.)

I agree with above

I've been withdrawing from the fam for all the usual reasons like feeling like a bit of an object, not being able to speak about stuff that matters for very long without peopels eyes glazing over unpleasant interractions/arguments about the kind of treatment I enjoy (being listened to with curiosity/not interrupted/not being constantly criticized by mum/not being offered unsolicited advice on everything I share instead of curiosity/not being interfered with if I'm doing any task at all and told how to do it better)... also the atmosphere and the fact they fight like cat and dog? Why do you see them at all? i hear you wonder the main reason is I tach piano here on a Saturday and I really can't say no to the £85 a week ($140) there are elements of my parents personalities I do very much enjoy they just don't come out to play enough because they are usually at a heightened state of tension around arguing with each other and other life problems so they're almost always in a close to defensive mode. If I get my dad out at a bar (as we do maybe a couple times a year when my mum is away) we have a good conversation as its out the house, similarly I managed to get my mum to come along to a 2-day NVC foundation course and seriously that is the first time I remember enjoying her company for 2 days in a row - all the elements of her personality I actually like came out and she was like a little girl trying to learn, it was truly beautiful to behold. Sadly 2 days is not enough to internalize those concepts and improve her communciation so she is not very daggery and hurtful to my dad or anyone when she gets angry, but because she enjoyed it she is interested in going to more. Looking at the way my parents communicate it would help a lot for them to learn NVC or some other alternative better way of expressing needs/feelings and problem solving rather than using adjectives and having a who-is-right-who-is-wrong conversation. Thing is my mum is not one to read or listen to podcasts, she is a very hands-on person (she does all these courses at college in woodwork, joinery, dress making, soft furnishign, etc.) so courses are the only way she can really engage and those are only on once in a while. Anyway, i digress. Since that weekend and specifically because, wheras I used to hang aroud a bit at the weekends now I just come in, go to my room and do some work or surf the net, have dinner, then do all on my own, she has been a lot nicer to me. Like she's trying to show she wants to win back my affection. She also says I have been a lot more attentive but I suspect that's because my exposure is more limited so I am less highly strung about interacting because my patience has been stretched. I've been living with my girlfriend for the last few weeks and we treat one another very well so that's been good for my mental state. So today I was standing by the kitchen my mum was cooking and I said something. She dind't hear/ignored it. I let it slide. Then I said something else, same thing. Because this is part of a pattern of behaviour I really don't enjoy I raised my voice again and started with those two-least favourite words "You never---" acknowledge me when I'm talking. Well she turned round and shouted "I'M BUSY!!!!" but because I've not been around her so much and I've been enjoying my life I didn't lose my cool, I just said that nonetheless I didn't find it acceptible that she shouted at me, and if she has a problem say it.I said no one else in my life shouts at me and that I thought she was being a bully. And she said "yup you're right" and I didn't know if she was just appeasing me. Anyway she served the food in silence and when up for a bath. When she came downstairs she opened up the conversation basically saying that she doesn't know why she can't just say "I'm doing something at the moment" instead of blowing up, she knows she has a lot on her plate and said the things that she had been worried about and that she was angry at herself for blowing up at me - which, btw, is a freaking miracle in my house - to have her say something like that. I suggested that she would benefit from speaking to someone (a counsellor) because her pot is always almost overflowing and if she can speak to someone it would help her unload so she's not constantly close to brekaing point. She started saying she'd phone this one and that one to find out who she could speak to. Then (I had to insist a bit) but I got her to listen through me explaining I get annoyed when she ignores me because it is part of a pattern, it activates all the other times I have come in and said hello or anything and she has just not acknowledged or responded to what I have said and I feel invisible and like a non-person when she does it. She said that when she is doing something she is completely focussed on it and needs to "come off her surf board" before she can even come down to earth and hear me, so what I need to do if I want her attention is actually go over and touch her. The thing that's really stunning about this interaction is that it actually resulted in both parties being heard and a genuine attempt from her to problem-solve It was partly because I haven't been around much so I wasn't so triggered I lost my cool I managed to stay present, state my feelings and needs, hear her side, and make sure I was heard. I hope she goes through with seeing a counsellor it will help her and my dad a lot. He also should speak to someone, I'll remind him when he gets back from holidays he was considering it last time but he's always regarded it as something he would be doign "for her" rather than for himself - i tried to say it was for his own benefit. I think I can convince him. Anyway, since I have to go there financially at least for the time being, any improvement in the interactions make my life easier. Thanks for reading long post, think I needed to get it out.

From my own written self-reflections: - When I was young, my overwhelming experience was the underlying feeling that nothing I could do was right. That somehow, as a human being, I was inherently wrong, even though on one level I may have asked myself “What's so bad about me?” and couldn't find anything specific - the treatment I was receiving day to day was constantly reinforcing the idea that there must be something wrong with me because it was my fault that adults and children were treating me badly, despite my best efforts to measure up. - As an adult I came to learn that this internalized unconscious belief was still held deeply in my psyche, even although I was not fundamentally, it was still playing out in my life, subtly affecting my conduct and the way I related to others, and most of all myself. There was a deep habit of self-criticism there. - The effects of this became most apparent to me when I analysed one of my romantic relationships in hindsight, to realise that I would constantly accept criticism from my partner and attempt to change and optimize myself in line with her requests, but whenever I would bring up something that she had done that I did not like she would immediately shut down the conversation and say that I was making her feel bad and undermining her self-esteem, so I was never allowed to speak about what hurt me in the relationship. I accepted this because it mirrored much of my own self-talk, constantly finding fault with myself. This is one way childhood patterns play out in our lives – we accept poor treatment because we are used to it. Naturally, though, I was not a perfect partner either – usually when my girlfriend expressed her own emotions, rather than listen and try to understand what she was experiencing I would question why she felt the way she felt and try to get her to look at the situation differently in order to change what she was feeling. This lack of acceptance, I later learned, reflected the disregard I would have for my own unpleasant emotions, rather than listen to myself and create a space for openness and honesty in my being so I could work through emotional phenomena, I would constantly tell myself I shouldn't feel how I felt for whatever reason. This is the second way childhood patterns play out in our lives – we act them out on other people because this is how we have learned to behave.

That sounds like a horribly stressful situation to behold I really don't know what advice I can offer you Since you are not directly involved in the situation it seems very hard to do much other than be a solid friend and a good ear/emapthizer. Best of luck to your friend and her boyfriend.

thanks, I found that positive feedback was very relieving as I was feeling a bit anxious about the above exchange.

As it so happens I'm a relationship coach (www.enrichyourlife.co) that's my job but you are welcome to Stefan's council if you fire him an email [email protected]

I have enjoyed this video as well as the other you made! well done keep them coming!

I hardly watch movies at all for several years the only time I see them is at friends houses now I moved in with my Gf I'm looking forwards to spending some evenings watching good movies since I feel spending all my time learning is sort of missing out on the point of learning which is to live a better life

Problem is, an African child could say exactly the same thing about you. Have you given all your wealth away to childrne in the poorest areas of the world?

I like the idea

I think it is congruent with Maslow's hierarchy of needs people need to feel their basic needs are met before seeking out self-actualization such as an interest in philosophy

"Not to disrespect you opinion, but I don't respect your opinion." Why don't you email him instead? there's no reason why you can't approach every girl, so long as sex isn't the only thing in your mind. It's good to circulate and get to know as many people as possible and find out who is interesting to talk to before you try coming onto someone.

I wrote my university dissertation on this topic and I'm still not sure! lol

www.coursera.org lots of philosophy and philosophy-related courses on there, why not take some of them for a start and connect with other students and see how much you enjoy it?

Intellectuals are so stupid because they developed their intellect partly as a defence mechanism and the more complex the intellect the greater its capacity to justify its irrational beliefs by running rings around itself and redefining things How about sending your professor a friendly email saying that you disagree with what he said in the lecture because...pointing out the flaws in his arguments... and say because he is speaking to a diverse class who don't all share the same political views and so perhaps it is not appropriate to use it as a platform for advancing his own.

www.coursera.org

Nice Collage! Surprised no Stefan quote