Yeravos
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Everything posted by Yeravos
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I think this is almost 100% spot on, except for one thing. I don't think I am afraid of trying out new things, but for being attacked if I fail. I could be wrong about that of course, maybe it is more correct to say I am frightened by trying out new things. It makes me happy to hear that my post could offer you some help with your own self-knowledge
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This makes a lot of sense. I'll try it out and see where it leads me. Thanks for the insight! I didn't notice this until you mentioned it. That's interesting. Yes, I have thought about that as well. To get a job to keep me afloat, and just live my life and see if I find something I'd love doing for a living. But, like I said, I have extreme anxieties with the thought of applying for a job. That I won't do well, that I'll ''exaggerate'' my qualities (feels like lying to me), that I'll be a disappointment. Actually, last night, I experienced a real emotional low, and I think I know something now that I didn't know before: I am really frightened to try new things, because I don't want others to be disappointed in me. I hadn't thought of this before. Could be something to it for sure. I felt really rushed when I wrote it, and when I journaled before I wrote it. And it felt/feels like my life is over, like there is no time left. And I don't know why. I don't know if someone has given me that idea, can't think of anyone recently. And no, no friends that are achieving career goals at the moment. Thanks for your replies guys, I am grateful!
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That's a really good question. Well, going to the gym is to stay in shape, sure it can be fun sometimes, but to me, it's like brushing my teeth: it's good for you. Listening to pod-casts from FDR is a combination of improving my mental health and because I enjoy listening to them. Working as a chef's apprentice...Hm this one is a bit more foggy. But I like to cook, so I enjoy being there and doing just that. Working during night-clubs... Well, that's enjoyable to, but not to the same degree as working in the kitchen. However, working during night-clubs gives me an opportunity to work with my social anxiety a bit. Working with the fraternity. Well. Hm. This one is tricky. This one might be more related to ''status'' so to speak within the union to be completely honest. Because there are quite a few people in my fraternity that I don't get along with. Although, one of the reasons I had when I wanted to join the fraternity was that I wanted to improve it (that is something I try to work with within my union: I want to help preserve the community by arranging activities for the union members, through my fraternity). Going to parties with friends. Yes, sometimes that's enjoyable, I love going to the dance floor, just let my spirit free for a while (aka spasming ), singing songs when we have dinner-parties and stuff like that. But part of it is also about status I think. That I am one of those people that other people know. Hanging out in the dorm with my two closest friends. That's enjoyable. Well, not as enjoyable as it used to be. The thing is, when we are one-on-one with each other, we most of the time have no problem delving into deep, honest, curious conversations (that's what I really enjoy with those friends). But, when the 3 of us are together, it's another atmosphere. It's more shallow. And lately, I think it has gotten worse. Thanks for your time ebrink06!
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Hello. I wanted to share this with the board, in the hopes of someone might have advice they could share with me. Be warned though, this could very likely be a very messy post, because my thoughts are all over the place. My situation today: I am in collage, studying at the moment two REALLY easy courses, which gives me in a sense, all the free-time in the world. This has been the case for a month now. My weeks have looked like this basically: Go to the gym 3-4 times a week, listen to pod-casts on FDR, work as a volunteer at my union's union-house as a chef's apprentice and as personal when there are night-clubs, go to parties with my friends, work within my fraternity, hang with my two closest friends in my dorm. However, the last week or so, I have noticed something that consumes enormous amounts of my time: Sitting in front of the computer, doing practically nothing. Basically pressing F5 while on facebook. And for the last few days, my mood has deteriorated. I have felt apathetic, powerless. Imprisoned within my own room, and I am my own guard. Or, my anxieties are my guards. Well, that's a hypothesis I have at least. Could be wrong of course. What I mean by that is, that I am running short on money. I am, for the first time in my life, approaching a situation where I MUST find myself a job to pay the rent and put food on my table. Problem is, I have extreme anxiety around the prospect of applying for a job. Essentially paralyzing me when I for example, try to write a resume. Today, just 20 minutes ago, I took out my camera, and recorded myself for 30 minutes straight (I used to do my journaling text, but now I am trying out video-journaling and I find it easier actually), just blurting out stuff. Stuff like ''Alright, I am really frustrated because I want something to do! But not just something to pass the time, but something I have a passion for! Something that I can devote almost all my time to, make a living out of, have as my life-goal! I want a purpose! I want meaning!'' My mind was racing at this point, I wasn't sitting down recording, but pacing about, starting to breathe like I had been running for 30 minutes as a not-so-fit-person (basically, I hadn't done anything physically that would make me breathe like that). I would stop talking during that time and start to sing instead, that I didn't know what to do with my life. I also noticed a few thoughts pop up in my mind, which did not make sense to me. Thoughts like ''Your life is over, it's to late to achieve anything, you had your chance but you passed it up!''. Even though, intellectually, I know that I still have time. I am only 21 years old, and I have passion! I have good health! But I don't know where to put all my potential! I don't know what to do with my life. Sigh. I am sorry if it is all over the place.
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Stef has actually interviewed Elliot once, haven't watched it myself though
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Issues with Social Anxiety (The World Is Built on Crushed Souls)
Yeravos replied to masonman's topic in Self Knowledge
That's quite a post. I have some thoughts I think maybe could help you out a bit. If what I put forward seems totally off-rails, I am completely open to criticism and the possibility of being totally wrong I get a sense that you are burdening yourself with burdens that are not yours. What I mean with that is that I think you are self-attacking. A lot. And I think it is very detrimental to you. Here is, what I think, a relevant pod-cast that could potentially help you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8VTnunaD1E I second this. Getting out of the house will help you immensely I believe, I know it has improved my life greatly (I think we have many similarities you and I, I can identify myself in your entire post, though you seem to be in a tougher situation than I was), getting away from my folks. Those are my thoughts. I am really sorry that you are in this horrible situation. But hang in there! There is light at the end of the tunnel, I am sure of it! -
A reminder of my past (Perhaps I should explore it...)
Yeravos replied to Yeravos's topic in Self Knowledge
I appreciate that, really. What you are saying makes sense. But thinking about delving into this produces a clear ''Don't'' in my head. It feels emotionally distant now that I think about it. This is new. Interesting. This is the first time (for now at least), that I have come to a subject that I experience this much resistance from myself to explore. Hm. It is interesting to me that both of you mention this. When you mention it, it is something one would explore. But alas, I haven't seen it that way before, until you guys mentioned it. This is something I should explore. Thanks, really When I first read this part of your reply, ''I hope that present day, you have a better understanding that there ARE alternatives'' I felt angry for a moment. And sad also I think. ''Why are you implying that I don't know that?'' is a thought that I had at that moment. And then I thought ''Perhaps there is something to it. Perhaps I have murder in me'', is what followed. Writing that just now made my chest ache a bit. I hope you do not take this as an attack on you, I am just sharing with you what I felt and what I thought, and I am grateful for you sharing your perspective with me. To answer your question. Yes, I know that there are alternatives. I have blocked them on facebook, and have left my hometown and do not intend on going back there. But when I think about it, there is a part of me that would take delight in killing my bullies, if I could get away with it. To be absolutely sure that they would never harm me again. Writing that made me think ''Am I insane?''. -
I think I just had a revelation just now, one dealing with knowing myself. I live in a dorm, and it seems this evening one of the other people in my dorm had brought some people over. And I could hear two of them talk. And when one in particular talked, something happened. I was filled with dread. Like, extreme fear filled my soul. God, it was so horrible. I was really terrified. And then it hit me. I recognize this. I have felt this before. It was a long time ago, but I have had this happen before on several occasions. This dread, this hellish fear that filled me, used to erupt when I saw people that bullied me when I was in elementary school. What is interesting, is that while I had this fear (have still), everything. EVERYTHING in my life, just feel so much harder. So frightening. When I know, on an intellectual level, that their not. Almost like the fear kind of spread to other parts of my psyche? I got so frightened. After a few minutes, something else came up: Anger. Intense hate. I just wanted him, and all others like him, dead. Just all dead. I didn't care how, just as long they were killed. After that anger and rage, I realized that I was familiar with that intense fear. And actually, now that I am writing this, I remember something else: That rage I felt. That intense hate. I felt that too, those years when I was bullied. It's really dark, that hate. It's very violent (mentally), very detailed. And honestly, they feel really good. Sadistically good. Anyways, the revelation: I have a hypothesis. All my years of being bullied (all of elementary, 9 years), I have sort of developed a hyper-sensitive ''radar'' for detecting people with bullying tendencies. Something else I realized, with the help of chatting with a friend just now: I have made some efforts to not think, and remember about my bullies. About how badly they treated me, how the humiliated me and threatened me. And now, when I am starting to do some true-self excavating, I think it could serve me to dredge up those memories, and study them. Because, maybe by turning away from that completely, I am missing vital information that could help me in my healing process. This was perhaps 30 minutes ago, and I can still feel the shock-waves inside me. God. it was so terrible. But I am really excited about this revelation, and my hypothesis, if it is correct. And, if it is not, what can be learned from this? Exciting. Excitement in the aftershock of intense fear. Its interesting I think. I can't express how good it felt to get this out of my system. I just thought and felt something. I love this forum. I love this community. I love the kind, honest, gentle, sympathetic in this part of the Internet. Just started chatting on the chat a few days ago, and I love the open, thought-provoking conversations there. Yes. You guys are great.
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Show Format Idea: Historically Accurate Epic Rap Battles
Yeravos replied to JamesP's topic in General Feedback
Thumbs up for that! -
This rings truth to me. I have had (up until recently) I have been extremely depressed that I have never had a girlfriend. My relationship with my mother is painful. I have practically De-foo'd her, but she doesn't know about it really yet. (16/12 2013, I blocked my mother on all social medias I could think off. Before I did, I wrote to her on skype that I didn't want to see or speak to her ever again, that I was getting nothing positive out of our relationship. However, I realized a few days ago that she didn't get the message, since I blocked her before she got the message. So now, I have a ''new chance'' so to speak, and now I am beginning to doubt my decision) Thanks for the reply LanceD! It really helped!
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You have my sympathy, I experience this myself from time to time (though from your post, you seem to have it a lot worse than me on this front), and it's stressful, to put it mildly. I have had the same thought a few times actually. I am curious, these doubts, after they recede, do they come back? Or are those doubts ''spent'' so to speak?
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Thanks for the response cynicist! Well about one year ago, I had been living on my own for 2-3 months (studying at college). Before I went to college, I was an extremely isolated individual socially. I practically had one friend that I would see perhaps once every other week. But when I went to college, I actually found people I could hang out with when I didn't have lessons or were studying (not a lot of studying to be honest, felt that I could put that aside and instead focus on spending time with people when I had the chance) Now, I have lost one friend (wrong word, someone I used to hang out with) in a confrontation (wrote about it in another thread I started). I have passively stopped hanging out with another friend, and I think that I will break with another friend soon. On the 26/12 of December last year (2013), I went out with someone I would consider living up to the word friend fully, to shop for clothes. I felt that I needed to buy some clothes ''on my own'' so to speak, without my mother (she had basically bought my clothes for me my entire life, with a few exceptions). However, this was a very stressful situation for me. When I stood there, in the shop, with all the people, I could pick anything. I couldn't focus on any clothing. All my focus was on my surroundings, all the people to be exact. I was paralyzed by fear mentally, basically. I told my friend this, so we went to a more quiet place and sat there for perhaps 30 minutes or so, so I could calm down a bit. Now, a few hours after the shopping, when we got back home, the fantasies from the past were knocking on my door basically. My reaction was basically ''Wait! I know this! I have had these thoughts occur in my head before!'' And that's about it.
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This has got to be one of the most incredible reads I have ever had. What a horrible story of a child being broken down by his own parents, and what an incredibly story of that same child breaking out of his prison and smashing his chains to bits. Congratulations on breaking the chains Jeremie! You are an inspiration, to say the least!
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I do not think this is the case. In the fantasies, the people around me arn't suffering. Save for the fact that they later regret not trusting me. Hm. That's interesting, I have never seen it in that particular way before. But now that you mention it, yes, that's exactly what it's made out to be. Children are selfish, lazy, hyperactive and violent, and as such need to be ''cured'' of their evil. To become valuable contributers to society! It's really sickening when one thinks about it. Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to try this out!
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Thanks for the input Pepin, appreciate it! Indeed, I did go through the whole public school-process. Though as far as I know, I have never been medicated for any disorder, except for my bleeding disorder. Yes, this makes sense to me, the philosophy and therapy metaphor! Feels spot on really! Thank you for the observation Pepin! That's correct, had no girlfriend at that time. It makes sense, but at the moment it doesn't ''resonate'' within me so to speak? It's logical, what you wrote, but it doesn't sound right to my situation. But I don't know why.
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Hello people! I had a personal revelation a few days ago that I wanted to share with the board. Approximately 1 year ago I experienced quite a depression. My weeks would be characterized by extremes. One day I'd be really happy, and the next I'd be in extremely depressed with myself. I could actually predict when I'd get my downs, most of the time down to the day, with a few days head start. Anyway, at this time of my life, I would be drawn to certain fantasies. These would show up in my head during my depressed days. And I remember that they were really alluring, but I tried not to let myself lose myself in them, because they felt scary and uncomfortable. But, at the same time, they'd feel very good, in a bittersweet kind of way I guess (hence why I had to struggle to not go along with them)? Now, I haven't felt the urge to seek out these fantasies for a very long time. But, for whatever reason, a few days ago, I felt one of these fantasies knocking on my door. That's when I realized that I had had these kind of fantasies before (I had forgotten about them), and that perhaps they had some insight that I could benefit from. Alas, I have only (I think at least) managed to figure out the common theme in these fantasies, but not much else. But still, I feel that this is an important discovery for me. I thought I'd share the fantasies I had. So, the two most recurring types (and most detailed) of scenarios that I would indulge in where: 1: For some reason, people around me think I am mentally ill. I am dragged away to a mental hospital. I know that I am not ill, and fight all the way there. But, when I get there, the staff there injects me with different kinds of drugs to keep me in an almost coma-like state. I am physically imprisoned in the hospital, and mentally through the drugs the give me, for a long time, perhaps a few years. However, for some reason (inaccurate diagnosis or something), the staff realize they have made a mistake and I am released. But it's to late, all the drugs I were given have made me unstable, angry and emotionally distant. The rest of the fantasy, the shortest part of it, is about how I am nurtured back to mental health with great patience and empathy, often by a girl(friend?). 2: I have a girlfriend. In some way or another, someone vicious from my teenage years (a nasty verbal bully), manages to convince my girlfriend that I have cheated on her. This fantasy is a bit harder for me to remember completely, but it ends up with me being beaten down by some people that are friends with my girlfriend. Later on, she realizes that I hadn't cheated on her, and she tries to come into contact with me again. But I refuse to see her, because I am think I could be beaten down again. Now, I think I understand the theme of these fantasies. And that is that I am right, but doubted by others. This results in me getting hurt, leaving scars on me forever. Has anybody else experienced something similar to this? If so, were you able to learn something from it?
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I let it slide. It was at the end of the conversation, just before we agreed that we shouldn't hang out anymore. I got the feeling that she said that to hurt me.
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This is how it played out. It ended with us concluding that we would get nowhere in that discussion, and her saying that she felt that I am fucking stupid and socially incompetent. First, she said that she was upset because I had made statements about her mental health. Then, she contradicted this later, by saying that she was upset because her hearing about me saying this had brought up painful memories of her past. She did ask me why I had said those things about her, but since I couldn't remember so much about what I said about her, I couldn't explain, I could only explain how I could rationalize it in the present. Also, I had a very strong feeling all the time that she was just asking that question to bash on me, and my answer, whatever it would have been. Just a minor correction, I am male.
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I told her that I was sorry that she was upset, and told her that I would do my best, not to make the same mistake in the future. Though now in the aftermath, I realize that I have not wronged her in my opinion. I was not lying when I said that I would do my best not to discuss her mental health in the future, but I did not (and still don't) agree with it being wrong.
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Well. I felt extremely uncomfortable and intimidated by her, so I just mostly let her say what she had to say. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't interrupt her. I told her that I was upset that I had upset-ed her. I corrected her on that as far as I could recall, what I had said about her wasn't me bashing her, but just stating that that was what I thought about her situation.
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Hm. They are certainly not qualities you look for in a person you'd want to hang around, for sure. I believe it was because they were partying, and that it slipped out of him when he was drunk. I do not know this for certain thought, have not asked him about it.
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This is an interesting point, thanks for bringing it up! Well, when I have spoken with her, I have liked it, She has (like me I'd say) a lot of energy, is not afraid to act goofy (like me). Also, she is kind to me. I have thought about this before in particular: I have a tendency to fall quickly in love with girls that are just being kind with me. And this can happen just after a few minutes of talking with the girl in question. A theory I have about this is that in my past, most girls have been mean to me, and now that I am meeting girls that at least are kind to me in a social-first-meeting kind of way, I just fall in love with them. Ahh, that thought feels incomplete, but I don't know atm what to add to it. The one issue I have with her is that I am fairly certain that politically, she is a socialist. That's the only thing I can think of atm.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts cynicist! There has been a misunderstanding here, to many persons to keep track of here. But I'll try to explain it better now. There are two girls I am writing about here. The first one is the one that approached me yesterday and now doesn't want to see me 1on1 anymore. This first girl reminds me of my mother, in that when you are not in agreement with her, she'll usually become frustrated, contradict herself and lash out in anger. As mother, I'd say she never really wants to admit mistakes or errors, usually when one confronts her on mistakes/errors she have made, she'll first laugh about it and still claim that she is right, and if one is to press on that she might be wrong, she'll get angry. Yes, in group situations, she usually don't want to break it up with talking about something that could be negative. But, if something is really bothering her, she'll bring it up with the person in question (like she did yesterday). The second girl is the girl that described herself as showing of different personae to different people.
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Thank you for your response Jiminy. I agree with the second part of your post, but not the first part. As I said, I have trouble remembering saying these things about my former friend, but I am pretty certain that I didn't criticize her. I think that I just stated that I thought she'd have trouble with getting into a romantic relationship.
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Actually, I agree with you on this. She and I have had argued about this in the past, and she is of the opinion that if you have a problem with someone, you don't talk with others about it (when I think about this however, I realize she doesn't adhere to this principle always, because she has had problems with me, and done the same thing I have done, discussed it with other people). I, however, am of the opinion that human beings talk about other people with each other. And as long as it is honest, why would it matter if you share your worries/problems about a person with someone else? Now that I think about it, the principle ''Speak only to the person/s involved'' could possibly serve to isolate a person, and make it more unlikely for the person to actually bring up something the one that claims to hold to that principle doesn't like? When I think about it yes, if I had brought it up to her only, in person, I think she would have acted in a similar manner. It was a very uncomfortable conversation. I think the number of persons involved might have caused a misunderstanding. It was the second girl (the one that told the first girl), that I had brought up my concern about her wellbeing in respect with how I perceived her in her relationship with me and others. Thank you for your response!