Yeravos

Thank you for your wise words Kevin. I am feeling a lot better after having a good nights sleep. A very interesting TED talk... I'll see to it that I'll revisit it. That's something I get from time to time, emontional amnesia as you called it (clever term btw!). When I forget about the really goods days I have had, just a few days ago. I think that is what I have to to some more work on: Having ways of appreciating what I already have, when I am feeling down. Seeing what I have accomplished, and understanding that this is merely the beginning of my new life. I have come so far that I cannot be defeated now. I am the master of my own destiny, and I can see to it that I become a vibrant, joyous, courageous, kind human being, and help others do the same. Thank you for your honesty, all of you who responded. It's a privilege to live in a time with such wise and kind souls I can reach out to Again, thank you.

That's very nicely put... Very beautiful. But, I don't feel a connection to it. Like, I can't even see the groundwork I know I have built. It's like, I have been constructing it, but now... it's gone, vanished from sight. Like it was never was there to begin with. And writing this, I realize that I get these feelings. Feelings of none-accomplishment, where there is accomplishment. Like nothing I do really matters. It's just vaporized. What you are saying is making sense. But, emotionally, I am not connecting to it. I think this is where my question is. Having an anxiety, and then either feeling from the environment that is causing that anxiety to rise, or changing yourself. That's what I am asking. Is that possible? Can you change yourself, so that your anxiety isn't so bad anymore? I think I know the answer myself. I think, maybe I just need to hear it from someone else, to have it verified. To be given some hope. I am sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety, and I can relate a great deal with it. Would you mind sharing on what your childhood was like? I have had experience with this myself. Keep up the fight for yourself, and hang in there!

Hello everyone! I had some thoughts that I wanted to share. Since I started pursuing self-knowledge last year, I have had the thought in the back of my mind, that if I just get enough self-knowledge, if I just get over x obstacles in my mind, if I just put the right amount of blame on this parent, it will all work out on it's own. That I won't really have to do anything, that all my anxieties, all my pain will go away. That I'll emerge a superhero from the smoking rubble of my childhood. That's the thought I have had in my mind since day 1 of self-knowledge. I am asking myself, and you incredibly kind and intelligent people, is this fantasy? Is there, in fact, no point in self-knowledge, where you can feel free from your anxieties? Free from your pain? That no matter how much you grieve, how much you cry out in anger, you will never really be free from your anxieties. That instead, self-knowledge and grieving makes you understand, that you are not a defenseless child at the mercy of cruel parents anymore. And that you simply need to grit your teeth through your everyday anxieties. Because living like you hadn't been abused, is the only thing you can do. That turned out way more depressing than I intended. What I mean to say is, is perhaps one of the biggest parts of self-knowledge, to trust yourself to know, that your anxieties where useful in the past, but just something you have to challenge to get through your life, in the present? To take a strong stand for yourself in the face of your past traumas. Or am I wrong? Is there a real light at the end of the tunnel? Or is that something one has to imagine there being, to push on through life? I feel like I am calling people liars when I am writing this... I am sorry if that is indeed the case, I don't think people would lie about something like that... Maybe it's because I am feeling down at the moment. I didn't even realise that until now. If what I am saying is correct, that you just have to march on despite feeling anxious about things, maybe that personal responsability is just really hitting me now. Maybe that's why I feel down. I don't mean any harm with what I just wrote. But, if there is harm in it, please let me know! Any comment would be highly appriciated, as always.

Welcome to the boards fellow swede!

Aw yeah!

I just sent what was left on my paypal acount, I have already sent more cash to it.

Wow. That's just makes me boil me inside. To fall to such a low, disgusting level of communication when you have expressed a desire to keep some distance. I think you made a good decision on not RTR with your mom, I'd say, from knowing practically nothing about her, just going on her texts, RTRing wouldn't have been productive with her. It would have ''only'' shown that you made a correct decision to get away from her.

I am very sorry for what happened you. That's god awful, what you had to go through. Such dark evil that has been committed against you. Listening to you talk with Stefan invokes sadness in me as well, to hear you tell the horrible tale of your past. Have you considered getting in touch with a therapist? I think that a therapist could help you from feeling overwhelmed from your memories of childhood abuse, listen to your sadness with empathy, and give you practical ways to help you heal your mind. So you could gain some structure in your mind, so that you won't be hit by an emotional tsunami without someone that knows how to face it by your side. Also, I would suggest that you remind yourself of some of the things in your struggle that can be of value to you, as tools really to help you process your past. Like for example, that you are here, wanting to heal, sharing your strong emotions, fighting to as you wrote, grow as a person. That you have a supportive partner by your side to lean on when it get's really bad. You can do this! It is a difficult road to take, the road of self-knowledge. It can get really hard, and painful. But it gets better. It really does. Just hang in there, and keep fighting!

I am sorry for what was done to you as a child, to have put that awfully sounding shame on you. And to lose your friends and family, to see your world fall apart... I sympathize deeply with your situation. I have myself been in that mental process, and still find myself in it from time to time. I am just speaking from my own perspective here, so please, if you see something wrong with my statement, please feel free to correct me I don't think you'll be able to find a women that will be good for you while in this process. Because that yearning for love you are describing? I think it is a yearning for parent-child love, not romantic love. You could be confusing the two, when you are in this process of watching your former world come crashing down. Lastly, I think, from what you are writing here, you would benefit greatly from a good therapist. To help guide you through your pain. It's worth it, several times over.

God, that's so horrible. I am terribly sorry for you and your brothers. I can't imagine what that must have been like... Are you looking to find a therapist to help you process and heal your childhood traumas? I have just started out myself in therapy, and it's worth it so much, to have someone in person to listen, and validate the horrible things you've gone through. To give that much needed empathy, so you can recover from that meteor-impact of childhood trauma. On a more positive note, congratulations. You survived that horrible ordeal you went through. And to have the courage to be open and vulnerable, to seek to understand, and transcend the horrors of your past... That's commendable. I tip my hat of for you. To answer your question, I don't know. I didn't myself grow up with that kind of abuse, so it feels very alien and horrifying to me.

Birthright, by Celldweller To me, it's an incredibly powerful song, that speaks to a part of inside me that has been imprisoned for my whole life, so that it wouldn't be killed by the abuse I suffered. And now, this part inside me, feels that now is the time to come out. It's enraged at the chains attached to it, sick of the crap that the expectations of the world is. It's time to walk away with no apologies. My favorite lyrics: The voices in my head have all begun to sing (The voices in your head have all begun to sing) And they sure as hell hope I am listening (I sure as hell hope you are listening) It's time to take ahold of what belongs to me It's time to walk away with no apologies These voices in the mirror start quietly And now they're screaming back at me (Don't back down) Holding on until my hands and mind are bleeding (Don't back down) This is my birthright (Don't back down) I'm so sick of feeling like I'm helpless (Don't back down) This is over tonight Over tonight, this is over tonight Tonight

Thank you for your sympathy. Well, I was bullied in school from first grade to 9 grade, I had basically only 1 friend, nasty parents, easy access to computer games... That's a recipe for an unhealthy weightgain. Unfortunely, I have real difficulties ''feeling'' what I felt back then. I think it is because it was an extremely stressful, soulcrushing time of my life, so it's been hidden away inside my mind, both subconsciously and consciously. This is something I have just recently started to dig out of my mind, to bring out in the daylight. I am so sorry to hear that. I know what it's like, being in that same transition myself at the moment.

No moral obligation.

It's terrible what you have been through. I am so sorry that you had to endure all that, I can't imagine what that must have been like. But still, in spite of that nightmare of a childhood, you are here, reaching out for help. I think you should be proud of that, that you have managed to survive that horrible, horrible mental and physical torture. I can sympathize with having a mom ''helping one'' to lose weight, while at the same time buying candy and sodas and giving them to me. It's crazy. But, you are here now, trying to save yourself, and that's a huge step forward. know that you CAN get out of this! Just don't give up. I am no expert on anything, but my advice to you would be to get away from your mother, and all the people that hurt you, to get them physically out of your day-to-day life for a little while at least. So that you can have a second to catch your breath, and rest. I also believe that your healing process would benefit greatly from a therapist, to help you sort out your horrible childhood, and to put blame where blame is to supposed to go. Stef has some material on how to find a good therapist, you don't want to get a bad one, like the counsler you mentioned. And I am sure people on the board could give tips on that aswell. It's sickening, the things people get away with. But know that the world isn't completely dark. There is hope.

I thought I'd share some thoughts I have had these last days. Perhaps there are others out there that feel, may feel, or have felt the way I am feeling now. Just want to let you know, if that person is you: There is hope. And I think you know it, deep down. Last thursday, I went out to jog in the spring sun for a while. After about 15 minutes into my run, I sort of had a series of revelations hitting me. I realized that most of the things I am doing in my life at the moment, are not things I want to be doing. Instead of doing things I want to do, or not do anything at all. I felt like I wanted a total do-over with my life (the parts I had power over, not my childhood). Like, fake my death, have a fresh start. Not know the people in my life, so I could get away from all the responsabilities I have, without having angry glances shot at me, without people talking behind my back as the guy who dropped it all and made it uncomfortable for others. Now that I just wrote that, I got this thought that maybe I am mistaking my now adult relationships with my childhood ones. That perhaps, I won't be attacked for quitting the things I don't want to do. Even if I get attacked, so what?, is another thought. Most of the people I know that theoretically would attack me are not people I like that much anyway. I find our interactions dull, lifeless, shallow. What I have gotten from the relationships I have today at college is 98% of what I thought I wanted when I was a child, when I was a prisoner in school: Recognition for ability, respect because of my position, social status. Things that I now think I realize aren't virtous, aren't important. That what I am doing is what most other people do around me: Hide from the past, or adhere to it, revere it. I only got one shot. One life. One pinball. And I have to make what's best of it, not wasting time with dead people, doing things I don't want to do. Yesterday, I felt really terrible during the evening. I thought ''What is a life without conflicts? What does that feel like? I don't think I can imagine what that is like. I feel scared. I don't know what to do with my life. The world is a dark place. Everything feels empty, like a black void. Is there a meaning to anything?'' And then I thought: Maybe this is my soul, tugging at it's chains. Struggling to break free, fighting tooth and nail against the mindlessness, the black hole the people around me worship? Maybe I am seeing more clearly now, that I am again, seeing the world for the dark place it can be. Or perhaps it's me self-attacking in some way, because I am going to give up the things I don't like doing, and that my inner-critic sees this as laziness? I am not sure. Maybe that's what I have been doing, mimicing my father by taking on several projects at once, saying that we love being busy, while I know that both him and I are trembling beneath the stress, hating it because the people around us do so little in comparison, which I have seen make my father turn bitter. And lately, I have felt bitterness for that same reason too. And all of this gets us what? Recieve the shallow gratitude of others, for being ''the guy that works really hard!'' or ''that man that get's things done!''. ''You work so hard! That's really impressive of you!'' And if that's the case, is my father also trying to hide from attacks from his inner-critic, for not doing things? For the fear of being called lazy? I still feel this emptiness inside. That all the things that I used to enjoy, or thought I enjoyed, were nothing but escapes from my past pain. That the only thing they did was to please my inner-critic, to do what I was supposed to do: Become my father. Be that hardworking, no resting kind of guy! Take on the burdens of others, because dammit, someone has got to sacrifice themselves on that altar, and that someone must be me! It is my purpose! It's what I deserve! I may not rest! And really savor the bitterness that follows, because other people arn't up to pair, and life isn't supposed to be fun! It's about sacrifice. At least, that's my hypothesis, as to why I feel the way I feel. But, underneath this emptiness, I can feel a sliver of hope. That lantern of self-knowledge I lit more than a year ago isn't dead. I take all these feelings and thoughts as evidence that I am on the path to something big regarding myself. That my feelings are trying to tell me something, that they are trying to steer me somewhere. So, all I can do now, is really try and listen to myself, and dig even deeper than before. To strike that vein of self-knowledge gold.To break out of the patterns of childhood. I can actually see bars infront of my inner eye of sorts. It's hard to explain. But, I am standing behind bars, finally, really, with my whole being, realizing that I am behind bars. Rays of sunlight find their way through the gaps in my prison cell, dazzling me. And I know I want out. I just don't know how. At least I know I am in a prison now.

Yes, makes sense. Thank you.

Welcome to the forums fellow swede! I am really sorry that you had to grow up with dysfunctional people. I want you to know (I think you already now this, but I know has helped me to hear it from others, might help you too ) that the people here on FDR are very nice, empathic people, and will give you empathy. Empathy that I am guessing you weren't given when you were a helpless child. But this place is different. Here, you can feel safe.

I am sorry that it didn't work out for you that instance. But I am glad to hear that you have taken that uncomfortable and extremely scary conversation with your friend. That's something to be very proud of, I'd say. Good on you! We havn't had time to talk about this since then. And I think he is feeling a bit down at the moment. I'll have to ask him how he is feeling when I get a chance too.

Thank you! I believe that when I instead of trying to argue for a stateless society, which we got into again and again and again, I persisted near the end with the question ''Would you have someone put a gun to my head for disagreeing with you?'', not letting him off the hook. That was the most uncomfortable part of the conversation, and I think the hardest conversation I have ever had. And I could feel that it was very hard for him as well. I am afraid not, it was an incredibly vulnerable thing for him to share (I don't think he has shared this with anyone but me), so that will stay between him and me, until the day he feels secure enough to share it with others. I am very happy to have motivated you, best of luck to you!

I shed a few tears. He said that he also had almost shed a few tears, but hadn't because he said basically that he is really good at holding back emotion. I said that I was very happy to hear him say that, and that the conversation had been really difficult for me. He said that he had gotten agitated at some point in the conversation (I didn't ask him when in the conversation, which now in hindsight could have been interesting to hear). During the conversation, he said that he had felt as if I had tried to corner him, that I was attempting to force my world view on him. But later in the call realized that I wasn't trying to do that, that rather I was asking him if he would theoretically sacrifice me for his view on the state. After he had said that he did not want me to be hurt because I was of an other opinion than he, and that people that would make my life difficult because I would not submit to their role should go to hell,he shared a few very personal things about himself to me and brought up something I had said a few weeks back that had made him upset. I apologized (because I had said something that was mean to him, which I at the time had meant as a joke, but I see now that it was a very cruel one), I shared some personal things about me, we talked a bit about other stuff for maybe an hour, and then ended the conversation (we had talked for 5 hours and it was 06.30 AM)

I did it. I had the conversation for the first time in my life. ''Do you support the use of violence against me if I decide to disagree?'' After 3 hours, with a lot of distracting topics (who'd build the roads and such), to finally have him say ''Yes, I value your friendship more then my ideas of state''. Words cannot describe how uncomfortable that conversation was. A few times, I thought that this was it. This is where I will end this relationship. Damn. But it seems to have ended on a pillar of security. It was really uncomfortable and scary. But so worth it.

Welcome to the boards MeAt!

Welcome to the boards ZetaMan!

Thank you dsayers. Hm. Interesting approach. It makes sense. When I imagine doing this myself though, I get the thought that it would be really awkward. Thinking about that makes me anxious. It's very scary. And what I think I find the worst, is that I think a lot of that scariness is something I have aided in creating. I have made it harder for myself, by getting myself involved with other people. By getting myself entangled in activities because they were fun, ignoring that I was engaging with people who I know I can't speak truthfully around without getting attacked. I have willingly gotten myself trapped in a spider web because hey, having fun and feeling important socially was more important than being virtuous. And now, because of that, it makes it all harder to break free from that. Darn it again. But yes, I found your input helpful, thank you Llamabean . Best of luck to you in exploring honest communication!

So, sitting on my bed in my room writing this, since I can't fall asleep, coughing out my lungs. No, no that bad, just a virus or something messing with me Anyway, there is a topic that I have thought of (and still am thinking about), that bugs me. A lot. It's the ''Against me'' argument (is it correct to call it an argument?) that Stef presents. In case you aren't familiar to this argument, heres a video with Stef laying it out: Anyways, what is bugging me is that I understand what Stef is saying. I agree with what he is saying. And there is a part of me, that would like to live that argument. I think. But, there is also (I think) a part of me that wants to keep the social life I have. That doesn't want to ask this simple question. Having the social circles I have today, engaging in social communities, just keep rolling along. Then again, I am a fairly certain, that a BIG, part of me, wants to find people with virtue to hang out with. I think those are rare. And, having people in my life that are lacking virtue, will most certainly keep me from meeting people with virtue. Let alone finding myself a virtuous woman to spend my life with. THEN AGAIN... It's scary to make the decision. To get people that endorse violence against you, out of your life. Darn it. I guess I don't have much of a question to ask. It's just a choice I have to make. Have any of you chosen the philosophical path, i.e. ''I minimize the amount of people in my life that are against me''? If yes, what's it like? If not, why not? Is there a third alternative?