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I'm sorry to hear this, it reminded me of being reprimanded in elementary school when my teachers thought I did something wrong. I can empathize with the way you are feeling. It's as if you believe you are doing a good job, then you are blind-sided with your managers' feedback that they think you can do better. It also stings that your direct manager went up a level rather than speaking to you about it... You'd think managers who want to be respected by their reports would use this as a last resort. Why do you personally believe you haven't been producing as quickly as you had liked? It sounds to me like you are justifying your team lead's concerns. Otherwise, the response might have been "My capacity is at max with this long term project. I cannot take on more until it's complete." Also, did your manager give you specific details about these performance concerns? If not, it might serve you well to ask lots of questions like... "can you give me a specific example of how my work is not meeting your expectations?", "When did you notice my performance slowing down?", etc. Otherwise, if you and him cannot exactly define the problem, it will be difficult to deliver on your promise of addressing your performance more directly. Maybe that long conversation in HR did get into detail, but if it was fluffy and non-specific that will most certainly set you up for failure. Again, I'm sorry for the situation and anxiety you are feeling over it. You have to be able to determine objectively if it is you or them. Are they just bad managers? Or are you going through something else in your life at this point that is impacting your work (think hard on this one, maybe it is that the newer guy took the lead position over you, or maybe it's friends, your family, even distant problems that on the surface wouldn't seem to effect you... like an alcoholic uncle, etc)? Then consider if you want to work for a company that micromanages you and gives you to-do lists rather than allowing you to have creative liberty and somewhat manage yourself, because that sounds like the current state of things. Finally, I'd like to offer a short term fix for your broken stomach. Exercise helps relieve my anxiety symptoms immensely (like headaches, stomach aches, feelings of panic, etc). Even just a 30-minute walk on a fairly regular basis could do the trick. And of course therapy is a good option. Good luck and keep us updated!

I know, how could you hit a kid in general, let alone one that wears big ol' glasses!? If only your mom and my dad would have been more curious and cared to know what we were thinking. Why wouldn't my dad just ask me why I was so afraid to go to the portapotty alone, or why I wasn't comfortable telling him I had to go? Shoot, I'd be a totally different person today if he had. I think it's important to replay these memories and consider how parents should have reacted, because it breaks the photo copy machine and allows for progress. I'm so sorry to hear about how your mom treated you... it's not right. To value a lie over something real (the love of your son). It's nice to know that you can make progress with parents who have wronged you in the past. I don't know if this means anything, but did you notice how you wrote "I work towards repairing my relationship with my mom"? Rather than "we are working on our relationship." It might just be how you decided to write the sentence, but I couldn't help but wonder if you are carrying the load or if your mom's also working as hard as you are. Thanks for sharing your story too, Rainbow Jamz, I've gleaned a lot of good insight and I'm sure other readers will.

Hi everyone. It took me a long time to realize that I was wronged as a child. PROPAGANDA: I used to think my dad was virtuous, considerate, and had my best interests at heart... he was always right. I thought my mom was sweet and shy. TRUTH: I grew up with an emotionally abusive/manipulative, dictatorial father and a passive, guilt-ridden mother. It took me a long time to realize the truth. Forever, I thought "my childhood wasn't that bad, and when it was it was my own fault." I would reject myself and side with my parents. What really helped me break this POV was empathizing and sympathizing with myself. So, I thought it would be helpful to share tips for starting to empathize with ourselves when we are carrying around toxic shame from our childhoods and are prone to self-attack and self-rejection. If you have a tip, feel free to share it! Since I couldn't just say "wow, I had it rough and it wasn't my fault," I began to think of my child self as a seperate person. First I paint the picture--I was a skinny little girl with coke-bottle glasses which I had since the age of 2. I was very timid and incredibly anxious. I was afraid of adults and would avoid speaking to them. Ok, once I get an accurate image of my child self, I kind of seperate this little girl from myself. Then I replay a memory with her in place of me. Here's one: I imagine my dad after a fishing trip grabbing this little girl by the arm to hold her in place while he spanks her for wetting her pants at the age of 4 (because she was too shy to go to the portapotty alone, too scared to tell her dad she had to go, and her sister wouldn't go with her). My dad made this girl geniunely believe that she ruined his fishing trip. Then I reconnect and realize it was me who went through this and I was wronged. What about you all, how do you enable yourself to feel empathy for yourself and fight through the propaganda of having a "decent" childhood with "good" parents?

It might have something to do with the people you have relationships with now, but think about the first relationships you ever formed-- the ones with your parents. This is what shapes our future relationships, so I would look into your childhood to find the source of the issue. Here are a few questions that might help begin this process: What was your relationship with your parents like when you were a child growing up? When and how did they punish you? Were your parents supportive of you or were they judgmental? Did they expect you to live/think/feel certain ways... meaning did they pressure you to conform to their preferences, or did they encourage you to express your own emotions and thoughts? When you are thinking through these questions on your own, it's best to try to remember specific examples from your past, rather than answering with things like, "our relationship was ok." That way you can keep digging.

Soylent is to real food what formula is to breastmilk. I have a really bad gut reaction to this stuff (pun intended). In engineering this 'food' product, these guys didn't seem to consider that there is an entire ecosystem of living bacteria, fungi and other beneficial organisms in the gut that are required to synthesize vitamins etc. and convert them into a usable form. It's called gut flora. The gut system is referred to by experts as the second brain because its proper functioning is so essential to human health. It's also the first line of defense for the immune system. It requires real food (including solids) to function properly. In fact, whole foods are so essential for the flora to do their job that because of their hyper-processed, toxin-laiden diets, the vitamin C supplement these guys were taking was probably a waste of money and didn't actually get used by their bodies. Same thing happens with Vitamin A and Vitamin D, they go unused and are excreted unless you have the proper gut flora transform it into something the body can utilize. Secondly, diet has a significant impact on jaw and teeth formation. Raw foods that we chew, like crunchy carrots, contribute to healthy, straight teeth (this is not a consideration of vanity, dental problems including misalignment of the teeth can lead to serious health risks... and signal problems going on in other areas of the body). I am no expert, but I've done extensive research starting about 1 year ago when I contracted a deadly intestinal infection. Here's a true expert speaking about gut health; I've included a vid at the end of the post. It is long but well worth your time. Please don't be put off by the first couple of minutes about Planet Earth's health, I don't know why she stepped out of her area of expertise like that (maybe trying to make a transition from the presentation before hers). Another source if you are interested in how diet can lead to degeneration of the teeth and skeletal structure, I strongly recommend "Nutrition and Physical Degeneration" by Weston A. Price. Great thing about being a libertarian, though, is to each his own So long as no one forces me to eat this stuff (or forces me to pay for the repercussions of other people eating this stuff), it's all good!

Still catching up on this thread, but had a quick question about this short video. I understand Kohn's general ideas around 'rewards' (not thoroughly yet though, my knowledge is pretty limited, but so far I agree). What I'm wondering, though, is what's so great about "generosity" and "sharing"? Was he simply using these two acts as an example to show that if parents try to encourage X by rewarding a child when they do X, the child will act in exact opposite of X when the parents are not around? But why use generosity and sharing as an example? If anyone can help clarify that would be appreciated, because I don't think sharing and being generous are necessarily virtuous in and of themselves. Yet we often teach children that is what they are to do if they want to be nice little boys and girls (whether or not rewards are used in teaching them this).

I hear ya. I realized I might have had a moment of emotional amnesia, like Kevin Beal was describing earlier... only positive emotions erased my past experiences of negative emotions. I'm sorry for just vomitting positivity on you, it seems like a lack of empathy for you and now I'm realizing also a lack of empathy for myself in those times when I've felt depressed/anxious/manic and I thought everything around me was going to crumble and there'd be nothing left. So I am very sorry you are going through this, I still think it will pay off Very impactful insight you've shared, Kevin Beal. I find it very helpful the way you've differentiated negative emotions from self attack. Emotions, even negative ones, play an important role in our lives and are necessary. Protecting us from abusers and dangerous situations, signaling that there's something from our past that we need to work out, etc. I've found a lot of value in learning how to recognize what emotion I'm feeling, how to have empathy for myself in feeling that emotion, and how to decode what it means-- (for functional individuals, I suppose they'd call this following your gut instinct. For those of us who have the-world's-largest-onion worth of layers of false self, it's a very intentional and meticulous process getting in touch with the gut, and peeling away those layers.) Anyways, for me, it is self attack that is toxic and ends up unjustly perpetuating negative emotions. And I think you're right, It is self attack that can be lessened with self knowledge. Thanks for also providing this list of podcasts!

I assumed that what the OP meant by romantic is a relationship which includes sexual acts. I didn't mean to be presumptuous. Did you mean to brush over my question. It's not a big deal, but why would you respond to my entire post but ignore the actual question? I don't know if I've made a 'philosophical argument' (however you are defining it) but I have relied on reality and evidence to build my own case... rather than posing a series of hypothetical what-ifs or imaginary scenarios. I am open to you presenting a real case where you or someone you know has been able to maintain romantic, meaningful relationships with more than one SO at a time. I've offered a real-life example of how it wouldn't work, now feel free to share a real-life example of how it would work. Until then, you'll just keep falling into a bottomless thought experiment.

Time was only one of my main points (I also addressed sexual risks, and hypothesized some scenarios where it might work out). But if you want to focus on the time factor I brought up, we can do that. For me, there's no way I'd be able to share my time... and I actually am 'unemployed.' But I really wouldn't want to share my time anyways (sorry, I still need to develop an argument for what is currently stated as just a preference). My time goes towards my relationship with my boyfriend, building a sustainable home for us (which includes gardening and animal husbandry, among other things), eventually building our business, building self-knowledge, and eventually raising a family. These are my hobbies, which happen to be a lifestyle, which also happen to contribute to the long term health and happiness of our relationship. And I do have close friends, although few. They happen to have similar interests, so being able to share time together is quite a privelage, if you know what I'm saying! My boyfriend has time-consuming and extensive hobbies of his own. He focuses more on the energy/water supply/etc. side of our sustainability effort. In addition, he has a gift and a passion (that's putting it lightly) for engines, mechanics, and in general creating and modifying things using his hands. His hobbies take up a lot of his time as well. He also has a few close friends who he spends time with occasionally. This should give you more insight into my perspective. For our lifestyle, never. For our personality types, never. Because of the type of love we have for each other, never. Do you live a lifestyle that supports non-monogomous relationships? If so, cool, I'd be interested to hear about it.

Good stuff! Not to mention, persons under the age of 18 cannot be legally bound to a contract. So a "social contract" that you entered into upon birth through the act of being born is illegal (or unenforceable, not sure which is the right word). (Although, this 18+ contract law is created and enforced by the state, so I don't know if my argument is solid enough. Am I making any sense? I like your points though, Magnus.)

I really like your take on this, LovePrevails. I've never tried online dating, but your comment about it being a sellers' market got me thinking. It's like shopping for a bottle of wine (which is a totally oversaturated market... I don't know how anyone makes money selling wine, but I guess it's possible!). Anyway, there are so many bottles of wine in the liquor store (men in online dating), and without being able to taste them (meet each guy) there's got to be something that catches the eye and says "Hey, I'm different, give me a try!" Rather than just telling her what interests you, show her by making a witty comment (or another play that suits your personaility better) that she can relate to, like LovePrevails suggested. Otherwise, you risk seeming generic. I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing, Ivan! Good luck!

Hi Casey, glad you shared your perspective! I'm wondering though, what are your intentions in being active on this forum (which is heavily dominated by males)? I am not looking to pass any judgment and am genuinely curious to hear your thoughts. I only wonder because a lot of great conversation takes place here, and sometimes I think that is what friendship is... sharing your thoughts and ideas with someone and being open to hearing their thoughts as well... helping others build self knowledge and allowing them to help you... devoting time to this process... and enjoying it. I guess my question is, can you have deep conversations with people in absense of a friendship (even on an internet forum)? I really don't know the answer which is why I'm posing this question. Thanks in advance! Maybe the question, then, to everyone on this thread, is how do you define friendship?

Oh is that what it means? I'm still curious why this post annoys me so much. Maybe it's the contradiction of his words and his avatar for me-- he is asking that we place trust in him to help us solve our problems, yet he looks very untrustworthy. Maybe that's coming from the symbolism of the sunglasses (something to hide) or that he is very concerned with his appearance... which signals to me that he is actually shallow. Does anyone have any ideas to help me figure this out? I also consider the approach he took to be arrogant. It's like "I have so many great skills, that I shall bless you with my knowledge, and I am so generous that I will not ask for anything in return except that you also be generous by donating to a greater purpose." It's also possible that I just am repulsed that this guy thinks he knows more than me. Help please?

Really interesting thoughts Yeravos and Tyler Durden. I agree that it pays off... actually the payoff is unlimited. And to play on the skyscraper analogy, it's going to take a lot of time to build it... and even when you think it's built, there's a whole lot of maintenance you have to do so the skyscraper doesn't crumble to the ground. I guess what I'm saying is it's a lifelong activity. It will certainly pay off more than it causes discomfort-- self knowledge is what you need: - to keep toxic people out of your life (who would bring you sadness and distress) - to bring good people into your life (who will bring you joy and happiness) - to have functional and rewarding relationships with these people - to understand what you really hate in life (to avoid these things, or manage these things when you have no choice) - to understand what you really love in life (to bring more of this into your life) - to know what you feel and why you feel it (to reduce confusion (and anxiety eventually)) - to respect other peoples' emotions (because you can empathize) - to help your offspring know who they are and what they want in life so they can go after it from the beginning to the end - to help your offspring minimize unhappiness and anxiety in their own lives and be happy

In all honesty, I'm a little put off by this post. I'm not exactly sure why, a gap in my self knowledge I suppose. Thank you for describing your automotive credentials/experience, but what about your garden and farming experience? I'm looking forward to your response to cab21's open-ended question, as well.

Indeed! I'll have to learn more about UPB.

I'm having a little trouble following what you are saying, dsayers, but I think I can get it. Are you saying that if everyone involved had a proper amount of self knowledge, they could pull it off so long as the relationships were voluntary? But you start out explaining that the long term goal of a relationship is successfully and healthily raising a child together... then you say if the child has multiple moms, it could actually benefit them (could you explain this more? I think I see what you are saying, but to me an aunt or dear friend would suffice). This argument seems a little flawed to me, in that you are saying: - The long term and ultimate objective of a relationship is becoming a steady unit to successfully raise a child together - The polygamy matrix can only exist and be healthy if the relationships are completely voluntary - The problem is that you say children would eventually become a part of the matrix and did not consider that the child is not there by choice and cannot leave as the adults are able to And oh my gosh, I just thought of this. You have a 50% chance of being left by your significant other in a monogamous relationship (we can all agree that this is horrible for the child)... now imagine how the probability of being left when you have multiple significant others increases! You're just introducing your child to greater risk of being part of a broken home. But I guess you've done a good job hedging!

I do see why not: Quality time spent together is necessary to have a functional and RT relationship with someone you would like to spend your life with. If you were in such a relationship that you've described here ("open"), how would you divide your time and still achieve that "quality" that's so necessary to keep a relationship healthy and real? If you and your main squeeze are working 40-to-60-hour work weeks, then you're already struggling to get that quality time together. Now add one or two more squeezes with whom you must share your time. Plus, if you spend time with some of your buddies on the weekends that also cuts into your schedule. Also, can you imagine planning dinners... who will you eat dinners with? For my partner and I, I always have dinner planned and cookin'. Dinner is an awesome chance to spend quality time together, recap the day, talk about your thoughts and feelings and ideas that occured during the day, work out any relationship problems, etc. I would be so upset if my love called during the day and said "I'm having dinner with Squeeze #2 tonight." I guess you could make a schedule in advance, but then it reminds me of growing up with divorced parents whom you had to share your time between. And there's little room for spontaneity. There are a few scenarios I see this working for: 1. You're not really looking for a life partner(s)... You want to have fun (aka sex) with multiple people and they want to as well 2. You don't want children (if you are already spreading yourself thin, imagine having kids... how are you going to devote your time to them if you have to share it with 2, 3, 4 other women (plus, you will naturally have a harder time showing them what a functional relationship looks like because your relationships will be so complex that you'd have to be a master mind to translate this into child speak) 3. You and your squeezes all live in the same house together (we all know roommates suck) 4. Or, you're just the type that can pull it all off (can't imagine what type of person this would be... feel free to enlighten me) Another thought, can you apply UPB to this scenario? I don't fully understand UPB myself, I'm still learning. On another note (maybe related you UPB)... say you have 3 partners, then you must be ok with them each having 3 partners of their own. If you are sexually intimate with your 3 partners, and they are intimate with each of their 3 partners, there's a lot of risk involved. If each has 2 partners (excluding you here), there's 6 people outside of your relationships who could give your girls an STD or get your girls pregnant.

Haha! Maybe use an emoticon or whatever they're called next time!

From only reading this, it sounds you don't have anything good to say about females. Like you don't find them to be very virtuous... yet you are a lesbian. I don't understand.

I am so sorry to hear all of this, and I have absolutely no solution or advice to offer Do you have an update? I see it has been a few months since posting. Wishing you all the best!

I just came across this thread/article and am intrigued. My lofty response: I understand that children are naturally persistent, but I don't think this is a good approach. It's basically suggesting that you break their spirit. To take this approach with your child will teach him to give up too easily. In the real world (and especially in the business world) "no" doesn't necessarily mean "no." For example, you're negotiating a contract with a potential client, and they say they can't sign the contract because the price is too high-- "no, we can't sign that." In most scenarios like this, you'd be a 'bad' business owner to just give up, but that's all this little boy will know how to do because his mom overpowered him time and time again. (In fact, he'd never get to this point because becoming a business owner takes persistance, even when people tell you "no." He will have been defeated long before he even got close to owning his own business.) A good business owner would come back at the client and say "well I know you were unhappy about this particular clause, so how about we adjust it like so... now how do you feel about the dollar amount?" My concrete response: Now I think I can address the parenting approach in current time, rather than forecasting how it will effect the child in the long haul. -First, how big of a hole will a 7 year old child be able to dig? The article says "giant," pfff. If the boy is able to dig a giant hole and has the attention span, focus, determination and strength to spend a few days on it, good on him! Maybe after that he can help his parents build a pond! -Second, if the boy has nothing to do but dig holes in the yard, his parents are failing him. Help him find another fun way to spend his time!

Ok, I did a little research. Whole Foods had a tax rate of 37% in 2011 (40.5% in 2010). (https://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/sites/default/files/media/Global/Company%20Info/PDFs/Q211financial.pdf) Now I couldn't find their exact loss to inventory shrinkage in those years, but I did find a study by the University of Florida that reports "annual percentages of retail shrinkage have fluctuated from a high of 1.51 percent in 2009 to a low of 1.41 percent in 2011." (http://yourbusiness.azcentral.com/typical-annual-inventory-shrinkage-8878.html) So, theft would have to increase by more than 25 times in a free society to put Whole Foods in a worse position than they are today. Not going to happen. Unless a quarter of the people who shop at Whole Foods are just like you @Jagsfan82, and are only holding back from stealing because of the government's "laws."

I don't want to rain on the parade... and who am I to say what is possible. It sounds awesome, but I don't think it would fly. People try anarchism on a small scale and seem to always get screwed. Just look at the Bundy guy, not complying and being full on attacked by the military police or SWAT or whatever organization came after him fully armed. Sure they backed off, but Bundy's family was tormented and harrassed and still has to look behind their backs constantly. Or consider the event in Waco, TX. A nonviolent religious group trying to live by their own rules, only to be massacred by the police. And how about Ruby Ridge, an even smaller group of people (just a small family) trying to live life by their own rules. Their CHILDREN were murdered by the state. Think of it personally, on a smaller scale... you build a shed in your backyard without getting the permits or not placing it far enough away from your fence to meet code. It's found out and you get fined a few hundred or more. If a whole community of people are ducking out of the system, those running the system will get angry and try to make an example out of that community. I speak as though I know for sure this is what would happen, but I really don't. Those are just the first things that came to mind. There have been some successful 'anarchist' societies but they have to relocate outside of the U.S. (I'm assuming you are in the U.S. because of your avatar.. hope I'm not being naive). Now, someone enlighten me with a more optimistic answer to this question!!!

This is really sad. I hate it when I hear people talking about how hilarious these videos are. It reminds me of a guy and his kid I observed in the Walmart parking lot. They were unloading their groceries while the kid sat in the cart. When they were done, the mom got into the car and the dad pushed the cart into the corral while the kid was still in it. The dad said "Ok, I'll see you later" and began walking away from the kid who was still in the cart. The kid started crying instantly, and the dad turned around and began to laugh at the kid, then lifted the kid out of the cart without any kind of apology. I see and hear of parents threatening to leave their children like this all the time, whether it's some kind of cruel 'joke' or it's done if the kid is not complying with the desires of the parent. To those people I say WOW, you tricked a 3-year old kid whose life depends on you caring for them and has no choice but to trust you... congratulations, you're the smartest, wittiest person in the world (well, maybe if everyone in the world had an IQ of 60!!!).