J. D. Stembal

I am avoiding the rage because I am afraid that it will consume me, and kill me. Every time I cry, or feel a wave of anger, my neofrontal cortex shuts down completely for several moments. The loss of control scares me. I know it is a perfectly natural adaptation to my upbringing, but that doesn't make me any less fearful. I want a different fate than my father, better choices, and children who will grow to love and respect me, not fear and loathe me.

Thank you, Lens. I was impressed with The Drama of the Gifted Child, so I will read another from Miller! I'm not here to type for attention. I understand that self-knowledge is extremely unpopular in the wider world. If I simply wanted attention, my writing would not come from the heart. Trolling is much more effective to illicit a response.

I am very carefully examining my motivations for pursuing weight lifting. It feels good but not in the buzzed manner chemical or sex neurochemical dependency does. In the past (teens and early twenties), I did just enough of it to appear physically attractive to women. My goal had nothing to do with longevity or health because I was mainly eating fast food and microwaveable prepared meals, smoking, drinking, and doing drug. Me and my penis wanted to make another penis without knowing why. I've turned my former goal of fitness 180 degrees and placed myself first, not women, or the expectations of others. My body has long suffered from an acute distress caused by neglect and abuse, and I am working to repair it from the ground up, much like the broken plate you mentioned. My back, for instance, is badly misaligned from years of slouching behind a computer desk, and I've had numerous back and neck problems over the years. I am going to schedule a session with a chiropractor for next week. I've done enough observation and reflection. Now is the time for more action, hence taking my fitness to the next level. I have had a trainer for the last week, but it is a group session and not a one-on-one appointment. This is the man I mentioned earlier in the thread. He is knowledgeable about the movements of weight lifting, but I suspect he lacks self-knowledge judging by how he reacted non-verbally to me saying that I had a drinking problem. It was a momentary flinch of the eyes, but I saw it. I've spoken with two or three other trainers at the same gym so far, but none of them seem to get it yet. I'm sure there are a lot of people who come in with some sort of non-confrontational motivation all the time and do it for a couple months and then quit. (For example, my classmate in the acclimation class is a mother of two who is motivated to lose weight for her husband. I think that it's a poor choice as far as motivations are concerned but who is anyone to tell her otherwise?) I walked in two Mondays ago and said that I want to train to compete. I know there is someone around that knows how to train competitors. Natalie Newhart hangs around here for a reason. She is the up and coming women's crossfit contender, however, she got injured last year. She looks fantastic now, physically. I intend on picking her brain at the soonest possible opportunity. I don't like the answer she gives in the last paragraph of this article, however. http://boxlifemagazine.com/athlete-profiles/natalie-mclain-a-crossfitter-like-no-other

Yes, yes, not all games are like that. It would be great to have more games that stress negotiation and cooperation which tend to stifle violence, but the popular ones tend to not teach the philosophy of non-violence, but rather, support and reinforce violence. Stefan, flak cannon alternate and bio-rifle all the way on that map.

I didn't answer the third question, except with a question.

Are you asking me to identify the source of my rage? I know the source of my rage, but I'm still looking at strategies for addressing it. Giving up meaningless sex, drugs, video games and alcohol is just the start of a new beginning. My rage comes from my former inability to stand up to my family, and speak my mind. When I finally did stand up and tell them who I was, which happened just before I stopped drinking, it was like they didn't recognize me. I was openly mocked by my father, and my mother started to act extremely nervous around me. She nearly ran away from me when I asked her about the time my father bloodied her nose while I was listening to them argue from the next room. She refuses to acknowledge that it happened, but I know it did, even if I didn't see it with my own eyes. Of course, this reaction is understandable, but every interaction I've had with them since then has been extremely manipulative, of which this thread is the prime example. They know how to say the words, "I'm sorry," but they have no idea how to own the consequences of that admission. If my parents recognized their past wrong-doings and thought about the consequences, my father would not be forwarding me my sister's letters. It's a ploy, so that he can see me again and he is using his children in order to tempt me into responding. Since I have empathy, and I also grew up desperately trying to love my father, I would feel intense aggravation, anger or rage at being used in this way by someone who has complete authority over me. This is why I refuse to parley with him no matter how much my siblings miss me. When they are adults, they can come and find me if the so choose. Nathan, you didn't answer any of my questions from reply #20.

I'm always right, and you're always wrong. Where have we all heard this brand of relativism before? I'm always right, and you're always wrong. Where have we all heard this brand of relativism before?

I see fitness and wellness as two sides of the same coin of overall health. Exercise is a vital component to my therapy, as much as removing toxic people from my life was. Thank you for the words of support! (I need to hear more of them from the family in my head.) Without you and Nathan, many of my threads would be me typing to myself. The crowd on Twitter, Facebook and Google provided me with polarized responses on my genital integrity message. On here, nothing.

It makes women uncomfortable when you speak your mind. I learned that lesson last year. Women want men to constantly self-censor. That's how we are controlled.

Even if you live with a woman, it's not always easy to tell when she is ovulating. There are hormonal queues you can pick up on. If you want to get scientific about it, you have to physically examine her uterine secretions. This explains why most polyamorous communities and clubs are matriarchal (and feminist) in nature. The men who don't play along don't get to participate. Men can have a mistress on the side and keep it a secret. My brother, who is now ten, comes from just such a union. He was 18 months old when I first learned of his existence, and three when I first met him.

Video games are anti-philosophy, as a general rule, so it would be an interesting juxtaposition at the very least. I can imagine a gamer discussing the non-aggression principle and the violence inherent in the state while playing Counter-Strike, which is the perfect personification of modern war.

There's a vendor that sells custom knit hammocks in my town. I'm considering getting one to hang up on my deck so I can sleep outside at night. Beds are terrible, in general. I'd much rather sleep on the floor. The most comfortable bed I've ever owned is a futon. I'll let you know how I like the hammock!

I am spending a large part of my time exploring self-knowledge, reading, thinking and writing. That's where I get the insights for my videos. It dwarfs the amount of time I spend on exercise, if that is a concern. More than a year ago, I would not have been able to be honest with myself that I was surrounded by toxic people, my girlfriend included, and that my parents were the most toxic. I was only just beginning to suspect it (and despairing from the reality of it) because I had pushed away the bottle. I was thinking clearly and for myself for the first time since I was a teenager. The first two times I visited my Denver friends from the mountains after giving up alcohol, I was invited to a bar for a college football game, and a friend's house for a professional football game, where people were drunk - so drunk I could smell the stink of it on them. I remember being very uncomfortable and I didn't say much. I was offered a beer, but I refused. I spoke with one of my friends after the game was over, because I had a lot of things that I wanted to tell him about my family. It was a BLARP on my part. The guy had a deer in headlights look on his face (he was probably six beers into it) and I realized that everything I was saying was not registering, and I was most likely torturing him so I stopped and left. This is the last conversation of any substance that I've had, or attempted, with most friends from my alcoholic past. Since then, I've been telling people that I'm an alcoholic, trying to look for friends that appreciate sobriety, or have also had a difficult past with substance abuse. I'm planning to start a non-religious addiction outreach group in my county, and I've inquired with S.O.S. There are several programs already, but they all take place at Christian churches. There are a few zealous bible-thumpers up here in the mountains, and I wish to avoid them for obvious reasons.

I do not recall anything more about the dream other than "out drinking with old drinking partners". I thought it was significant enough to point out that my subconscious was examining alcohol again. Perhaps it thinks that I can start using again without it being a problem, but the very desire behind that urge is a problem. (Fitting in with the muggles around me.)

That's a valid concern, Patrick. Polyamorous families often share a household together, or so I am led to believe from reading The Ethical Slut, but in practice, there is a bit of churn as junior family members arrive, stay a while, and then leave. Yes, people also advocate raising children in this often less-than-stable environment. My ex-girlfriend had a fantasy where she ran a hippy commune in the mountains. This desire was expressed before we ever spoke about polyamory, so I wonder if she had designs on setting up a free love community, and I was the first step in getting it all started. It was likely just a fantasy, but one that has profound implications about her feminine value system. She is the person who finally convinced me to go to Burning Man (many had tried before her) although she suggested that she may sleep around while there if I didn't escort her, which is emotionally manipulative, I realize. Plenty of polyamory and kink camps exist for a week in the Nevada desert. It's like watching Rome burn every year! The moral of the story is that if a woman is purposefully engaging your natural male sexual protectiveness (jealousy, for short) you can know with certainty that you are being shit tested, and you should call the bluff.

No, not since I quit drinking. I have been prone to infrequent, but violent verbal or physical outbursts. One almost landed me in jail years ago. The anger that I talk about in Addiction & Anger is not snarling rage, as may have been interpreted to be in my recent avatar picture, but immense dissatisfaction with my upbringing and the emotional crutches that I had been using for the past twenty years. Thank you for the consideration. It means a lot to me!

The only reason gays want the right to marry is because of our current socialized health care system, and the perks being marrying confers.

Amy Schumer is a revolting person, and I'm not certain what the point of this article is.

Find a naturopathic doctor in your area. Forget about insurance and pay cash. You can't be fooling around with symptoms like this. Did any of the doctors you saw ask you about your diet and lifestyle?

I would be very wary, Matt. Did she bring up "swinging" or did you? I read an entire book on the subject of living poly before I decided I could not stomach the man-hating feminist undertones of the poly community. In the poly party scene, it is often not allowed for men to show up unescorted by a woman or they are penalized for doing so. In one particular place in Denver, where orgy pool parties take place, if a man shows up stag, he must pay the price of a hotel room as a fee. The upshot of all this is if you are a single man, you basically aren't welcome to participate because you are probably a creeper. The very notion that a woman has to vouch for you in order for you to attend is a clear indication of the power of the matriarchy that has persisted since the dawn of our species.

I generally sleep very restfully. Sometimes, I wake up to take a leak in the middle of the night because you must hydrate extensively before bed in the high alpine environment. I have been noticing that the abnormal level of physical exertion required for crossfit class keeps me charged and awake far longer than I am used to. Normally, I lift between 8:00-10:00PM and lay down to bed just afterwards. Last night, I felt like I wanted to eat before bed, so I put down about 1000 kcal before trying to fall asleep, and my mind wouldn't shut off. I am very excited about joining the fitness community and learning more about how to improve my mind, body, and overall well-being. I imagine that this weekend, I will sleep like a stone every night. I still don not recall exactly which people were around me in the dream, but it is clear that I was drinking alcohol. I think it was either my old drinking buddies from Chicago or my former circle of friends in Denver who consider me to be now completely brainwashed as a full-fledged Stefbot. It may be worth pointing out that my trainer might be a fellow self-medicator. He was talking about how he got into crossfit and the story began with him and his friend watching the 2010 Crossfit Games in a sports bar. A quick examination of his body tells me that he may be drinking many of his calories in the form of beer. If he's been into crossfit for 5 years, there's something holding him back health-wise.

The point is that we need to be very careful about definitions, especially when you are using a word such as evolution in manner which is inconsistent with the most common scientific context. Everyone in this thread has projected their own meaning onto the word in response to objecting with some of the content in the OP, specifically the criticism of monogamy which is a reoccurring theme in the book. If you have read the book, you would see that there are also larger criticisms of statism and religion contained within the pages.

Please help me achieve my goal of ending circumcision in the next ten years by spreading the message. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_93ZJL-Q0TM&feature=youtu.be You have my unending gratitude and thanks!

It will be helpful to listen to the first call, Asshole Proximity Disorder, to better see my perspective, especially considering my history with extreme social anxiety and alcoholism. There is also a danger in mistaking the world for yourself.

I don't recall the context at the moment, but last night, I had a dream that I was drinking again. What could this mean? Considering that I've just met a lot of new people through the local crossfit gym, I have a suspicion that there are some who are threatened when I am being genuine and authentic, which is the inciting stimuli for the Asshole Proximity Disorder Stefan described last year, the show that convinced me to stop drinking. Keep in mind that I told two of the trainers, and the general manager that I wanted to train for an Olympic or powerlifting competition and win, preferably before age 41. I'm obviously in the zone where no one is taking me seriously quite yet, but I sense that some of the other members perceive my attitude to be intimidating or overeager. I have been showing up an hour early to stretch and watch the 6:30 class. I was asked by one of the trainers to do my stretching outside in the parking lot when another class is in session, which seemed like a weird request since there is plenty of room inside the building. At any rate, I complied with the trainer's request.