utopian

You might want to take a look at Borderline Personality Disorder. I recently became involved with someone with BPD, and did a lot of looking into it. There are several sources which show BPD is a common source of gender confusion, and the more you look into it, the mechanics of it become quite apparent.

Well, I first became curious about the subject when I started reading some things about sociopaths on here/listening to Stephan, and started looking into what a sociopath was. I looked at several sources, but one of them seemed to stand out to me; http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html And that was because of the 15 first traits I had at least 13, and of the second set I had all 10 traits. Actually narcissism seems to describe me fairly well as well. And I found it odd, that I found myself attracted to a Borderline. All of these are cluster B disorders; https://paularenee.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/awareness-of-cluster-b-disorders-and-sociopaths/ Now as far as I am concerned, I am typically interested in controlling people more than being with them. I have no real friends, just acquaintances. I am near 30, and though I sometimes find the quick and easy women, I have never had a real relationship. I have always known I tend to solo better than others can work together. This is corroborated in my research that says that sociopaths tend to be high functioning, and all of my IQ scores are at least 115, one near 130. I can often contemplate involved topics such as the mechanics of the Federal Reserve and it's enslavement of the world. Part of it is that I know I am devoid of emotion, and can operate much more efficiently because of it. But that is also where I began to wonder what might have been wrong with me. I could see others congregating, working together and making friends. Doing lots of other "normal" human stuff. I never seemed to be able to. I can operate much more efficiently and achieve heights that others cannot. But I can't be human. Most of my life that has not bothered me much, except now that the more I explore it, the more I want to know what I have been missing. It is also, perhaps, a sociopathic/narcissistic challenge to myself, to see if I can conquer myself. I am my own worst enemy. But also, it makes sense that I might have one of these disorders. I was severely abused as a young child. When I was a newborn baby, I was shaken by both my parents, an event that some sources say tends to kill 3 out of 4 children. I can remember being a child without words, perhaps 1 year old, and my father hitting me. To my mother, who also has Borderline (Freud much?) I was an object for her to express her feelings of love upon, whether they were healthy for me or not, but not actually a human baby. I can remember my father hitting me, but I can never remember my parents making eye contact with me, or anything else that a properly loved child should receive. My quest for self knowledge comes from a desire to know love, and fill the hole in my heart that has been there my whole life. I am not sure if it will ever happen. I found a sense of healing and fulfillment somewhat recently in a woman with Borderline (dat Freud) who seemed to love me like no other woman is capable of. It was not love though; borderlines are not actually capable of love. Though I felt like it was, upon further reading and testing, I realized it was not. Unfortunately, I am not sure if I will ever fully heal. A mentally healthy woman, according to some sources, will never be able to love me like a borderline will seem to, and that's the only thing that seems fulfilling to someone like me. That seems to be what had happened to me, although, having been a fairly devout study of philosophy here and other places, I was able to recognize this happening and act accordingly. In fact I think this might have been my sociopathy acting out, as not only was I usually able to push this woman's buttons for a desired effect, but I knew what would hurt her. I cut her off, knowing full well this would likely very much hurt her. Part of me was ecstatic to do it, having been hurt by her. Part of me was very sad, remembering what good times we had together, and knowing it would never be again. They were indeed some of the happier memories of my life. I might say that I am too far broken, but I am not even quite sure what fixed is. With years of therapy I might be better one day, but I think if I ever do reach that point, it will probably be at the age where I am not even wanted any more. I don't chase unicorns, and I don't appreciate ideal false hope. Sometimes I think about suicide. I am not even sad about it any more, just bored with life, tired of it all, and feeling ready for it to be over. There are, however, achievements in real life for me to as yet acquire. My narcissism, perhaps, prevents me from suicide, as the story of utopian must develop the character of the main story into the hero. It does please me to see people be better off from my endeavors. Perhaps that is just what Stephan calls "rational self interest".

Some interesting truth here. I was/am in a relationship with a BPD who exibited these traits. I never subscribed myself to her fully though, and it has brought about some interesting truths about myself. BPD and narcissism (and what I believe I have, sociopathy) all fall under an established category known as Cluster B Personality Disorders. My FWB told me herself thta she was diagnosed with BPD, and while she certainly is at fault for certain things, I see a lot of the same traits in myself. I think I can get better though. I am looking at and working on it.

Ya know as I watch the video, I can't help but think how different things would be if Levoy was a black man. I can't imagine white people grouping up and screaming to burn this bitch down over this. Someone should get in touch with #blacklivesmatter and show them the video. They should make it a point that its not just white cops that murder people, its cops period.

Hey man, you seem to be pretty down. I don't have too much time to spend on any one person. Cant save everyone from everything. I can't spend all the time to prove to you that I am anything more than some dude on the internet spouting nonsense, so I would advise you that, while I offer you my two cents in generosity, take it with a grain of salt and consider getting some professional help as well. That being said, Also, this is what I do. I have a list of things I want to do with my life. One of the things I sat down to write out one day, was all the places I wanted to travel. It was quite a lot of things, and it was most likely that I will never see all those places. So after I made the first list, I made a second list, one with a narrowed down version of the best places I wanted to see. I also did this for things I wanted to DO in life, jobs I wanted to work, experiences I wanted to have etc. There is too much I want to do. I have to narrow it down to the few things I want to do the most. One of the things I want to do is, after the economic collapse, I want to create a local economic/corporate infrastructure and help/lead people back into a better position. In pursuit of my goal, I do lots of research on the subject, and write things like what can be seen in my signature. But that is just one of many examples. The point being, is we all only get so much time in our lives, and we have to make each moment count. What do you want to do with your life? If you were dead, and you got to look back at the video of your life, what will you want to have seen? Would you have done it, or would you have just wished you had done it? There are things I still have yet to do, and I might not ever do them. I have other things I can do and do do. I can't tell you what you want or need to do with your life that will make you feel fulfilled. If you have a hole in your heart and abuse as a young child, that is certainly a sign of some kind of condition you may want to have reconciled. I have it too. I work on it. But the bottom line is, no one can make you drink the water, only help lead you to it. You gotta drink the water, dig yourself out of the hole, figure out what you want to do with yourself. And you should hurry. I am younger than you, and I myself feel time slipping away.

Just gonna leave this here. Don't really wanna get into this discussion right now, just some interesting food for thought. Also, And I can't find the link for this right now, but in the realm of science, quantum physics is currently stuck at the god particle. The Higgs-boson is the particle that gives matter mass, but science cannot yet explain how these massless particles exist in the first place. A prevailing theory, in conjunction with the theory of universal consciousness, is that the universe (and these massless particles) is actually made up of nothing more than mental thoughts. Everything is just the imagination of a giant universal brain.

I was going to post something very much like this post lol, I hope you don't feel like I am copying you, but the fact is you have hit a lot of points that are true. Good stuff. I have some sources I will have to share in my post.

Your post makes obvious that you are one of the prudes I was concerned about originally, too judgmental to consider and know your enemy. http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/17976-if-you-know-the-enemy-and-know-yourself-you-need Your enemy knows you, rosencrantz. That's why they have defeated you and everyone else running around with their fingers in their ears. You all don't even know you are defeated. That's why the state wins. Also, you seem to have glossed over the part where I said that was not the only philosophy I have considered. They say, generally, that such a relationship is doomed to failure. They also say BPDs can in fact get better. I estimate that perhaps there is about a 15% chance this will all pan out. But it brings me back to the prudery issue I addressed before, and was just faced with again. Sure, it behooves everyone to always wait for the philosophically perfect. That is a trap, because while ideal, nothing is ever perfect. Part of my frustration on this forum is seeing so many people here, sitting around, pandering to the local society, never daring to venture out, staying quietly and comfortably in their hobbit holes. Never challenging their comfort zones. Never subjecting themselves to real world issues, thinking they would know themselves enough if they were ever forced into situations. What would you recommend I do Chris? Would you expect me to sit comfortably in my hobbit hole? Would you expect me to go gently into that good night? Would suggest to me that it is better to never love at all, where I mightd have loved and lost? Hell, seems like I might as well just go ahead and stop living. I have tried and failed before. It did cost me. And yet, it always made me more satisfied to fail and know I at least tried, than it did for me to not try and regret it. Well, perspective is appreciated. I have stated here before, I seek it, as it helps me see myself. Aah... I think you are right, I did not understand. I did not in fact reason myself into my needs. I did not have a choice, these needs seem to come from my own child abuse. I mean, I think I am capable of reasoning myself out of situations, with support. Would you like to know a recent time I feel I have done so? Kevin msged me, telling me that I may have mistaken other people's philosophy on this forum, for Stef's philosophy/philosophy in general. He was right. Somewhere along the way I confused the prudery on this forum for philosophy in general, thinking that was what was making me unhappy, and what I wanted to leave. Philosophy does actually make me happy; just not everyones. That makes for an an awkward thread post. Well I thank you for your perspective. I disagree on some points, but I feel you tire of this discussion. I do think you are genuinely good hearted in your responses. And yet, such a large percentage of the population lives in illusion, and I end up doing what Stef calls dancing with ghosts. I argue here that I have found a compromise, which is to be an agent of change, as linked in one of Stef's videos. That I should dance with the ghosts while sneaking life into them.

Allow me a moment to keep from having an involuntary mental orgasm from your understanding Chris. You seem to have called certain things as they actually are without even having my explanation of everything. Refreshing, and quite a bit different from the lack of understanding I have yet so far mostly been assaulted with. And poetically handled, to boot. I think you will enjoy a further explanation. Yes, and I stand by my general claims. The biggest stimulation women generally offer me is limited to their physical features, which then only offers challenge as far as if I can get in their pants. And while I pay attention to things which are actually important, like oh I don't know, the US debt and its implications for global thermonuclear war after an economic catastrophe which will see all of us going hungry on the streets, not only do women rarely seem interested in such things, but indeed, when I engage in conversation with them, because they are too prude to initiate it themselves, they choose to bring up such topics as Kim Kardashians most recent drama, their broken nails, and pictures of cats on the internet. As if that were not bad enough, they prudely deny their desires for men, expecting them to take all the actions of substance while they spend my money and dangle their sexuality like a carrot on a string. As if, anywhere along the way, women were worth it. No, I have no empathy for such women. Yes, it did. While I did used to take advantage of women with daddy issues, it was not until this woman came along that I actually studied what was going on, and realized that was what I was doing all along. Now I see the dynamic which provides for the quickest sexual experiences available, and believe that perhaps all women whom might have sudden casual encounters must have some degree of dysfunction. No wonder there are so many women available these days for such encounters, and there is such a prevailing hookup culture; women who are generally more easily sexually active are all products of early child abuse. I was even going to make a post about borderline personality disorder and it's relation to corporate interests, because this is one of the things this girl has. I was going to refrain from mentioning it, but our discussion will make it obvious for all to see anyway. For you see, with this woman, comes an interesting and refreshing change from women in general. Where as most women, even so-called philosophical ones, deny their sexuality, this one gives it freely, and aggressively. Where most women prudely avoid initiating interactions with men, this one takes me by the hand and leads me to an adventure. Where most women deny their need for men, this one seeks me out, and displays her desire in every way. What else could a man want? Well, for one thing, actual love. Researching BPD, I read that women, who most commonly have BPD, are not actually capable of love. Their displays of affection are actually a survival mechanism, designed to prevent their subject from abandoning them. Once the BPD is sure they have you in their pocket, they lose all interest in you. It was confusing to me at first, wondering how the most intense love I have ever felt, was not actually love. After testing the parameters, however, I have indeed concluded that this girl is in fact not capable of love, despite her being everything a man could desire. The dynamics according to my sources were fairly well defined, and accurately predicted her behaviors according to mine. When I am hers, she is gone. When I am gone or leaving, she is mine. She never gives herself voluntarily, without my playing of the running game. These mechanics seem to work very well with other women. Child abuse for young girls must be very prevalent. There is also a common saying amongst my sources that says, no one loves you as much as a BPD. It's true. I am in shock and awe at how much this girl is willing to struggle in order to keep me in her life. I have never seen such dedication, such passion or interest, from a woman. I find myself genuinely admiring her. I know this is simply a mechanic of her BPD, and yet, it seems, all my life all I wanted was for someone to desire me this much. Tell me Chris, where else could a man possibly find such fulfillment? My sources indicate mentally healthy women will never be capable of desire this intense. This tells me what I have suspected all along, that women are in fact not capable of a love worth having. Mentally healthy women will only ever provide a casual nonchalant love that, while may in fact be real because it is within the boundaries of reality, will never be fulfilling to men. With this girl I am given the illusion of love beyond reason, and I find it to be quite healing. But that is not the only thing at play here. I know she does not actually love me, despite what I feel. I know the mechanics at work, and which button to press for which outcome. I know this is all me loving myself, except instead of masturbation, I am masturbating myself with a biological human robot. With this woman also comes a challenge I have never even considered before, and actually, it is a philosophical challenge. We are indeed two voids, colliding in an abyss. I have done much more work to free myself from it. Perhaps a part of me is still inside, but while I might not always be going down the right path, I am always seeking it. And you see, as far as this girl is concerned, I am given a new challenge, one that questions the integrity of my own mental health; can I pull her from the abyss? Can I shape and mold her into a human that can once again actually love? Can I be her answer? Can I make this into the epic love worth living for? No doubt am I a monster forged from fighting with monsters. I was born for the storm and the calm does not suit me. I was raised, although abusively, to seek and conquer challenges. And while mentally healthy women may be stimulating or interesting, they are so few and far between these days that it would be more sensible of me to go hunting unicorns. I would not want to anyway, I am sure. There would be no storm to conquer. I would lose interest. In fact, some of my studies into the imago theories of Freud suggest what I have confirmed throughout living my life, that I am not even attracted to mentally healthy women. My mother also had BPD. It's Freud all over again. What does it say about our modern society, that I find so many women attractive? Although I must say, this one takes the cake. And I do believe I can pull her from the abyss. Her father was actually gay, and no doubt had other issues, not that that is necessarily related to his sexual orientation. Still, he never gave his daughter the adoration and eye contact that a healthy daughter would have. I will never forget the first time I looked into her eyes and let all the love in my heart burst forth for her. She shuddered and became hysterical, begging me to stop, but I didnt. Not until she distracted me with her physical aggressions anyway. It was not long afterwards that she told me her councelor had asked her what she had been doing lately, because she seemed so much better. My love for her heals her, and she has begun to show signs of actual love, though rare. This seems to be healing for me as well. I would say I was hurting, going through life, never finding any woman who could appreciate all the love in my heart. To love her so much gives me a sense of healing. And I know it heals her as well. Whenever I can, I make her stop and just look at my eyes. Sometimes there is crying and shaking and nervous laughter. She tries to deflect the uncomfortable feelings with sexual advances, but I wont let her. Still, she can't handle it for too long, and I mercifully succumb to her advances. I have indeed flirted with other women. I notice, lately, women paying attention to me. They seem to know something is different. I push their buttons based on the dynamics I have learned with this girl and see them working, and then become uninterested. Indeed, I must still pay attention to reality. I have to work and sleep and eat. I am philosophically conscious of this girls inability to love, and choose to consciously forge her into someone that can. I am fairly certain of her change, although it is aggravatingly slow. It may be the case one day that she can go no further, and I will have to decide if I want to continue along this path. I might have to leave her, and I will certainly be very sad. I really did put my heart and soul into this girl. I feel like I am actually getting a return. And while the truth of the situation is painful, the lie is beautiful enough to dull all pains. One day, I hope it will cease to be a lie. I disagree. It has happened more than once now, in situations with people like, say, at work, that I an unempathetic outburst, thought about it while working, and later apologized. I remember thinking about what I had done, and thinking about how I would feel if it had happened to me. It did take me a long while and a lot of imagination. I think it is difficult, but not impossible. But you see, I argue that I am healing myself. I like being there for her, helping her, trying to pull her from the abyss. I like the challenge. I like giving her all my love. It makes me feel like a man. I do indeed feel like I am healing from it. Who is to say, that we are not each other's answer? The imago theories of Freud state that we are made for each other, and readings on imago therapy suggest that the best thing we can do is try and make this work, because if we did not, we would both go find another person who resembled the same imago. Do I seem to you like I am not going about this consciously? This is indeed a test of my philosophy, and I am playing between the dark and the light. I do feel blind. But, stumbling around in my blindness, I bump and touch and feel my way around, and learn. I have already learned about myself in this relationship; that I try too hard. If ever I did not succeed, it meant to me that I was not trying hard enough. I don't understand what it means not to try. That is what her counselor told her, is that I was putting too much pressure on this situation when it was bad, not so long ago. It means I need to try less; that instead of shoving philosophy down my lover's throat, I need to sneak philosophy into her, and wait for her to be ready to get better. It seems to be working, for both of us.

Friedrich Nietzsche, Bruce Lee... even Hitler had plenty of statist philosophy. Lots of different philosophers, but not everything they all had to say. I did come at philosophy from more of a statist mindset, and Hitler did actually make a lot of sense, from his perspective. When you are a constantly beaten 6 year old raised in an economic madhouse I think statism makes a lot of sense. Stef's anarchal peaceful philosophies are an interesting and refreshing opposite. I am still reconciling with it. I do feel some sort of resentment. I recognize that about myself, and put my feelings aside in pursuit of development. I always operate as if my feelings do not matter, and that is often the case anyway. But I think you are confusing a psychopath with a sociopath. From WebMD; http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/sociopath-psychopath-difference "A psychopath doesn’t have a conscience. If he lies to you so he can steal your money, he won’t feel any moral qualms, though he may pretend to. He may observe others and then act the way they do so he’s not “found out,” Tompkins says. A sociopath typically has a conscience, but it’s weak. He may know that taking your money is wrong, and he might feel some guilt or remorse, but that won’t stop his behavior." I do feel things. Certain things very weakly. Other things very strongly. I would like to be able to trust the medical community with a diagnosis for me but I am not the only one who knows why they cannot be trustworthy. From a corroboration of sources do I determine what is most likely for me. Kissing a leper hmm? Interesting analogy...I have not read everything in your post, just a quick look over. I will check it out more just in case it does have an answer for me. I have thought about the environment problem before. On the internet often hear women do not have the problems I seem to always run into, and then I go out into my city and keep running into them. It's been suggested I move to a different state to find better women. Interesting and plausible concept, but impractical. Still, will try to look for some different environments for other concepts.

Mmm... I have known I am a lonely person since the beginning of high school, about 16 years ago. But the point about narcissism is an interesting one. There is no one else in my life. Well, there was not, until my girlfriend came along. I mean, theres acquaintances and such, but no one IN my life, if that makes sense. I have my shortfalls. But the things I am proud of, I am very proud of. I do love things about myself. I am perturbed that others arent as proud of myself as I am. Perhaps I love myself too much. When someone else showed me love, I had someone else to focus it on, and they shuddered under it. But anyway, I think others should care because, if I have a valid reason for no longer pursuing certain philosophy, it may apply to others as well. In fact I think it does, to most people, which is a reason why philosophy is not so popular. ...your explanation of being a sociopath or not confuses me.

Well I am sorry you do not understand, but I don't think there is a simpler way for me to explain it. I believe the reason none of you can convince me, is because the position is correct and there is no rational way to argue against it. I believe there is more of an example of my answer to your question in my next response, and I have an interesting resource about this I intend to share in a moment. Well, in dsayer's case, he has proved to be a self righteous hypocritical prude before, right here on this forum which I could cite. That's mostly between me and him however. And I do believe you missed the part where STer provided me resources which I said I was happy to link for anyone that asked. It is a point, I think, that no one here has considered to ask about or look into it, that convinces me of the existing church of philosophical prudes I find on this forum, of which make me unhappy which I can no longer justify. I have sources which corroborate my position, and convince me further of it. No one has yet to get so far as to wonder what they are. I am at least happy to see some interesting thought experiment logic and offered resources. Is it perhaps because I should link some of these sources without waiting for people to wonder what they are? I feel like without anyone searching for them, no one is interested in what makes me sure of my statements, and is fairly closed off. But on the chance that it may make a difference, here you go guys; A video from Stephan himself, where in a situation that is imperfect and cannot be confronted directly, Stef advocates being an AGENT of change in your environment. It's right there at 1:46:25. The position Stef has concluded is the same position I have concluded, that the direct and sudden assault of philosophy upon people tears establishments apart dangerously and unnecessarily, and it is preferable, given the situation, to inject philosophy into a situation discreetly where applicable. He advocates pretending. He advocates a philosophy of indirect philosophy. That is what I am advocating. I have distanced myself from my family as they were and still are very heavy abusers and there was no value I could gain from them that was ever worth the cost to benefit ratio. At work, there are many who feel they can do better than me. Even my bosses, somewhat. I ignore them and go about doing things my way. They keep me hired and maximum hours because at the end of the day, they know I get the work done, and the difference is quite noticeable when I am not there. I don't really have much more of a circle outside of that, except my alternative energy meetup circle. I have credibility with them as far as many money matters. Empathy is indeed hard for me. It is not something I do naturally, which is why I posted, I believe I am a sociopath. It takes some applied logical thought for me to consider an empathetic approach. Lately, however, I have considered it more often, as I understand I myself am capable of tolerating some incredible pains, including hurtful truths. I go looking for the hurtful truth. Better to feel it now, I argue, than for someone to pull a rug of lies out from under me later. I forget, most people are not ready to leave the matrix. Most people need to immerse themselves in lies just to get through the day. That is why philosophy is not making me happy; it has revealed this to me. The more I delve into it, the more I purvey it, the more alone I am. I was already alone; then I became exponentially alone. I marched on into it, thinking it would get better. It's not. In fact the more I read your post the more I believe our conclusions may be aligned. Well that's very opinionated of you, but it convinces me of nothing. I have known plenty of not love. This is very much different. But then again, love is such an abstract word. Perhaps you yourself would not know it if you saw it. I am sure of what I see. Studying PHILOSOPHY... well let me think. The word even has a couple definitions, and I think, assumes a couple more when spoken here. By the definition of philosophy as finding the best way of doing things, I think I have been studying that since after high school, about twelve years. As far as the definition of the search for truth, my whole life. I can remember being 5 years old and my teachers trying to convince me of the lies of fairy tales, and seeking the truth of it and finding the lies. As far as statist philosophy, probably also about 10 years. As far as Stephan, about 5 years. I still have yet to go through Plato and Socrates and such. None of it is done with rigorous intensity. I take a bite of this or that philosophy and play with it very much before I take another bite.

Aah, but we do do work for each other. She would not like me describing all of her issues, but I assure you she does try to overcome them for me. She is certainly much more damaged than I. It will take her longer to resolve herself. As far as my own growth, she wants to see me have a better relationship with my parents, for one thing, who I am estranged from. I have been reaching out to them... carefully. Unfortunately, with other people, it is always a matter of them choosing to take my hand. You are assuming a lot with the self congratulatory thing, I have known for a while now that the two of us are not on the same page. Also, you are some dude on the internet, whos rhetoric conflicts with recognized psychology I could readily cite. Should I invest in every youtube commenter as well? By what qualification do you suggest I take your word against something more recognized and established? Even in physics, with the most certain of laws, is there a non-zero percent chance of being wrong. I am here to entertain that possibility to become more sure of my position. If I am wrong, someone should be able to convince me of it.

Before anything else, I would like to give recognition to a gentleman here on the forum by the handle STer. He has provided me with psychology resources which have described me and my situation so accurately, that it has had immediate results on my relationship. This is not the first time his information has surprised me with its accuracy. His information really is worth a good read through. I can easily see what he has provided resolving all the issues I meant to bring up here, though there were some I did not even recognize. Also, apologies for the late response, I hope you all enjoyed your holidays as much as I did. Well as of late, the philosophy I have been mostly looking into is that of Stephan. It is a deviation from my normal philosophical beliefs of that of statism and survival of the fittest and such. It still struggles to resolve itself with me, for the most part. I do appreciate a lot of what he says. Another lifetime perhaps. STer's information has convinced me that my girlfriend and I are very much made for each other. In fact, it is recognized psychology that the best thing I could possibly do is try and make this work, as opposed to seeking the unicorn, or working with someone I am not attracted to, even if she were physically attractive. But already, I see a problem with your suggestion. With my girlfriend, I don't have to do the outreaching. She comes looking for me. She calls me to tell me that she wants me. That she needs me. She physically takes me by the hand and brings me closer to her to do whatever she wants, and I am happy to guide her towards the better path, catch her whenever she falls. I don't need to go chasing her. I don't need to go chasing other women. I'm not sure if a woman could ever understand, how refreshing it is for a man to feel like he is the one being chased. I don't make her chase me, however. It is an issue of hers, that her father never gave her the love she needed to be psychologically healthy. I can see plainly that this is the case, when I look into her eyes, and let all the love in my heart pour fourth into her. It's so much love, so much that she has never known, that she physically shutters, and looks away begging me to stop, somewhere on the border of laughing and crying. Then I take her face in my hand and guide her back to the love in my eyes she thinks she does not deserve, and fill the hole in her heart with it. She accepts it with her own return of love. It's everything I need to conquer the world. There is the existence of her pretending to love me. It's like, there is the pretend love, then behind that there is a disdain and annoyance. But then behind that, there is real love... love that she is afraid of. Love that I am afraid of as well. It hurts, to bring that out. But I am masochistic in this regard. After living so long without feeling a god damn thing in this ghost world, to feel this and any other pain has become much preferable. This is why I am happy to go along with the pretend love; I have seen the real love in her. It hurts her too much. She is not ready to face it like I am. Until she is, I will be happy to go along with the pretend love, waiting for her to be ready. I am not happy with everything about myself. I have my shortfalls. But there is a lot I do like about myself. I am very crafty. Nobody knows it until its too late, and then sometimes people still do not figure it out. With this cunning will I sneak philosophy powder into my lover's food, so that it may nourish her back to health against the parasites which suck her blood while telling her not to eat. Of that, I am also proud of.

Yes, I would. And I could see an argument for my lack of communication skills as being a reason people refrain from discussing philosophy topics. That is what I am seeking to improve after all. But I am not the only one recognizing how much general society is lacking on their part. Such can be seen in Stef's videos. I do want them to be interested in things that are more real. Then I could have real relationships. That never seems to be what people want. I see it as, they are just as miserable, but they refuse to recognize it. Where as I see the taxes taken out of my check and know the matrix behind it, others see the smaller check and assume that is just the way life is. I think this is a great example of people being unphilosophical and happy. This woman is a great example of women as a whole. She has plenty of problems. She just goes along ignoring them all and doing her best to be happy. When I go along with her pretend world, everything seems fine. When I try to shed light on why she is having problems, she turns and runs away from me. But with her, at least in her pretend world, she offers me love. That is more than anyone else anywhere has offered me, all of their own accord. The story never changes with women.

First, someone give Matt a rep for me, that gave me quite a giggle. Second, oii thats a lot of posts to respond to, forgive me for just speaking broadly and trying to hit all the points I am seeing. Third, my post might be a cry for help, but when I was writing it, I was thinking more along the lines of displaying the reasoning and the conclusion I have come to. I do indeed believe my conclusion is what is best for me. But I am one person; I lack perspective. I posted thinking I would read responses to consider other people's opinions, and see if I have made any errors in my thinking. I am not exactly leaving, I still want to come check out things posted here that interest me. I don't think I can ever actually leave. Now that I know the truth, I will always know it, and will ever only be able to pretend. But that is why I feel justified; wallowing in the truth just seems to never pan out for me as far as happiness goes. Investing in people never has either. Until now. I did mention philosophy has helped me in some ways. I know myself much more than I first did, and have improved myself in many ways because of it. One of the things I have come to understand, however, is that I have instincts. Instincts which become triggered and cause me to react before my neocortex even has a say in it. Philosophy has allowed me to avoid triggering situations, at least. It has indeed improved my socialization somewhat. But it is incomplete. One of the more important realizations I have come to, is in fact the idea of managing my expectations. I expect equality, and virtue, decency, and a lot of other things that seem reasonable to as for. I find my expectations to be too high for the general population. I could invest myself in always being the starting point, the example for others to build from, but that investment cost is simply too high for me. The cost is a life of unhappiness. How can I justify that? I can see here on this very thread, the valid logic of not investing in people who will never be worth it. By the same logic do I claim I cannot justify in anything that does not make me happy. Stephan himself has denoted in one of my favorite videos, that he cannot justify the continued existence of the human race, because of its disgracefulness. And I find myself most frustrated, when trying to fight against it. Trying to live a philosophically virtuous life. It's boring, uneventful, and frustrating. I find more beauty and happiness, in a chaotic, unbound woman while ignoring the misery of accepting the truths of the world. There is some kind of correlating quality here between anarchy and an anti-philosophical life, though the words elude me to describe it. I do know that Stef himself advocates anarchy, noting that controls tend to only get in the way of the best situation that can be brought about. By the same logic do I advocate that simply accepting things the way they are without trying to change them seems to be what brings about the most happiness in my life. Even if that means looking away from the truth. I am not here to say I am completely shedding philosophy; I am here to get perspective on the conclusion of philosophy I have found that seems to work best, and I seem to be unable to describe it completely.

I have posted on this forum before that my chief motivation is fulfillment, in all aspects. I thought a journey deeper into philosophy would help me achieve that goal, but the further I go into philosophical quandaries, and the more truth I consider, the unhappier I become. Truth hurts, plain and simple. And while there some ways in which grasping the ugly truth and shaping it into something beautiful can make me happier, there is an obvious and constant wall which I am running into where the answer becomes clear that philosophy can no longer serve me. Before I mention this wall, perhaps I should take a moment to comment on just what philosophy HAS done for me. I forget exactly when it was I stumbled upon one of Stef's old videos about the Federal Reserve, but it sparked my interest in it, it's history, it's mechanics, and monetary science. I can see the governmental matrix we live in now. I can prepare and protect myself against it, even determine certain inevitable events regarding it which I can capitalize on. Many of Stef's videos interviewing people have also helped me see that plenty of other people have problems, and are arguably worse than mine, as so many people seem to be so much more lost than I am. Perhaps I am just fine, all things considered, and should pursue a philosophy of acting like it. Stef's research and articles I see here on this forum have given me a plethora of information and perspective which has developed me in several interesting and useful ways. That being said, the wall I keep ramming my head into, is socialization. In real life, no one wants to talk about the Fed. No one wants to know how they are a slave. No one wants to talk about their problems. I mean, occasionally, someone will have the slightest interest in somewhat mentioning one of these or other important topics, but no one wants to delve into it with any seriousness. Sometimes a thoughtful guy will consider some of these things I am interested in, but never women. Especially women typically do not want to consider anything except how they are perfect, and god forbid anyone mention they have anything to improve. In fact, it seems my main socialization problem is with women. I have dabbled in women with no serious investment, always only playing with them. Never giving any of them my heart as we danced the night away before I brought them home, and then forgot them the next day. It's all they deserve. After all, none of them care to get to know me, or care for my heart. To be real, and to accept the real me. I knew better than to ever give a woman my heart. I made that mistake recently. She has no lack of red flags. At first it began as me playing my game on her, but there was something about her dysfunctions that so perfectly matched my own. She very much needed me and wanted me in certain ways, and it was everything I wanted. She loved me. I have no lack of record and memory in which she told me she loved me. Her want and need for me, though unreasonably neurotic, was everything I seemed to ever want, and was the most fulfilling thing I think I've ever experienced. I told her I gave her my heart, and she accepted, proceeding to love me as if to show how much she did. And then, I drove her away. I drove her away by breaking too many rules at once, tipping too much of my own hand, and in fact giving her all of my heart. It was the philosophy, the being too real, the striving to get her to constantly improve herself as I do, that pushed her away. It was too much too soon. Perhaps it is too much period. After all, there are ways in which I know I am capable of handling certain kinds of torment that the average person cannot even consider. She cannot handle such things. She does not want to pursue improvement. All she wants to do, is be happy and have fun. She wants to play goat simulator. She wants to laugh. She wants to show me videos of cats on the internet. All the stupid, unimportant, anti philosophical things I tend to abhor, she enjoys. Though I would typically divest from such people, I find this time, I simply cannot do it. With this girl, I have experienced happiness and fulfillment which I have never seen anywhere else. Happiness and fulfillment which not even philosophy has offered me. I see here sometimes, people prudely sticking to their philosophical musings, as if they bemoan to consider anything outside the collective wisdom of the church of philosophy. Do not accept a single red flag. Do not deviate from philosophical pillars. Do not this, do not that. In the end, all it means to me, is do not be happy. Do not live a full life. Turn away from the wonderful thing you have found. I am so sick of these naive idealistic prudes trying to convince me to only ever pursue the unicorn of a woman. Reality check fool; unicorns do not exist, and if that is your philosophy, do us all a favor and pursue your philosophy right out of the gene pool. Because if that is what it means, then philosophy, morals, ethics and everything else be damned. I will live in the matrix. I will lie to myself and all others. I will live with a crazy, chaotic, controlling woman. I see now why people live a life in lies; they are happy. It makes life worth living, when all the world around them supports the idea of anything but. Never before in all of reality have I ever seen such happiness. If I have to choose between the constant misery of reality and the happiness of the world we can pretend to be in, then I will choose the imaginary world any day. Because that is the only life which is worth living, and in all my philosophical searching, that conclusion is in keeping with philosophy as it is the ugly truth.

Alan, I feel the need to express my gratitude towards you and the research you do. It seems every time I see an interesting, relevant and helpful article pop up, it's you posting it. You are a true seeker of truth, voluntarily reporting on topics which can help us all. Secondly, I am very much currently shocked to see how much the article you have posted seems to describe the woman I am currently with. I want to repost all the points, but I might end up reposting the entire article. It has seemed somewhat obvious to me from the way her father treats her that he is very distant, and she continues to fight for a father that will never love her how she should be loved. There are noticeable obvious effects on her, and I have been looking for ways to help her understand herself and get better. Perhaps it is a statement of my own dysfunction that I choose to be with this woman who would raise so many red flags among others here, but I do so knowingly and willingly. I have a need for this woman to be with me. Your article helps me understand this woman, my relationship and role with her, and how I can help her realize completely what a wonderful person she is. From deep in my heart do I thank you for this. If you have any other material related to this, and how my girlfriend and I can develop ourselves, I would love to see it.

I would like to know, what percentage of these millennials are being given free rent, smartphones clothes etc. by their baby boomer parents/grandparents. Although I don't approve of the poor economic conditions we have been trapped into, life does not seem so bad when you're getting a free ride from grandpa.

Wonderful. This is a story that should be shared more prevalently. Such is the conclusion of any intelligent person who actually goes through the required research and does their due diligence. I once put forth an argument on this forum against transgenderism which was quite undeniable and full of evidence, if you would like to see it, but it seems like you probably know everything I might have researched.

I went to sleep at about 1 AM. It was about 4:30 AM when I woke just now from a dream so disturbing that I cannot stop thinking long enough to go back to bed. I don't want to disclose what it was about, I feel ashamed to have had it. I realize that, for me to have had such thoughts in my head, I must be much more disturbed than I originally thought I was. I have read about people who have killed themselves because the things that I dreamed happened to them in real life. I suppose I am lucky that I have only ever been a couple steps below these events, though my suicidal thoughts seem to make more sense in light of this. I am almost 30 years old, and only lately have I been capable of being able to fully function on my own to the point where I can live on my own and be my own person now. This seems to be opening a floodgate of self realization for me. One of the things I realize now, mostly because of my dream, is that I was... groomed. Conditioned as a child to meet an expectation that my parents did not even realize they had. This expectation was monstrous. And yet, for me to have had this dream, I must have lived my whole life trained by my parents to fulfill this expectation. It seems clear to me now that one parent was mostly to blame for this conditioning, though they would not realize it. The other parent could not know this was going on, although their training of me seems to have been a perfect collaboration for the goal of the other. I feel like I know why I am so alone all the time, spend most of my time avoiding people and not making friends, even though people have noticeably reached out for me. I feel like I know why I see myself and other humans as so disposable and unimportant. I know why I can't get along with people, and can't have an actual girlfriend, much less friend period. My parents taught me to never allow for the possibility of living with anyone other than them. They taught and conditioned me to never allow for the possibility of love. For god's sakes, my own parents conditioned me against the natural evolutionary instincts to continue the gene pool, and made me incapable of love.

In the book "The Creature from Jekyll Island" the parable of "the great duck dinner" encapsulates the problem at the heart of the topic here perfectly; http://judymorrisreport.blogspot.com/2011/12/great-duck-dinner.html I have argued here somewhat that the state becomes validated in the common man willingly giving himself to it. The state allows those who would otherwise perish of their own foolishness to survive, but only so long as they are dependent on and give power to the state. These people, usually too inept to survive on their own, tend to make up the majority of the population, and so, through a well manipulated process of democracy does the state survive. Because the common man will always choose the easy life over self responsibility and self control. A shorter answer perhaps, is that independence and self integrity prevents the state. But who on earth wants to opt for that?

I am in SD, but I don't have a facebook. Can we hash something out just on the forum here?

It is kind of a generalizing statement, but I make it because I find it to be true more often than not. From the moment women expect the man to be the first to say hi first, it's a game they are playing, so they can set the frame as if she is the one worthy of being chased. I'd rather not get into the whole game rn. But I am also an accomplished salsa dancer, and I was surprised to see a lovely young lady come ask me to dance the other day. The fault then rested upon me if I failed to conduct myself properly. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I am working on it. Actually I do have a dog, a dauschund for 13 years since he was a pup. He is blind now. I will keep him until he suffers, or does not get around well enough. He makes me think I would not be a good parent actually. I am usually gone and/or distant, and he seems to be more lonely than I am. I am so busy lately. I don't have time to play with him any more. He does not seem to care so much about it, as long as he can just sit in my lap while I am on the computer like he is right now. Well, all that ever happened was they would get paid for my sessions, I would talk about what was going on in my life, and nothing ever seemingly got resolved. It seems like none of them seemed to be able to help me any more than I knew how to help myself.

Thanks for the advice everybody, I am considering it all. Well number 1 would be an interesting ego stroke, but is not necessary. It's more about number 2 and 3.