Kurtis

Hey JD, Thankyou for your work. I do find it interesting that no men have contributed to this post (aside from you of course). There must be many here who have been mutilated themselves who could share their thoughts and experiences. I've been aware of this post for some time but have just read it all now... I myself am intact... it is one of the few things, and possibly the most important, that my mother got right. I don't know why she made the choice she did but perhaps it's due to her parents being European (if my understanding is correct that it is less prevalent there? ). Hearing about your experience with being mutilated has brought me to a deeper insight into the issue. I've listened to Stef's podcast on the topic, and have always known my whole life that I'd never do it if I had children. But I always had thought of the effects as being mainly physical. Now, thanks to your honesty, I can see the greater impacts of having this done. I've been able to remove my mother from my life and have more recently achieved great success in healing the damage she caused in my psyche. I can see how damaging genital mutilation would be to one's mental health, and a daily reminder of the parents lack of empathy, or inability to stand up to culture/family to protect the child. I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering this has caused for you. I agree that any kind of restoration procedure is not the answer. What is the hope for you to be free from this trauma? Can it be achieved with therapy and self work despite the permanent physical damage?

Will your wife be available, or willing, to participate in the call?

Very good point and it is something I was thinking about adding to my post, so I'm very glad you brought it up. Thankyou. Also, the harm caused by neglectful parents and the child's need for love (due to the dependence on parents for survival that you mentioned) is very damaging because as these children we are taught to "love your parents". This creates that reality perception problem because we are told to love the people who are our biggest threat.

Great idea I like how as a family activity it can involve so many creative aspects, such as story telling, acting, imagination, art and design etc etc.

Thanks! I forgot about Cranium I also wonder what peoples thoughts are on video gaming with children? When I was a child, video games were an escape from reality and from my parents; that pattern continued for a while into my adult life. However, the video games themselves were not the source of these negative aspects. I no longer play video games, mostly due to the opportunity costs involved with sinking that time into them. And yet, I could see playing again with future children. Especially games that are good for complex problem solving, strategy, teamwork, hand/eye coordination etc. Of course, all within the context of a healthy environment (just as with any other activity). With the exponential growth of technology, the advances in areas such as virtual, or augmented, reality will be nothing short of mind blowing. How cool would it be to take your kids on a VR tour of the human body at the cellular level, and then out into the cosmos to explore the macro universe?

Have you checked these websites/podcasts on unschooling? http://unschoolingsupport.com/ http://www.storiesofanunschoolingfamily.com/ I'm just getting into this topic in preparation for kids that are 2 or 3 years away from existing From what I've seen so far, the province of British Columbia on the west coast of Canada (where I'm conveniently located) is one of the more tolerable insofar as state laws and requirements (in North America). Although, here on the coast there certainly is not an abundance of sunlight!

+1 for Settlers and Carcassonne! I do not yet have kids, but I wonder if any parents here have experimented with games of the style of charades or pictionary?

For joint health, I like hot yoga. Going to help with your core and stabilizer muscles, flexibility, and cardio (due to the heat) also. Congrats on losing the 25 so far!

Thank you Quadrewple for your candor. Especially the aspects about your anger towards your father. Those thoughts of murder are something I've experienced and had dreams of towards my step father. That can be a very difficult thing to talk about, but given the violence that you were subjected to, it is very understandable. And yet, as you realized, now that you are out of harms way violence is not the answer to violence. In my experience this desire came directly from my unprocessed trauma. Because my mind/body still was in the fight or flight response, violence seemed like a very possible solution. Once I processed those traumas I no longer felt that way. I no longer see my step father as a threat, I only see a scared little child in an old man's body. (Who I still maintain the separation with) I understand what you describe about your extended family and their inaction in your childhood. Something that came out of my therapy that was very useful was the concept of being my own "competent caretaker". I also did not have any adults in my life who protected me, but now I have found my own way to providing myself what I missed out on as a child. That self love has been very instrumental in my healing journey. I think the advice that Cheryl gave above is very good. That idea of discovering and showing your self that you are now safe, will be very helpful to diminishing your struggles in your body. The main benefits I've had from somatic therapy were in dealing with the anxiety and fear that would manifest physically in my body, as a result of my parents. Early on in my process, the mere thought of receiving a text or email from my parents would create severe tightness and discomfort in my chest and sometimes stomach. My therapist would guide and teach me techniques to recover my nervous system from this state back to the "rest and digest" peaceful state. These physical techniques have also had very direct benefits to my mental health. The process of discovering the power of the body to regulate the mind, and vice versa, has been very empowering. I had learned from my parents that I shouldn't trust my instincts, but this work in somatic experiencing has shown me that my body knew the truth all along, and that my 'gut feeling' is something I can trust completely; that my body is my best ally in my path to greater happiness. I want to also tell you that freedom from all of these struggles is very possible, and to practice forgiveness and love for yourself. Keep up the good work!

Hello Kathryn, thank you for sharing. I wanted to reply because there are a few key similarities in your dream as were in my recurring nightmare from the ages around 2-4. My dream had a large (8ft) grasshopper who stood upright like a person. He would enter into my grandma's kitchen where my mother and grandma were chatting. The grasshopper was evil/dangerous, and would be taking me away. I was scared and in danger. No matter how much I cried out for help, my mother and grandma could not, or would not, hear me. There's a bit more to it, but that's the main details. I've since figured out, in this last year, what it meant. Which is basically that these "caretakers" in my life were not competent. Not only were they unable to protect me from harm, they were indifferent or unaware of the harm I suffered. This was mainly centered around the daily abandonment I experienced from the age of 6 months onward, as my single mother went to work full time starting then. She left me usually in the care of her parents who had abused her as a child and were cold and emotionally distant. The way you describe your mother also resonates very well with my experience. My mother had a very traumatic miscarriage, and I was the solution to her deep sadness. I was the baby who would bring joy into her life. So due to these similarities, I wonder if your dream was indicating similar issues for you with your mother. Her inability to see your distress, because you were there to provide her with happiness. If your childhood experience was negative, she would be unable to acknowledge that due to her own interests superceding yours. Well, these are just some thoughts that came to me when reading your posts. Perhaps they may be of some help. I'm sorry to hear about your childhood, I wish you the best in finding your answers.

I'm very sorry to hear this, it must be very painful for you In my mid 20's I was in love to a woman (developmentally we were a boy and girl), and we were intent on marrying each other. Her family was very religious, old testament style Christianity. She had lied to me about her own beliefs, saying it was just her parents that felt that strongly, not her. And yet, in the conversations leading up to us spending our lives together, she let it be known that she would indoctrinate our future children in the very same way her parents had done to her. She then confessed to having the same strength of faith as them. There was no possibility to appeal to reason, oh I tried. I was willing to accept everything about her, but once it became known that there was no way to change her mind about child indoctrination, I knew it was over, as that is something I'll never partake in. It was extremely painful then and remained so for a couple years after we broke up. However, I'm extremely grateful for having held strong to my decision. In these years that have followed I've been able to process my traumas, and no longer am living in my childhood. This has enabled me to meet a partner who shares the same virtues as me, with the same open mindedness and desire for growth. I'm not saying you should end your marriage or not, that is your journey to work through. I simply want you to have empathy for your future self, and for the children you will create one day. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for sharing. You alluded to your behaviour as a form of "me plus", which I'm guessing you've already thought through. Yes, becoming a better person can be the hardest work, but as you said is also "the most rewarding". I'm happy you were able to explore these feelings with acceptance and forgiveness for yourself, instead of self attack. Keep it up!

Another excellent post JD, I'm happy to see you back on the boards

I'm very sorry for what you experienced as a child. I have very similar parental figures, although it sounds like mine were not as extreme. However, I did experience the fear (of death) at the hands of my stepfather and my mother used me as a source of happiness, in a way that was very damaging to my sense of self. You mention your struggles with rage. Do you have anger also, or can you differentiate the two in what you feel? There are threads here in the self knowledge forum that discuss the benefits of anger, that may be of interest to you. In my understanding, anger is healthy in that it helps keep you safe. Whereas, rage is not as specific, or directed, and can be a very destructive force in your life. https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/44123-is-anger-really-healthy-for-you/ What kind of therapy are you in? Have you tried a therapist trained in somatic experiencing? It has been extremely helpful for me. Especially concerning my fear and anger. http://www.traumahealing.org/about-se.php You said it's been 4 months since cutting your father out of your life. How was that process for you? What is the status of your mother and her involvement, or not, in your life? Is the small town you live in the same one you grew up in, the same as where your family still resides? I know very well the struggles you describe with your nervous system constantly being in a state of fight or flight (sympathetic). It has taken me quite some time to process my traumas and be able to exist in the peaceful 'rest and digest' state (parasympathetic). This will be a key component to your healing, the ability to have your subconscious know that you are now safe. This will involve processing the trauma inflicted by your father. And you've made a huge step in that direction by removing his access to you. The work to deal with the damage caused by your mother is a separate task, and again in my experience, will be easier to achieve once you are no longer living in a fear state. This work will be crucial in order for you to be able to have a healthy relationship with a female. I have some more thoughts but will await your answers to my questions above, and if you have any questions for me, please ask away. What you are doing takes great courage, so take the time to thank yourself for how much you've already done to get to this point today. Finding your self worth and love will be extremely important in this process.

You mentioned fear, and fear of being alone. While I think partly that is normal for us social beings, I wonder if you have a childhood past that could be triggered by this loss? I could be wrong, and it may just be that your description of your ambivalence and then fear resonated very well with experiences I've had in the past. Either way, this time after a breakup is an excellent opportunity for you to explore yourself and possibly gain new insights and growth. You express a desire to move on, I think this may be best achieved if you can understand what brought you to this point. This may be the start of a difficult but rewarding journey.

Hello iuliuspro, welcome to the community! I think you will find here the more meaningful conversations you seek, and connections with like minded people. Don't be scared about finding your ignorance at the age of 23/24, you have me beat by nearly a decade! Just be happy that you have found your way when you did, it is a difficult journey but well worth it. I understand your feelings about being aware of things that most people choose not to look into, it can be frustrating. Just remember you can't change people, but you can change yourself to the best version possible. I look forward to your involvement here! I have not had sarmale but it looks delicious! Any recipes you could point me towards?

I think there are many in this community, myself included, who are very interested in being able to help others. Whatever it is you are struggling with, you don't have to do it alone.

Welcome to the boards! Stef often talks about how philosophy is not the knowledge, but acting on this knowledge to change ourselves and the world around us (well, he says it much more eloquently). Happy to see you are applying what you are learning to your everyday life, that takes courage!

Welcome Tyne! On behalf of your child, I'd like to thank you for your dedication to learning and improving. In regards to your communication issues with your partner, have you read Real-Time Relationships? https://freedomainradio.com/free/ I also agree with the others above about calling into the show asap, before you two 'drift even further apart'.

I'm very happy, thanks for asking! PM sent to avoid taking focus away from the OP.

No problem! My therapist has/is: Masters in Counselling Psychology Registered Clinical Counsellor Registered Rehabilitation Professional Somatic Experiencing Practitioner For a description of 'somatic experiencing': http://www.traumahealing.org/about-se.php

I wanted to comment on what you said here: I too battled the same with perfectionism and procrastination. I suppose they are a form of completion anxiety in that they will prevent you from ever completing anything (sometimes before you even really start). I too have recently overcome these to become more productive and have an increased sense of satisfaction in life. I am interested in what brought you to the point where you were able to overcome these issues? What do you think is the source of the impossibly high imaginary standards we imposed on ourselves? For myself, I'm not sure... I did find it helpful what Stef has said about procrastination, in that whatever you do instead of the thing being avoided, is actually what you'd rather be doing. So it's important to acknowledge that. However, there's more to it than that. I have seen that in a general trend, as my mental health improved, so too has my ability to complete things or to decide (and follow through with) what I really want to do with my time. I've been thinking about self worth today and so maybe that's why, but I have the thought that it applies here also. As my love for myself increases and my desire for happiness validated more and more, then I have less tolerance for forces in my life that detract from these things (anxiety about projects unfinished etc). I have certainly found that completing projects builds momentum that makes it easier to achieve more and more. It's an interesting topic you brought up, thank you for that. Congrats on completing this draft of your novel!

The causes that resulted in me having poor self worth possibly came from multiple actions/qualities of my mother. Having identified all these potential causes has led to me healing this issue within myself, but I am not certain as to how much each one may have contributed. At this point I feel that it was a combination of things. In response to your question, it was my mother's decision to bring my step dad into my life. He was very abusive to me, but not to her. This went on for nearly 10 years until I left, and she never did a single thing to protect me. I see this now as that she was getting what she wanted (not having to work and more babies) at my expense. I feel that this was a big contributor to my lack of self worth that I experienced from my childhood. However, there must be other reasons too, as I am currently trying to help one of my little sisters find her way to her own self worth and she was not abused by this man (her father) nor was she abandoned from an early age as my mother was a stay at home parent for her. I know that my mother has not dealt with any of her childhood traumas, and has built massive walls of denial to avoid dealing with her own fears and insecurities. So perhaps the answer is as simple as that a parents lack of self worth is transmitted directly to the children (through modelling). I am starting to formulate a post that will be about this topic of self worth, specifically in looking into the effects on children who have parents that use them as "givers of happiness". Hope that answers your curiosity, feel free to ask away if there's something more. And thank you for your kind words and encouragement. My call was from the Wednesday show last week, second call about the connection between boundaries and fear.

Thank you so much for this excellent post Kevin. I'm sorry to hear about your childhood experiences This resonated so directly to my own experience. I am curious if your mother's actions (choosing bad men for her comfort at the expense of her children) had as strong a destructive effect on your self worth, as it did for me with my mother? For me, this added another dimension to dealing with women (in addition to what you described above). I too have raised my standards greatly in the last year, something to which I attribute greatly to my newly found self worth. However, to stay on topic, I have not tried audio journaling, but you have inspired me to start. I always struggle with the inability to write fast enough, and often stop writing because I would physically fatigue before running out of thoughts to capture. I also think that audio journaling will enable me to journal more frequently as it will be more enjoyable to do. After a recent call in to the show I was reminded how uncomfortable I am listening to myself speak. I think listening back to my journals will help me work through this as well become a better speaker. Thanks again!