Kurtis

+1 and why I think that to discuss physical health as though separate from mental health is a big mistake. To get this back on track with the OP's question... (I don't understand why there is often so much obfuscation around these topics of diet.) 1) Eat plants and animals. 2) Move your body. If this is too difficult, then add a third item to your health regime: 3) Therapy. The movement part is key as you need to maintain muscle mass, bone density, and flexibility as you age. If you are already healthy, and you are looking to optimize, then is the time to start going deeper into specifics and details.

These statements are pretty amazing and certainly go against my lived experience. Are you saying that if I ate healthy foods, but I ate a lot of them, and had a sedentary lifestyle, that I would have the same body fat levels as if I was eating less and moving more? Could you point me towards where this has been shown to be true?

Another option that many offered, instead of an in person first meeting, were 20 minute phone calls to discuss possible suitability and these were free also. There are two things that I find most helpful with my therapist. Primarily is her work with somatic therapy (focusing on the body and physical feelings) which has been amazing for me. My childhood left me thinking that my instincts were wrong, but I've found the opposite to be true. There are also techniques that use the body to heal the mind which I've found helpful. The second thing I really enjoy is how my therapist can explain the scientific details behind different things we work through (like how the brain, nervous system, etc work). I find this helpful and interesting. However, there are many different kinds of therapy and therapist styles. The most important things, that should be universal, are that the therapist should make you feel safe and that they are on your side (supportive). Hope that helps. I really have a limited experience here, so hopefully others will add their thoughts also.

That's all fantastic, great work! I'm so happy to hear you focusing on the people that are important to you. These people are your allies, they love you. By putting more effort into these relationships, you are enriching them and yourself.

I'm sorry to hear about this terrible experience you just had, the description of your stomach doing parkour is a clear sign. That must be so hard to go in with vulnerability and optimism for healing and to then have that happen. When I started looking for a therapist I was preparing myself to have to go through many to find a good one that would work for me. What I did: Listened to Stef's podcast: http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/1927/how-to-find-a-great-therapist Google searched therapists/counselors in my area and found that most of them had online profiles/websites. Shortlisted the 6 or so I thought looked good to me and emailed them a detailed description of my situation and what I was looking to do. Went through the responses and picked the one that seemed best (which happened to be the same one I had an instinctual feeling about simply based off her picture and short Web description.) My therapist is amazing. (For me anyways). I have such a great therapeutic relationship with her, have made so much progress with her, and will continue with her until I no longer feel the need for therapy. I used to think that I was just "lucky" that it happened on my first try. But now I think differently. Through the several steps mentioned above my body was giving me very clear messages that this was the one. When I hear Stef talk about how much we can judge about a person from just a couple seconds of limited info (like whether a doctor or teacher is good or not), it really resonates with me. I live just north of you on Vancouver Island (about half way up). Sorry for the long rambly response, but my point is that I think if you can listen more to your body, you might have better success. (Plus your body will want to help you in this specific task!) Good luck

This was exactly my experience when I also told my emotionally manipulative mother that I needed some time apart. She continued to disregard my preferences, forcing me to do a full defoo to get the boundaries I needed. Until I completely cut her out, every time we talked she would tell me how upset she was, how much my actions were hurting her etc. and never asked how I was doing. She is in so much denial that she was unable to hear the truth of my experience, because it would destroy her personal narrative. I'm so sorry Alex. It is hard when we have to take on the responsibility because of the failures of our parents. Are you currently in therapy? This can be very helpful during this process you are undertaking (and to help you heal the things that were broken in your childhood). Also, trust what your body is telling you. The anxiety, discomfort, etc, is your body communicating to you very important info to keep you safe. Thankyou for sharing and keep up the good work. You are worth it!

I agree Koroviev. It's a bit disorienting sometimes, after leaving the sane conversations at FDR, to witness the extent that people are unwilling or unable to respond to reason and evidence. The one thing we can do, and it may be the most effective too, is to incorporate what we learn into our own lives, to lead by example. I like the way Stef describes this, "To shine so brightly..." Keep up the good work. I hope these people do come around eventually to realize how lucky they are to have you and your wife in their lives.

Good work on reducing the 'casts' in your living environment! I used to struggle with stretching enough, or simply moving my body in ways that it wanted or needed to. I noticed though that when I spent more time on the floor, after getting rid of my couches, that this has changed dramatically. The more you do to honour the temple that is your body, the better you should be able to hear what it needs.

Although I admit... I feel like I'm spinning into abstract land when I try to nail down where an event is separate from an environment... an action causes a change in environment both internal and external.

When I look at my childhood, all of my memories of being happy came from times when I was alone. With the happiest being when I was very alone, off adventuring in the woods. For me, happiness was very environmental. When my environment was free from abusers, only then could I be happy. When I think of my adult life, it was only after defoo'ing and clearing up my internal environment that my happiness was really able to flourish. Until I did those things I could only have temporary happiness through events (adrenaline inducing physical activities, drugs, food, toxic relationships etc).

Wow, thanks Matt! Amazing stuff, very helpful.

I don't know the specific episodes, but there are many that Stef brings up the same research which shows that children who are left by their parents for something like 22 hours a week demonstrate the same trauma as complete orphans. Perhaps pointing them to this research might be enough to shock them into thought. As a child of a single mother who went back to full time work when I was 6 months old, I can attest to the harm caused by absent parents. Those early experiences of feeling re-abandoned 5 days a week are still something I'm working on. From the description of this couple I doubt you'll have much luck in intervening. If you could get them into the peaceful parenting podcasts under the guise of "general preparing to be parents", the message that is unavoidable in them is the importance of being with your young children. However, as has been said above, you cannot help change somebody who is not open and willing to change themselves. Has your wife thought about what will become of this friendship if they do not change? In my experience, the self erasure required to maintain relationships with people who live lives opposed to the core virtues you hold dearly is not worth it.

Kudos to you Lens... your effort in finding specific podcast links that relate to your posts is always very appreciated (by me at least). Your mention of the "quiet child" reminds me of how I used to identify with being "shy", especially in childhood. This is all too common in many people. The abused child who doesn't have a voice in the family continues into an adult who doesn't have a voice in life. This becomes so internalized we think it's just the way we are, or even worse, that it's a virtue. Anger is a very useful tool to find one's voice, providing the energy required to finally express oneself to the people who took that ability away.

Yeah, it took a little while to become comfortable. The idea behind this (or at least my poor retelling) is that our tissues are soft, having never had to support our body weight. So at the beginning, it's uncomfortable until these tissues build the strength required. Also, the more frequent movement during the night, combined with the harder sleeping surface, results in a massaging effect on your muscles and helps the body realign itself. But, in her podcasts (link above) Katy does a much better explanation. Good luck with the hammock! I've been thinking about getting one instead of a tent, but have not slept overnight in one yet. I like sleeping outside, need to make that happen more often.

+1! After listening to a biomechanist (Katy Bowman: http://www.katysays.com/ ) I decided to get rid of my big fancy expensive bed and started sleeping on the floor on a mat. Have been doing it for about 5 months now and love it. I work a very physical job and my body has responded extremely well to this change. Katy Bowman has some really interesting ideas about this, and many other facets of modern lifestyles, and how are bodies are being harmed by activities we consider normal or good. Plus incase philosophy isn't enough to separate you from the herd, try telling people you sleep on the floor!

Slavik, I found your post when doing a search on 'siblings'. I want to express how deeply sorry I am for your childhood experience and commend you for taking the difficult action to heal the damage created by others. That takes a lot of courage. I want to speak from my perspective of being the oldest of 4 children to show that there is a vast spectrum of childhood/sibling experiences. I was abused more than my siblings. My first few years of life were dominated by abandonment and poor attachment. My siblings are the product of my mother's marriage to my step father. He physically abused me for near 10 years. I was the only one in the family that was the focus of his rage. I don't say this as an attempt at one-upmanship. I'm simply trying to point out the need to be careful to not project our trauma onto others. I never treated my siblings with anything other than love and kindness. Have you been able to communicate your feelings to your siblings? How do they describe their childhood experiences? How do they describe your childhood experience? Have they made amends for their treatment of you? I understand what it's like if you feel alone in your experience of your family. My siblings still all believe that their/our parents are really great and profess deep love for them. This is the cause of major damage in our relationships with each other, damage that is the responsibility of our parents. I can feel the raw pain in your original post. How do you feel about this issue now, have you made progress in therapy on this important topic?

Jas, I see you have not been active for a lengthy period of time. How are you? Reading this thread reminded me of something similar that I have experienced and perhaps it might be useful for you. When I started my process of self knowledge I would get intense anxiety when communicating with my mother. I initially dealt with it by creating boundaries which then escalated into me defoo'ing. The anxiety and fear receded but did not go away completely. I agree with you in that you were unable to express yourself for fear of punishment or abandonment, for which I am truly sorry. Fear of abandonment is something I too have experienced, it is powerful and terrifying. I recently had an insight that takes this fear of expressing oneself to abusive parents a step further. I saw that the anxiety that I would feel around my mother was in fact her anxiety that she was projecting into me (or that her alter in my head was projecting). Her anxiety came from my commitment to truth, knowing that my expressions of truth would erode her defensive denial and fantasies that she was hiding behind. Understanding the true source of these feelings has helped to further set me free from the emotional childhood prison that I was born into. I hope you are happy and well.

From one 'lost child' to another, I wanted to thank you for your post. I now have that book by Bradshaw on my list and am looking forward to reading it. I experienced much more severe traumas than my younger siblings and yet am the only one, so far, that has been able to find my way to the truth and a whole, authentic self. As a child I coped by seeking isolation, and these times were the sources of my happiest childhood memories. Reminds me of a concept I learned in therapy, which is that of being your own "competent caretaker". I credit those alone times for allowing me to retain my true self, which enabled me to eventually begin the healing process. Thank you again for your post, it certainly resonates with me and was very interesting!

Great work in this thread JD. I'm so sorry for your predicament, it is one that I too am dealing with. My defoo, despite my desires, broke the relationships with my much younger siblings. The reason being that they do not see the truth of our parents yet. This situation of a child's experience of suffering versus the parent's narrative of being loving caregivers destroys the child's perception of reality, of self worth, of good and evil. Once we see the truth of our parents failings it seems so obvious. But our younger siblings are still too deep in it, they aren't there yet. The cause of these opposing perspectives is our parents inability to take responsibility for their actions, their failure to accept reality. In order for these sibling relationships to heal, either the parents must tell their children the truth (which they may never be able to do) or the siblings will have to find their own way to the truth. Look how long it took you and I to get there, it's not easy. The only thing I'm able to do at this point is to be the best version of me, reaching for my full potential. The truth of this happiness will eventually outshine the poison of the family. In order to be emotionally free to do these things I had to accept that I may never have a relationship with my siblings. It sounds like you understand this and I agree with Nathan's advice about therapy. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing. I completely agree with Lens, I think he described this better than I could: Also my experience after reading MMX'S post and a very good point by Nathan at the end (of which you, JD, have already accepted but I thought it was worthy of repeating)

Welcome! I almost wrote "welcome back" except I am newly arrived to the online community myself. It's that lately I've been listening to the older shows (starting from the first and generally working forward) and so I have this fondness for the feeling of intimacy in those early days of car casts I am sorry to hear the suffering you have had in your life and am happy you have found your way back to believing in yourself. Much of my life before finding FDR was dominated by the feeling that I had so much potential to be great that I was not fulfilling. Through my self work I am now starting to actualize some of that potential and it is amazing! I'm excited for you, and this community as a whole, as we all uplift ourselves and each other. Keep up the good work you are doing!

Hello Jinr0h, Would you care to elaborate on your comment about fear? Sorry, I am having a bit of difficulty in following what you meant. Were you correlating your fear of death with the dissatisfaction of conforming to our current societies? For me, it is a very interesting topic (fear), as it is something I have struggled with in the past year. I would love to hear more about your experience with it, if you don't mind sharing. Thanks

Thank you David for your response, the point about empathy versus sympathy is a very interesting one for me. I have been thinking that my mother lacks empathy, but I can't argue with your point about sympathy, and how empathy would be required in order to manipulate. I consider then that she lacks sympathy, which makes sense because if she were to have sympathy, then her own narrative (of being an awesome parent) would be threatened. In my last therapy session, when discussing this topic, I made a substantial breakthrough. Which is that I saw my motivation, or reason, as to why I manipulate. Every time I have manipulated it was because I was trying to protect some intimacy I had at that moment in my life. Intimacy/love is something very precious and powerful for me due to my childhood history of abandonment and lack of parental attachment. This in no way means that the manipulation is excused or good. Also, the intimacy I'm protecting may very well be unhealthy. For example, in the past I tried to manipulate a friend who (for very good reasons) was opposed to me dating someone. This understanding is huge for me, as I already have experience with other past subconscious behaviours that I was finally able to stop, after learning why I did them (making them conscious). Specifically, I would love to use this skill to enrich the lives of a future partner and potential children of ours. I have tried to do this with partners in the past, except I was still "in my childhood" and so was replaying the pattern I had with my mother, which was to do everything I could to make the other person happy, to the point of self erasure or sacrifice. However, with my improved emotional health the goal now would be to do this in a win-win format so as to enrich my own life by the very process of enriching others. This is how I see myself able to create a positive force in the world, by starting with myself, friends, and then a family of my own. Thank you for your help David!

Hi, great response. It sounds like you have your exit strategy well planned out, which must feel good. No need to apologize! Your post is full of philosophical content, and written very well. Although I do not know what it's like to deal with such an inclusive community, the difficulties you describe sound very similar to what many, including myself, have had to deal with in splitting from family systems that are built on falsehoods. The ostricism or threat of it is a very real thing. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this on so many fronts. How is your relationship with your parents and family? You mentioned above your concern about being honest with your parents about your desire to leave the church. I'm sure there are others in this online community who have come from the same religion as you, or have similar experiences in getting out of these communities. Again, welcome, and I wish you all the best in your journey.

Hello and welcome to the boards! A couple thoughts/questions about your opening post:

Happy to have you here too Frank. FDR also helped me find my self worth and that has blossomed into an all out love affair with myself Congratulations on starting this journey, it takes a lot of courage to go against the family. Especially with an ACE of 7, I'm so sorry for the terrible things you suffered. Keep at it, the pain and difficulty eases as you make progress. There are many people here who are happy to help. You are not alone.