brucethecollie

Wonderful poem. I was so moved by this and found it so accessible and relatable. Thank you.

That makes perfect sense. Validation. Thanks for that insight!

Big kudos to those who stand up for children. I've never seen anyone do it in public. I've done it twice. It is a very hard thing for me to do and I wish that the times I've done it I had presented more confidence, but I suppose it is important to say something when it matters, even if you are shaking. I agree that even directing words to a child is helpful--in fact I know it is. I had a friend in middle school who told me about how her dad would call her things like "a little shit" or "brat" or "pain in the ass". She laughed about it a little and I just looked at her with sadness. We lost touch but in high school we had the chance to speak again and I asked about how things were with her dad. She said that she was glad she got into a far off college so she would never have to see him again. Then she said that about a year earlier, a woman confronted her father at a grocery store and asked him why he was speaking to his daughter that way. He cussed her out and told her to mind her own business. The women then turned to her and said, "Sweetheart, this isn't decent, it isn't right. Seek people who can tell you and show you what goodness is." This friend said that what that woman said gave her the motivation to apply to an out of state school and to "get the hell out" of her house. She told me she was done with shitty people and looked forward to finding good people to hang out with. It really is something I think about when I'm scared to speak up. That said, both times I spoke up it didn't go well. One woman told me, "I oughta beat YOUR ass!" Another woman looked at me in a very intimidating way. Due to these experiences I don't say anything when my children are with me. What I do is I tell my children we need to leave right away. They understand why, they are horrified at this kind of behavior. And the other parent hopefully feels embarrassed. I don't know if this is a good idea but I currently don't feel safe confronting certain types. I once had an angry woman pull a bat out on me in traffic (yes, she got out of her car) for accidentally cutting her off. I'm not proud of not saying anything and need to work on the fear aspect while also allowing myself the right to discern when fear and self preservation is appropriate. Just looking at a dad smacking his son on the bottom made him stand up and walk menacingly towards me so he could say, "WHAT?" Anyway, very cool to read about people speaking up and what it is some of you have said. Taking notes here...

I have studied and enjoyed using the Meyers Briggs Type Indicator since I was a kid. I understand it as a tool for self awareness based on one's "preferences"--the initial way of filtering, consuming and processing information. Each of the differences come with their own pros and cons in different situations. I tend to think it is often misunderstood, as well. I found this video by Dr. Dario Nardi, author of a book on the subject. I just wanted to share and would love to hear feedback, personal comments and opinions: Anecdotally speaking, one of the most useful things for me in my marriage and as a parent has been this personality test. It has helped guide me to understand the differences between myself and my husband and children. When two very different people come together (but ideally and most importantly, hold the same values), there can be a tendency to be almost bewildered by each other. For example, I am an F where my husband is a T. This doesn't mean I can't make decisions based on logic but without awareness of my strong initial emotional reactions based on the way my brain functions due to genetics, early childhood, experience etc, logical decision making skills can be weak or clouded at times. Generally speaking, I'd say there is more potential for higher intelligence in a strong T versus a strong F. Just my guess. My husband on the other hand naturally applies a logical and more impartial perspective and doesn't have to hesitate or work through a cloud of feelings. I can certainly appear like an blubbering idiot to him while he can sometimes appear very cold and distant to me--this happened more during our first year together. Now I value his way of processing information and he values mine, we just help each other out. He has learned to help me past my initial reactions under stress (which is when I struggle) and supports me to a place more grounded in reality while I show him that some people get to their rational place by first having their feelings acknowledged, particularly children and it is very useful when communicating with others. I provide compassion and display empathy more easily than he does. He admires the warmth that brings. It flows out without a thought or without any effort. (I admit this is a negative thing when there is misplaced compassion and empathy--that I don't value and strive to avoid.) As an example, let's say someone gives us bad news. They say they have some illness. My first reaction is to feel sorry and give compassion and my husband's is to ask if they've thought of this or tried that. Now depending on who gives this news and their personality, they may either respond appreciatively to my quick show of compassion or to my husband's quick jump into practical matters and troubleshooting/problem-solving. It doesn't mean I don't go into problem-solving, it just means my preference is going to be first talking to this person about how they feel and listening to them talk. And my husband can be very compassionate and empathetic but typically as a thoughtful secondary reaction pushed forward through awareness of who he is speaking to and what may first benefit them in that moment. The 16 combinations of these four preferences create some very distinct differences. Something very interesting that Dr. Nardi shares in his book (if I recall correctly), is how when using EEG testing on the IN types, the neocortex did something the other types didn't do which is to emit medium-low frequency but very high amplitude waves across all the regions, meaning the brain was in a relaxed but very awake state. These two types are often considered (tentatively by random non professionals) as having the most potential for intelligence of the 16 types. They are capable of intense focus utilizing many parts of the brain which allows them to access information and make connections (kind of like Sherlock Holme's mind palace lol in fact many believe the character to be an INTP or INTJ) leading them to novel or impressive conclusions that often blow people away. These types are often regarded as a little bit psychic due to this piecing together of so many connections and coming up with a conclusion that happens to be true (like a successful solution to a tricky problem) though they often can't explain how it is true until later. A person who knows thy self is, I think, going to appreciate themselves more as well as appreciate others for the way they are (others who are decent--I'm not speaking of immoral or ridiculous individuals). I think MBTI is useful for many types when it comes to learning about their tendencies--some are just not going to be open or interested in learning about it for perfectly fine reasons (such as many of the types I think gravitate in large numbers to this forum) but may well be extremely good about knowing themselves and communicating well with others anyway. There is supposedly a spectrum for each type. One could be a strong I or E or maybe smack in the middle of both. As the video demonstrates, different preferences occur as a result of what is happening in the brain and we can train different regions in the neocortex and get more activity out of them. I am a weak P versus a strong P because I have lived 20+ years with an illness that benefits from the structure and routine of a J type. I have effectively practiced changing in a way that will support my health and make it easier to take care of myself by challenging myself to adopt different habits and develop different skills. I have been doing this with my F function. I have been writing science articles as of late and find it has been forcing me to practice my T function, though I still am very much an F. It is inspiring to me to see the above video because it shows we have control over so much. We can choose to work on tendencies we have and perhaps make them less extreme by developing other areas of our brain that will suppress our exaggerated stimulated responses. My twins are very much opposites, which I hear is common because growing up the exact same age alongside someone tends to produce exaggerated responses and preferences based on working as a unit or team versus an individual during the first few years of life. I don't talk to my kids about meyers briggs--don't want to while they are so young but I think I know their types and am able to help them strengthen and challenge their weaknesses and acknowledge and continue to develop their strengths with my awareness and encouragement. Many other people do this with their children and other loved ones. For me, MBTI has been mostly helpful in the organizational sense and in the way it ascribes language to something I could before only intuit. (Intuition being just making connections using different parts of the brain but not exactly being able to pinpoint the source of said gathered information, I don't mean to say in a mystical sense). Anyway, I'm gonna shut up now. As you see I could chat about this forever!

Brilliant and refreshingly succinct. Thanks for sharing

When a meet a female and wonder if we could be friends, I get a lot of guidance from her Facebook profile. Those are all red flags to me lol

I'm not sure you mentioned what the problem is in your marriage?

I would tend to agree with Dsayers. My daughter had to have blood drawn as an 8 month old infant to discover the source of a life-threatening allergy. The clinicians couldn't draw her blood and after an hour I had them stop trying. They came to our house and took another hour "finding the vein". After this experience, my daughter was extremely shy with people. I didn't push her or shame her about it but patiently let her learn to trust strangers again. After 3 years she went back to how I remembered her before 8 months and now she is 7 and one of the most social and communicative children I've ever known. My own shyness didn't exist until I went to school without yet knowing the language. I learned quickly as children do but that seemed to have been the beginning of it. I was labeled mentally retarded soon after that until they tested me, told me I tested gifted and then left me alone. But before testing me they had me pulled from classes to be with children with learning problems and told me not to tell my parents. I got less shy with age due to major effort but it wasn't easy. My son has a little bit of shyness now. It started when he was 5 or so. He is 7 now. I don't know why he is dealing with it but it has helped him to hear what he was like as a toddler (not shy at all). I hope that giving him opportunities to socialize on his own terms will help. He seems very intelligent and critical. He doesn't forgive easily. So the few times he has seen adults behaving badly (like the woman that spanked her son at a playground or the man that threw his beer bottle in our driveway or his uncle who tried to force him to give him a hug) has made him a little skeptical of people he doesn't know. He waits to get to know people before trusting them and he likes to know my reaction to them before he speaks to them. My husband wasn't shy until he was moved (undocumented) to the US from Mexico as a 10 year old. I do tend to think something sparks shyness. Unless I'm defining shyness incorrectly. Either way, I don't tell my kids who to trust because I'm not all knowing and children tend to have very good instincts about people.

I think it's interesting that my dad saw this coming 30 some years ago which is why I was born in Venezuela but raised in the US. I'm now seeing in the US, the things my parents saw in Venezuela and left to avoid. Scary. People did enjoy a wonderful life there but they did have a rampant attitude problem of complacency and a lack of philosophical views pertaining to virtue and truth. Basically, what we are seeing spread here in the US.

In my family it was a grandparent of mine who was born "illegitimate" (and the leftover parent committed suicide when he was 11 to make matters worse) and I've noticed a trend of self esteem issues and insecurity and people pleasing that has run down the line.

If I was that parent and had the means I'd give money to the zoo, if not, what more could be done? Should a child's life become very difficult if parents need to pay for an accident and can't afford it? I don't know. Perhaps with cause and effect...parents everywhere will be more careful and zoos everywhere will check to child proof all enclosures. After all, children are probably their main source of income.

All I know is that if that were my kid, I'd want the gorilla shot. And I don't know that it is possible to not screw up at least once as a parent. I would not have thought this way before being a parent, so my perspective is very emotionally clouded and based on my experience with my own screw ups.

I try to answer the question until my kids are satisfied. Concerning child psychology, it can be damaging to provide information beyond what their current stage of development can handle (and this probably varies per child). I notice that each year my kids ask me "where do children come from" and each year their follow up questions lead us into further details. They stop being interested at a certain point which tells me that they are satisfied with the answer. I wouldn't be able to tell them more if I wanted to because once children have heard enough they are no longer paying attention anyway. Most of us probably experienced parents going on about something past our point of interest and might remember how frustrating that was. As an example: age 4: "where do babies come from?" me: I explained that together, mommy and daddy decide to create a baby which starts growing in mommy's belly (at this point they interrupt to ask about what it felt like for me to carry them and how long it took and what they were like when they first came out) Then they went to play. age 5: "where do babies come from, again?" me: I explained the same again and asked them if they had any questions. They asked about how they were able to breathe without air and how they ate while in the belly. They wondered if they interacted with each other in there. Then they went to play. age 6: "how does a baby start out in the belly?" me: I explained that men carry sperm and women carry eggs and just how other mammals fertilize that egg together, so do humans. They interrupted to ask me about how a baby grew from a tiny little thing. They asked why women grow the baby in their body and not men. They asked about how their looks were determined so we talked about DNA. They asked about details regarding the c-section I had to have. At one point one of the two covered their ears and said "I don't want to hear this part, yet!" The other one shivered and said, "that sounds scary mom, the doctor cut you open right near my head!" So I explained how it was necessary and good for the purpose of getting them out safely and keeping me safe and in the end all turned out great because the doctor knew what he was doing. Then they smiled and went to play. They turn 7 soon and I'm pretty sure the next question will lead to the full details. And I will tell them. Humans learn many things in pieces that build over time. I think it helps with deep understanding. I'm not interested in lying to my kids but I certainly do not volunteer information they may not be ready for. Their questions are my guide.

I was wondering this, too. I admit that when my parents displayed moments where they seemed to be really in love it was a healthy feeling for me. I felt safe and hopeful and joy. Passion can look really boring, I think. In a movie it's portrayed in a very visible way oftentimes but I think passion can be at a high level in people who simply appear happy and peaceful and in step with each other. Passion in a marriage often ebbs and flows with life circumstances and hormone cycles. I will also admit that my kids seem lighter and happier when they see (non sexual, obviously) signals of passion between my husband and I like loud laughing or doing some goofy dance together or a kiss on the forehead or something. It can be done all the time probably, but I haven't met a couple yet, that can do it. And then of course, I could have the wrong definition of passion here.

I'm so sorry about your situation. It sounds rough. What were the allegations and what characteristics or tendencies are you possibly concerned about?

Does he like to write? Anything I don't enjoy and feel I have to do versus want to do gets mind blocked and I have to struggle much more with focus. Children are often hyper aware of the lack of control in their lives. Not necessarily in a negative way but if they have to be somewhere and do something at a certain time and it's not their choosing then it's just glaringly obvious to them. It's why many kids daydream about what they will do when they are older. High IQ kids have even more frustration in this area, I think.

To live up to one's virtuous values? lol

To live according to one's values.

Thank you so much for all the responses. I really needed to hear all this. You know how sometimes a person can worry themselves into a tizzy? That is what I was feeling but I got a ton of perspective and gentle reminders and ideas of things to do. I agree that comment you pointed out is confusing. I was so overwhelmed when I was writing I was unclear there to say the least. What I mean is they will have their moment of frustration and be over it in 10 minutes and I will feel stress over that for hours. You know how in comedies someone will slap someone who is irrationally flying off the tracks and that person will thank them for it? That's kind of how your response felt (without the violence factor lol) and I really appreciate it. Their dad is around--my husband, he is really chill and logical and I hope that he doesn't always have to work 12 hour days plus Saturdays since it would be nice for the kids to have more of his very easy going personality. I'm more driven but I like how my husband models acceptance and satisfaction with the here and now. I freelance from home before the kids wake and after they go to bed in hopes that we can lower his work hours soon. You reminded me of a song I like with a"if you're bored then you're boring" line in it and I told my daughter that some people say that there are no boring things just boring people. And I asked her what she thought about that. She said, "I shouldn't say i'm bored then because I think that's the wrong word." So I asked her to try and think of the specific word to describe how she was feeling and she said, "I want to do something we normally don't do. I like doing new things all the time." And I got it. I've been struggling because my twins are major opposites and so we are constantly compromising about how we go about our day. One likes routine the way an old person might and the other could be out all day hopping from one activity to the other. So I sat them down to talk about this and kept thinking "be creative" to myself and the last couple of days were SO much better. Also, I can be really enthusiastic about almost anything as long as I'm not tired. So I am planning on cutting back dramatically on a coaching business I have. I'm rarely bored and generally find something to do but lately, I do feel frustrated often. And actually, insurance changes caused me to change my insulin types recently which is causing me major frustration and mood swings and medical emergency scenarios. I'm staying peaceful towards the kids but they do know when I can't do something or feel really sick due to dangerously high blood sugars (which I rarely had before). So I'm in the process of adjusting to older and crappier meds and I think that is also something which sparked this type of call for help. Funny though how the awareness of all this positively influenced the kids over the last few days. I guess like they say, awareness is key. And I'm more aware now that I should cut back on some work and really tackle my insulin management in order to handle my frustration so they don't bleed on everyone else. Mellomama I like how you respond when your kids say they are bored. I usually go through a list of things they could do as they shoot them down until their eyes light up about something. Sometimes I'm too tired to do anything except empathize. Sometimes I say "it's normal to feel bored, but we can think of something to do..." and then we brainstorm. Anyway, I got something useful from everyone's response, thank you all SO much.

That is so sad, I'm so very sorry I'd say stay away from him but I understand you are an uncle and that complicates matters. I am in a similar situation with two siblings. I had to cut off any ties to one and to the other, well, the only thing that has helped is to live by example-at least one sibling is being inspired to change and is making steps in the right direction. I feel terrible about my one niece I don't have contact with but the parents make the situation impossible. In both cases, my siblings were not ready to be parents and chose a terrible partner and they emit this awful underlying tone of resentment towards the kids.

I'm one of those highly sensitive individuals so luckily I had kids with a man that is really logical and basically opposite of me. Not that i'm not rational but my primary filter is emotional and then I run everything by my logic, if that makes any sense. Anyway, I've been having a lot of stress lately parenting my 6 year old twins, a boy and a girl. They are opposite from each other and between the two I think I have my work cut out for me right now. I peacefully parent them and that hasn't changed but I am taking on too much internal stress which I'd like to rationalize my way out of or get a little relief. When my children exhibit any kind of major frustration with something or they are sad or upset (over any little normal thing) I have a hard time...I want them to be happy, not to hurt, not to be frustrated. And yet I know it's necessary to experience frustration and natural cause and effect and to struggle while learning new things. I wonder sometimes if my childhood experiences are coloring my vision in the present. I've mentioned it here before but I have type 1 diabetes since childhood and it caused a great deal of suffering from age 11 on up. I take really good care of myself now with a lot of discipline and hard work but I feel bitter about growing up the way I did. In particular because I also had some major stress from a brother only one year younger who was going off the rails all through childhood and no one knew how to help him. So I also tend to relive all the worry I had about my brother while growing up when seeing any slight similarities in behavior between him and my children (because my brother grew into a nightmare, as he still is today). I try to stay calm and be rational and think about what is normal in 6 year old development and asserting independence whilst still having big emotions seems to be normal but I feel overly sensitive to it. And so I am compelled to ask anyone who is listening to reassure me that it is normal for children to get upset when things don't go their way and to get frustrated and bored and irritable, the same way adults get from time to time. I just don't really understand why I would want them to always be happy every minute of the day when that isn't a normal human way to be. Is it that I'm being too sensitive and want to stop MY suffering, since I feel suffering when they are not happy? And why should I suffer when they are frustrated over a something small and aside from that frustration they are well cared for? In many ways peaceful parenting comes easy to me...i'm very empathetic, but I am feeling more pain than they are (so the truth is being distorted?) and don't know what to do about it. Any insight would be appreciated, thanks

The better a man and woman eat, the more symmetrical (meaning healthy and attractive) a child will be. I wonder if there is a reason I was craving the hell out of leafy greens while pregnant with my twins. I asked a physician about it who said he wasn't sure but that it made sense since I was literally "building babies" and that process requires nutrients as human manufacturing building blocks. It's an additional good reason for men and women to eat as well as they are able. This article talks about the role of men and women and their lifestyle on a developing fetus and a child's health risks: http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/12/29/parents-lifestyle-children-health.aspx

I am pretty new to unschooling/homeschooling. My son and daughter are six and I just try to engage them in activities they like all day and we have discovered that while they like choosing and planning what they want to do, we all appreciate a certain level of routine and structure. So, I get up and do the same house cleaning each morning and also keep meal times in place. I read before bed each night. That bit of structure helps me keep things running but also is limited to that because I recognize the kids like to feel free to follow their interests. I can recall countless moments while growing up when I would sit in the school classroom and wish I was finishing a book at home or climbing a tree or redoing a fun science experiment or learning to cook something. As an adult, I realize it works just fine how on certain days I'm in the mood for something and that is the moment to harness that motivation and put it to use. It's harder when the moment passes. I'm sure the same happens to kids so giving them their necessities in a ritualistic kind of way (puts ones mind at ease to always know when food is coming, as one example) but then giving plenty of leeway for the random way in which kids suddenly get a light bulb moment or really want to figure something out and allowing for that to be satiated instead of interrupted seems to be working well for us so far. I really have appreciated this thread and all the comments.

I was reading Letters from a Stoic by Seneca a while back and two quotes circling in my head helped give me a push when it came to talking to some people close to me (which can be downright terrifying as the risk of social rejection seemed overwhelming to me). Anyway, here they are: “Limiting one’s desires actually helps to cure one of fear. ‘Cease to hope … and you will cease to fear.’ … Widely different [as fear and hope] are, the two of them march in unison like a prisoner and the escort he is handcuffed to. Fear keeps pace with hope … both belong to a mind in suspense, to a mind in a state of anxiety through looking into the future. Both are mainly due to projecting our thoughts far ahead of us instead of adapting ourselves to the present.” “To expect punishment is to suffer it; and to earn it is to expect it.” Basically, meet the fear head on and you will likely see the reality is not as bad as your worst fears...plus...there is so much to gain and after all, you are already suffering with your worries on the subject so what have you really got to lose? (keep in mind in some cases there really may be good reasons not to speak up) As for being able to speak your ideas clearly, that does take a lot of studying and practice. I am still working on it. Asking people if they wouldn't mind you elaborating in written form can help give you time to express more clarity on a subject.

Based on my studies of nutrition it seems that some people can eat all animal food and thrive and other people eat almost none and too, thrive. This makes sense when we think about studies where different people react differently to fructose, salt, and different types of fat. In one study I thought was interesting, of the people monitored regarding salt intake and response on blood pressure after a meal, about as many people had a lowering of blood pressure as those whose blood pressure rose and still others had no change in blood pressure. Why would people react differently? The same has been seen in people eating animal fat versus olive oil. And some people maintain very healthy blood panels when consuming lots of fructose but others quickly see a detriment to their blood sugars and liver. Perhaps people evolved slightly based on the foods they had to consume around them and their bodies adapted to better make use of those foods. I think it's interesting to note that the people of the "Blue Zones", the areas around the world with the most centenarians, don't all eat the same. And hasn't genetic testing found that people from certain parts of the world (0 Blood types) often can't digest dairy? Due to having less time to evolve alongside cows. I myself have done a lot of blood tests to find out what food keeps my cholesterol, blood pressure, and triglycerides in better shape-and for me, less animal fat versus more, does it. I have asked doctors about this and one of them told me that most people where I'm from have 0 blood type, but I have A, which is a newer blood type and possibly more acclimated to the age of agriculture. There isn't enough science done on this stuff yet but hopefully they will do more. As a health coach, I recommend real food (obviously a good place to start) and then if someone lacks energy or has any blood and lipid test results out of range, I recommend changing the type of real food to see what their body responds to best. I've even noticed that in my two kids, one will get a lot more energy than the other out of certain types of food. My son doesn't get hungry after an apple, my daughter does. My daughter doesn't get hungry after eating nuts, my son does. To me, that says something. When food satiates us and gives us energy, I think it is working efficiently for us. I'm not sure of course, and that's why I don't force on them any extreme way of eating aside from severely limiting processed crap, since that can only be good for them. If there is anything to what I'm saying, it would help make sense of the passionate vegans who feel amazing and the paleo types who may too, feel wonderful and both swear that their way of eating is the way for all.