Thus_Spake_the_Nightspirit

The right thing to do is to be absolutely clear on how you feel about her and make sure she understands you don't want that kind of relationship with her right now. To do anything else would be leading her on, which is basically lying. If you want to keep her as a friend, that's fine, but make sure she's fine with it, too, and doesn't see it as a way to keep you around in the hopes you'll change your mind about her.

I'm in the inner eastern suburbs, but I have friends down in the Bentleigh area and I go to archery down that way, so I travel there pretty often.

Thanks for all the replies. :-) I might just clarify where I was coming from when I asked. My husband and I were planning to start a family soon, until the objections of said friend caused me to reconsider. My husband and I are now in therapy. In this case, my husband is the dishonest person being referred to. At the start of our relationship, he lied to me about his age and his assets. Shortly after we married, I found out he'd hidden a huge amount of debt from me. Now, these are pretty serious lies, I guess. To my knowledge, he is not outright lying to me anymore, but during the course of therapy, I've discovered that he has kept a lot of secrets from me that I feel like he should have disclosed a lot earlier. Stuff like the actual extent of physical violence in his family and the circumstances surrounding his previous relationships and the like. He has apologised for the lies, acknowledged it was wrong, and said he must have had very low self worth at the time if he felt like he needed to lie about those things. The secrets, however, he doesn't yet seem to understand why it's important that he share those things without me having to pry it out of him in therapy or why I'm so upset that he never thought to tell me. I feel like he is making a genuine, if slow, effort to change, but my friend seems to have the attitude that because he was dishonest before, he should always be considered to be dishonest. He says it is immoral to have a child with someone who essentially tricked me into a relationship and that I myself am immoral for continuing the relationship at all. Should someone who was dishonest in the past always be treated as though they are still dishonest? How much dishonesty is too much before it becomes immoral to associate with them? How much effort to change should be considered enough effort to see that person as being good and honest?

Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell is my top favourite classic. Excluding classics, my favourite is the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.

I'm in Melbourne. I don't know of any meetups, but would be happy to attend one.

I also have a spouse who is a statist. When we met, he would agree with me superficially on politics, but the more we discuss them, the more I see how committed he is to big government. He truly believes we NEED government to do everything for us. Even if I can get him to admit logical flaws in his position, he will still maintain his position stubbornly. Reasoning with him is impossible. He's not a dumb person by any means, but he does live in fantasy land in regards to a lot of things and is definitely not comfortable being challenged on any of his beliefs. If anyone has any pointers for dealing with a person like this, I'd be grateful!

Is it immoral to "reward" a dishonest person by having kids with them? A friend of mine claims it is wrong for an honest person to procreate with a dishonest person because the dishonest person is effectively being rewarded for their dishonesty, while some honest person somewhere else gets no kids every time a dishonest person is selected as a partner. I'm not sure I agree with this, especially if the dishonest person later becomes an honest person. Would really love to hear other people's perspective.

I think there is a difference between blame and responsibility. The rapist is 100% to blame for making the choice to rape someone. There is no excuse on earth that can justify the decision to rape. However, the victim in some cases can bear partial responsibility. In your scenario, it's reasonable to assume that the woman in question could have figured out that being raped might be the consequence of her going to a shady pub, dressed like a prostitute, choosing to drink so much that she impairs her judgment and her ability to keep herself safe, and choosing to go home with a stranger. She is in no way responsible or to blame for the man's choice to rape her, but she IS responsible for her own safety and for making smart decisions. She chose to make poor decisions and as a result, becomes a victim of rape. I think the argument of whether or not women should be able to wear what they want is irrelevant. It's generally not what she is wearing, but how she chooses to behave that leads to situations like the one described. She could have been fully covered, but if she still chose to drink too much, flirt too much, go home with a stranger, etc, the outcome likely would have been the same. If a woman wants to choose to wear provocative clothing, then she should do it in the full knowledge of the effect it has on men (and let's not pretend that isn't the reason women wear clothes like that!) and take extra precautions for her own safety. OP, if your girlfriend think women have no responsibility for getting themselves into dangerous situations, that is a serious matter you should discuss. It makes me wonder what else she thinks women have no responsibility for and seems like an incredibly immature attitude to take, especially where something as important as her physical safety is concerned.

I've also been thinking a lot about friendship lately. My best friend (and arguably only real friend) was telling me today that he was listening to a Stef podcast this morning and there was an offhand comment made about how most people do not share their thoughts and feelings, so if you do do this, you're not just friends, but "intimate friends". My friend was shocked by this because he says he always wants to talk about thoughts and feelings but as he thought about all the people in his life, he realised that none of them ever ask about his thoughts or feelings, even though he always asks them. I also find myself wanting to ask people their thoughts and feelings, but I rarely do because people would get so annoyed with me for it. My husband is of the "don't need any friends, don't have time for friends" sort of guy. He finds my desire for close friendships very weird. He thinks my best friend and I talk way too much about intimate things and says that goes beyond what friendship is. Now, I don't know how seriously to take him because, as he has no friends himself, I figure what does he know about it? He's certainly no expert on it, anyway. But I do have to wonder because I find it so incredibly hard to find friends who want to be open and honest with me. I have no interest in or use for friends who just want to hang out. I don't have the time or energy for maintaining such meaningless relationships in my life, so I tend to only pursue and make time for serious friendships. But most people seem to be happy with casual friends only and I really don't understand it. So maybe I'm the one who is clueless about friendship? That said, to me, friendship means enjoying the other person's being, appreciating who they are, seeking to understand them, wanting to be there for them. It's not about what they can do for you, it's about just wanting to love someone who deserves your love and share their company because they brighten up your life. I think people who want the same as me, though, are few and far between, so I'm pretty cynical about friendship these days.

-I would have studied a lot more math and science. I found a lot of doors were closed to me later on because I did not have the skill level in those areas that I wished I did. -I would not have taken out student loans. -I would not have gone to university without a clear career plan in my head. I ended up majoring in something I can't use. While I it was interesting, it wasn't worth the financial cost. -I would have considered a trade/technical school.

I am hoping someone here can give me some insight or perspective on some problems I am having. I'll try to keep it fairly brief, as I know people hate getting bogged down in details. (Feel free to skip to the end.) Some background: I moved countries to be with my husband four years ago. I spent my first year here unable to work and sat home by myself every single day. I did not know anybody here except my husband and all my friends back home quickly forgot about me (the time difference didn't help). I was extremely lonely and isolated. During the first year of our marriage, my mother in law came into our care. She is elderly and needed constant supervision and care. Without going into detail, my husband regularly put his mother ahead of me and our marriage. (She has since gone back to her country of origin.) It put a huge strain on our relationship and it was at this point that I sought out individual counseling for myself and requested we both go to couples counseling. My husband refused to go to counseling with me until just last week. These past few years, he has been happy enough and would always dismiss my concerns. His belief has been that the problems in our marriage are actually my problems exclusively. The catalyst for his change of heart is a friend of mine. Some months ago, my best friend back home (and the only friend I still had back home who still talked to me) passed away and in the aftermath I became much closer friends with a male friend I have here. This person has been a very good friend to me and we share a lot in common. My husband took notice that this male friend and I were becoming quite close and I guess it made him realise that he and I don't really share an emotional connection these days. He is now extremely suspicious of my male friend and is blaming him for the problems in our marriage (which predate me even knowing this person). But insecurity and jealousy have now prompted him to come to counseling. Better late than never, I guess. Things have become more complicated as my friend has decided he does not like my husband at all. He thinks my husband is dishonest and fake and is encouraging me to get a divorce. This was originally said on the pretense of being concerned with my long term happiness and well being, but he has since admitted he loves me, so obviously there is an ulterior motive here, despite the fact that he is still portraying himself to be objective. Friends are extremely important to me. I rarely have more than a handful and I am extremely loyal to them. After losing my only other friend and having spent so long here with no friends at all, I would be devastated to lose this person as a friend. Aside from this one issue we have, he's an amazing person. However, he is now telling me that if I ever have a baby with my husband, he will consider me to be such an immoral person that he would no longer be able to stand any contact with me. I feel like he is giving me an ultimatum, though he is framing it as his "choice to walk away" if he wants to. He says he's happy to remain friends with me as long as I never have children with a dishonest man (because somehow that means my children will be dishonest people and will ruin the world that his non-existent kids have to live in). I'm so stressed out and emotionally exhausted I can't even think of how to argue with him or stand up for myself. I don't know how to handle this. I do love my husband, despite his flaws, and I do want to make a sincere effort to fix our relationship if possible. But I don't want to lose my only friend. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to be the one who comes out the loser in a big way. I would really appreciate any advice. Thanks in advance... (TLDR: My only friend says "if you have a baby, I'll never speak to you again".)

That may often be the case. I do think a lot of girls are extremely naive about their male friends' intentions towards them. However, I happen to be one of those females with only male friends. I would desperately love to have female friends. (I had one, but she died, so only men now.) The male friends I have are ones that I have acquired through common interests. For a long time, I was active in politics, which didn't really attract many women. The friends I have now are the guys who work on my farm. Sadly, there aren't too many modern women in their 20s and 30s who want to get their hands dirty doing hard work on a farm, although I'd love to have some there. So in my case, I take what I can get, friendship-wise. Unless a girl has other significant warning signs, I wouldn't necessarily think that a girl having only male friends is a deal breaker. The ones whose male friends are "betas circling in the water" usually have obvious personality flaws, imo.

Ah, okay. I didn't realise you'd already done the 30 weeks once already. I guess read them and reflect on them? See what else you can learn from it? Or find someone else to do them with you and discuss it? I do mine with a friend and we try to keep pace with each other so that we can discuss where we're at periodically. I find that helpful.

My understanding is that the MBTI is something of a joke. The results often cannot be replicated. The same person can take the same test twice in 30 minutes and get wildly different results. And strangely enough, 90% of people I've met who have taken the test claim to be INTJ... even though that is supposed to be the rarest type. Hmm. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/give-and-take/201309/goodbye-mbti-the-fad-won-t-die

Australia may not have "mass shootings" of schools as often as America, but the population here is about the size of California. And we definitely do have gun crime. It's almost never highly publicised, but it does get reported. It's just usually pushed to the back of the newspaper and only given a small blurb. There are gun murders in Australia, almost every day, despite the ban, and they are never committed by those of us who legally own them. Australia's lower crime rate might have something to do with the fact that until quite recently, they were not taking in hordes of immigrants of questionable backgrounds. The more racially diverse Australia becomes, the more violent crime there will be. It's not hard to see that most of this crime is clustered around the neighbourhoods with a lot of council flats where these newcomers tend to end up. The average Australian doesn't know much about crime or the realities of living in close proximity to it. Most them have never seen a real gun, let alone handled or fired one, so they are irrationally afraid of them. They love to pretend they are morally superior to Americans because of their gun ban and take every gun-related tragedy in the US as an opportunity to pat themselves on the back. I'm an American, so when people here hear my accent, a lot of times they will immediately bring up the gun issue (because asking a total stranger for their opinion on guns is great introductory conversation!) and the amount of misinformation they have is astonishing. One Aussie fellow I spoke with recently believed the 2nd amendment was put in place so the colonists could legally fight against the British. He didn't believe me when I told him the 2nd amendment wasn't yet in existence during the Revolutionary War.

You may be having a great time now, but is that really the kind of person you would be happy spending the rest of your life with? Eventually these issues do demand to be noticed and addressed. My husband and I have been together four years and he is also intelligent, attractive, and we share experiences in common. But philosophically, we are just not on the same page, much like you and your partner. We're at the point where we're considering starting a family, but I have to say, even though I love him, I have serious misgivings about raising children with him. I think seeking out therapy together is a good idea. It will (hopefully) give you some much needed information about what kind of future you'd have with her and what kind of a mother and wife she would be. If she doesn't want to go or doesn't want to be an active participant in the sessions, then I think you'll have your answer right there.

Do you mean immediately after finishing them or once you have done the full 32 weeks or whatever it is? I believe in the book, he says that some people find it helpful to do them again from the beginning. I'm sure you would end up getting different answers the second time through, so maybe that's not a bad idea. But in terms of immediately after you finish? I guess nothing, except maybe think about it a bit during the day?