S1988

@PT Bergin I'm really glad that you're turning over a new leaf before your baby arrives. There are some parents who don't change their ways until their offspring are older, and that makes change more difficult. There are also parents who don't change at all and then wonder why their adult children don't call or visit. I hope the best for you and your family.

Yes, it's just stereotyped thinking that needs to end. It's true that some leftists are atheists, but that's not always the case, like there are many people on this forum who are atheists but not leftists. And, there are some leftists who practice a religion; I come from a left-leaning Baptist family. So, there you go.

It may appear to be easier if I want to marry (the operative word being "want," with marriage being something I don't want for myself). But, marrying someone doesn't have guarantees. It could result in divorce due to him being abusive or us just not being compatible. (And divorce isn't cheap.) He could also leave me. And, even if he was a decent guy, what if he gets laid off from his job due to a company making cutbacks or a disability, and I would have to take on more work to support us both? He could also die and leave me a widow. (Or the reverse could happen: I could die and leave him a widower, and if there's a child in tow, it'd be difficult for one parent to raise a child while grieving over a deceased spouse.) Besides, I enjoy being self-sufficient, and I love the freedom that I have. Maybe being married and having a family is okay for some people, but it's not the lifestyle for me. Why give up what makes me happy for something that may be an inappropriate fit for me and may even make things worse for me?

I also would like to add my two cents as a woman who's not pregnant (and doesn't want to be, especially since I don't want to endure what CygniAustralis is going through right now). It's not feasible for me to be a mom for the following reasons: it's expensive to raise children, and I barely make enough to support myself. Also, I can't care for a child for emotional reasons because I'm still healing from the emotional scars of my less than ideal upbringing, and I don't think I can meet someone else's needs since I have unmet needs myself. CyngiAustralis' mention of how a woman can't endure pregnancy and work made me think about how crucial it is for a pregnant woman to have a strong support system. Some women are fortunate enough to have others to care for them during their rough time, but not everyone does. I sure don't. If I were to get pregnant, I would be at a major disadvantage. The only friend I have lives in another state, and my family members are too toxic for me, and they would be too toxic for my hypothetical child, too. I'm not anti-natalist, but I also don't think one should have children willy-nilly without giving it some careful thought. It's not right to coerce someone into something that may not be a good fit for them, particularly something like parenting. This could result in child abuse, abandonment, or resentful/incompetent parenting, and no child needs any of that. In a nutshell, if a woman is financially and emotionally stable and has a great support system, then there's nothing wrong with her having one or more children. But, if she doesn't have any of these qualities (like yours truly) parenting is something that's best to be avoided.

Ditto. Instead of lying to get good grades, they're better off being home-schooled.

I think about death every now and then. It's kind of intimidating to me because I don't know what it's like to not exist anymore. There are even times when I wonder if one day someone would invent a way to be immortal. (I think it'd be interesting to see what the year 3000 would be like, and I'm disappointed that I won't because I'd be long dead by then.) But, when that day comes, I hope that it's a peaceful, painless death from old age and not something horrid like an illness or accident.

You can say that again.

That's great to hear. I wish you well in your healing.

My older sister's a PhD. student, yet she never questions what Queen Mother says no matter how ridiculous or contradictory it sounds. Like she says, "Be independent," and then gets mad when I disagree with her or do something that doesn't align with her views. I don't get it. Why tell me to do something, then get mad at me for doing it? One of the reasons I can't have her in my life is that sometimes she doesn't make an ounce of sense. I'm a lowly college dropout, and I'm very adapt at noticing contradictions because I was raised with much hypocrisy and double-standards. On the other hand though, everyone does something stupid sometimes regardless of their intelligence; it's human. I have a tendency to fall for scams, but I'm becoming more diligent about that.

@Elizbaeth What if you come across the opposite scenario, like having a daughter who's plain or even has a deformity? I can relate to not being a beauty queen and my peers not letting me forget that. Even my own mother picked on me for my physical flaws. It's a wonder I don't have body dysmorphia. I guess it had to do with the fact that I focus on my inner beauty, like my intelligence and creativity. If you have a daughter (and this goes for your sons, too), you can set an example of what true beauty is rather than letting society, peers, and the media define it by appreciating inner talents and maybe honing new ones. Perhaps, you can teach them some self-defense quips in case someone says something mean about their appearance such as "Well, since you think I'm ugly, don't look at me. Simple." or "I don't like you either, so I guess the feeling's mutual." (I never said these myself, but they're handy to have, and it'll be interesting to see how one reacts.)

Yeah, I'm surprised you still keep in contact with your family considering how they treated you. (I read your story in another thread.) If you want to do that, I guess that's your choice; I can't be around my family, and they're somewhat tame compared to yours, but they're toxic enough. I don't have children since I want to dedicate my life to "parenting" myself. The good thing about that is at least I don't have kids for them to prey on. It's bad enough when they play their games with me, though I barely hear from them, thank goodness. I like what you're doing; all parents should put their kids first.

Craigslist is one site you can search. That's where I got some of my freelancing jobs. But, you have to be careful since it also has scams. Other freelancing/work from home sites you can search are Upwork and Rat Race Rebellion.

Have you thought of freelancing from home? That way, you wouldn't be limited to your territory. You can be a remote programmer.

What about loneliness felt even when not alone? One can be surrounded by others and still feel lonely, and to me, that's the worst type of loneliness. I should know because I've been there and don't want to go back.

I don't have statistical evidence, but I'm a loner, and I'm still here even though I been demonized for my loner lifestyle for most of my life like it was a disease or something.

I guess it depends on the child. I was raised by a totalitarian/abusive parent, and I didn't adopt a hedonistic lifestyle, basically because as an avid reader, I educated myself on the effects of drugs, and the facts scared me too much to even want to try them. While I wasn't a saint (no one is), I'm glad to say that I never did anything egregious in my life. Seriously, the worst thing I did in school was stay after for detention for being late. I've never been suspended, and I've never got involved in a bad crowd, and even with my borderline goody-two-shoes record, my mother (among other people) still found something to nitpick me for. I wasn't "pretty" enough, I'm "evil" for struggling with certain school subjects, I'm "too quiet," which was like the worst "sin" of all. Well, one of the reasons why I did keep to myself was that many of the kids were jerks and degenerates, and I didn't want to associate with those who were bullies and/or bad influences. But, instead of being praised for being basically a good kid, I was demonized for not being social enough. A teacher once asked me to stay after school to discuss my quiet behavior, and my mother got mad at me more than the bullies, especially when I struggled with standing up to them. (No duh, you can't scold a child for showing anger, then wonder why they have a hard time standing up for themselves.) She even forced me to go to prom when I didn't care to go (it was okay, by the way, but I don't think it would've made any difference that I didn't go), then she accused me of dating the guy she set me up with. (Which wasn't true, and she never apologized for it.) I think my less-than-social lifestyle protected me (and still protects me) from a lot of bad things. But, no. Instead of praising me for staying out of trouble, many adults managed to condemn peccadilloes/non-issues while others got away with worse. Maybe I am a rebel in a sense because years later, I finally got the courage to stand up to Queen Mother, something my sycophantic older siblings would probably never do. (She's a bigger bully than the ones I went to school with because at least they didn't hurt me, then pass it off as love. At least, they were honest about disliking me.) I find it sad that even though they're grown up, they allow her to control their lives, and the oldest sibling has family of his own! If that's not pathetic, I don't know what is. Sorry for the off-topic rant. I just wanted to offer a point of view to show that not all people raised in punitive environments become hedonistic. Some of us are demonized even if we have a virtually clean record.

@Siegfried von Walheim It varies from city to city, just like all regions in the world. I don't know my neighbor's name since I'm not very social, but maybe there are other neighborhoods that know their neighbors' names.

Are you open to seeing a therapist to talk about this?

You're welcome.

Here are some books I recommend: Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Ginott's students Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

No, I don't know anything else about it.

How do you feel about a Cesarean used in an emergency situation? That was the only way my older sister could be born. I was told that when she was a baby, she was tangled in our mother's umbilical cord, and if the Cesarean wasn't carried out, she probably wouldn't be here today.

Is there public transportation where you live? Perhaps, she can utilize that instead of always depending on you. After all, you're her boyfriend, not her parent. And, if she refuses to take the bus (assuming there is one nearby), let her suffer the consequences of her actions. She an adult and should act and be treated like one. Maybe you two can also get couples counseling to try to fix things between you two.

I'm referring to beauty in general. I'm not sure why you say beauty isn't subjective. For example, some people think that obesity is unattractive while others, like some cultures in some African countries, actually encourage this with fattening huts. Girls are put in these huts to be fed a lot until they're fat enough for their potential husbands since skinniness is considered unattractive. (There are people who are protesting this practice, though, and with good reason.) It's superficial because one's pulchritude doesn't say how intelligent or how moral someone is. Someone can look like a supermodel and be very evil while another can have spectacles and braces and be one of the sweetest people on earth. I remember during my school days when I would walk down the halls and would just laugh at me and treat me like a circus sideshow just because I didn't meet the shallow standards of beauty, and I still have some insecurities from that today. Even my own mother put me down and mocked me for valuing inner beauty, and focusing on my inner beauty was something I had to learn on my own. Besides, pulchritude is ephemeral. Not only one could lose it with age, one could also lose it through an accident that results in disfigurement, so emphasizing it is rather pointless. It's sad that there isn't enough focus on inner beauty. Even kids as young as five are concerned about their looks. Kids that young shouldn't worry about attractiveness; they should just focus on being kids. It was bad enough when I was concerned about my appearance starting when I was 10/11 because people were picking on me.

Why ask the question in the first place? Not only it's subjective, it's superficial.