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S1988

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Everything posted by S1988

  1. S1988
    I have to admit, I'm not a literal hermit, just sort of one. (I did say semi-hermit.) I don't live in the mountains or the middle of nowhere; I actually live in a twin city area in an apartment, and I go out two to three times a week on average. I work from home, and I like to read, write, take naps, and hang with my cat. I'm rather flattered that you wanted to know a bit about how I live because I so used to people judging me; it's a breath of fresh air. I guess it's because it takes a fellow loner to understand that.
  2. S1988
    One shouldn't have kids because they fear being alone. Parents should support children, not the other way around. If they fear loneliness, they should seek out another adult, not use children as companion substitutes. (I've been there; having a parent lean on you is anything but fun.) Besides, me not having a family doesn't hurt anyone. There are already too many people who have children who shouldn't be, my parents included sadly, and I don't want to continue that cycle. Anyways, I don't feel lonely; I'm pretty much a natural loner. My problem is people who can't seem to understand that and try to fix something that doesn't need fixing, something I've been going through since childhood. If they're bothered by my loner lifestyle, they should seek out people like them, not try to change me. You say cat lady like it's a bad thing. Besides, I don't overdo it. One cat's enough.
  3. S1988
    Yes, you are. I don't think I want a family even when I do learn how to self-parent. As a matter of fact, I think self-parenting may be a lifelong journey for me. There's nothing inside of me that yearns for a family, and I'm okay with that. I guess it's because I like being responsible for myself rather than having to be responsible for other people.
  4. S1988
    @Elizbaeth The three points you made are a bit too clear-cut for me. I don't desire a family, but it's not because I hate men and kids; it's just not appropriate for me. (A semi-hermit loner lifestyle and a family doesn't mix.) It's also because I'm still dealing with problems as a result of my background, and I feel that I should just focus on being my own parent. After all, sometimes it's better for one to not have kids than to bring them into the world and not be able to raise them properly.
  5. S1988
    Perhaps you can focus on something that's not related to pulchritude, like a talent such as singing, dancing, giving good advice, etc. Pulchritude doesn't define intelligence or how you are as a human being. Take it from a Plain Jane oddball like myself who's going to hit the big 3-0 next month (and who can pass as a child, which is embarrassing sometimes). From fifth grade to my senior year in high school, kids picked on me for my eccentric behavior and lack of physical beauty, things that even my mother picked on me for. It was tough, and there was no one around who could really help, but for some reason, I was able to find and value my inner beauty. (Which is something my mother can't take credit for, but since she's so vain, I don't think she wants to, but that's fine with me.) I'm intelligent, independent, and creative. Years later, I was blessed with a friend who likes me for me and doesn't see as a walking laughingstock or as a problem to fix. In other words, you can't let society define beauty for you; you have to create your own version of beauty. While it's hard to be different sometimes, I like being me. If I tried to be something I'm not, then I'll feel phony. As someone who's on the "lowly" spectrum, I don't have much to lose since I don't have many obligations. (I keep to myself a lot.) By focusing on your inner talents, you're setting a good example for your kids because they may face pressure from others to do something they may not want to do, and they have to learn not to give in.
  6. S1988
    I'm not sure if you know this but in Illinois, (I happen to be an Illinoisan myself.) you can legally drop out at age 17. Therefore, you can leave school a year early.
  7. S1988
    Perhaps you can have a talk with your parents and see if they can homeschool you or set you up with a private tutor. Are those viable options in your situation?
  8. S1988
    Yes.
  9. S1988
    If I were in a bind of some sort and I wanted assistance, I prefer it from someone with pure intentions, not someone with an ulterior motive, which is a hallmark of so-called allies/friends. I guess the only exception in this situation would be if I just met someone because I wouldn't know their true colors until much later.
  10. S1988
    I guess my response was more towards being fed up with being pushed around most of my life, mainly by those who claim to care about me but act otherwise and then wonder why I don't call or visit. Like I said earlier, I spend a lot of time alone; therefore, I do a lot for myself, and I find unsolicited help a real nuisance, especially from "allies" who want to stick their noses in my life and attempt to "fix" things that don't need fixing.
  11. S1988
    Well, it was all I knew. After all, I was just a kid then, and I didn't have much of a choice. Unlike your sister, I didn't do it to get attention; I did it because I was afraid. It made me a difficult patient during doctor/dentist visits because I knew what was coming. Er, no thanks.
  12. S1988
    I don't think it's fair to paint all women with the same brush. I'm a woman, and one of my pet peeves is being told what to do because I can't stand coercion since it's been done to me most of my life. Even as a little kid, I would scream and cry my eyes out when I was forced into something. When I was a bit older, I would react with anger when told to do something I didn't want to do, and it'd get me in trouble. For years, I struggled with assertiveness because I feared being punished for my "bad attitude," but I eventually learned that if I continued to worry about being "mean," then I'll be pushed around for the rest of my life. Cutting out my family was the first step to standing up for myself because they only wanted me to be a tool for Queen Mother's unfulfilled dreams, and I believe people should be responsible for their own happiness, not live vicariously through someone else. I also spend lots of time alone since being a loner gives me the freedom to be myself. I'm very choosy about who I want to be friends with because apparently I have a knack for attracting pushy/toxic people. (I guess it's because of my quiet nature, and others used it to take advantage of me.) After all, friendship should be voluntary, not mandatory. Because I don't like being forced into things, I'm hard to get to know (and to get along with sometimes). Every now and then, I face people who want to "save" me from my less-than-social lifestyle, and I find this aggravating because I don't want to be saved from something I don't need saving from. If they take umbrage to the fact that I'm quiet and aloof, then that's too bad. No one's my master, and I'm no one's underling.
  13. S1988
    I have some recommendations as well. Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, who were students of Ginott Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen
  14. S1988
    I should have clarified my statement. I think this has been going since he was a kid, and as a result he's so enmeshed now. I don't know too much about his childhood because he's 18 years older than I am, but with the information I do have it was anything but healthy. And you're right. Since he's grown up now, he can stop, but he doesn't want to, and that's his problem, not mine.
  15. S1988
    You make an excellent point. Incest is a result of dysfunction because I don't know of any families in their right minds who would want to engage in something like this. There is something called covert incest, a situation that involves a parent who turns to their child for support and reassurance, like a substitute spouse. While it's not illegal, it's a damaging, sick relationship that's common in dysfunctional families. I think this is going on with my mother and my older siblings. My brother, the oldest, is a married middle-aged father of three teenagers, and he's quite enmeshed with her. I wonder if it'd be the same with my sister if she decides to have children. When it comes to this, I'm glad I'm not the favorite.
  16. S1988
    When you said that dysfunction was irreversible for adopted children over five, I've gotten the impression, too, that you implied that those type of children were doomed for lifelong failure. That's why I went on a slight tangent how I didn't keel over in spite of coming from a dysfunctional background. Can you please elaborate your point? Perhaps I'm missing something.
  17. S1988
    They may use Legacy.com, and one doesn't need social media for that.
  18. S1988
    I don't think I can reverse the damage, but there are others who possibly can. Besides, there are couples who want children but can't because of infertility issues. Who knows? Maybe the said couple can do a better job than a dysfunctional biological parent. There are times that I wish I was put up for adoption, provided that they didn't mind my quiet, somewhat eccentric behavior. Maybe with an adoptive family, I could've been more comfortable with myself instead feeling like something was wrong thanks to my biological family. However, that doesn't mean that one is totally powerless as a result of a dysfunctional background. Even though I had (and still have) to do it on my own, I've learned to overcome some of my insecurities by being assertive and by learning how to value myself even though I'm not part of the "norm." One of the things I did was to cut off my family, and I became a stronger person as a result. I know that hurting others or myself won't solve my problems. My life's not perfect, but I'll say things are better for me now than they were in the past. And what about kids who didn't come from a dysfunctional background, like those who had healthy, nurturing parents, but lost them in a tragic accident? What's your viewpoint on kids adopted by other family members? Even though they're not their parents, they do share some genes.
  19. S1988
    But, someone has to take care of them. After all, they're up for adoption either because their parents made irresponsible decisions, and therefore, are unfit to care for them or the parents are deceased. Those kind of children can't raise themselves.
  20. S1988
    Also, you imply that being married with children is all good and that being single with no children is all bad. It's not that black and white. Having a family isn't for everyone, and that's okay. There are many risks and responsibilities involved with having a family, so it's not something to be taken lightly. You can read more about my view here when I had a discussion with someone whose viewpoint kind of aligns with yours.
  21. S1988
    As someone who likes to keep to herself a lot, I can totally relate, and I couldn't have said it better. I've been told most of my life how being a loner was somehow harmful to me, as if they know what's best for me better than I do. It's so annoying, rude, and condescending. Yes, it is refreshing to see that choosing to be alone most of the time isn't something that should be cured. More introverts/loners need to hear this.
  22. S1988
    You're also teaching your kids that it's okay to have hurtful people in their lives. I know that's not your intention, but it's the end result that matters in this situation, not the intent. Exposing them to your parents may have them end up in abusive relationships (romantic or platonic) in their adult lives. Or, it could drive them to estrange from you one day.
  23. S1988
    What about your wife's parents?
  24. S1988
    What about those who threaten their victims to not tell anyone what they done to them or else? They have what I call a public personality and a private personality. To the public, they appear as a saint, but they only show their true colors in private, to the ones closest to them. If they weren't aware of their evil, why would they go through such great lengths to hide it? Because they know what they do is wrong, and they don't want to be exposed. I should know because I grew up with someone like this. Even now, acquaintances think she's a great person, but I know that's far from the truth. Thank goodness that I no longer have to keep secrets for phonies.
  25. S1988
    I think I see what you mean. Thanks for clarifying.
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