S1988

That's wonderful to hear. Your potential children are better off with no grandparents (and no uncle) than toxic ones. However, your families may not let you go that easily. Have you heard of the word "hoovering?" (I'm surprised that word isn't mentioned on this forum more often. I assume it's because either people here haven't had a problem with it or they're not familiar with the term.) Hoovering is a tactic abusers use to get their victims to return to them. Read more about it here: https://web.archive.org/web/20111219141505/http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/when-toxic-people-start-hoovering

True, true. It's also like people with Down Syndrome and other disabilities who compete in the Special Olympics and win medals. That's true, too. My IQ is between 120-130, but I have a bad habit of procrastinating, and I sometimes have a hard time following directions and paying attention because my mind wanders a lot.

In your ideal world, how do you plan to deal with those with mental retardation?

People with Down Syndrome or autism.

Even those with disabilities?

Interesting! I have an aunt in Minnesota. I was never very close to her since I didn't see her much, but the trip to her home was quite memorable because that's where I visited the Mall of America. That was 20 years ago, and I hope to visit it again one day.

You say that you're technically-minded and want to apply your skills to something that'll ameliorate the future. Maybe you can create a website with a blog that showcases your thoughts and ideas. You can put affiliate links on it for people to click on and buy something, and you get a commission. Lots of people do this, and as a result, there's a lot of competition. However, if this idea interests you, you can consider it.

You're not old at all. You're still young; just a couple of years older than I am. What a coincidence that you live in Illinois. I'm an Illinoisan, too, but I don't live in Chicagoland even though I was born there. Welcome to the forum, and it's great to hear that you and your wife are going to be parents.

I wonder if your fiancée thinks the way she does (I'm not claiming to be a mind reader; this is just a theory.) because she has the belief that having kids would change them or that family is important no matter how toxic they are. If she does think that way, that's a very dangerous mindset to have because they won't automatically change just because a new life is born, and it's important to protect your potential children from toxic people, family or not. Rachelle is right that they are more likely to hurt their future grandchildren, but there's another possibility that's just as harmful. They may shower them with kindness, but as a way to turn them against you. I've read horror stories on the Internet about how grandchildren were groomed by their grandparents to hate their parents. Spoiling kids while telling them that you and your fiancee are the bad guys is a form of abuse, too.

Are you a widower?

Then it sounds like you're an ambivert, a less common word that means possessing extroverted and introverted qualities. The word is so rare that even I forget about it sometimes.

There are plenty of them? Really? In my experience, a lot of jobs require one to a people person. I assume it's easier if you live in a big city, which is where I don't live. Sorry for going a bit on a tangent, but as someone who likes being alone a lot, this statement intrigues me.

Just a minor correction. If you're alone a lot and not happy about it, then you're not an introvert. Introverts are energized by spending lots of time by themselves and couldn't care less about having lots of friends. I should know because I'm one myself. Being around people a lot drains me, and I enjoy having lots of time to myself. You were probably extroverted all along because extroverts are drained by being alone a lot and are energized when around others.

Perhaps it's due to her "good sides", i.e., providing food and a roof over our heads in spite of being a low-income single mother, taking us to fun places, etc. However, when I examine her through open eyes, I don't really see much that's admirable about her. I remember constantly being told how lucky my siblings and I are to have a family like ours by comparing us to "worse families". But, why the constant reminders about how great our family is and why be obsessed with what "other families" were doing? True healthy families focus on themselves and don't make a fanfare about how wonderful they are. She seems so pathetic and phony, like how she refused to protect her son from his father when he was a kid. I wasn't around during his childhood, but I can tell that she spent lots of time leaning on him and brainwashing him, which is why they're so enmeshed today. Like my brother, she and my sister still talk to our father even though they despise him, something that I'll never fathom. Another reason why my siblings practically worship her is because she encouraged them to pursue fields she never was able to accomplish. That's the downside to being "golden"; there's so much expected from you since you're the "good one". Sometimes, I wonder if they secretly wish that they didn't have to be her saviors. I can't say since I'm not a mind reader. I somewhat feel sorry for them, but at the same time I don't because they can stop anytime they want. Unfortunately, they seem to be too apprehensive to question her and continue to live out her wishes.

I'm quite dubious about him being jealous of me. I think his anger stems more from the fact that I dare to criticize our mother because he and my older sister are her favorites.

And why would the bomber target England, particularly at a non-political event, if the speech took place in Saudi Arabia? That doesn't make sense.

I don't know too much about my brother's childhood because he's about 18 years older than I am, but with the information I do have about him, I learned it was severely abusive, particularly under the hands of our father. My brother hates him, but continues to interact with him and even used it as an excuse to hit his sons. (He said the way he treated his sons wasn't so bad because he had it worse. Talk about hypocrisy.) About my sister: I don't recall her being hit a lot. Perhaps during the times she was hit, I was too young to remember or wasn't born yet. (She's three years older than I am.) To me, she seemed like the "good one" since she was very loyal to our mother and still is today. Me: I was hit every now and then, usually over petty infractions or when I was used as a human stress reliever for our mother.

I'm unsure if lying and theft are the same thing since lying involves saying something that isn't true while theft is taking something that isn't yours and refusing to give it back. However, one can utilize both vices in conjunction by stealing and then lying about it.

It's how I communicate from time to time. Besides, I like expanding my vocabulary and have always been a logophile since childhood. I would read dictionaries and encyclopedias with no adult influence. (Of course, I never gotten much appreciation for it because my quiet, weird behavior and other "peccadilloes" were seen as problems that needed to be squashed out of me.) Anyway, I guess I should get used to being judged for my eccentric behavior because that's what I went through for most of my life anyway. Nevertheless, I'm not going to change who I am just because someone thinks it's odd. Back on topic: Funny thing is that my brother's a nurse, and I know he's not allow to hit patients, and my sister is a Ph.D. student who works in the sciences, yet they're both pro-spankers. I'm not sure how my nephews feel about the spanking issue or about me. My oldest is 19, and his younger brothers aren't far from adulthood. Perhaps they may see me as some negligent aunt or something, but I know if I attempt to reach out to them, their parents, grandmother and other aunt would know because they're so enmeshed. I guess all I can do is hope that my estrangement would prompt them to not hit their kids if they decide to become parents.

I think it pretty much depends on the individual, even with the nice approach. I confronted my family about the dangers of spanking by showing them Internet articles and expressing my concerns, and all I've gotten was flak. My brother vituperated me about how I condemned his treatment of his sons, and he has yet to apologize for it. (And that was nearly eight years ago.) My mother and sister trivialized his actions, and I haven't had a relationship with them for the past couple of years. Of course, they acknowledge me on my birthday, but ignore me the rest of the year.

Do you have any other relatives you can reach out to, like siblings, cousins, aunts, or uncles?

Do you have any friends from your K-12 days? Perhaps you can re-establish any lost connections, and it's easier to do that these days thanks to social media.

Maybe you can start small, like getting a pen pal. It's not the same as in-person friendships, but it's something. Sometimes, you can find friends in the most unexpected places. My first (and only pen pal so far) was in prison, and I got more support from him during the year I was conversing with him than from people who were around during most of my life. He was released from jail over a year ago, so I don't speak to him anymore, but I'll never forget our friendship. What do you think about that?

I'm not sure if it's possible to live a completely vice-free life. Only a complete saint can do that, and I don't know of anyone who's a complete saint. We're all human after all; we're not super beings. The best way in my view to go about living a virtuous life is to do the best we can, but not beat ourselves up for not being perfect. It's okay to have a few vices such as eating ice cream for breakfast or not brushing your teeth before going to bed on some nights. It's even okay to be "mean" sometimes, such as saying "no" if you don't feel like doing someone a favor. In other words, balance is the key. One shouldn't be a bona fide troublemaker. On the other hand, one shouldn't be a self-righteous goody-two-shoes or a pushover either.

The above posters are right. Besides, "success" is an subjective term; define and create your own success, not go with how society defines it.