S1988

As a black person, I find what you went through was very demeaning. Besides, I want to be respected for my own merits; I don't want to demand respect from anyone or be pandered to. What they preached is insulting to people of all races. I once got some flak from SJWs who took umbrage to the fact that I want to be treated as an individual, not as a component of a "victim" group. You should find another church that's not focused on this ridiculous and offensive ideology.

I would say that the approach is very irrational. While we can't choose our parents, our parents did choose to have us, and with choices come responsibilities. Why should offspring feel obligated to be with people who they never chose to be born to, especially if they were abusive or negligent? It's funny that your girlfriend's father suddenly wants to be in her life now. Where was he before when she needed him? Plus, as an adult, she doesn't have to be with him if she doesn't want to. After all, all adult relationships, even among relatives, are voluntary (and should be). However, I do believe in forgiveness of parents if they're truly repentant. His actions may be forgivable if his explanation and apology are sincere, and he's not just making excuses or has an ulterior motive. But, it's up to her to forgive (or not forgive) him since forgiveness is a personal choice, and it's even permissible for her to still not want to be with him if she chooses. I'm not sure which therapist to recommend. Perhaps you can search online.

I guess it depends on the mom. Though, in my experience as a child of a single working mother, I didn't have fond memories of it. She would come home and vent to my sister and I about her horrible days at work and pushed us to finish college so we wouldn't end up like her. (Of course, my sister accomplished Queen Mother's goal and is now a PhD student. I didn't, and apparently that makes me the scourge of the family. I'm a remote freelancer, which is something they don't know about since we're estranged.) I'm just one person, though. My mother would've probably been happier if she had a job she liked even though I'm not sure why she didn't bother to change jobs. What engenders happiness (or misery) varies from person to person.

That's great. Congratulations!

@Siegfried von Walheim Since you're planning to have a family, I have one question to ask. What if your kids wanted to adopt a puppy? Because you have a fear of dogs, that'd create a conflict of interest. Perhaps before you have children, you can get some type of therapy to overcome your fear. Or if you never overcome your fear (and some fears are never conquered, which is okay because there are some things some people will always be afraid of regardless) you'd have to choose between risking disappointing your kids or tolerating the puppy. When I was a kid, my sister and I adopted an alley cat, then got another cat two years later from a pet shop. Years later, I learned that our mother never liked cats, but tolerated them because of us. (I guess this is part of the few "good" sides she had since we no longer have a relationship.)

What, no mention of life in prison, which is what some criminals are doing already, like Josef Fritzl? I agree with this option, too, because some people are just too incorrigible and too dangerous to be around peaceful citizens. I doubt that a guy like Fritzl would suddenly have a change of heart after imprisoning and torturing his daughter for 24 years. In a sense, life in prison is harsher than the death penalty because while a prisoner's life isn't threatened, they have to deal with the fact that they'd spend the rest of their lives with no freedom since the death penalty is an easy way out. It's not just punishing them; it's protecting others from their evil. Slightly off-topic: I've been in a similar situation with people who are not criminals, but are toxic in other ways. I've given them chances, but they took advantage of my kindness. I realized that the only way to put a stop to their behavior was to distance myself from them. Their "punishment" is not having me in their lives again, though it's more about self-protection than revenge.

I don't like what they did, and I'm American. That type of behavior is something one would expect from a country like North Korea, not England. About family: true, criticizing blood members is difficult, but if one doesn't do that, they'd be taken advantage of by them for years. In my situation, I had to go beyond criticizing them; I had to cut them out because I got fed up with their hypocrisy and double-standards while claiming to love me.

Speaking of therapists, there is one therapist I know of that may be of some help. His name is Drew Davis, and you can find him on this forum. I never had any sessions with him, but he seems like a reputable guy.

@Siegfried von Walheim I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're almost 20; you're not approaching middle age. You're still very young, so you have plenty of time to accomplish your goals, and even if you don't accomplish all of them, it's not the end of the world because no one can do everything they want. And even if it does take a long time to do something, it doesn't make it a bad thing. If you're familiar with Laura Ingalls Wilder, she didn't become a famous author until she was in her 60s. And on a slightly embarrassing note, I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was 17 because I had (and still have) a fear of driving, and I did poorly in my driver's ed classes. Also, it took me six years to be able to work from home, which is something I almost gave up, but I kept at it because I was tired of working in brick and mortar. About talents/hobbies: Perhaps you can explore something outside of writing. Maybe you can volunteer at your local animal shelter or learn how to draw. Or anything else I haven't listed. You can also talk to someone you trust about this since I can only offer so much advice.

I'm not sure where to find this information, but should we focus on teachers only? What about other staff officials, like assistant coaches? I mention that because eight years ago in my town, a female assistant coach at the local high school molested a teenager and is now a registered sex offender. And here's the kicker: she was a classmate of mine who used to pick on me.

What about the locus of control theory, e.g. inner locus of control=you believe you have control over most of your life vs. outer locus of control=you believe you're a victim of fate? I'm an advocate for inner locus of control (free will) because while I can't control everything that happens to me, I can control some things. I would say many things in my current life are the result of choices I made, particularly because I got fed up with a situation and took charge to change it instead of letting others decide for me. A pet peeve of mine is when some people complain about something but don't do anything about it because they feel they're powerless victims, or worse, expect me to be their savior.

Neeeel may be right that there could be some jealousy going on. Positive Discipline expert Jane Nelsen uses the term "dethroned" to describe how an older child is feeling, meaning that your son thinks that his younger brother took his place as your special child. Though I'm not a parent myself, I read a bit about Nelsen's ideas mainly because I was relieved that there were better ways to raise a child, especially compared to how I was raised. Perhaps you can purchase Positive Discipline the First Three Years to learn more since your sons are in that age group.

I think you make an excellent point. Tragedies like this may motivate more parents to consider homeschooling.

Perhaps you can tap into your creative side and invent your own holiday. Who says you have to limit yourself to conventional ones? For example, you can create a holiday called [insert your surname here] Day and have the day focus on anything significant to you and your family.

How about a weekly family night? When I was a kid, my mother, sister, and I would go out every Tuesday night to a restaurant. It was short-lived, though, because my mother could no longer afford to do it. Hopefully, if you go with this option, it'd last for many years. It doesn't have to be on Tuesdays. Pick any day of the week you wish. You can go out to a restaurant or prepare a special meal, then watch a movie or play a game.

Maybe he changed his mind about it, and there's nothing wrong with that. There was a time when I was into the saxophone, but I gradually lost interest in that. People change their minds about a lot of things throughout their lives. Haven't you? Most people aren't the same way their whole lives.

I guess it depends on the obligation. Maybe. While they were people who tried to change me just to take advantage of me, I think others like my freshman math teacher meant well, but were misguided. There's nothing good or bad about having lots of companions or keeping to oneself; they're just different. I have no desire to be a parent; I think I'm better off being my own parent. Sometimes, it's better for one to not be a parent than to have a child and not be able to raise them well. I'm not against having children in general, but I'm against having them for the wrong reasons such as wanting someone to love or having kids so that they can carry out one's unaccomplished dreams. Besides, my problems, finances, and lifestyle make it inappropriate for me to have kids. I do have one friend, but she lives in a different state, and we keep in touch by email. Occasionally, I do visit her. That's fine with me because I don't need hundreds of friends to be content.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that I'm miserable. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure why many people (who are usually non-loners themselves) think that loner=misery. My problem isn't my loner lifestyle itself; it's when people stick their noses into my lifestyle in attempt to "fix" me. I've got a lot of flak from people for that since childhood. I was once made to stay after school during my freshman year in high school to discuss my quiet, less-than-social behavior, as if that was a major problem or something. Miserable? Hardly. As a loner, I can do what I want when I want since I have few obligations. The idea of living with someone or having several friends is actually more of a burden than a blessing to me. That's a hallmark of many abusers in general, not just female ones. It's why most of them don't change because they rather blame the ones they hurt than hold themselves accountable for their actions.

No way would I want to be someone's property. That's why I'm a loner so that I can retain my freedom. I've spent most of my life being pushed around by people, particularly "loved ones," and I fought hard to escape. If I wanted to live like I'm owned by someone, then I'd return to Queen Mother and her minions my older siblings, which is something I don't want to do. If that offends so people, well that's too bad. It's funny how the biggest control freaks are the ones who wouldn't want to be treated in such a way themselves, yet have no qualms about dominating others. Why should I care about their feelings when they don't care about mine?

The only solution I can come up with is Googling him and get his email that way.

Well, it's true that most of us judge others. I do, too, but I'm quieter about it since I adhere to a live-and-let-live philosophy. What I was talking about was people who are overtly judgmental to the point that they stick their noses in my life and try to tell me how to live because it's not "normal," something I had to deal with most of my life. And, the interesting thing is that they wouldn't want to be treated in such a way, but I guess since I'm a quiet person, I'm "supposed" to take anything people dish at me. After all, I don't go to a group of people in public and tell them not to be so social. Why should I adopt an extrovert's way of living? I'm not hurting anyone. If that's not a double standard, I don't know what is. I was treated this way by family members, school staff, and even people who barely know me. Makes me wonder since I'm so boring and quiet, why do they want to be around me in the first place? If you're going to look down on me, at least do it with integrity.

I write stories, acrostics, commentary, and how-to/advice.

No, not at all.

Commentary and how-to/advice

Somewhat, but I just do it as a hobby. I also write some nonfiction and poetry.