S1988

I can be unsympathetic at times, even when I'm not trying. There were times when I unintentionally said hurtful things and got attacked for them. I also find other people's venting irritating sometimes. I think it's due to the fact that I'm on the schizoid spectrum and that I grew up with a Three Faces of Eve-type mother who used me as an involuntary unpaid therapist when I wasn't her kicked puppy. I tend to practice analysis paralysis because some people's actions put my brain in a tailspin, and I attempt to figure out why they do what they do, and if I don't get a concrete answer, I conjure my own theories about them. I have a hard time following directions since my mind wanders a lot. I tend to spend lots of time daydreaming or analyzing something. Procrastination is a flaw of mine as well, especially with chores. But, since I live alone, I can get away with it.

I think a disguise is kind of a lie because even if the celebrity isn't dressed like a specific person, he's still hiding his true identity, nonetheless, but for non-iniquitous reasons, of course. About the P.O. Box: It's a long story that's more appropriate for another thread since it's irrelevant to this one.

Well, here's one scenario: a celebrity wears a disguise when going out to eat because they want a break from crazed fans and tabloid reporters. It's not a verbal lie, but it's still lying anyway. Here's another one, a real one: My mother has my P.O. Box number that implies I live in one town even though I live in another. (It's a twin city area.) I know that she and her henchmen (my older siblings) look down on me because of what I stand for, but they have some strange obsession with me at the same time. I'm protecting my privacy through something that's not true because if they had my physical address, (especial my mother, who lives in the same town as I do) they'd think they can just come over anytime they want. It's bad enough they play the occasional hoovering game with me via email; I don't want them physically stalking me.

Rventurelli, if those people are treating their parents badly, then that means there must have been some dysfunction going on. I'm not saying this to excuse them, but disrespectful offspring don't come from healthy families. Maybe there was something that wasn't acknowledged when they were younger, and they're getting revenge. I know if I did something to cause anger in my hypothetical children, I'd do what it takes to get to the bottom of the problem rather than disregarding it. If you're planning to be a good father, you have to take some responsibility for how they turn out: both the good and the bad parts. After all, no one asks to exist. I don't mean this as an attack, but it comes off as hypocritical to condemn your parents, then attack your children for criticizing you. I bet many people on this forum heard the "I've sacrificed everything for you, and all you do is whine, whine, whine!" line from their parents (including you), and it's not good to think that you would parent better, and then not be much different than how you were raised.

You're right. I forgot to mention that. I guess, basically, people should do what's best for them. If there are people from dysfunctional families who feel they can do better than their parents, then I highly salute them. However, there are those such as yours truly who have factors in their lives that make it impossible to be a good parent, and it's better that I realize this now than when it's too late to not have a child.

I felt my response was somewhat related because it highlighted how people who used me expected me to be honest with them, but they didn't practice honesty themselves. But, I'll try to keep myself from going on tangents from now on. Back on topic: I don't think lying itself is wrong; I think it should be judged on the context where it's used. For example, lying is bad if it's done to shirk responsibility, or worse, blame someone else for the wrong you committed. Even more worse, lying can be a dangerous tool if it's used to tarnish someone's reputation such as through rumor-spreading or libel. Here's how lying can be beneficial: to protect someone's privacy* (or your own) or to save someone's life All in all, balance is the key. *There is an exception to this rule, though. Many abusers want their victims to not tell what's going on behind closed doors so they can continue the abuse in secret. This is a case where protecting someone's privacy is not a good thing.

Oh, yeah. I guess I went a bit off-topic during my mini rant. But, everything else I said was on-target, though.

Well, while kids (hopefully) won't have to worry about lying to save themselves from a life/death situation, it could protect them from situations where they could be harmed in other ways. What if they were in scenarios where they're hounded by nosy questions or people who want to take advantage of them? For example, there were times when people asked me to do them a favor, and I would carry it out. Gradually, it arrived to a point where they expected me to be at their beck and call and wouldn't leave me alone. Now, if someone asks me for a favor, I respond by saying that I can't help them, even if I could. It may sound mean, but I never want to be in a situation where someone acts like they own me again, and if that sounds mean, then I don't want to be nice. Other times, I don't find myself lying as much, but I do commit the sin of omission by telling someone something's none of their business or I don't want to discuss it. I find it a real pet peeve when someone wants to pummel me with nosy questions while revealing little about themselves. Also, what if someone asks about something you rather not reveal to the public? Everyone has a right to privacy, and there are a lot of things about me that I don't want to tell Joe Q. Public just because they ask. It could probably be held against me for years. In my case, I seem to be a toxic person magnet, so I have little choice but to come up with my own defenses so others won't take advantage of me, even if it means being untruthful sometimes. I even pretend I'm not home if someone knocks on my door, and I'm not expecting them. Lying, or at least not telling the truth, can be a powerful defense mechanism. On the other hand, being truthful all the time can be hurtful. Like, if you saw someone you considered hideous, it'll be mean to point it out even if it were true. Or, if you were eating something you hated and said, "This is the worst thing I've ever tasted!" That'll be hurtful towards the cook in spite of being the truth. Just my two cents.

Perhaps you can look for another job while temporarily holding on to your current one. Have you considered remote freelancing? Working from home is becoming more of the norm these days, and as a self-employed person, you'll less likely be hit with such propaganda.

Oh, alright. Thanks for explaining your view. That makes a lot of sense.

Why not? It's important for children to learn how to pick up after themselves because no one's going to clean up after them all of their lives, unless they grow up to be rich and hire servants to do their chores for them. The way I was raised about chores wasn't ideal. When I had chores to do, I would rather play, read, or watch TV than do chores. That always got me a scolding or punishment, and I was called "lazy," which had (and has) some truth in it. Even now, I do my chores, but I procrastinate on them. Of course, I can get away with this because this time, there's no one around to breathe down my neck about cleaning up on a certain schedule. That's why I can't live with anyone since they may find my habits annoying. Even though I'm a bit lazy about it, at least I know how to clean up after myself. It wouldn't be good for a kid to grow up and get their first apartment and have a panic attack because they don't know how to wash dishes or do laundry. Calling them "lazy" won't help them, yet it's good for them to learn self-sufficiency somehow. How would you go about it? I'm open to hearing your ideas.

I was thinking the same thing. I wonder if she was attacked for not doing what she's "supposed" to do as a member of her minority group. I know how that feels because I was raised to be on the lookout for bigots, but I've gotten more flak from fellow members of my race and SJWs than I have from the bigots I was warned about. I was mocked for "acting white" and was scolded for not acknowledging my "victim-hood" status. This is a situation when "allies" are worse than the enemies.

That's great to hear. It seems like the older I get, the more I realize the painful truth that only a handful of abusers really change. You made a very thought-provoking statement about obligation towards parents. I knew that one isn't obligated to them if they were severely abusive or even "mildly" abusive, but I didn't think that even those who came from extremely healthy households weren't obligated to parents. I don't know of anyone from a secure background who doesn't love their family, and I know it'll be difficult for me to not like someone who was truly caring towards me.

How can you love someone who caused you pain? It'll be hard for me to do that unless the person who hurt me was sincerely repentant and made amends. Did she ever apologize to you?

Is there a way you can have someone else be responsible for his welfare? That way, you can ensure he's being cared for while at the same time protecting yourself. Perhaps there are other relatives or maybe you can send him to some kind of care facility?

In other words, the "if you're kind to someone, then they'll be kind to you" idea only works with those who truly care about you. That doesn't work with those who exploit your kindness for their own iniquitous gains.

I don't agree with treating 18-25-year-olds like kids. I didn't like being treated like a child then, and I don't now. Besides, age isn't always linked to maturity since they are immature older people. Correct. Plus, today, we don't see anything odd about being unmarried and childless during one's 20s and 30s, but years ago, that was weird and considered old.

I was wondering the same thing. Wyattstorch, if you are living with your mother, find a way to escape ASAP! I know she's not in the best of health, but it doesn't mean she has to ruin yours with her games. I made the mistake of moving in with my mother a few years ago when I was struggling financially, and she nearly made me her slave. She basically wanted me around to be responsible for her bills while treating me like a bad child she could be nice to sometimes. I hightailed it out of there, and am doing what I can to support myself so I would never depend on a toxic person again. Thank goodness I have two older siblings to take care of her since they worship the ground she walks on anyway.

WaterBearHug, what do you think about getting a pen pal? I know it's not the same as an in-person friendship, but it's a start. Perhaps if the friendship is deep enough, you both can meet in person. Though I'm a loner for the most part, having a pen pal was a nice experience for me, even though my pen pal was in prison. I communicated with him back when I was staying with my mother and when I had roommates, and he was very supportive, especially since both of those situations were very toxic. I don't speak with him anymore because he was released early, and all I can do now is hope for the best for him. Maybe you can seek out a pen pal, too.

You're right; my childhood did play a role in my introverted personality, and I do carry some scars from those hurts. However, I'm not agoraphobic. I have no problem leaving my home to run errands, and I don't feel lonely. I like being alone, and it doesn't bother me that I don't have lots of friends. Perhaps I'm an odd exception to this like I am to a lot of things.

Actually, it's a bit of both for me. I have few friends by choice and because having a loner lifestyle protects me from bullies and users. As a result, I haven't been in a toxic relationship for two years. I admit, I'm a bit of an oddball, and that subjects me to derision and judgment. So, I have two choices: be someone I'm not or find a way where I can be myself, and for me, a loner lifestyle is the solution. I have one friend in a different state, and that's good enough for me. It'll be stressful and annoying for me to have many friends who knock on my door and expect me to hang out with them or do favors for them every day. Going days without speaking to someone doesn't bother me, but it may bother someone who's extroverted. People have been trying to "fix" me for years. When I was reading a book on a bus trip at 12 years old, a chaperone sat and kid next to me so I could have company, even when I didn't care to. In my high school freshman math class, my teacher had me stay after school to discuss my quiet behavior. Two years later, my mother threatened to take me to get help when I told her I sat alone at lunch. Last year, I had a neighbor who scolded me for my loner lifestyle, but wouldn't leave me alone when she needed something. Thank goodness she moved away. My point is, being a loner isn't equivalent to evil or an issue needing changing, and being outgoing isn't "better." They're just different. It even irks me when some people say most serial killers are loners, and that isn't the case. Many have families and outgoing personalities. I haven't hurt anyone and don't want to; I just want my space. That's just as bad as wanting an outgoing person to be quieter. Loud or quiet isn't better or worse; it just is.

Well, to tell the truth, my current life has been pretty peaceful for the past few years since I live life on my own terms. The emails are infrequent, after all. I guess I let my siblings get to me because their actions are so irritating, yet mind-boggling. It's so confusing why one would speak to someone who's been ignoring them for years. If I were the one trying to get someone's attention, and they ignored me for a long time, I'd get the hint and stop. I wouldn't continue to talk to them for years while they don't respond to me. Perhaps they will stop eventually. In the meantime, I'm in charge of being in peace. Thank you for reminding me of that.

That's the deal. I don't speak to them, and I haven't for two years. Also, I've had the email address since high school, back when I knew something was off with my family, but I didn't dare to question it until my early twenties. Plus, I use my email address for other things such as Paypal payments, Amazon orders, etc. I read them, but I don't respond. Sometimes, I find humor in their phony messages. I thought the cold shoulder would be enough to stop them for good, but I'm not sure why two years of ignoring them hasn't worked very much. I don't know why they want someone they look down on back into their life, especially since I left them twice.

Hello, I'm a new member here on FDR even though I've been a lurker for the past couple of years. What drew me to the site was its support for homeschooling, peaceful parenting, and a society without government. I'm currently estranged from my family (for the second time) because of how I was treated during my childhood and early adult years. I once stayed with my mother after a four-year estrangement when I needed financial help only to have been treated like a bad child/therapist/slave daughter she could be nice to sometimes. After a year and three months, I was able to move out. I've been giving my mother, my main abuser the silent treatment for the past two years, and I think she got the hint that I no longer want her in my life, but apparently her henchmen, aka my golden older siblings, haven't been deterred much by my refusal to speak to them. They're no longer in my life, either, because they defend her, make excuses for her, are advocates of punitive parenting, and don't like me becoming my own person. About eight years ago, my brother insulted me for criticizing him for hitting his sons, and he has yet to apologize for it. (My mother and sister trivialized and excused his actions.) The thing is that he likes to play Jekyll/Hyde games with me, such as being mean one moment, and acting like nothing's wrong the next. My older sister is the "nicer" one, but she defends our brother and mother while being condescending towards me. As of late, she has sent occasional emails saying how the family misses me and in every one, she practically begs me to ask her for her help. What kind of person is desperate for someone to seek out their assistance? It makes me wonder if she has some ulterior motive. A few days ago on my birthday, I've gotten birthday emails from both of them even though I've been ignoring them for two years. (This happened last year, too.) I don't get it. I represent everything they're against, and yet they can't seem to get enough of me. Their phony behavior is so off-putting that it makes being truly hated sound good. Even my bullies during my K-12 days had more integrity because at least they didn't pretend to be my friends when they were so mean to me. What's the deal with my siblings? Even the Unquestionable Queen Mother stopped speaking to me (for the time being) since she's not interested in holding herself accountable nor making amends. Why can't my siblings stop, too? Their emails aren't frequent, but even seeing one email every several months from them irks me. Do they like one-sided conversations? Is this something anyone here deals with? I wish they honestly hated me so that I can be left alone in peace. (Sigh!)

Your story is so sad. The idea that everyone should go to college is rampant here in North America as well, but at least homeschooling is permitted even though I haven't experienced homeschooling myself. However, there are ways you can work without possessing a credential. Have you ever considered freelancing? Working from home is getting more and more common, and it's something I've been doing for the past two years in spite of being a college dropout. You can tap into any of your skills and scan sites like Upwork and others that hire contractors all over the world. Perhaps you can also research any work from home opportunities in Europe, though I think it's tougher to find them in your home country than in North America, but it's something to consider. Do you like to write? Creating your own blog is another way to make money. How do you feel about roommate living? It's a way for you to move out of your parents' home while saving money. This option has its risks, though, since your potential roommate may not be compatible or may even be dangerous.