Drew.

My understanding growing up was that sympathy was feeling sorrow for another person, but never having had any related experience. If you love your father and he dies, that is not something that I can relate to. I can have sympathy for you, I can feel sorrow for your experience, but I fundamentally cannot empathize because I do not know what it is like for a loved father to die. Based on my entire history, it seems like you are the one that are mixing these things up. But maybe we have been educated different in this regard, so neither of us are truly wrong in respect to our education on the matter. I disagree, that empathy is very much an emotional experience. A cognitive exercise to induce empathy is to put oneself in the shoes of another. Empathy is when you feel (or have felt) the same (or similar) as me.

When you say wrong, do you mean wrong as in inappropriate or unsuited for the situation, or do you mean wrong as in immoral? Children have a need to have their feelings understood. They have a hard time providing that need for themselves, and mirroring their emotions is a good way to help them understand how they are feeling. To feel sad does not mean that you will not feel other emotions as well, such as the anger or anxiety that you had mentioned. There are several emotions that are a mixture of more than one base emotion (glad, sad, mad, and fear) such as despair, feeling bittersweet, and a justified anger. I think that evil people have the ability to empathize with others, except they choose to use their empathy in a destructive way. I view empathy as a sixth sense. We can feel the emotional currents of situation, and is an aggregate of our sense of hearing, smell, and sight. In the Clinton example, he might be manipulating people based on their need to be understood. If they were mirrored and empathize with in the first place as children, they would be able to provide this need for themselves, and would not be susceptible to such manipulative tactics from others. Of course, imitating what another person is feeling is not empathizing with them. It seems to me like you think that not empathizing with someone is a bad thing. I see it as a neutral. Sometimes it is harmful to empathize with another person. Sometimes it is helpful. Empathy does not mean that you relinquish your own emotions. It means that you feel what they feel in addition to your own. Empathy in the case of someone experiencing despair would be to sense the sadness that they feel. This would be a case where too much empathy is harmful. I think the right amount would be to empathize--to feel what they feel--enough so that you know that they are feeling a great deal of sorrow, and then set that aside so that you can experience your own emotions too.

I have never heard that latin phrase. Therefore all of your arguments are invalid =] I definitely agree with you that people who unhealthy minds have unhealthy bodies. There is a false dichotomy between the mind and the body. I have an idea that exercise helps us feel more confident for two main reasons: the first is that we sculpt a body that we are more proud of, and the second is that we better know our limitations, and just fundamentally having a stronger body puts ourselves at ease, and we either release less stress hormones or their influence is reduced. Looking solely at philosophy, I do not think that exercise is necessary. Looking at having a happy, healthy, virtuous life--which I think everyone is trying to achieve through philosophy--exercise is totally and completely necessary for that. What is the point of working hard when your life is going to be shortened by 20 or 30 years, and the quality of life will be drastically reduced during the time that you are alive? Exercise is definitely an act of self-care and self-love. Everyone can benefit from it. It increases bodily efficiency, which should mean that thinking will become more efficient too. I exercise six days a week, three lifting and three sprints. Every day, I do mobility, coordination, and stretching exercises. I have been feeling so good. When I have to do some kind of work, everything is far simpler than it would be if I wasn't exercising. My stamina and strength have increased tremendously. Exercising has helped me clear my mind at times to dismiss old, harden perspectives and adopt new ones, to arrive at new, improved conclusions.

Empathy is two things: First, Empathy is feeling what another person is feeling. When a child is crying in pain, do you feel sad? When someone is laughing and having the time of their lives, do you feel joy too? Second, Empathy is when you have felt something similar to what another person is feeling, due to both of you experiencing similar circumstances. When someone is having a hard time at school because they are bored, can you relate to them being bored in school? That's empathy. When someone loses a loved one due to a death, do you know what it is like to lose someone you love? That is empathy.

I hold this perspective, and I have found it to be tremendously useful in the therapeutic process: there are no self-destructive habits or behaviors, nothing we do is fundamentally an attempt to destroy ourselves, these things are simply a misguided attempt to help us get what we need. Sex feels good. Sex is often a coping mechanism. When we feel bad, then for so many of us we turn to something to make ourselves feel better. My guess is that due to your history, you feel bad about yourself all of the time, unless if you are distracting yourself. It was that way for me, at the very least. I don't think that there is a direct route to reducing how much one uses coping mechanisms like this, the best way to reduce them is to explore how you are still hurting and resolve it.

It was supremely challenging making it in China. That said, I still grew and met most of those challenges. China and Vietnam are what I am talking about in regards to Asia. I have seen people of other cultures treat their children poorly in those areas as well. I can appreciate what you are trying to do with these competitive statements, but they are not landing with me. Besides, 25 is still pretty young to have children.

I ask that you don't try to be like me. Don't try to best my accomplishments. I don't even strive to accomplish grand and glorious things. My main goal is just to be more of myself--who I was supposed to be without all of the trauma and resulting dysfunction inflicted upon me by my parents. As a result, I have done great and wonderful things. At 19, I went to China with $63 in my pocket and thrived. I did not set out to do that, I just did what I thought would be best for me. Children get hit in public in Asia, and no one bats an eye. I think part of the reason why most Asia countries are still developing nations with a great deal of poverty is because of this rampant abuse. People grow up unable to think, unable to innovate.

I'm nearly 25. Everybody thinks that I look like I'm 16. It's a blessing and a curse.

Since society doesn't really exist, we would be looking at our impact that we have on other individuals. Some people are more open to rationality than others, but fundamentally we cannot change other people, the best that we can do is help others to change themselves. I don't have children, but I do believe that I have had a tremendous influence on the children that I have encountered. I taught English for four years, and during one of those years I was in Vietnam and was dedicating most of my teaching hours to a single eight year old boy. I intervened a few times and offered him healthier alternatives to what the common culture dictates in Vietnam. Also, I have been going to a nearby park to exercise, and with it being summer, there have been a lot of children around. I have made friends with someone of them, and offered what I can when I can. I am one of the few adults who regularly plays with the kids, and the only adult who refrains from punishment. It is easy to despair when we focus on the end goal. I try to focus on the process, on the journey. For example, when I exercise, I have reached the point where my beginner gains has slowed. I do bodyweight exercises, and so it is much more difficult to track progress than if I were using free weights. My pull-ups have been stalled at 4-4-4 for awhile now. I used to be able to easily do 10 or more in a single set--but I was also ~30 lbs lighter back then. I have felt discouraged over my lack of apparent progress, but I focus on doing the best pull-ups that I can do. I focus on exercising regularly. I focus on maintaining proper form, improving it, or preparing myself for another set of exercises. My numbers might not be increasing, but what really matters is that I am doing it, I am putting in my effort, and I am doing it as well as I can. Food for thought.

I've been trying to think what value I got out of Drama and I am racking my brain, and I literally cannot remember what was in the book. FYoG triggered a lot of stuff in me while I was reading it, and it might provide the same benefit for you, which is why I suggested it. I definitely don't want to pressure you into pursuing therapy. That won't do anyone any good. My door will be open.

Right, okay. So there was a misunderstanding in the language that I was using. No problem. I would really recommend exploring the topics of shame and punishment. I found For Your Own Good by Alice Miller to be a helpful read (and it is going to be one of the next books that I add to my book recommendation thread). Of course, it's easy to point out an area, and significantly more difficult working through it, especially if you are uncertain how to progress. I would be willing to work with you further in this, but the next steps would be really diving into this and exploring unresolved material, and the forums are not a very conducive environment for that, and I also think that such content is too personal, raw, and vulnerable to share in a public forum as well. If you take the initiative, I would be glad to work with you in a more formalized manner. I never grow tired of hearing that I have thus far been able to provide something helpful. =]

Jeez, that seems rough. I wasn't too terribly afraid of the police bothering me growing up, but it was always my parents. If I do something bad, like I litter, then maybe someone who knows my parents will tell my parents and I will get into trouble, even though I am in a different city. Stuff like that. I know that fear was quite the norm for me, and I would do what I could to induce more anxiety in myself to gain a sense of normalcy too. In my experience, the more that I have worked on myself, the better my relationships have become. Therapy has been an integral part of my self-knowledge process, and I think that it could provide similar benefits for you as well. I would be willing to work with you, if you're interested. If not, no pressure.

Perhaps we use language differently. If I happen to do something, it means that I did not intentionally start out to do it, but it became intentional to complete after a threshold. If I understand correctly, you wrote that part for yourself, not intending to share it with others here on this board, but after a certain point you decided to share it. Perhaps I am wrong about that, though. As I am re-reading some of your posts, I don't see that you clearly stated that you wrote it for yourself and then decided to share it on the boards. My mistake. Maybe I falsely made the connection between how personal the writing was and the purpose of the writing being for personal purposes. You are definitely assuming that you have done more harm to me than you really have. To have people inflict their unjust perceptions is part of my role as a therapist. Guaranteed, I am not your therapist. This preemptive apologizing seems like it's part of the cycle. I can't attack you if you're already prostrating yourself before me. It's a pretty effective defense, I've done it in the past and sometimes still do it--with intent--when I have the unfortunate experience of someone looking solely to inflict pain on me. I definitely know what you mean. I made that association too. When I was bad, my parents punished me. If I am being punished, it must be because I have done something bad. I no longer view (correction: about 95% of the time what follows is true, and the circumstances in which I still hold the beliefs I am chipping away at) being unhealthy or incorrect as "bad" as in morally wrong and deserving of punishment. Unhealthy is unhealthy. Unhealthy is a weakness. Unhealthy is a mistake. Incorrect is a mistake. Mistakes are opportunities to grow.

Your post drips with despair. For serious. I think that despair is a healthy, natural emotion that has a time and a place. That time and place is forever and always "probably not right now." Your perception of the world has strongly been colored by your past experiences and interactions with others. In their world, trying to be rational is a damning thing, but they absolutely live in a fantasy. Is it worth defending? Well, Western Civilization doesn't really exist. But, from the West has come democracy, capitalism, logic, and all of those other great and wonderful and truthful things. The attempt to eradicate Western culture and civilization is really an attempt to eradicate rational thought. I think that a degree of dissatisfaction with the world is appropriate and healthy, but if it is strong enough that it prevents you from living your life, then it is dysfunctional and needs to be explored and resolved. Despair is such a ridiculously difficult emotion to resolve. I strongly recommend working with a therapist on this, if that's something your interested in. Personally, I wasn't able to resolve some of my own despair until I received aid in a therapist to sort it out.

I definitely hear what you are saying. If you will forgive the, potentially unsolicited and unwanted, analysis, it very much seems like this dynamic is playing out between us now. What I said regarding the fact that you wrote it for yourself and then happened to post it here is definitely not wrong, but it wasn't the whole picture. It seems like you are putting in effort to make me understand, and if the circumstances play out, if I do not fully understand you, then I will attack you. I could be wrong about that, but that is just what I am interpreting.

Best of luck with that. A beneficial therapist can be quite challenging to find. I have heard it recommended that you want to have a therapist of the same gender as the parent you had the most problems with, or the same gender as the one that was primarily involved in specific issues that you want to work on. I have also heard it recommended to chose a therapist that is the same gender. There are a lot of these types of recommendations, though. What matters is that you feel safe with the therapist and they are providing you with a quality service. If you're going to be traveling away, therapy over skype or the phone is still a possibility. If you feel like you have made a strong connection with one of these two women and would like to continue therapy, that would be a good solution.

For sure, our dysfunctional habits and behaviors were born out of immature attempts to resolve a problem that was too great for us. They are not parts and aspects of ourselves that are purposefully engaging in self-destruction, but they are trying to succeed and are failing. As you mentioned, this seems more like personal writing that you happened to post in a public forum. Your audience was yourself, and then another audience gained access to it. The rest of your writing is very clear and direct, so what we both have suggested seems to be the most likely. It is interesting that you felt sad when I said that I had a hard time understanding. I know for me, I have sought understanding from other people. When I have done that, I have ridden on some really wild emotional roller coasters. If memory serves me right, I know that I had been taken advantage of a few times as well. Personally, I think understanding is fundamentally a need that we as adults are responsible for fulfilling ourselves, and receiving understanding from other people is temporary and therefore will never truly satisfy the need. At least, this all was my personal experience. Maybe something similar is going on for you, as you say that you have made strides in fulfilling your needs when others cannot or will not do so.

I found it a little hard to follow. Maybe it's 'cause you were tired when you wrote it, or maybe I am tired reading it now, some combination of the two, or potentially for entirely different reasons. With "To fight one is to fight yourself" are you saying that to fight the child/parent is to fight oneself? If so, that is quite insightful, and I definitely agree with that. I try to strike the balance between adult and child. Typically, I see my inner child as the workhorse and my adult self as the manager (go child labor and enslavement!). That is not to say that this will be universal, but I see that my child self is the one with the boundless energy, and my adult self is the one who knows how to best direct and utilize it. I definitely agree with the value of weakness. It can be so unpleasant in the moment to encounter an area that we are weak in, dysfunctional, etc. But I am always so grateful to have the opportunity to learn, process, and grow, especially as the given opportunity is likely to be lower stakes than what it might be in the future. I would rather lose $1000 by pursuing a fantasy and learning from it now than lose my life savings in the future by not having had this prior negative experience to learn from. Although, I definitely might not feel that way in the moment =] I felt pretty happy finishing what you wrote. It seems like this process has been very rewarding for you. I hope that it continues to be so.

Self-Therapy by Jay Earley The was the introductory book for me in learning and experiencing the Internal Family Systems Model. There is another book, Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard Schwartz, who is the founder, but this one is far more accessible. Reading through it, I began to understand more about the therapeutic process and was better able to do the work on my own. When I worked with a therapist, because I had read this book and was familiar with IFS, it made our sessions go much more smoothly. Two major lessons that I learned from it regards the nature of the relationship that we should have with ourselves, our defenses, and our pains if we wish to be healthy. Additionally, the IFS process incorporates a method known as reparenting, which has been the crux of my own self-therapy process, and has been a major source of healing and growth with my clients.

Indeed they are. Here is some dark synth/retrofuturistic music that I discovered recently

Why would it be immoral? It would be voluntary to date the person. It is not necessarily voluntary to be hit on, but I think if you go out in public you have the expectation of interacting with other people, for better or for worse. You're using a lot of "shoulds," and this is definitely in the realm of aesthetics until a child is brought into the equation. So, perhaps it would be mean or unpleasant to be hit on. As for children, to have a child and then not take steps to ensure the child is provided for is immoral. The child is forced into life and incapable of providing for his or herself. The child is the consequence of the parent's actions, much like how a drunk driver is responsible for whoever he or she may harm behind the wheel. To fail to provide is negligent, and I think the child should be rescued in a situation such as that, although that might incentivize people to act irresponsibly, as they will have the consequences of their mistakes whisked away. So, perhaps garnishing wages would help curb that.

Your question of, how do you let go of your anger toward your parents... I don't think that you should. I think you have a lot of very good reasons to be angry at them. Your father abandoned you. Your mother beat you regularly. I had sleep problems as well, really bad onset insomnia where it would take hours for me to fall asleep. I would get into trouble for not waking up on time, my father was always petulant when he would set plans for us in the morning--for something he wanted to do, but I didn't care about--and my mother would wail like a banshee on some school days. Of course, I had troubles sleeping because I was so incredibly stressed and terrified. My parents very much used me as a dumping ground for their toxicity, and it was in their best interest to instill these failures in me, so that they could abuse and attack me with regularity and have a justification for it. I think this is what your parents did too. I could be entirely wrong here, but my instinct tells me that your enuresis is the result of fear and stress. You said that when you left home for university, it stopped for two years. I had a similar experience where I had no desire to smoke cigarettes anymore the moment I left home. I think that it might have come back because you either have a source of great stress in your life, or you don't have a source of great stress in your life, which has allowed these thoughts to come to the surface to be resolved because now you are in a safe place. My personal experience has that my anger toward my parents has transformed, and this has been the experience of some of my clients as well. Anger is an emotion that helps us break from people who abuse us, but it can also be an emotion that ties us to them. Anger is fundamentally an emotion that drives us to fight for change, and if we attempt to change another person--the abusive people in our lives--then we will continually grow more and more angry, potentially work more and more, and we will fundamentally not make the change that is needed, to get rid of the abuse. By continuing to fight to try to change another person, we expose ourselves more and more to the abuse. After connecting with a great deal of anger, it transforms to pity. These people who abuse us are completely broken themselves. They will not be happy. They will not have good lives. They will fundamentally destroy themselves. I agree with Neeeeeeeeeeeel. I think that this is psychosomatic in nature. A therapist is what you want, and a therapist is something that I can be for you if you're interested.

Hey everyone, I think that it would be wise and valuable if we were to share what books have aided us in our pursuit of self-knowledge. I think that it would be nice to have a summary of the book and the relevant parts, and share what you have gained from reading the book. Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw Shame is such a powerful emotion. It is especially powerful when we do not realize that we are experiencing shame. Bradshaw talks about the difference between healthy shame--accepting one's natural limits--and toxic shame--believing that we are fundamentally unworthy of love, me-plus. He takes the theoretical model of a shame cycle--we feel bad, we cope, and then we feel bad because we have coped, so then we cope more to relieve our negative feelings--and applies to real people. The antidote to toxic shame is love, and so much of trauma and dysfunction is the result of not receiving the love that we needed when we needed it. Reading this book and understanding shame has helped me clear up a lot of self-attack and generalized negative self-beliefs. I have been able to recognize that when I cope, it is because I am seeking comfort and love, and that to attack myself is just to further the pattern that was my childhood, a traumatizing and dysfunctional pattern. I really recommend reading this book, because in my experience toxic shame has been such a challenging emotion to identify, and the moment that I have been able to identify it for what it is is the moment that I have been able to start making progress and healing.

Allow me to correct my definition a bit: bigotry is the belief that something is true without evidence. If I understand what the statement means, it is that Somalians are involved in more recorded felonious crimes in Norway than two other racial/cultural groups. I cannot read the study, so I fundamentally don't know if it is true or not. Assuming that it is: It is very possible that the laws are biased, e.g. it could be a felony to wear a crucifix or to shave one's face, or the reverse could apply where it is not a felony to murder a heretic or rape a woman who is not a virgin. If the laws are not biased against one non-violent group in particular, it could be that the enforcement of such laws is biased, that the Chinese commit the same amount or more felonies but they may be more willing to bribe law enforcement officers and skirt the full force of the law or W. Europeans who commit felonies are less likely to be sentenced for them. Finally, it could be that Somalians have a greater record of felonies compared to other groups because are genuinely are committing more felonies than other groups. There might be something wrong with the people, in that case. I certainly do not know, but I do think that Norway is likely relatively fair with laws and enforcement. Given the state of Somalia and Africa in general, I think that there is probably something wrong with the people, and my first instinct is that it is a toxic culture. If the application of the law and enforcement of it is not biased, then the question to be raised is, why is this group over-represented? Why is this group more associated with this than other groups?

Some nutrients are hard to obtain in plant matter. I guess I was mistaken in regards to statement that it is difficult to obtain hydrophobic nutrients--fat-soluble nutrients--in plant matter. The primary fat-soluble nutrients are A, K, E, and D, all of which can be obtained through plant sources with ease. But Vitamin B12 is exceptionally difficult to obtain, and requires the consumption of meat or bacteria commonly found in the gut involving a fermentation process to add B12 to plant matter ("Vitamin B12", 2016). I think that the claim that animal products were a once in awhile kind of thing is speculative. I imagine that a particularly successful tribe could regularly have meat every single day. But, I am not really interested in entering a debate or serious discussion on this. My initial post was an attempt to address the fact that discussing nutrition is far more complex than exercise. https://ods.od.nih.gov/factsheets/VitaminB12-HealthProfessional/