Drew.

Oh my, I hope that it's just the term that you're not familiar with. I say this because in my own experience and in my work with others, reparenting is the process that brings about real, lasting change. For example, a couple of months ago, my close friends moved away from Vietnam. I had to stay due to financial constraints. As a result, I began to feel incredibly lonely, because I've been with these people for the majority of the last three years or so. I use IFS where we treat defense mechanisms, behaviors, and feelings as parts or people inside of our heads so that we can better relate and navigate the psyche. So, I treated it like there was someone hurting inside of me, and I listened to what my loneliness was saying. I discovered what needs it had, and how they weren't met in the past. I found out about the pains that I have with those feelings, and then I tried to send warm and loving feelings toward myself. In essence, I split myself into two parts, one is this lonely, needy aspect of myself (with child-like energy) and then I had a mature, loving part that consoled it, showed love, and all of the things that we would do to help a child in need (this process is reparenting). As a result, I met my own need. Now, I feel a lot more comfortable being alone. Feeling lonely is a less often occurrence, and it doesn't seem to happen because I want to be around friends, but for other reasons that I've yet to fully explore and heal. It's amazing stuff. I see it as the most important, powerful, and growth-inducing part of the process.

It seems like you have a lot to share. That you want to be listened to, noticed, appreciated, and accepted. You're hurting, and you're not sure what to do about it. I've wanted to respond to your post, but I put it off because of how confused I felt while reading it, and I think that confusion I experienced is likely your own confusion that you're trying to get across to another person. Have you thought about seeking psychotherapy? Having another person help me sort my stuff out out and help me to witness myself and my pain has been has been super helpful. I think it can help you too, help you to gain more clarity, certainty, and direction in your life. If you're interested, I would like to reach out and offer my services.

Yeah, it can be really stressful to change and grow. Everything in the world is telling us to conform and adapt to other people, that to introspect and try to grow as a person would destabilize everything in a person's life, and it may be a form of psychic death as they begin to distance themselves from their defenses. It can be hard to tell from a FB page, for sure. It might help to ask yourself why you want to connect with these people again. What does it mean if they are what you're looking for?

There is a real need to feel like we're special and important. I've felt it, and you're feeling it here. You didn't feel like you were special or important to your parents, and this need to feel that way is an echo of what you were missing. So, you have to meet that need for yourself. An inflated ego is a defense mechanism, instead of feeling like you were inherently special, you were told that you were certain things that made you valuable. So, you have to reparent yourself to meet this need. It's a simple process to share and say, but I really advise working with a therapist for this, as it is a difficult process (it's very easy to get distracted or ignore certain aspects of your inner experience) if you don't have any experience with doing it. After a handful (maybe more) of experiences with it, it should come more naturally.

Your emotional responses are trying to tell you something important. When you shut down, it is a defence mechanism. What is that defence mechanism trying to tell you? How do you feel toward this defence mechanism? Do you like that you shut down, do you dislike it, are you mad, sad, glad, or afraid? Get to know and understand the defence mechanism (IFS is a super helpful tool to use here) and learn how it's trying to help you. Then you might discover what it's not letting you experience.

My experience has been that most people don't change unless if circumstances really force them to. I haven't been too far out from my high school years, and when I developed pre-philosophy friendships. But most people that I've interacted with so far, haven't really improved themselves for the better, and in some tragic circumstances, they have only gotten worse. I check in on facebook pages from time to time--not very often. That's kind of the extent that I go, though. At least in terms of IFS, it sounds like you have two parts are have different desires. They're at conflict with one another. My advice is to listen to both of them, and discover if (and there mostly probably, definitely is) there is any common ground between the two and form a bridge or partnership where they're working together instead of opposition to each other. There are good reasons to reach out to people in the past, and there are good reasons not to.They both have their piece to share.

I'm really sorry to hear that man. Like, so very sorry to hear that. That's so messed up what your parents did to you. Given how they treated you, I think that it is perfectly reasonable and healthy to feel that much anger toward your parents. They nearly killed you as an infant, and they certainly have left you severally damaged. I would imagine that connecting with that anger (but not actually doing it!) would be a very helpful, healing, and cathartic pursuit. I'm sorry to hear that therapy hasn't helped you much, but I'm glad to hear that philosophy has. I wish you the best, man.

Gardner and Sternberg are psychologists who discuss multiple intelligences, such as spatial, creative, emotional, analytical, etc. So, it's at least in mainstream academic psychology. I think that there is truth in the idea of EI in that people have a certain level of skill when it comes to emotions. Someone who is negotiating between major parties would have to have better skill with emotions than a programmer.

It really is a difficult thing to start looking at oneself and realize where we fall short of our ideals. It'll be a struggle, but it'll be so rewarding. I wish you the best. Also, I want to reach out, I offer therapy at an affordable rate (30 to 50 USD/per session), and I know several other quality therapists who offer the same rate as well.

Have you mentioned this to your therapist? He/she might be able to offer more insight. I've had plenty of experience with those kinds of things. If I were encountering this situation (I would definitely struggle for a bit before figuring out that...) I would wonder if this doubt that I'm experiencing is a part of me, and then see if I can listen to it and see what it has to share.

For what it's worth, I've never had any addictions to any hard substances in the manner that would impact my health. But, I've been drawn to things like video games to such a degree that I was near the point of becoming homeless by neglecting searching for work. The intensity has dropped a lot as I've managed to reduce the stressors in my life--getting rid of certain toxic relationships--and also work on why I'm so unhappy with myself and my life. Addictions are a substitute for love and acceptance, so we need to give that to ourselves to fill those needs so we're no longer drawn to the surrogates as much. My situation is certainly not the same as yours, but I still think that my experiences are relevant to your own path.

Thanks for the resources, I'll add them to the queue. I think that so long as you explore your thoughts and feelings in a curious, nurturing manner you can't go wrong. Specific methods may be better suited to different individuals. Personally, IFS offers a great appeal to me as it makes a lot of the steps of the healing process come fairly naturally. If you're ever in the market for a therapist, I would be glad to work with you in the future. I admire people who try to do their own inner work outside of sessions, and I strongly encourage it with my own clients.

Based on what you described here, I can see quite a few similarities between IFS and REBT. The process you describe does sound similar in some aspects, although you use terms that I would not use to describe the process. I'll try to address each thought in order. -Yes, I agree. I would add that the irrational beliefs are rational in the context of history. I.e. "I am unlovable" is an irrational belief, but in the context of someone's history, it may be rational to believe that in order to prevent further harm. -Sounds good. -I think that having a degree of logic and reason is super important in self-work. I have sought evidence to prove or challenge the claim, "I am a failure," in my own work. I have found that doing that proved to be helpful. -Getting rid of irrational beliefs and nourish rational thoughts. Hm. I would like to hear more about this in particular. In IFS, we do something similar to that. We take a "Part" (a defense/irrational belief/hurt feeling) and listen to what it has to say--listening to and processing their irrational beliefs. Then we challenge those beliefs very gently--these irrational beliefs were adopted in childhood and therefore are likely to be immature. Then end goal is to replace the old belief or feeling with a healthier one. In essence, we try to be a good parent to ourselves to help heal and process. -Not manipulating or ignoring them. Great! Wonderful! -I.e. being a good parent to oneself. -Not letting emotions control. I agree 100%. In IFS, we also try to unblend and separate our Self from the emotions as well. It is valuable and wonderful to feel and express emotions, but not to become them or be controlled by them. -I think we can be in control of our conscious beliefs, emotions are things that we have much less control over. But we do have control over how much they affect us in the moment. -The unconscious does deal with those processes, yes. I would add that the unconscious is also in charge of emotions; i.e. it is a lightning calculator that tells us if something is good or bad for us, and emotions are the way that it expresses that. -I'm not so certain that the unconscious has a mind of its own, but it does seem to be very powerful. As anecdotal evidence, I went to a school that I would teach at. I was informed about certain details of classes that were offered to me, but I felt really uncomfortable and sad. As the negotiations furthered, there were more details that I didn't like. When I left, I reflected upon it, and I can clearly see how the woman was acting manipulatively. I see that my unconscious was warning me, and in this instance I listened to it. -I think that the stories are helpful. Stories are a way to structure our thoughts. Personification of emotions and defenses are ways that we can better grasp what is going on for us internally. We relate something alien and unknown to something we can better understand. Are there actually people inside of me, like IFS parts? Man, I don't know. But it sure is a helpful way of thinking about things, and it makes the process really easy to go through. -I think that not every is voluntary, as the unconscious does take care of somethings. I didn't voluntarily feel uncomfortable in that negotiation. But consciousness is the filter for our actions. If we choose not to make something conscious, in essence we are allowing it to happen. -All good models of therapy that I've encountered have a form of reparenting as well--exploring the emotions/beliefs and gently replacing them with something else. Hearing you describe this, it sounds interesting to me. I do now recognize that it is Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. The emotions are important in this form of therapy. Is there a book or resource (book preferred) that you could recommend me so that I could be more informed about this?

Thanks for the explanation about REBT. My impression has been that most cognitive and behavioral therapies focus more on the symptoms than on the root problems, trauma. I like that IFS deals more with the emotions, for sure. Sorry to hear that about your previous therapist. I just want to reach out, if you're looking for a therapist to help support your personal growth, I'm available and offer a free consultation.

I found that self-therapy was a super valuable pursuit. I began journaling with the intent of sorting things out about four years ago. It was okay as far as quality of self-exploration goes. But, I found that by working with a therapist, I was able to pick up on methods that I could adapt and use on my own in order to enhance my own self-therapy. I still do this now, and I find that the quality of work that I can do on my own and what I can accomplish with a therapist are drawing ever nearer to be the same thing. I like to think of it like learning a new skill, such as a language or instrument. It really helps having someone with experience to help guide you and share with you what they tried and what they found to be helpful. A major difference, as Tservitive mentioned, is that the therapist can notice blind spots, which are more apt to occur in the psyche than anything else.

Ms. Rand added some caveats so that actions such as murder, theft, rape, and lying weren't justified. In essence, she would say that they may benefit a single individual who acts in this manner, but it doesn't not further life because the actor is required to take from someone who has acted with rationality, perseverance, and whatever else to produce something of value. But, when I was trying to follow her definition, I would weigh my decisions to figure out what would benefit me and further my life the most, and whatever that was, I called it to be "the good." Which is definitely and absolutely a limited form of utilitarianism.

I would second journaling. When I was absolutely lost in my life, I began journaling. I had a record of who I was, how I was feeling, and what I was thinking. It remained consistent day by day. After time, I was able to better distance myself from all of my surface thoughts and feelings, and I was better able to dive deeper into the core of who I was, and from there gain some grounding in myself and in my life. I found that working with a therapist helped to teach me how to peel the layers and get back to who I was so that when I became lost, confused, and split off I could find my way to my core and work from there.

So, I've been reflecting upon this for awhile. I think that my previous statement that virtue and moral are synonymous is not entirely accurate. If I recall correctly, in UPB Stef states that virtue is what we act with, and is not an action itself. I.e. you can act with courage/honesty/etc. But there is no way that you can do courage to another person or thing. That said, I would say that virtue, in essence, is to act with love. To be honest is to act with love toward yourself, the other party, and reality. To act with courage is to act with love toward your values in the face of challenge. I know that before, the conversation was at a block, and I hope that this new path will encourage further discussion and exploration. This has been a question that I've been wondering about. I remember when I was first introduced to FDR, I loved that what was wrong became so clear, but I never quite knew or understood what goodness was. I was drawn to Ayn Rand and Objectivism because she gave a very clear definition what was good--that which furthers man's life.

I'm sorry to hear that. It seems like you've had really bad experiences with therapy, and I would assume that it would have been a very frustrating process that made you feel helpless at times. I say that because, yeah, I've felt that way too about my self-work sometimes--today even. Philosophy paired with therapy has done wonders for me and really improved the quality of my life--and as an indirect result made my compulsions less intense and frequent. I wish you the best in your journey.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I felt an exhilarating rush when I first began asserting myself with my parents. I was still living with them at the time, and I had to make a mad dash escape when things started really self-destructing. Do you mind if I give you some hard-won advice when it comes to RtRing?

I'll second neeeeeeeeeeeeeel. I would say that these are all great and wonderful traits to have, but why are they virtues? My understanding is that virtue, ethically positive, and moral are synonymous. At least in the framework of UPB, not only is ethics universal but aesthetics is as well. Why are these traits--which I think we can agree on are universally preferable--ethics and not aesthetics?

I certainly haven't listened to the call, but I do have some thoughts about remaining friends afterwards. Generally, I think that it's a bad idea. In most relationships, there is a lot of projection and fusion by fantasy fulfilment for unmet childhood needs. I think that splitting but remaining friends will inhibit self-exploration and healing--why did the relationship fail? If I understand correctly, you split up with this woman years ago, and now you meet her every so often. I think that's more of a grey situation. I hope that both of you have grown as people since then, and if that's the case then you're not really the same people who dated in the first place. On the other hand, maybe there are some relationship dynamics going on like there was in your college age. But hey, I don't know the specifics of the situation nor have I really given this subject much thought, so take my perspectives for what it's worth.

Hey man, I just want to say, seeking out video games for comfort and resolving that is a very long process. It's something that I've been working on for a long time--and I've seen real improvement--but sometimes I still return to my old habits. I say this just to let you know that if you feel like you make progress, but then in some way return to your old habits not to be disappointed or discouraged. It's a journey. That said, I offer therapy services. If you're interested, I would like to help you find your way. My ideal situation is not to replace the video games with another habit, but to meet the unmet childhood needs that so strongly compel me to video games in the first place. I've discovered that some of my major drives for video games are a need for some kind of companionship and control in my life, a need to feel like I've achieved something important, and as a means of passing time while I wait for something more important to come along. Maybe some of these things overlap with you and your experiences. All that said, figuring this out isn't enough. A major part of the process is grieving those unmet needs, which is quite a bit more difficult to do. Having a therapist to help you along the way can provide so much benefit, and if you do not seek my services, I still encourage you to seek out someone else who can help you to heal.

Oh, yeah that makes sense. As far as "shoulds" go, assuming that should implies a moral reason/absolute, then I don't think that creating a valid argument that could be convincing would be possible. A person would follow a should if they already wanted to follow shoulds and be moral. As far as effects go, I think that you could list a bajillion of them, one such being a clean conscience. I've been tossing around the question of what is 'virtue' for a long time, and I don't think that I've really got anywhere, haha. I wish you the best, though.

Sure, I'll offer my views on your argument. Might I ask, why would you like to know? I think that our arguments are pretty similar. Your argument, you specify that the conscience will cause difficulties for the person. Personally, I think that reality corrects--bad people are surrounded by other bad people who do bad things to each other--itself. I think it's hard to say whether everyone has a conscience, and it certainly seems as though some people act as though they don't. The conscience would be an inner voice attempting to address the reality of the situation, though. So I believe that what you gave was a more specific example than mine. If you really want me to critique your argument, I would be willing to do so. My first question would be, what is virtue, and what actions are virtuous? I say that because UPB doesn't define virtue, it can only define what is evil not what is good. The criteria for moral good is that you can use violence to enforce it. If someone is not being courageous or prudent or honest or curious or vulnerable or whatever trait then using UPB's definition you could use violence to make the person be that way. Of course, that would break down, and so those virtues would fall in the category of aesthetics--which doesn't have the same impact and meaning as moral does. I would also say that reason ≠ virtue ≠ happiness. Reason can lead to virtue which can lead to happiness. Happiness, in my experience, comes from internal exploration, grieving childhood trauma, and reparenting oneself. My perspective is that the people who focus on the rational arguments--and avoid the self-work--aren't very happy people. Is delaying gratification a virtue? I don't know, man. I see that it can be a valuable trait to have--although sometimes (rarely) the exact opposite is more appropriate. The final part of my critique would be, why are you arguing this in the first place? What goal do you have in mind? What do you want to come from your arguments? But I'll just add this, you certainly do not have to answer my questions nor respond to my post. To do so, I believe would to show a level of vulnerability over a internet forum in which most anyone can access and may have painful results.