_LiveFree_

I don't think you can get any quicker than responding in the moment, and emotions tend to come up when ever they want to. Forcing anything definitely won't work. In the beginning, working with emotions always seems tedious, difficult, and never ending. Just stay consistent and stuck with it.

You're very welcome, Sam.

When you feel emotions about to come up and then you get foggy or there seems to be an auto-suppress function working on you, say out loud "fog", then write down what was just said or what just happened or what you just thought just before the fog. Sometimes you'll literally forget what just happened. That's the fog, which is a defense you learned at a young age. If you were to express your anger you'd be hurt even worse. Therefore, you fog. If you start paying attention to what happens right before you fog you'll start developing a map that can lead you where you need to go. Like leaves blowing in the wind and howling noises can lead you to understand that wind happens when air pressure changes.

*knee slap!* lol

When did Stefan become so articulate?

Just to contrast your experience, marginalist, i told my therapist i may have to reduce my visits to once every two weeks because of financial issues. She said, "how about you still come every week for an hour and just pay me half." And this is coming after she gained a bunch of clients a few months ago and runs a full schedule. I've been with this therapist since January of this year. She's amazing.

"I am willing to read or do anything," 1) Stop posting on the internet. 2) Find a therapist just for you immediately (like right now) and begin seeing this therapist as soon as you can. If a particular therapist can't see you in the next 4 to 7 days, move on. 3) Read Real Time Relationships multiple times. Listen to FDR podcasts on RTR 4) If you are not already, listen to FDR podcasts, specifically the call-in shows, a few hours each day minimum. 5) Begin a meditation practice (you can find guided audio meditations as audiobooks or even on youtube) Authors to read: Nathaniel Branden, Alice Miller, Sue Johnson, Richard Schwartz Read anything by Nathaniel Branden you can get your hands on. The Psychology of Self-Esteem is his best and original work, but he also wrote The Psychology of Romantic Love which is a really good one, too. Quite frankly, your self-awareness is not high enough at this point. While it is nice to be able to talk about life's troubles with people, because of the severity and immediacy of your situation, you need a professional that you see alone. You won't be able to get what you need here on these forums, especially since you are still having trouble with directness and honesty while posting anonymously. I know you think you're being as honest as you can, but I promise you, at minimum do the things I've listed here and then come back after a while and read these posts, you will see what I'm talking about. And the nice thing about it is that if I'm wrong, you still gain a hell of a lot of self-knowledge by taking those steps. Also, I do not recommend John Gray at all. Only when men and women lack self-knowledge and the courage to be honest do they seem fundamentally different from each other. The most important thing you can do right now is to find yourself a personal therapist. And you might as well email Mike (user: MMD) and get queued up for the call-in show.

Hey regevdl, It seems if you are posting about your marriage on a message board that you are desperate for help. Would I be correct in saying that? You have my deepest sympathies as I know that these kinds of situations can hurt so bad you can physically get sick. You say that your relationship with your husband has been going down the tubes for a few years now. Right off the bat this tells me a few things: 1) He's not being open and honest with you, 2) you are not being open and honest with him, 3) both of you care more about not being hurt than being vulnerable with each other, 4) neither of you have done enough to correct the spiral downwards. This isn't meant to be harsh on either you or him, it is simply a statement of fact. You cannot correct your course until you figure out where you are right now and how you got there. You give some history of moving around, that you have two kids, and you used to live next to his parents. So it sounds like you two got married and had two kids before you were stable. Then he continued to work long hours, rarely seeing his kids. So you married a guy (who you later describe as being very athletic, which I assume means attractive, too, as well as being a military man, which he was well suited for because of his lack of ability to empathize with others' emotions) who works long hours and stays away from home for weeks at a time, but then decided it was a good idea to have two kids?? You've made some mistakes along the way, wouldn't you say? You can't buy a car, take it home, and then get angry when it doesn't turn into a boat. You married an emotionally repressed male. For you to get angry at him for not being emotionally vulnerable with you makes zero sense whatsoever. And, sense you decided to have two children without establishing a stable foundation first, there is likely quite a bit of emotional repression in yourself, too. The kids have not "adjusted to" their father rarely being home in the sense that they understand and it's OK with them. Basically, they have adapted to their environment, which is starkly fatherless. "We have been seeing a therapist for several months and he refuses to cut to the bull shit." -- Yet you are throwing bullshit at us in your post, even with this very sentence. Someone who says they're "fine", when you know they are not, is being defensive. Why would they be defensive? Have you asked yourself that question? Have you approached your husband in a non-accusatory manner? You say you want to scream at him when he's being defensive. Have you considered that the reason he is defensive like that is because his mother or father used to scream at him as a child when he would feel emotions like pain that resulted in crying? What about your parents? Was your father emotional distant with you? What parallels in behavior do you see with your husband and your father, your relationship with your husband and the relationship your parents had with each other. You chose this man. He hasn't changed, you haven't changed. The only thing that is different is that you are getting further into your relationship and realizing that there are many aspects which are lacking, specifically an emotional connection. I bet your naughty bits were connected fairly early on in your relationship. Is this correct? He has his first day off in a month and likely wants to spend it alone. Did you ask him what he wants on his day off or did you just expect him to want what you want? My goodness, if I worked a month straight and then on my one day off my wife got irritated when I didn't do what she wanted, I think I'd rather go back into work. Don't do something "for him" and then expect something in return. You didn't mow the grass for him, you mowed it so that he wouldn't have an excuse to not spend time with you. You mowed the grass for you. Now I'm feeling irritated. You complain about him not going with you and the kids to the spring, but later that same day he takes the kids to the community pool except you don't go because you're feeling rejected. How about going up to your husband, putting your arms around him and say "I felt sad and lonely and anxious today when you didn't come with us to the local spring." Don't add any narrative or conclusions. Just be open and vulnerable and honest about what you experienced. If you really want to reverse this downward trend, then you have to show him the type of relationship that you want, which means being what you want and giving him what you'd like to receive. If you're thinking at this point, "But I feel too hurt to do that," then give up now and divorce him. When your two innocent kids ask when they're all grown up and in therapy why you divorced daddy, you can tell them you just quit. I want to pause here and make it clear that you came here for feedback. All I have to go on is what I've read in your post. I don't have a post from your husband to read. I'm absolutely positive that if he posted here there would be plenty of things to point out to him that he is doing to hurt his marriage, his kids, and himself. Please don't think I'm just picking on you. Again, you have to know where you are and how you got there before you can correct your course to get where you want to go. Continuing through your post... So now you have a 3rd outing for the day to the farm. This is a normal occurrence because he has to check the water system weekly (more work). On the way there, you bring up therapy. Specifically, you bring up both of your deficiencies as it relates to therapy. I mean my god, does the man ever get a break? How about talking about what is going well? Or asking him what he thinks or feels about therapy? Maybe you could tell him what you think and feel about it without talking about where he needs to improve. He's been grumpy lately but you don't know why. Goodness me, just ask him! And be gentle. A man who has been in the military can do many things and seem like the bravest of souls, but his heart is still a 4 year old boy. You married a warrior and now you want gentleman. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. You have a scared boy inside your husband, and the approach you've taken is at least half the reason why your marriage is failing. You don't know this man. And you don't seem too interested to get to know him. You want him to be a certain way that suits you. He is not, and that angers you. The fact that he hasn't opened up to you is all the information I need in order to know that you bully him. Stop it. He doesn't put in effort unless you nag him about it? Ask him what he feels when he doesn't want to make an effort. The effort the both of you need to make is to talk about what you are experiencing in the moment without any conclusions or narratives or stories. Just share your experiences. It's more frustrating because he is a self-motivated danger and manager and I hear from him and everyone how he goes above and beyond etc. He was a champion swimmer for his country by age 13-18 and lived away from home at that time, was a "legend" in his military days, spent a year off roading in Africa with a friend if his. But can't seem to leave the grass another week and come with me and kids to a watering hole for an hour? -- Oh holy mother of god. I'm sorry but come on. "Only when I point out our failures does he dominate the conversation with mine." (I think you meant "...with me".) You want him to be the alpha male, therefore you attack him so that he'll fight back? This is exactly why he won't open up to you emotionally. "He only plays defense, not offense." - So do you view your marriage as a game with a winner and loser? regevdl, it's time for you to take a long hard look in the mirror, sister. Have you opened up to your husband and not just told him but shown him how scared you are? If so, how did he respond? Have you two talked about your childhoods together? Have you talked about your and his parents? If not, that could be a really good starting point for the two of you to begin reconnecting with some empathy for each other. Now it's a bold leap to start talking about your childhoods as abusive, but healthy people with healthy relationships with their parents don't end up in situations like yours. I feel very comfortable taking that leap. Does he have to work so much? All a relationship is is communication. If there is a lack of communication in a relationship, whether due to emotional unavailability or geographic unavailability, then that relationship will suffer. While couples therapy is good, it sounds like you need to find a new therapist. You should also begin seeing your own therapists separately. In fact, if you can't afford or don't have the time to do both individual and couples, go with the individual sessions. Maybe he doesn't open up in couples therapy because you're there. regevdl, this post was very direct and the language was sharp. I did not hold back. This was not for the purpose of making you feel bad. It was to jolt you out of your current narrative and perception that you have of your marriage. That perception is a major part of the problem. I wish you the best in your marriage not only for the happiness of you and your husband, but also for your two children who need you to do this very difficult work. Thank you so much for your post today. I would really like to read your response either public or through a private message, if you feel like responding. Take care! Nathan

Dang man I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. The feeling of isolation is awful and is a clear sign of being abused. Abusers can only be so by keeping their abused isolated. Start looking into "Internal Family Systems Therapy". You won't ever feel alone again

Journaling is a funny thing for someone who was taught to keep their thoughts to himself. I know I ran into this problem when I tried to start journaling. I'd sit down with an open journal, blank page and brand new pen. And as soon as I touched the page with the tip of the pen........*crickets*. It took me a while to realize that I had been programmed to shutoff when it came time to express what was inside of me. My feelings and thoughts were replaced with an "I don't know...". When you journal you are practicing not censoring yourself. It doesn't matter what you write, even if what you write are random lines all over the page (this is still self-expression). What really helped open me up is the idea of absolutely writing whatever thought popped up in my mind, which quite often was "I don't know what to write." So I'd write down, "I don't know what to write." This might lead to a feeling of frustration. "Dammit, it's so frustrating to want to journal but not know what to write." Which could lead to a question, "Why don't I know what to write?" or an expression of a desire, "I wish I knew what to write." Then I might get distracted by something, "Shit my knee hurts." The point is if you are experiencing a block at journaling, that is a sign that you are blocking yourself. If you are blocking yourself, this is likely because you are experiencing emotions in the present moment that you were not allowed to express in the past. The programming, which is not allowing you to express those emotions, is showing up. You can even try starting out by writing, "It is safe for me to write what I think. It is safe for me to write what I feel. It is safe for me to write about my experiences." My journaling mainly started out just trying to remember the basic details of where I had lived since birth. Anyway, that has been my bit of experience. Hope it helps. Congratulations on pursuing self-knowledge!

Ok, i think you're right. We're getting off track here. To answer your question, I didn't say you should not prepare. I said you should prepare to be honest, any other preparation would be counter productive. What is important to me is this topic. Good callers are so exciting and insightful to listen to. Bad callers can't tell the truth. Let's start again if you want. What are some things you've done already to prepare for your call?

I'm so very so for your loss, Grizwald. The loss of a loved one is by far the worst feeling ever. It doesn't matter if it's the loss of a dog, friend, sibling, parent, partner, or even the loss if the self. I'm so sorry what you are going through. What has helped me get through those times is to think about the things I loved so much about the one who was lost. Then work to incorporate those qualities into my own self, thereby making my life a continual monument, remembrance and honoring of who they were. I have found that this greatly increase my joy overtime and the pain of loss is enveloped in a blanket of warm thanks and appreciativeness. But foremost, allow yourself to break down, lose your emotional control and just grieve the loss. I'm so sorry man. Warm wishes to you.

Without knowing specifically what you are calling about, how can anyone answer your question? If you are calling about a specific topic, which I assume you are, then how is it that you would need to prepare? Don't you already know everything you can but have reached an impass creating the need for help? If you are unclear about how to proceed in your situation, and you are calling in for outside perspectives and assistance, how can organizing your thoughts in the same manner that you have, with the goal of having a more productive call, produce any better results? Now if you were calling in to debate Stef, then yes, uber preparation on the debate topic would be necessary. But I assume since the call is a personal call and not a call in show, that it is not a debate but pertains to your life's circumstances. You can never be more of an expert on anything other than your life because you live it non-stop. This is what I mean by 'everything you need in your brain is already there'. Calculating the approximate times you were spanked can be done in seconds. Stef and Mike have done that multiple times on the show live. I bet that you have been pursuing self-knowledge for a while now. Just keep doing that. Don't "prepare" anything for the call except the bravery to say exactly what you are thinking and feeling. All of the organizing of thoughts and getting specific facts helps your self-knowledge in the long run. I'm not saying don't do those things. What I am saying is don't do these things because you have a call with Stef. Again, this call is likely to go in a direction that you haven't anticipated, which is precisely why you are calling in the first place. Stef will ask for a lot of information, but likely less than you think. And the information that you give isn't so much as important as your ability to emotionally connect with the experiences those bits of information represent. The most important thing I can suggest is to ask your question outright within the first few minutes of the call (in one sentence if you can). Be precise about why you are calling and allow the conversation to flow freely. Pie graphs, detailed timelines, data sheets and budgets are great for self-knowledge and you should pursue them for you. Let the call be just what it is, a conversation among two equals. And remember, he won't publish the call unless you say he can. So don't hold back anything. Maybe that's a great place to start if you are dead set on preparing. Relentlessly inquire yourself about what you're holding back from. Why are you stuck. Why do you feel you need to call. A lot can happen in a month. Maybe by the time the call comes around you are asking a completely different question. So to sum up, as long as you're being honest you won't be wasting any time. The conversation will unfold naturally. If you are daily pursuing self-knowledge, which is the act of being honest with yourself and thus practicing honesty, then you are practicing the one skill you need to have a great call. Podcast 2750 was a great example. Too much monkey brain, not enough cow bell. So if you read my whole post, what are you feeling now? What emotions and sensations arose when you were reading it?

I have called into the show and I have listened to almost all of the shows (i've got a couple of hundred left to listen to). A bum off the street who is capable of being completely honest will have a better go at an FDR call-in show than an FDR member who prepares a narrative for Stef. If a call-in show goes the way you predict or hope it will, then you have likely missed a major opportunity. A call-in show is not a therapy session, it is a conversation with two people being 100% honest (hopefully) with each other. Two people being completely honest in a conversation hardly ever happens. That is why these shows are so amazing. In short, prepare your bravery, your guts, your balls, your ovaries, your heart, whatever. Your mind already contains everything it needs.

Be prepared to be completely honest. Any other preparation is counter productive.

Hey Violet, yup. Seeing yourself and the world for what it really is is the scariest thing you'll ever do in your life. The process of waking up isn't lonely, you're just now acknowledging how lonely you've been. This is the path to finding real love with yourself and a few other very special people. No matter how tough it gets, be gentle with yourself and keep moving. Life is always changing. What is here today is gone tomorrow. What you think you're lacking may be just around the corner. Thanks for your post! Nate

If this delivery system actually....takes off... *snort!* then I expect delivery ports to be added to business and residences alike. So people can add a small "delivery landing zone" to their houses. Or apartment complexes can have designated delivery areas or some such. It would seem to me that those boxes should have a release hatch at the bottom. The aircraft hovers a few feet off the ground and just spits out your package (not trying to be gross, although I did just pun all over my computer).

Wait, does that mean Sister Mary Latrine will have to smack me with her charming wit?

Not bad, here is some feedback. The following is all just my opinion. I could be completely wrong. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhNkEZfLKdg

Welcome to the boards, Asheli! Ok, I'm going to be blunt while hopefully not being insulting. The fact that you are here asking these questions, absorbing this type of information, and desire to help those you love says a great many wonderful things about you. Never doubt that you're very intelligent, empathetic, compassionate, and brave. So here's the truth. You aren't in far enough. You haven't dove into the philosophy enough and applied it to yourself. You've absorbed a ton of information, but information is not your salvation. Anarchy is not about politics, it is about the way you treat yourself. If you are telling yourself that you have to convince your beau of the reality of the world, you are not interacting peaceably with your internal family. You don't have to do anything, and neither does he. If he doesn't want to believe you, there is no amount of force (be it physical or intellectual) that will make him believe you. And that's what you came here for. . . Ammunition. The strategy that you are using (throw my intellectual weight against his) is why he doesn't believe you. You are saying "people aren't free but should be, and I have the answer", while at the same time living your life as a slave and treating him as if you were his master. Here is the ugly truth. You are afraid to live the philosophy of non-aggression and universality. You want him to accept it so that he will wade deeper into the water, then you can safely follow him. This is not a failure of your intellect. It is the same biological mechanism that plays out all over the world in man-woman relationships. Religion is passed on by the woman. She gets her man to subscribe to her world view. In doing so, she ensures that he will act accordingly and bring the most bounty and safety to her life. And she will be able to predict his behavior and therefore, manipulate it, too. So, you've stepped into the water. Now it's time to go all in. Attacking political ideas will never work. Stefan argues that politics is the result of the family. Or more accurately, physically, emotionally, and psychologically violent childhoods produce, from the resulting dysfunctions, a human mind that accepts violent coercion as preferable to voluntary persuasion. The psychological aspect is fundamental to understanding what "freedom" really means. Forget about economics and secret societies. Burn the root of the tree of society and the tree itself will die. Stop hacking at your beau's branches. You'll likely just piss him off. Richard Schwartz, in Internal Family Systems Therapy, talks about 3 classes of personality parts within a human mind: managers, firefighters, exiles. To put it differently: those who dictate, those who enforce, those who are dictated to and enforced upon. Plato described the 3 classes in an "ideal society" as: guardians, auxiliaries, producers. To put it more clearly: those who rule, those who fight, those who work. The French Revolution saw 3 classes known as "Estates": The First Estate (clergy), The Second Estate (nobility), The Third Estate (everyone else). But in reality the First and Second Estates were the same class. The King of France didn't consider himself an Estate but was actually the First Estate (ruler); The Second Estate being the religious and military enforcers, and The Third Estate was all of those who were exiled into poverty. (One could argue that the King's withdrawal from the class system is why society broke down in France. When dysfunctional relationships are not kept in check with each other, things typically get very bad very fast. It's true for society and politics as well as when one personality part takes over the self.) Rulers, Enforces, Exiles. To add one more example out of fiction, in The Matrix Trilogy, the machines were split up into 3 classes; the Deus Ex Machina (ruler) [this was the big machine god at the end of the 3rd movie], agents (enforcers), and the exiles (who were literally called "Exiles"). The machine world represented the human mind. Neo represented the Observing Self. Zion represented the human body. All of these parts were at war with each other until the very end when Neo peacefully united himself (Self and the body) with the enforcers (Agent Smith), and the rulers (Deus Ex Machina in the machine city). All of the sudden all parts stopped fighting each other and trying to dominate each other. Every voice had a place at the table. Only when you have anarchy (voluntary association) between your own inner personality parts will you fully understand the philosophy of non-aggression, and you will be living it every moment of your life. The human mind manifests itself in the world layers upon layers. Asheli, it's time to go deep inside of your own mind. Once you gain a greater understanding of yourself, you'll see your good man naturally drawn to everything that is you. Stop trying to shine a flashlight in his face claiming it's the truth. Become the Sun (like Neo at the end of the 3rd Matrix movie) and he won't ever want to escape your gravity well. The light that you'll be shining then won't be a small beam of ghostly shadow, but life bringing brilliant cosmic rays that illuminate everything. You have everything you need. Now just go and do it. that is my humble opinion Nate

Nope. That's manipulative. Masking manipulation by saying "I believe in ____" is also manipulation. incepulation?

I think part of the problem is that it's your mother. What would you do if she were just a roommate, totally unrelated to you, and you saw her treat the children that way?

Wow, it's bad enough to have this evil heaped upon you, but to see helpless children take the wrecking ball is unspeakable. I'm so sorry man. Why are you living at your mother's if you don't mind me asking?

"You should love, honor, and respect me!" - My father yelling at me in a drunken rage. Oh, and my mother's silence as she watches from the top of the staircase.

PetrKL,the first thing I would do in your situation is ignore BlackHeron's response to you. BlackHeron, you took PetrKL's traumatic experience and made it sound as if it was not traumatic, and that PetrKL should realize that he/she was a kid and simply didn't understand. The real trauma being that PetrKL isn't close enough to talk to his/her parent's about what they did. How despicable. And for that, you've earned a down vote. PetrKL, if you haven't already, I'd suggest finding a good therapist with which to talk. I have no doubt that this was not the only thing that happened to you. Parent's who can't stop themselves from having sex while in the same room as their kids have some serious issues going on, Eskimo or not.