barn

Hi @Elizbaeth May I ask a.) how are you going to 'vet' the place? What are your criterias for that? b.) How will you 'sell' / introduce the idea to your sons? Are you prepared to negotiate(peacefully with reason & evidence) if necessary? c.) Do you have any activity that you yourself used to (I can imagine, as of now still too little time for yourself..), you will actively pursue and can serve as a good example of learning skills? d.) Have you read up on the different learning styles and their characteristics? Barnsley

At the time of creating the thread, there wasn't an original posted by the admins. If there was, I had completely missed it and I'm apologising for duplicating. If my comments here wished to be merged with the other same named thread, I'd be happy to see that being done, eliminating this thread in the process. Cheers, Barnsley

Hi @Chris hart (my amateur assessment, pick and choose what's good for you) To me your account sounds like a great deal of not getting what's going on around and having been played as an instrument in various situations by various parties. Saying you got used to being alone but wanting to not be alone. (either one of those is incomplete) Until a certain age, in certain situations I don't think there's much possibility to take matters into our own hands(a 12yr old can't pack up and leave house) but all that changes when reaching a turning point. I'm generalising and putting it rather broadly because it depends greatly on the country/culture and of course the person/people involved. I always thought that I had achieved independence at a relatively young age but later in my life I've met people who were harder pressed or more efficient than me in establishing their new life path. I think itself the realisation in you, the wanting to get something better is very important achievement already. Should you choose to continue, you'll have to start being your own best A-team (I mean your own best friend : patient, curious, motivating, honest, constructive, responsible, pro-active, always available, kind, dedicated, reasonable, funny... and occasionally let things be said to yourself, even if it is hard at first) I could give you book titles and videos to watch and so on, but I feel it would only distract you from unwrapping all those things that are bottled up in you. Probably nobody really took the time to just hear you out, show you that in that moment you were that mattered and nothing else. Undivided attention. (I hope I'm not projecting, surely correct me) Without going into much details. I had ended a 8yrs+ friendship due to (let's call him) Bob becoming narrow minded and detached from reality. So much that in the end of our friendship I was even tired to try to asking meaningful questions about his true thoughts/emotions. After a certain point he wasn't able to speak his mind, without running it through a meticulous and highly restrictive filter. (Don't forget, body language constitutes 70%+ to communication, much of what's perceived is unconscious, very hard to control. We'd been friends for a loong time so it pained me he was slipping away but he wouldn't connect.) He had had a fucked up childhood with lots of neglect, a crazy mother an emotionally distant father and many siblings who sort of raised each other more often than desired... In his early mid 20s he went deep in the maze of determinism and some sort of magical thinking with past lives and everything is relative, no judgement possible on anything bollocks. So yeah, I cut him out like a dead weight. And mourned. And then got angry for me not seeing it earlier (some of my flaws) and at him for giving up on the friendship. Since then I have no qualms about it. The reason I shared this with you is, because I am absolutely sure you can have meaningful and deep connections with people if you approach your situation from an honest and caring standpoint. You must realise what happened inside you back then, why you chose the route to becoming distant from your core, your true inner self. To me it's not weird if someone had to develop a skin thick enough to withstand the constant sharp objects flinging at them. It's only a natural defense mechanism. And I'm not talking about a math equation with a clear solution waiting to be solved. I mean facing the past with curiosity so that you can allocate responsibility(where it's due), mourn the lost, identify patterns in a way that you will see them. Because before, you were looking at them but to you they were invisible. Just like to me Bob (my ex best friend) wasn't a de-evolving, mystical minded person but in fact he was, my 'radar' was off. This was my two cents, I encourage you to correct me or ask for clarification. I was trying to be as straightforward as I could, hope I was also mindful enough. Looking forward to reading your answer, Barnsley

(must be annoying) ... and my proposed action didn't help neither?

Hi @Jot I'm no admin or 'tech-fairy' (haha... sorry, got amused for a sec), but perhaps you could clarify the type of device / platform you're on. Is it pc? Is it windows? Is it Firefox? (palemoon is the new king) Additionally : On mobile (Android) in the past I had issues when tapping space or arrow keys(especially after 'quote this' actions) and figured out that by changing the location of the cursor by tapping beforehand to outside areas of quotes the problem would be solved. Barnsley

Hi @Jsbrads Thanks for the reminder(but I knew). Perhaps the question of requirements, suitable applicants could be discussed, let's say, under a thread such as 'What makes a good soldier?' or something that's not about a subset of the military (i.e. women). Would you agree? Barnsley

... to @Ninja from... @barn (allocate responsibility to achieve resolution) (life IS precious.) Some people choose not to see what they do to others. Barnsley

That's thoughtful and understandable. Perfectly fine. Keep your heading and be curious, you are doing something important. Barnsley

Ok? (Although, I'm adamant that I'm just thinking. ) Nevertheless, I see the energy and conviction. Glad it's working for you. No worries, Barnsley

It would be interesting to see what would A.I.-s do when presented with images of everyday objects resembling an abstraction, suggesting a meta-meaning. (Sorry, lack of vocabulary, my language reach) i. e. Those images labeled 'fail' where due to special circumstances the visual information suggest contradictory meanings...and people find it funny. https://ixquick-proxy.com/do/spg/show_picture.pl?l=english_uk&rais=1&oiu=http%3A%2F%2Fstarecat.com%2Fcontent%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Fblack-man-wearing-cat-hat-cat-wearing-negro-cap.jpg&sp=197823a858e261f10b4660c510061742 It's at that point when I would suspect resemblance (high enough degree) of independent-ish cognitive functions or sense of humour. Barnsley

I didn't get smarter on what you had trouble not understanding. Also, I still think that the TRE could be a great, potentially efficient tool for maintenance. Let me try again. If I got to the source of the initiator of my fight or flight, if I could manifest it in front of me, I would be able to absolve it. Accept it as a part of me and knowing what it meant, why it was there I could gradually re-establish the way I dealt with it's effects. Because of yet it's an X factor, it's effects are coming from an unknown direction, past history. (What we don't understand, we project / experience from the 'backseat') i. e. : When I understood that I had a tendency to double down and try to convince the unreasonable before, getting a deep understanding how it developed in me growing up with manipulators brought me to a point of clarity. I still do feel the urge to argue with those individuals, but muuuch less than before. I simply disengage when the conversation reaches the 'obviously no true curiosity from the other' point and with a sensation of relief I simply move on. And it works because I feel I got to keep myself from going into an unproductive dynamic and the other partner usually gets uninterested by the second or angrily withdraws(not having feasted on my anxiety, their projection falling on deaf ears). +1 I use a breathing technique (count of 8in,8hold,8exhale deeeep &slow breaths) when I'm having trouble falling asleep. It's nothing more really than just increasing oxygen levels in the brain and facilitating muscle relaxation as a whole. I do it, because I don't always make the time to reach down to the roots of my anxiety and negotiate a positive outlook. So, those days when I'm short on time, I circumvent what would be ultimately preferable but I also know the thought pattern will return. That's why ultimately, proper inner self-talk would be preferable. Hope, you understand now all. If not, please ask specifically or quote me where you felt that I wasn't clear. Barnsley

1.Round table, everyone equal distance, no ruler or permanent authority. Every speaker has their forte and because they do, they all know how specialities are hard to develop and preferably worth deferring authority to one versed in a field. Everyone is allowed to comment on everything and the rest will respectfully listen. (Yes, everyone and no name-calling or underhandedness. Disagreements, arguing, being upset/annoyed ... sure no problem, but all civilised.) - Those are my different personality aspects. - Stefan's theory, he modelled it after Freud's id, ego, super-ego I 'hink. 2. My only hesitation is that I am looking for a permanent route, with gradually increasing certainty and knowledge of myself. I can (imagine) see how TRE is great but I will be eventually back where I had started. Like bathing or eating. That's why I did the BIG 5 PERSONALITY ASSESSMENT of JP and won't ever do any other test anymore intentionally. I absolutely been presented with the best set of pointers regarding my goal there. Barnsley

Sigh. I am being told by my 'meco associates' that you're more than likely coming from a genuine place. Quick question. Have you done Jordan B Peterson's Past Authoring suite? Barnsley

Yep. Can totally attest to it. Both of my parents are high in Narcissism. They didn't care about me, my father doesn't know to this day my accurate year of birth, my mother what food I love/hate(a few examples) and they had two decades to learn until I left. I had all sorts of trouble socialising. Feeling constantly watched and well, I had mentioned how it's been a challenge to find true friendships. I occasionally have to remind myself Am I in real danger? the criticism I fear constructive therefore well-intended or is it to manipulate me? Barnsley

That's great and a bit embarrassing too. I mean English isn't my first language and perhaps I dunno... (could you be a bit more specific, I could maybe learn something about my style). I have had no trouble understanding you or the way you write, so that's good. Just as until now, let me know in the future as well if I'm not getting through. Why not? (There must be a good reason, I'm guessing.) I think the basis (getting guidance) is a brilliant idea. Yet, I'm surprised why marriage counselling isn't at the top for you. It's like, 'Imagine a team preparing the individual players separately before a match.' Just my way of thinking regarding married life. (I'm not sure why you'd rather do it separately. Here again, there's more than what meets the eye.) Whoa! It would have been interesting to see the accompanying thoughts that emerged for you at time of writing this part. Of course, you shouldn't act like someone who didn't care about the other person's success if you claimed you cared for him, that's rude and contradictory. But nobody said that you should do it in that manner. You characterised it as such and it could be (I think)useful figuring out the reasons as to why your mind immediately went there. Of course, anything that's causing someone difficult should be met with empathy and curiosity to the experience of the other person. (i. e. - I asked you about your impressions of the convo to make sure you are enjoying it. I know what I've been thinking... (I hear my thoughts constantly) but I need to pay attention to your experience just as much... periodically asking, adjusting if necessary because you asked/signalled for a change... and since I'm open to negotiations, it's only going to be more productive. This is an equilateral setting.) Sounds like catharsis to me. A big release and moment of clarity. This (my amateur view) is controversial, paradoxical and I can't integrate it into 'the big picture' . Isn't he emotionally distant at the moment? Aren't you avoiding (for you) difficult topics to share with him? Which he doesn't see or choosing to not bring up? The same catharsis awaits the both of you btw(maybe he would be more open if he could let go all the struggle and anger that's within him) , not just "hard conversations". Sure, the road is rocky but gradually more smooth and enjoyable. Life isn't about survival and damage control. It can be, but only if you don't figure out what would be better. You could Ask him, what would make him happy and when he did ask you the same, you could tell your ideas for a great! life. If you two shared more, I don't see how you would feel any anxiety or fear for the future... Believe me, he has his own set of doubts and fears too. Maybe he's suffering even more, just he's also worse at asking for help. (Remember, ACE 7) That's one of the functions of the test, it helps you identify areas to check for the possibility of needing help. So you can be more cautious. i.e. a soldier with strong ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) if screened, won't be put in jobs with high probability of unexpected stress or at least will be offered a course on meditation techniques...etc. dunno, but you get my point. Please don't do it alone. Or think that you can help him by 'managing' your feelings / thoughts. Consider these: - Your circumstances has a dynamic to it, which was agreed to and it's rules had been set at the beginning of the relationship, in the past. If you wish to change the rules but on your own, the dynamic will break down. You have to have his full co-operation to change the relationship. He has to want what you want. And vice versa after negotiations. You're a team! Make sure your teammate is absolutely sure he can count on you, no matter what! - The stronger a bad habit, the more time it takes to re-write. It can take easily a year or two. - Achieving 5% improvement instead of fully succeeding is better than not having tried. Just like smoking, if you broke your commitment temporarily.... it's not the end of the world. Start quiting immediately again, as many times you need to, in order to finally live smoke free! Once you have what you wanted, it doesn't matter how many times you have tried. Barnsley

The video is here Hi thinkers, Other than what's articulated in the vid. I wanted to point out just how much it will hit back. I'm not meaning memes or people pointing to it in the future... something better. There's a huge community of news aggregators on YT, doing commentary, analytics. I would hazard a guess that in opinion formation, their role is many multitudes more important than the mainstream. Many of these independent/ish content creators recently had to issue their own 'clarifications', explaining how they got duped (essentially) by bad journalism and passing it on unsuspecting. Now, since their incentives are more in line with their clients/keeping work standards higher(sponsors, viewers) it's logical they're going to be less reliant on ABC in the future. There won't be much change in the mainstream... too slow. but We'll enjoy a more critical and skeptical attitude from our favourite content creators, generally raising the quality of future reporting, analytics, debates. Oh, the silver lining... Barnsley

Definitely not. Especially if you have read my comments. My proposal : Forget all men military, focus on all-merit-based evaluation and let contractors in on the matter, let the free market decide. i. e. (I can imagine an all-women intelligencia agency working as a subcontractor for the military... specialisation and flexibility.) Barnsley

Hi there thinkers, Part of a series. (previous: Willpower comes from...) This is the core(I'd like to discuss) : Real friendship requires...., because... and In order to be in a real friendship it's greatly beneficial... This is my current approximation(my example): Real friendship requires_unrellenting dedication to truth_, because_life is short and you wouldn't want to be wasting your (or other's) time, especially not in the form of enabling abuse(a soft form, that is). and In order to be in a real friendship it's greatly beneficial_to not be in non-real friendships as much as humanly possible. Cheers, Barnsley - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - P. s. To those who are interested in my thought process behind the topic, here's the long version: [ I'm a straightforwardly aligned individual. The general rule of thumb for me is, I will speak my mind (except for obvious 'red flags', inappropriate palce/time) with asking for permission to do so. If I had to put my experience with this approach into percentages... (my approximation, rounded assertions IT DOESN'T MEAN it is how everything / everyone operates, thinks... I am trying to give you what I concluded un-filtered. I might be very well wrong.) - Group 1. as in 90% would deny validity or deflect from the get-go (mostly with rationalisations, no curiosity of my meaning to clarify, understand whatsoever, sea of immediate 'red-flags') - Group 2/a. as in 5% would respond neutrally (maybe ask 1 or 2 questions back, but usually within a short period of time 'something would come up that was 'obviously' had to be dealt with(, naturally;)) and the conversation would end there and then) - Group 2/b. as in (of) that 5% remaining, I could hash out my message(confirm same level of understanding) and ask for more from the other person's thought processes , eventually discovering (each of us) something fascinating, useful. BUT! - the 90% afterwards steer clear of me - the first 5% would throttle back to 'loving from the distance' - the last 5% would be more relaxed and not beat around the bush in the future about things, give an all-knowing smile/nod except for the process of showing intent of wanting to move closer to each other after that 'energising' convo... beats me(well, not really) - In the end, if I looked back how much real friendships was developed from the 100% = 1-2 after meeting 120-200 people(actual statistics from 789 people I've met regarding this subject within the last 1,5yrs) each and EVERY ONE OF THEM would fade away(forgotten plants, drying out from lack of water) as reciprocity wouldn't be present. i. e. (they'd ask for my contact, inviting me to social events, agreeing to meet... every time I did, it would fail for lack of following through from the person who was 'supposedly also interested'. I respect people's boundaries, if I feel / detect that I'm too much, I disengage and wait to see if there's a call back... seldom there is.) My conclusions and why I am not sure how to tackle the question of finding enough deep and meaningful connections: 1. I'm clearly not efficient, lots of room for improvement. {while also} Most people are terrified to speak or hear the truth. 2. You can't 'choose' friends, but you can be chosen and then you get to decide if that's what you want. 3. Reciprocal and deep relationships require virtuous people, staying honest. Virtues require connectedness with the true-self. As people age, so the fog thickens people allow (and around 30ish or having a comfortable looking life:) . The effort to re-evaluate usually comes from emergencies, catastrophic outcomes... if the danger ebbs away, so does most often than not the previous curiosity too... until the next unforeseen disaster, at which stage the idea of turning the tide is even more disheartening (seemingly, understandably). - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

No problem, I sometimes don't explain very clearly what I mean. It's good that you asked. I was referring to short interactions that are generally too superficial to have a lasting effect, at times they reveal lack of interest. The person who'd asked and wanted to pour out it's heart usually ending up with the sensation of either having been gently deflected (wondering if there was something that the other person didn't want to discuss out of fear, the topic was anxiety provoking... etc. / couldn't discuss, perhaps not connecting, understanding and just 'saying what everyone supposed to say', stuff that's in movies, sadly too). i.e.: (After me opening about a frustration of mine to the 'quickfix' people...they'd say things like - 'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Don't worry, things will get better.' - 'Yeah, I know, it's hard. You're a nice guy(I am, except when I'm not... hahaha) , I'm sure you will find what works in the end.' - 'It's complicated, I know. Maybe you just focus on it too much. Relax, let it go!' - 'I know it's hard for you but don't worry, God wouldn't allow you to choose a challenge that you aren't prepared to take on.' (without ever being asked if I was religious too) --- After which I would normally remember to never open up to those people or if we had a deeper connection / history together I'd go a different route... Explaining how what they answered is too general and I feel that their response isn't helping me one bit. It's something that IS a big challenge for me, has been. I had ended 3+1 times (8yrs+ 'friendships' after coming to the conclusion / deciding that proximity isolation is bad and if I don't respect my friend, the relationship has no value to me other than staying acquaintances. Besides, doesn't worth the investments of a close friendship, I am wasting my(and other's) time with those people or worse I'm enabling abuse(soft abuse that is). In my mind the two topics (deep relationships and my anecdote) are tightly connected. 1.[1]+[2] I'm a straightforwardly aligned individual. The general rule of thumb for me is, I will speak my mind (except for obvious 'red flags', inappropriate palce/time) with asking for permission to do so. If I had to put my experience with this approach into percentages... (my approximation, rounded assertions IT DOESN'T MEAN it is how everything / everyone operates, thinks... I am trying to give you what I concluded un-filtered. I might be very well wrong.) - 90% would deny validity or deflect from the get-go (mostly with rationalisations, no curiosity of my meaning to clarify, understand whatsoever, sea of immediate 'red-flags') - 5% would respond neutrally (maybe ask 1 or 2 questions back, but usually within a short period of time 'something would come up that was 'obviously' had to be dealt with(, naturally) and the conversation would end there and then) - of that 5% remaining, I could hash out my message(confirm same level of understanding) and ask for more from the other person's thought processes , eventually discovering (each of us) something fascinating, useful. BUT! - the 90% afterwards steer clear of me - the first 5% would throttle back to 'loving from the distance' - the last 5% would be more relaxed and not beat around the bush in the future about things, give an all-knowing smile/nod except for the process of showing intent of wanting to move closer to each other after that 'energising' convo... beats me(well, not really) - In the end, if I looked back how much real friendships was developed from the 100% = 1-2 after meeting 120-200 people(actual statistics from 789 people I've met regarding this subject within the last 1,5yrs) each and EVERY ONE OF THEM would fade away(forgotten plants) as reciprocity wouldn't be present. i. e. (they'd ask for my contact, inviting me to social events, agreeing to meet... every time I did, it would fail for lack of following through from the person who was 'supposedly also interested'. I respect people's boundaries, if I feel / detect that I'm too much, I disengage and wait to see if there's a call back... seldom there is.) My conclusions and why I am not sure how to tackle the question of finding enough deep and meaningful connections: 1. I'm clearly not efficient. Most people are terrified to speak or hear the truth. 2. You can't 'choose' friends, but you can be chosen and then you get to decide if that's what you want. 3. Reciprocal and deep relationships require virtuous people, staying honest. Virtues require connectedness with the true-self. As people age, so the fog thickens people allow (and around 30ish or having a comfortable looking life:) . The effort to re-evaluate usually comes from emergencies, catastrophic outcomes... if the danger ebbs away, so does most often than not the previous curiosity too... until the next unforeseen disaster, at which stage the idea of turning the tide is even more disheartening (seemingly, understandably). What did 'Maria' respond? She didn't. I never asked her. My line of thinking was: If she was capable of acting upon her beliefs without wanting to check their validity or work on something more preferable, I would have gotten two possible reactions: a. Her feeling cornered, therefore me starting out on the wrong foothold, kind of what you wrote but you put it (it's interesting that you did that) neutrally. 'Surprised' doesn't carry +/- connotations(maybe slightly annoyed, right?). "I’m guessing Maria [1] either was surprised at you thinking her choices about work... " b. I think I've explained before (above) why I could have thought she wasn't going to be interested saying the truth... why bother, I thought. ///by the way, 2months later it was turned out, something I once said in a conversation with others, unrelated to her (feminism discussion) did have a part in her departure... but I won't find out what that was and why it bothered her, nor will the rest who knew her as she never really spoke her mind truly to anyone (to my knowledge) /// I am not trying to be pushy, so feel free to do as you feel. I have noticed that you haven't responded yet about my previous questions from my previous message (1. 2. 3.) How is the conversation by the way for you? Are you enjoying it? Would you prefer to suggest me that I changed something? Feel free to suggest, please. Barnsley

I would definitely agree with you if you were interested getting over with the course, not learning anything. Barnsley

Very true. Same problem with the word 'skeptic' and how mindless overuse has degraded it. There are many different ways anarchy can be applied, no use really ignoring the caveats (I remind myself often) and opting for one-size fits all views. (The devil is in the details) Speaking of nordic-ish countries. I recall it Finnland being the country where the story of free tea and biscuits left out on train stations with a jar for the collection of change came from. (A friend lived there with spouse, kids, the whole deal.) I was stunned that such things still exist to this day. My Russian friend then quickly added, probably for not long as the lesser souls, tourists commonly from Russia habitually took advantage of a free snack and hand warming tea, generally missing the opportunity to leave proper monetary reimbursement (obviously upsetting quite a few weary local onlookers with the scene). Sad really, but it is what the world is made of, often only seen when contrasting backgrounds. Before, for a long time (European upbringing has anything to do with it?) anarchy to me was equal with 'Sealand' (don't watch it, not worth it) The strength, power and chaos motifs hand-in-hand. When I imagine anarchy now, I see strong individuals who in the time of need will not hesitate to 'make you feel uncomfortable' or if you fit in, proceed lending you a hand while smiling broadly and sharing what culture they consider useful, all of that generously. Barnsley

Thank you, for being honest. No problem, you are free to not answer my question, won't ask again. I hoped to be constructive, seemed you were making a mistake. Barnsley

Hi @meetjoeblack If I'm getting the meaning of your post and that you've not asked her anything (yet) is a sign of having an opinion but not checking it's validity? I'd suggest more (much more in fact) consideration to the myriad of other, currently obscured elements. Would you agree that's a fair and constructive suggestion? Barnsley

Thanks for the updates, don't worry about the rest. No problem. Barnsley

Thanks for the clarification. It seems I should have asked you first. Sorry for that. I had already made a note when checking available instructors in the country of my stay, there were 20+. Should I choose to check it out, thanks to you I have another great recommendation. Thanks for that and sorry again for not asking you first, my intention being was only staying cautious. Barnsley